Chapter 6: Have you talked to those Chickens lately? They're SMART.
Isis walked down the steps and unlocked the door, preparing to set up her exhibit for the day. Evil Bakura, his eyes wide with some cross between gratitude and utter insanity, burst through the door as it opened and trapped her in a bear hug. "Oh, thank god, you blessed, blessed woman! I couldn't have spent another second in that room with that horrible monster!" his voice was raw, as though he had been crying for several hours, and several clumps of his large, spiky hair had been torn out.
Suddenly, he looked away from her and started staring into thin air. His eyes grew even wider and filled with tears again. "Oh Jesus… HE'S STILL SINGING!" the evil spirit shrieked, and ran away screaming about how nothing could silence the 'horrible major-general in his head'.
Isis sighed sadly. "I," she said, to nobody in particular, "Really need to cultivate a new circle of friends."
The domino schoolyard was abuzz with talk of Kaiba's upcoming tournament. This was Domino High, so of course Duel Monsters was the only topic worth discussing, and the teachers had not actually taught a class since the Reagan administration. Tea was off with a small group of girls, expressing to them the depths of her concerns on exactly how great clouds were (She just LOOOOOOOOOVED them). Tristan was duct taped to a tree with his mouth hot-glued shut (That was the only way Yami allowed him to be in his presence). And Joey…
Joey was livid. "What do you mean, Kaiba is havin' a tournament, and he didn't invite me?! It's as though he didn't like me!"
"… … … … I would deeply love to respond to that, but I think that quiet contemplation about the complete stupidity of that comment is the best idea right now," Yugi said.
After a few seconds, Joey said "Oh, that's right! Kaiba DOESN'T like me! Well, I suppose that there's nothing to be done…"
"Oh, that's good. I was worried you were going to conceive of some idiotic harebrained scheme to get into the tournament that only I really need to enter."
"Heeeeeey… an idiotic harebrained scheme! That just might work! Great idea, Yug! And I know JUST the people to bring my scheme to fruition!" Joey said. He pulled out his cell phone, and began dialing.
Since when can Joey afford a cell phone?
-I believe he got a new part-time job.-
Ah. Good for him!
"Hey, Vinnie? Yeah, dis is Joe. Listen, I need a favor from you guys… of course I know da rules. I'll be happy to. Of course I got it! It's like I told ya, I'm yer man in this town! I'll deliver it in…" he checked his watch, a solid gold rolex, "… twenty minutes, 'kay? See ya!"
Holy hell, that was a $900 watch! How can he possibly afford that?!
-I believe he got a new part-time job.-
Must be one heck of a job.
"Listen, Yug, I gotta make a delivery, so I'll see you in a few hours to register for da tournament. Bye!" and with that, Joey got into his personal helicopter and flew off.
Hoo, boy… now he's going to make a complete imbecile of… him… HELICOPTER?! Where the #$(&# did he get a helicopter?!
-I believe he got a new part time job.-
… a job that pays what, a million dollars an hour?! A phone sure, a rolex MAYBE, but no part-time job in the #(&# world can buy you a helicopter!
-Point taken. Perhaps we should follow him?-
… How? He's in a helicopter.
-Obviously, we need the most incredible chase-scene cliché in the history of the world! We need… A passing farm truck!-
Just then, a truck carrying a shipment of corn stopped five feet in front of Yugi. The convenient old farmer in the driver's seat said "Well, gee gosh young'un, how y'all doin'?"
"I need to catch that helicopter! DRIVE!" Yami said, jumping into the passenger seat.
"Well, YEEEEEEE-HA!" The convenient old farmer crowed and drove off after Joey at about 100 miles per hour.
Neither Yugi nor Yami had the slightest idea of what their friend was up to… or the immensity of the evil they were about to become embroiled in.
Tristan sighed, and began struggling against his bonds. Sometimes, he thought people forgot to untie him on purpose. Luckily, Tea just LOOOOOOOOOOVED helping people… so she gave him a long, painful lecture about how important friendship was in the untying of ropes.
Hey, I didn't say it was lucky for HIM.
They tracked Joey to a park in the 'bad' side of town (Domino didn't have a whole lot of town, so the 'bad' side of town was almost exactly the same as the 'good' side, except it had more potholes and no KaibaCorp.) Pulling an ear of corn out of his hair, Yugi leapt from the convenient old farm truck and ran to hide behind a tree, watching as Joey stood next to the fountain, whistling. Suddenly, three small figures in trenchcoats walked up.
"You guys," Joey said, "Are LATE."
"Cluck, cluck." The first figure said.
Joey chuckled. "Whatever you say, pal,"
Sweet mother of God… they're CHICKENS! Yugi thought in horror. Who knows what sort of horrible, feathery web they are weaving around poor stupid Joey?
-Don't worry, Yugi. Not all chickens serve the forces of evil. Perhaps those are rogue chickens, who have renounced the foul Death Goddess Clucktoria, and turned their back on their vile poultry heritage.-
Joey handed one of the chickens a paper bag. The chicken looked inside, clucked in wicked satisfaction, and handed Joey a briefcase full of money in response.
