Chapter 8: Y'know insanity? It doesn't just go away.

"Gentlemen! I have finished my dark plan to crush the pharaoh! Soon, striking forth from this fortress of darkness, I shall consume all the world and reign forever as the eternal god-king!" Malik roared grandiosely.

"Sir, I'm the only one here. Stop calling me 'gentlemen'. And this isn't a fortress of darkness. It's a hotel room." Odion said, with a long-suffering sigh.

"Ah, but I have desecrated this place of sanctuary with black, foul rituals to turn it into an OUTPOST OF DESPAIR!"

"… What?"

"I didn't pay for it."

"Ah. Naturally. So we're criminals now?"

"We are, perhaps, in a strictly hypothetical sense, using this room in a manner that could be, under certain circumstances, considered 'illegal', yes."

"So yes, we are criminals. And in addition, they could rent this room out to someone else, who could come in at any moment?"

"… I don't have to answer that question."

"… sir, would it have been such a terrible idea to just PAY FOR THE ROOM?!"

"Possibly, but considering I spent all our money on a gold-plated notebook to write down my dark plan to crush the pharaoh, I would have to say 'no'."

"Sir…" Odion growled. "If I had not promised our mother, ON HER DEATHBED, that I wouldn't kill you… For Ra's sake, WHY DID YOU NEED A GOLDEN NOTEBOOK?!"

"Gold-plated."

"WHATEVER!"
"Well, you don't write down a plan to destroy the pharaoh every day! I needed an appropriate vessel for a scheme of this rarity and complexity!" Malik proclaimed, holding the gold-plated notebook over his head. It gleamed in the flickering hotel lights.

"… Yeah. Sure. Can I at least see the plan?"

"Of course, my disciple." Malik said reverently. "As my brother, ye alone may gaze upon the wonder contained within the notebook,"

Odion opened the notebook. Inside was a single page of writing:

MALIK'S SUPER-GOOD PLAN OF BEATING YAMI:

1. Take puzzle and cards from Yami.

2. Rule world.

3. Use god-like power to get all the cancelled T.V. shows I like put back on the air.

That was all. The rest of the book was filled with sketches of what appeared to be Malik wearing a crown, with labels that said 'King Malik'.

Odion stared at his Master/little brother in disbelief. "That… that's it? That's the whole plan? You wasted all our money on a notebook to write down a three-sentence plan?!"

"Hey, if my plan brings back Birds of Prey, it's all worth it."

"Birds of… you're the only one who WATCHED that idiotic show! That's why it was cancelled!"

"Hence the need for god-like power,"

-That show was terrible! It was all about Batman's daughter, and it didn't even have Batman in it!- Yami Malik thought.

Oh, what would you know? Your idea of fun is kicking puppies.

-They make funny sounds! And at least puppies will never be cancelled, unlike the crap you watch!-

Stop mocking me, spirit, or I swear I shall…

-What? You won't DO anything. You never do anything. If I keep making fun of you, you're just going to start crying.-

I… I… why do you always gotta be so mean::Sniffle::

-Aw, is widdle baby gonna cwy?-

N-n-n-no…

-Aw, is that lip sticking out? I see the lip!- Yami Malik crowed triumphantly.

Malik started bawling.

Odion started rubbing his temples to fight off the headache.

Outside the door, a dozen large bikers prepared to enter. "Aw, finally, a fine hotel room." One said.

"That's true. It's astonishing how difficult it is to be a roving biker gang, moving from place to place."

"ESPECIALLY for us, the 'Only Violent When Someone Else Enters our Hotel Room' gang! I mean, we're so nice, unless people are in our hotel rooms, in which case we become vicious monsters!"

"Come to think of it, why IS that? Why does that make us so very, very angry? Angry enough to kill?"

"Why, to set up lame jokes, of course!"

"Well, let's head on in!" the gang proclaimed, opening the door to see a crying Malik and a deeply unhappy Odion.

"KILL!" they roared, unhooking various spiked weapons and charging.

Kaiba hung up his phone and snarled in disgust. "Wheeler. God, I hate that guy."

-Do you, Kaiba? Do you really?- A little voice inside him asked.

Yes, really.

