Chapter 7: The First Duel… no, seriously. I really mean it. What, NOW you don't believe me? Where are you going?! Don't make me hit you!

Joey ran for his life. Nay, his soul.

Each and every step resounded in his mind like the sounds of… of… of… well, SOMETHING that counts down until you die. A death-clock? I dunno. Well, whatever. The point is that he was moving really fast, okay? Damn, you're all on my case today.

Hee, hee, hee… I'm actually gonna make it! Joey exulted. He had the disc and everything. Serenity would be all perky and cheerful, and she wouldn't rip his head off with her bloody fangs. The only thing that could possibly stop him now was an unscheduled card game!

"HALT!" a voice thundered. Three guys dropped out of the sky right in front of him, all wearing black cloaks emblazoned with a gold eye. "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe…" the leader laughed, a kind of creepy, low-pitched, rapid fire giggle. "Why, Mr. Wheeler, you seem to have fallen into our little Exodia. Now, we, the Rare Hunters, shall Exodia you and Exodia your Red-Eyes!" Rare Hunter said.

"… … huh?"

"We wish to Exodia your Exodia so I can add it to my Exodia," Rare Hunter explained calmly.

"… Could you stop replacin' random words with 'Exodia'? Makes it kinda hard to follow what yer sayin'."

"… … …Exodia?"

"Yeah, like that."

"Listen, I don't know what the Exodia you're talking about, kid! But now, you and I are going to EXODIA!"

"… … … huh?"

"Duel."

"Ahhhh. Well, I AM on my way to my sister's vitally important eye surgery, and my being late would be horrible for both HER self-confidence and MY physical health… but to play cards, sure!" he strapped his duel-disc to his arm.

Far away, in the Motoh residence, inside the Millennium Puzzle, Yami shot up in bed. The Millennium Puzzle had a very nice bedroom, and Yami typically slept through the night unless something evil happened. Now, however, he shot up like a startled cat. He looked around and sniffed the air.

-DUELING.- He thought darkly. -YUGI! AWAKEN!-

… … … zzzz… …zzzzz……zzzzz

-WAKE UP YOU LITTLE DOLT!-

Y-yami? I was having a dream about bagels. Is that odd?

-It means you're a woman trapped in a man's body. But that doesn't matter! There's a duel afoot, and WE AREN'T IN IT!-

… I am NOT a woman.

-That BASTARD author! He promised ME a real duel! MEEEEEE! Not whatever little freak has the TEMERITY to steal my duel!-

I mean, everybody eats bagels. They're round, and crispy on the outside but soft and warm on the inside. I personally like a good bagel. So it's perfectly natural for me to have a dream about said pastry… IS a bagel a pastry?

-I think it's just a baked good; I'm pretty sure it's not a pastry unless it has frosting.-

But you could PUT frosting on the bagel.

-No, I mean things that come with frosting IN the bakery. But that's beside the point! By the blood of the gods of Egypt, we shalt sally forth and crush those fools who dareth to usurp my duel for their own nefarious ends! ONWARD!-

Zzzzzzz… zzzzzzz… zzzzzz…

-Yugi? Yugi, wake up. Yugi! YUGI!-

The Rare Hunter put on his DuelDisc, and in a brilliant display of robotic precision it leapt into motion, preparing to launch its incredible holographic display.

The DuelDisc latched onto Joey's arm… and it just sat there.

"Exodia?" Rare Hunter said impatiently.

"What?! Why ain't this stupid thing workin'?!" Joey said in despair. He shook a few times. "Disc, go! Disc awaken! Open Sesame Disc! DO SOMETHIN'!"

The Disc Remained lifeless. One of Joey's cards fell out of the little cardholder.

Rare Hunter's disc began to shoot out money and precious gems. "Cool! It entered 'Super Bonus Mode'!"

Joey started swearing and shaking his DuelDisc violently. It gave him an electric shock, but other than that did nothing.

Rare Hunter yawned. His DuelDisc was, seemingly on its own, carving him a small cat statue from a chunk of marble (Which it had produced from nowhere). "Man, these DuelDiscs are EXODIA."

Joey threw his on the ground and started jumping up and down on it. It did not seem to notice or care.

Rare Hunter looked away from his DuelDisc, which was preparing him a nice turkey sandwich. "Do you not know how to work these things? They're super easy."

"THEN COULD YOU TELL ME?!"

"Oh, no. They're way to hard to explain."