-Or perhaps Joey has become a drug smuggler for some sort of horrible chicken mafia. Both are possible.-
Yami, chickens despise all goodly folk! Everyone knows that they seek to rise above their humble bird origins to rule the planet with an iron wing. That's why we eat them! We can't allow Joey to serve their evil designs. Yugi thought determinedly.
"Oh, yeah, Vinnie… I need ta get inta da Battle City toinament, so could ya do somethin' about that?"
"Cluck."
"Heh, heh… you guys are da best! See you in two weeks, kay?"
"Cluck."
Joey smiled. Now he would be in Battle City (or OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, depending on who you asked), and he would be able to give Serenity a ride home from the hospital that very night… IN A HELICOPTER! Yes, organized crime definitely agreed with him. He watched the chicken mafia walk away, and then he turned… and saw Yugi.
"Hello, Joseph." The smaller boy said.
"Um… er… um… er… hi!"
"Who were they, Joseph?"
"They were just some… er… friends a mine! I was gonna introduce you, but…"
"But they didn't speak English. Or Japanese. Or whatever language we speak here. Were they… foreign?"
"Well…"
"But foreigners don't have FEATHERS! Were they aliens?"
"Well…"
"Oh, wait, aliens are larger! They were chickens, weren't they?!"
"Yug…" Joey said, tears running down his face, "YES! THEY WERE CHICKENS!" he fell forward and began crying on Yugi's shoulder.
"Joey, you know chickens are wrong. How could you have done this?"
"I… I… needed the money to pay for my sister's eye surgery!"
"No, you didn't. You got the money for that from Duelist Kingdom. In fact, I gave you twenty times more money than your sister's operation could have possibly cost,"
Joey stopped crying. "Oh… you remembered that, huh?"
"It was kind of a big event,"
"Alright. The truth of the matter is…"
Flashback:
Joey: Wow, I love walking in the countryside!
Chicken: (Stepping out of shadows, carrying briefcase) /Good afternoon, Mr. Wheeler. Enjoying your walk?/
Joey: You're one a dose chickens that beat me up!
Chicken/Indeed. You proved yourself to be a worthy opponent in those clashes, Joseph./
Joey: (Getting ready to fight) Hey, if you wanna piece a' me…
Chicken: (Snaps its… wings?… and a dozen chickens leap out of the bushes.) /Now, now, Mr. Wheeler, you wouldn't want to start a fight here, would you? When we just want to talk…/
Joey: Aw, man… they got me totally outnumbered! Alright… whaddya wanna talk about?
Chicken/I will be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Wheeler. My organization is planning to take over this territory, and I think you would be the perfect inside man. With your connections and my resources, we could be excellent business partners./
Joey: I would NEVER join your evil Chicken mafia!
Chicken/Really? Now, we know you have a sister, Mr. Wheeler. Wouldn't it be a shame if she were walking along and say… hit with eggs?/
Joey: You MONSTER!
Chicken/Or maybe even… pecked!/
Joey: I… I… (Looks hopeless, but then finds inner strength) NO! I won't sell you my soul, even for Serenity's sake!
Chicken: (Opens briefcase) /Would you sell it for twenty-million dollars?/
Joey: … Would you like my soul giftwrapped?
Note/Translated from Chickenese/
End Flashback
"That's IT?! You were able to stand up to a death threat against the person who matters most to you in the world, but out comes the money and you're like 'Hey, I'm your drug monkey!'"
"DRUGS?! No, Yug, drugs are bad for ya! I been deliverin' them missile components so they can conquer Hong Kong."
"… … … I think that may be worse."
Meanwhile, in Hong Kong:
"/All hail Supreme Emperor Roostror!/" the chicken clucked on the giant screen overlooking the slave pits. The people of Hong Kong were chained together, being forced to tear down their city and use the pieces to build a massive statue of a chicken. A rooster wearing a crown and a cape appeared on the screen.
"/This is but the first step! Your city has fallen to chickenkind, and in the name of our goddess Clucktoria we shall wipe out your pitiful human race! Soon, the wings of the chickens shall encompass the world entire!/" the rooster clucked malevolently.
Back in Domino:
"Oh, well… I suppose we have no choice but to continue life as usual and hope you haven't doomed mankind…" Yugi sighed.
"Hey, let's go sign up for BATTLE CITY!" Joey said perkily. "After all, we love Duelin'!"
"Joey, you may have just started a genocidal war for control of Earth's biosphere, you could show a little remorse…"
"Yessir, we're duelin' freaks! Duelin' fanatics! We're a duelin' machine up on the video screen! Duelin' like you ain't never seen!" Joey sang, doing a little dance.
"But what about…"
"DUELIN'!"
"… Hong Kong could be under attack RIGHT NOW…"
"DUELIN'!"
"…World War III…"
"DUELIN'!"
"ALRIGHT! WE'LL GO REGISTER!" Yugi screamed, finally snapping.
"That's great, Yug! After all, NOTHING is more important than dis!" Joey said sagely.