-… oh. Okay. Just making sure. Cause you know, sometimes authors make you a couple, and I thought it would be REALLY funny if you had, like, some pent-up attraction to him.-

HA! WHEELER?! He's a loathsome, vile little insect! The thought that I could possibly feel anything other than contempt for him is absolutely ridiculous.

-Oh, I know! I wasn't SERIOUS, I just thought it would be funny. I personally think that pairing is an absolute joke. I mean, YOU?! And JOEY?! You two hate each other. I really hate authors like that, who throw together romances that make no sense, basically out of some twisted desire to ensure that the characters THEY think are cute have sex with each other. But I had to ask.-

Oh, I understand. Kaiba answered. But, by the by, who are you and how are you talking to my mind?!

-Well, to answer that… you're a geek. You're haircut is older than World War II (Which, by the way, Japan lost because your family made us lousy weapons). Your trenchcoat looks like it's made from old drapes. Your company produces out-of-date junk. And your dueling deck? Crap. You are TOTALLY going to lose at Battle City. Get it now?-

All I 'get' is that you hate me.

-Bingo! You see, I'm your Inner Yugi.-

… … huh?

-I'm the Yugi inside your own mind. I exist to tell you all the insulting things that the REAL Yugi wants to say to you, but he won't because you're so much bigger and stronger than he is. Speaking of which, your ears stick out and your head looks like a bruised casaba melon.-

Wonder-#$&-ful. How do I get rid of you?

-Oh, that's the fun part. You see, unlike a Yami or magical spirit, I'm not real. I'm just a product of your insanity and overactive imagination. There's no way to get rid of me because I do not, in fact, exist. Neat, huh? Your teeth are crooked.-

So I'm just, like, imagining you?

-Totally. You're completely insane. And also, you smell.-

Mokuba, who had been watching his brother stare into space for several minutes, spoke up. "Seto, you okay?"

Kaiba looked at his little brother with a haunted expression. "I have an Inner Yugi."

-You SUCK!- Inner Yugi said.

Mokuba was silent for a few seconds. He then took a small silver cell phone from his pocket. "Hello, Number Three? This is Mokuba. Yeah, Seto had another breakdown. Yes, I know he hasn't had one since the Deck incident. I thought he was better too, but now he thinks there's another person in his head. Yeah, I'm president for… oh, let's say, five weeks? That's how long it took that time he thought he was a shrub. Oh, yeah, he's just hearing voices this time, shouldn't be too long. Oh, no reason to cancel Battle City. Yes, I KNOW it's not really called that, but nobody can pronounce the other name. What, it's not like he needs to be sane to participate. Sometimes I think you people forget that all they're actually doing is playing a card game. Okay, see you at the office tomorrow. Bye." He looked at his brother. "Okay, company's taken care of. Time to get you some drugs and therapy."

"Mokuba, I do NOT need more therapy. I got over my last mental breakdown okay."

"That was because losing all your money CAUSED your breakdown. You couldn't have afforded therapy. Now let's go, I think a healthy shot of Prozac will fix you right up!"

"Well, okay… DAMMIT INNER YUGI, SHUT UP!"

"Okay, maybe a couple shots of Prozac."

"No, Razor, you need to fold it HERE, or it won't look like wings!" Malik said.

"What do… OH! I get it now! Thanks, pal!" Razor said.

Three hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to a hotel room, an entire bar's worth of 'genuine Russian' vodka, and an hour spent running from the police later, Malik and Odion were currently sitting in a holding cell at the local police department with the 'Only Violent When Someone Else Enters our Hotel Room' gang.

Odion was desperately trying to get rid of a vicious migraine that was caused by a combination of a baseball bat to the head and too much time spent with Malik. Malik, on the other hand, was teaching the bikers how to make an origami duck, having seemingly forgotten the fact that this fun little group had attempted to bash their heads in.

"Now, everybody, hold up your ducks! Very, very good! Wow… you guys are… are… you guys are GREAT," Malik was a little woozy from the aforementioned vodka. "You guys, you were all trying to KILL us, and then we all fell out the window… and wasn't that GREAT, T-Bone?!" Malik asked.

"You're a cool little freak, dude." T-Bone said.

"And then we fell into that bar, and there was SOOOOOOOOO much alco…alco… VODKA! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Malik started laughing uproariously.