"…What? You just SAID that they were EASY to work!"

"Oh, I wouldn't have said that. It doesn't make any sense, given how unbelievably Exodia they are."

"… Yeah. Okay. I guess. They ARE hard to work…"

"HARD?!" Rare Hunter said, struggling to contain his laughter. The other two guys with him started chuckling. "I mean… HARD?! They're so simple! I mean Bruno here has a little nephew who's… what, five?"

"Four." Bruno said.

"FOUR years old, and HE knows how to work it! It's SOOOOOOOOO Exodia!"

"Then tell me how!" Joey broke in.

"Oh, no way. It's way too hard to explain."

"YEEEEEARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Joey screamed, tearing his hair out by the roots.

Rare Hunter sighed indulgently and pulled a cell phone out of his cloak. "Here, call the company hotline."

"Hey, thanks! You ain't so bad for a total lunatic," Joey dialed in the number on the portable phone.

"Welcome to the KaibaCorp. tech support hotline. To buy a million dollars of KaibaCorp. products, press 1. To get support for a product you already own and would like to buy a million more of, press 2." Joey waited, but those were the only two choices. He pressed two.

"Cool. We are now hunting down your bank account and emptying it. And yes, Joey Wheeler, we DO know who you are. Now, which product are you having trouble with? Wait, wait, never mind, I already know it's the DuelDisc. And it's not broken, is it, Joey? No, you're just too STUPID to figure it out. We sold MILLIONS of those things, and everyone else who bought them can use them. Some people bought them and gave them to their kids, and the KIDS know how to use them, really LITTLE kids, babies practically. The little BABIES can figure out the DuelDisc, can make it do ACROBATICS, practically, and YOU can't figure it out, can you? I thought not." The recording said condescendingly.

"… okay, so how DOES it work?"

"Oh, I couldn't explain that. It's far, far too complex and intricate. It may be the single most incredibly difficult piece of machinery to work in the entire world! I'm going to have to patch you in directly to Mr. Kaiba."

"What… but… what… you… you… you… YOU JUST SAID IT WAS EASY?!"

"Oh, it IS!"

"THEN WHY CAN'T I USE IT?!"

"You can't use it? But it's so simple! I mean, BABIES can use that thing! Even I can use it, and I'm just a recording! It's CHILD'S-PLAY! It's the ultimate statement of easiness! It's…"

"Oh, just put Kaiba on."

A few minutes of elevator music, and then: "Alright, what do you want? I was just having my DuelDisc fix me dinner."

"Yeah, about that, Kaiba…"

"WHEELER?! Well, in that case, you can just go #$()#& yourself." Kaiba said, and hung up.

Joey sighed and dialed Kaiba's number again. "Kaiba residence, Mokuba speaking,"

"Hey, Mokuba. I need to talk to your brutha about somethin'. Can ya put him on?"

"Oh, hey Joey. Nothing personal, but Seto absolutely loathes you. He doesn't really want to talk to you. Ever."

"I know dat, but I need his help to get my DuelDisc workin'!"

"Oh, is it broken?"

"No, I just can't figure out how to work it."

"::Snicker, Snort:: Y-you can't figure out how to work it?" Mokuba said incredulously, struggling to keep the amusement out of his voice. "But… it's so EASY. A BABY could work it. A BLIND MONKEY could work it. A DEAD monkey could work it! Listen, you hear those beeps? I'm making it do my homework right now!"

"Alright, tell ME how to work it."

"Oh, no way. That thing is so hard to operate… I'd tell you wrong. No, only Seto can help you."

"THEN PUT HIM ON!"

"Okay, okay… SETOOOOOOOOOOO! PHONE!" Mokuba roared, his mouth still to the phone. "IT'S JOEY WHEELER! WHAT?! TELL HIM TO WHAT?! DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! OH, OKAY! Seto said to tell you to go #$()#& yourself. Bye!" Mokuba said cheerfully, hanging up.

Joey growled in frustration, punching in the number yet again. This time an answering machine picked up: "Hello, this is the Kaiba Residence. I am far too important to speak to you in person, so please leave a message and I'll think about responding sometime before you die. Unless this is Wheeler, in which case you can go #$()#& yourself, you idiotic mutt. ::BEEP!::"

"Yeah, Kaiba, dis IS me, and I got one thing ta say. You either pick up that phone right now or I'm comin' to your house and I'm gonna sing every song I know right underneath your bedroom window."