At Domino General Hospital…
"WHERE IS HE?!" Serenity Wheeler roared. "He KNOWS my eye surgery is TODAY! He couldn't have forgotten (I mean, NOBODY is that stupid)! He should be here giving me moral support… and I mean RIGHT THE #()&# NOW!"
"Now, dear, your operation isn't for five more hours…" Mrs. Wheeler said, the tiniest little bit frightened by her daughter's behavior.
Serenity smiled cheerfully. "Aw, thanks mom. You're right, Joey would never miss something this important!" Her eyes then narrowed again, and there was a slight flash of red light behind them. "He has five hours to get here, and for HIS sake, he'll do it,"
I've said it before, I'll say it again: it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.
"Why hello there children!" the toy man said. "Let me guess… you're here to join Mr. Kaiba's… how do you pronounce that? Sprref… sscsdke… oh, screw it. You here to join Battle City?" His nametag read 'My Name is: Evil Underling in Disguise'.
"That we are, sir. Yugi Moto and Joey Wheeler!" Yugi said. The man punched the names in on his computer.
Duelist ID: Yugi Moto
Duelist Rank: Deserves to freakin' die. And he will… ohhhhhhh, he will.
Tournament Status: HE JOINS! HE DOESN'T GET A CHOICE! IF HE TRIES NOT TO JOIN, MAKE HIM!
Duelist ID: Joey Wheeler
Duelist Rank: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Deep Breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tournament Status: Wheeler?! In MY tournament?! It's funny 'cause you have to ask.
The toy man sighed. Mr. Kaiba always had been a little eccentric. "Well, it looks like you," he pointed to Yugi, "Are okay… although your hair is above regulation size."
"It's custom made!" Yugi said proudly. His hair glittered.
"But your friend there is banned from this tournament, as well as, and I quote, 'Any other tournament or event I or my descendants ever throw/hold/attend in the history of time' by Mr. Kaiba. I'm sorry…" Then his eyes bulged and the veins started popping out of his neck as he looked closer at Joey's profile. "WHAAAAAT?! HE HAS THE RARE RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON?! THE RARE HUNTERS SHALT DESCEND UPON HIM LIKE FALCONS, GRINDING HIS WEAK DECK TO A FINE POWDER AS THEY SMITE HIS PUNY MONSTERS INTO OBLIVION, CLAIMING THAT ONE, LONE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH AS THEIR WORTHY PRIZE!" the man screamed.
Yugi's eyes widened. Yami, I think that maybe, possibly, this guy works for the rare hunters. Perhaps.
-So?-
SO?! Yami, they shalt descend upon Joey like falcons, grinding his deck into a fine powder as they smite…
-Two words: Bandit. Keith.-
… Oh yeah.
-Whatever total loser is now in charge of that little band of total losers is an even bigger total loser than Malik. If they hunt Joey, they'll probably end up GIVING him cards.-
"AND NOW, I SHALL HACK YOU INTO THE TOURNAMENT THAT THOU MAY CLAIMEST A DUELING-DISC… AND BECOME LITTLE MORE THAN PREY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUH?!" the man interrupted his monologue to note that Joey's profile was changing WITHOUT him hacking.
Duelist Profile: Joey Wheeler
Duelist Rank: As good as a $500,000 bribe from the chicken mafia.
Tournament Status: You'd be amazed how quickly money (coupled with a hearty death-threat) changes my opinions on something.
Joey smirked. His contacts were birds of their word after all.
Joey wandered back to his fourteen bedroom house and plopped down on the couch. He tossed the DuelDisc over into a corner and hit the flashing button on his answering machine.
"::BEEP!:: Cluck, cluck cluck. Ba-GAWK! Cluck, cluck, cluck::BEEP!::"
"::BEEP!:: HI, JOEY! I JUST FOUND A PHONE, AND SINCE I JUST LOOOOOOOOVE PHONES I DECIDED TO CALL EVERY NUMBER IN THE PHONE BOOK AND TELL THEM ALL ABOUT HOW GREAT FRIENDSHIP IS! AND NOW, YOU CAN CALL ME! I JUST LOOOOOOO- ::BEEP!::"
"::BEEP!:: Hey, Joey. This is your sister, just calling to congratulate you! I heard that there's a new tournament starting, and I'm SURE you'll be in it! So good luck, and have a nice time! Oh, and by the way: IT'S NINE O' #(& CLOCK! AS OF THIS MESSAGE, YOU HAVE EXACTLY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET HERE BEFORE THEY START CUTTING INTO MY #(&# EYES, AND IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP I WILL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND HANG IT AS A TROPHY ON MY BEDROOM WALL!
"Oh, and when you come, please bring one of those duel-discs with you! I heard they're really neat ::BEEP!::"
"Aw, nuts," Joey said. He then sprinted for the door, stopped, ran over to grab the disc, and deciding the door would take too long, jumped out through a closed window.
Little did Joseph know that all his actions were being watched. He was under the trained hunting eye of an implacable predator.
"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe." The figure laughed, a very creepy, low-pitched, rapid-fire giggle.