"Sir, what, pray-tell, is funny?" Odion asked.

"SNAILS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But on the other hand, getting arrested sucked, but then we came here, and I was all like 'Y'know what I like? DUCKS!', and you guys were like 'Hey, we like ducks too!'. And then we MADE DUCKS! And, oh my God, snails are HILARIOUS!" he then fell into another giggling fit.

"Sir, have you stopped to consider that we're in jail? In fact, considering the amount of damage we did to various buildings and vehicles… and, er, people… I would have to assume that we will be in jail for quite some time. One would think that NOW would be a good time to say, unleash your incredible powers of darkness? Certainly we cannot win you any god cards if we are serving a life sentence. Making origami ducks doesn't seem to be the best way to spend your time."

"You… Odion, you are SO right! Guys, isn't Odion right?"

"YOU'RE RIGHT, ODION!"

"We are SOOOOOOO gonna get out of here and claim my evil destiny, and we'll devastate things, and conquer things, and claim a whole bunch of power, and … and… and… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Odion sighed deeply. "Snails, sir?"

"God, those invertebrates are HILARIOUS!"

I really, really need to get a new job. Odion thought.

"So, what would you say is your problem?" Dr. Vinderschloss asked.

"I've got an imaginary version of my arch-enemy living inside my brain."

-I hope you DIE! And you know the funny thing? If you died, it wouldn't matter to me because I'm not real! Lord, you suck.-

"Ah… and you are insane?"

"Completely. In fact, a few months ago I became convinced that the entire world was nothing more than a massive nightmare because my life totally sucked. I tried to kill myself in hopes that it would wake me up. And then I beat someone into a coma for stealing my cards. But that bitch had it coming! They were MY cards, MINE!" Kaiba's eyes narrowed. "YOU wouldn't want to steal my cards, would you?"

"Um… no?"

" 'Cause I'm totally rich. I know it's a cliché, but I actually DO have friends that could make sure you're never heard from again. So DON'T touch my cards."

-I could steal your cards, and since I'm not real, you couldn't do ANYTHING ABOUT IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hate you.-

"… … … … Why do I always get the homicidal ones? Other doctors get people who never throw away their garbage, or people who are afraid of oxygen. Me, I get YOU." Dr. Vinderschloss said sadly.

"If you touch my cards, I will SO much kill you."

"::SIGH::… Alright, do you know what might have caused this? Any childhood traumas?"

"Maybe… can't you just shoot me up with Prozac? That always works."

"Oh, just talk."

"Well, okay… as long as I get some Prozac later." Kaiba said. "It all started when I was a kid…"

Flashback

Gozaburo Kaiba: Dinner time! Mokuba, you get this five-pound steak! Don't eat too fast now.

Mokuba: Yippee! (Eats)

G. Kaiba: And Seto, you get these pig slops. The pigs wouldn't eat them, because they were too disgusting. Now eat, or you won't be done in time for your beating.

Seto: … … when did we get pigs?

G. Kaiba: Since I decided that we needed them to screen your food to make sure it was disgusting enough! As my heir, you need to be constantly unhappy, tired, and in pain.

(Scene: Seto doing his homework, while that creepy butler with the huge head and sunglasses watches)

Creepy Butler: (Poking Seto with sharp stick)

Seto: Dammit, that stick is NOT making this faster!

Creepy Butler: Oh, I know. It's just that your father told me to make sure you did your homework, and I'm a desperately unhappy sadist. So, I poke.

G. Kaiba: Butler, what ARE you doing! You can't poke Seto with a stick!

Seto: THANK YOU! I told him to stop, but…

G. Kaiba: Use this spear instead! That stick isn't sharp enough. After all, my heir has to desperately loathe me!

Creepy Butler: (Pokes Seto with spear) Oh, this is MUCH better.

Seto: Ow… hate… ow… hate… ow…

(Scene: Seto's room. Seto is asleep in his bed.)

G. Kaiba: (Enters and pours ice water on Seto's head, leaves)

Seto: (In low, furious growl.) I am SO gonna depose that guy.

End Flashback

"… Is that all?" the doctor asked, mildly afraid.

Kaiba looked innocently up at the ceiling. "Hmmmm… I don't know. Maybe some prozac would jog my memory."