"::CLICK!:: Alright, alright, you don't have to threaten me! What do you want, Chihuahua?"

"I need some help wit yer DuelDisc,"

"Let me guess: You broke it? Probably dropped it under a bus or some crap like that, and now it's in ten pieces and you're wondering why it won't work. I swear, if it weren't for your poultry friends and their hearty bribes and death threats, I would NEVER allow a little loser like to you to sully my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B tournament!"

"Listen, me bein' in yer… okey… nokey…bshteh… … in Battle City, will only make it BETTER! Ya need someone with class in such an event, after all!"

"Maybe you're right. After all, DOGS do give things such a nice 'homey' feeling. Now, how did you break the disc?"

"I didn't break it! It jus' doesn't WORK!"

"You mean you… hee, hee… can't figure it out? But it's so simple! I mean, I tested it with REAL dogs, and THEY could figure it out. I tested it with babies, babies who weren't even BORN yet, and they could work it from INSIDE THE WOMB. It's the easiest-to-use piece of technology on the planet!"

"THEN TELL ME HOW TO WORK IT!!!"

"Okay, I'll try. It won't be easy though. Those things are SUPREMELY hard to activate."

"I… but… I… God, I hate you."

"Okay… have you turned it on?"

"Yep."

"Have you put it on your arm?"

"Yep."

"Have you disabled the Wheeler-Lock?"

"Ye… the what?!"

"The circuitry in all KaibaCorp. products that prevent you, specifically, from using them."

"You mean you PROGRAM everything your company makes… not to let me use it?"

"Well, yeah. Of course I do."

"WHY?!"

"Because your UN-happiness is my happiness. Your suffering causes me joy." Kaiba said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Um… okay… as long as you have a reason, I guess. How do I turn OFF the 'Wheeler-Lock'?"

"How should I know? I've never WANTED to turn it off. That would make you happy, which would make me less happy. But, since you have access to the chicken mafia, I will try to walk you through it. Do you have a welding torch?"

"Yep, right here in my pocket!"

Silence.

"What? You never know when you're gonna have to weld somethin'."

"… Sure. Okay, cut a five by five square just below the battery casing…"

Three Hours Later…

"…Now, tighten the laser to a three millimeter beam STRAIGHT DOWN. STRAIGHT, you hear me?!"

Joey, drenched in sweat, said, "Yeah." The laser cut straight down, searing through the metal.

"If you're off by even a millimeter, you'll detonate the fusion core and ignite the entire atmosphere! We'll all be killed!"

"I got ya," Come on, come on, come on… Finally the bomb beeped, defused. Joey let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. "It's done. I defused da bomb,"

"YES!"

"… wait, weren't we supposed to be turning off the Wheeler-Lock on my DuelDisc?"

"… … … I don't have to answer that."

"DAMMIT!"

"Okay... to do that, you just hit the 'Wheeler Switch'. It's on the bottom of the Disc. Okay, now you can go #$ yourself. Bye."

Joey hung up the phone and flipped the DuelDisc over. On the bottom was a switch with a picture of him. Oh, you've got to be kidding. He thought. He flipped it from 'On' to 'Off'. The Disc activated.

"ALL RIIIIIIIIIGHT! I'm ready ta rock!"

Rare Hunter, who had fallen asleep, shook himself awake. "zzzzz… hmm? Exodia? OH! You're FINALLY ready to go!"

"My discie thing works!" Joey said proudly.

"Then draw your cards and prepare to EXODIA!"

-YUGIIIIIIII! PLEASE, PLEASE WAKE UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE'RE GONNA MISS THE DUELING!-

zzzzzzz… zzzzzz… nice bagel… don't run away… I just want to cover you in cream cheese and eat you… come back… zzzzzzzzz…

-YUGIIIIIIIIIIIII!-

"As the Exodia, I shall take the first Exodia!" Rare Hunter began. "I now begin the duel with the most dangerous Exodia conceivable: I lay one Exodia in defense mode."

"Alright, I play da Panther Warrior…"

"HA! YOU HAVE BARELY BEGUN, YET ALREADY YOU BEGIN TO FALL FOR MY SECRET PLAN TO DESTROY YOU WITH EXODIAAAAAAA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Rare Hunter screamed.

"… … …um, sure. I'll… attack?" the large panther creature leapt forward and hit Rare Hunter's monster, splitting it in half.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY MONSTER HAS BEEN BROKEN! NOW, UNLESS I DRAW ANOTHER MONSTER, I SHALL HAVE NO HOPE OF GATHERING ALL FIVE PIECES OF THE MIIIIIIGHTY EXODIA IN ORDER TO DESTROY THEE LIKE THE WEAKLING THOU ART!" Rare Hunter shouted in fear and shock. He drew. "AH-HA! FORTUNE HAS SMILED UPON ME! I HAVE DRAWNETH A MONSTER, A BEAST OF GREAT POWER AND SKILL, WHICH I SHALT USE TO DEFEND MY LIFE POINTS UNTIL I MAY SUMMON EXODIAAA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

This is so easy! Joey thought. All he does is defend! Unless he has some plan, like summoning Exodia (Which I sincerely doubt), I'm gonna crush him! "Now, I play Alligatah Sword…"

"HAHAHAHA! WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PITIFUL MOVES, YOU FALL DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO MY DEVASTATING EXODIA-TRAP! WITH MERELY A FEW MORE MOVES, I SHALL CRUSH THEE WITH EXOOOOOOODIAAAAAAA!"

"… any time you wanna stop doin' that, it'd be cool."

"…Exodia?"

"Never mind." Joey's monsters attacked, the first one killing Rare Hunter's monster and the second smacking him in the face. His life points dropped to 2500.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"DON'T! Do NOT scream your move, do not narrate your thoughts, and do NOT give me a play-by-play of something I've already seen! JUST. MOVE." Joey said, finally snapping.

"Oh, Exodia. No need to Exodia so snippy. I play Graceful Charity, draw three cards, and lay a monster in defense mode. Your Exodia."

Joey drew, and the card he drew was not just any card. No, this card was large, and imposing, and powerful! A card of such force and fury that no monster anywhere, ever, could possibly, conceivably fight it and hope to triumph. It was vicious and powerful and dangerous and quite neat-looking, frankly. It was: "I play my Red-Eyes Black Dreegen!" The… er… 'dreegen' burst into being, firing a large, flaming bolt at Rare Hunter's monster, killing it stone-dead. "OHHHHHH Yeah! I rock, and my dreegen rocks, and WE rock togeddeh, and you suck! There's no way ya can win now!"

"I play Exodia."

"Oh, #$(&." Joey said.

The very, very large Egyptian-looking thing came up and just totally mangled Joey. Oh, man… I never saw that comin'! Exodia! There were no clues or hints of what he was doin'! His strategy was kept a total secret throughout the entire match! He is truly a master of deception! "I… I have no choice but to surrender, willingly and with no resistance, my Red-Eyes Black Dreegen."

"Oh, so you won't hand it over, eh?" Rare Hunter sneered.

"… … … no, I will."

"BRUNO! BUBBA! Beat him senseless with pipes and take it!"

WHACK!

"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe."

-Well, waaaaay to go, Yugi. We missed the duel, I can tell. Brilliant.-

Nooooo! Mommy, help me! The bagels have grown teeth! Heeeeeeelp!

In her hospital room, her surgery several hours behind schedule, Serenity Wheeler sat, a vicious scowl on her face. "He. Is. Dead." She said, for maybe the fiftieth time that night. Nobody else was in the room; they were all afraid to come in. So she sat there, alone, and every twenty minutes or so she would just repeat the same three words in a voice that did not seem at all appropriate for the normally cheerful teenager.

Joey was going to learn the hard way that card games are NOT the be-all and end-all of the universe.

"He. Is. DEAD."

Deep under the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the island of Japan and another, smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"Is THAT Seto?" Noah asked. His bloodshot eyes had glazed over and acquired a distinctly deranged cast to them; possibly as a result of spending several days watching the radar screen without sleeping. A thin line of spittle dribbled down the left side of his mouth.

"No, sir. That is a seagull. AGAIN." The computer said. If it was possible, the computer sounded exhausted.

"DAMMIT! Is THAT Seto?"

"Same seagull."

"DAMMIT! Is THAT…"

"Seagull."

"DAMMIT! Hey… maybe if we CATCH these seagulls, we can rope them together, and launch them back to the mainland carrying a message telling Seto to come and fall into my trap!"

"Sir, you're virtual. You have no means of catching seagulls, and no body with which to rope them together. Also, I sincerely doubt that Seto Kaiba would COME if you told him there was a trap here."

"… … … Point taken. Oh, is THAT Seto?"

"Same. Bloody. Seagull."