The doctor sighed and jabbed a needle of prozac into Kaiba's arm.

"Ohhhhhh yeah. That's the stuff…" Kaiba sighed.

-Hey, no faiiiir…- Inner Yugi said, his voice quickly fading.

"Okey-dokey, I'm feelin' GREAT. Now, if you'll just give me some prozac, I'll be going 'buh-bye-buh-bye',"

"But… I just gave you Prozac,"

"But not enough for me to win my to my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B to kill Yugi," Kaiba whined. "Just one more?"

The doctor sighed deeply and shot Kaiba up again.

"THank yOU DOctOR!" Kaiba said, emphasizing syllables completely at random. He then got out of the chair and began to spin in circles until he fell out the window.

Dr. Vinderschloss sighed yet again. "Okay, you can come on in!" he shouted to his next patient. The young man walked in, his eyes wide and bloodshot, filled with a deep, abiding terror.

"Thank you for seeing me, doctor. It's just… my other half… he WON'T STOP SINGING! No matter who I kill or threaten or set on fire, he just NEVER SHUTS UP! OH, DEAR SWEET LORD, MAKE IT END!" Evil Bakura roared.

Kaiba walked back in. "Could I possibly have some Prozac?"

"STOP IT! YOU ARE NOT A FREAKIN' MAJOR-GENERAL!" Evil Bakura roared.

The Doctor took one needle in each hand and injected one into each patient.

"Hee-HEE!" Kaiba said, falling to the floor and flopping around like a fish.

Evil Bakura's eyes widened. "WHOA!" he said, a huge goofy smile appearing on his face. He then began to hum the tune to 'Modern Major-General'.

Dr. Vinderschloss buried his face in his hands, and despaired the day he ever became a psychologist.

"Oh, my, that hurts," Malik said. At some point during the night he had fallen asleep on one of the cell cots with his head hanging off the side, and it was in this state he awoke with a number of questions and one hell of a hangover. "Odion? Where are we? What happened last night? Where's the dark fortress of corruption? Why is the world upside down? And why does my head feel like someone drove a railroad spike into it?"

Odion looked down at his Brother/Boss with disapproval. "We're in jail. As for what happened, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty, and that's WHY we're in jail. There WAS no 'dark fortress', it was just a hotel room you didn't pay for. The world isn't upside down." At this point, he lifted Malik's head back into an upright position. "And, finally, you're hungover. Big time. Sir."

"Now, that's impossible. To be hungover, I would have had to be drunk yesterday, and I clearly remember spending the entire day playing checkers with a group of paper ducks and very entertaining snails." Malik replied.

Odion gave him a few seconds to consider what he had just said.

"Alright, so I was drunk." Malik admitted. "I think that it's past time we got out of here! I will now use the DARK POWERS of the MILLENNIUM ROD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FREEDOM SHALT BE OURS!" the young evildoer roared.

"They took your rod, sir."

"… … … huh?"

"They took it. I mean, seriously. That thing is basically a big metal club with a knife inside it. You could bash someone's head in AND stab them. They aren't just going to let you keep it…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my Millennium ROD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING! NOTHING! OH, CRUEL TWISTS OF FORTUNE AND AGONY! OH FOUL DESTINY THAT STRIKETH MY PLOTS DOWN IN THEIR PRIME! OH DARK HADES, HOW CAN THEE SPIT SUCH MISFORTUNES AT ME! I SAY TO THEE HORATIO…"

"Odion."

"… OH YEAH! WELL, WHATEVER! I HAVE NO ROD, AND WITHOUT SUCH ROD, WE ART STUCK! VERILY!"

"You can stop shouting, now."

"… … … … Verily?"

"Oh, shut up. Sir."

Just then, a guard came in and opened the cell door. "Malik and Odion Ishtar? Some lady just came in an' paid your bail money. You're free to go. Thanks for the paper ducks, by the way. Here's your crazy golden stick."

"Yippee! Odion, we're rockin' on outta here! YEEEEE-HAW! We rock! We roll! ONWARD, TO FREEDOM!" Malik shouted, and sprinted to the exit. He took one step outside… then shrieked, and ran back in. "PUT ME BACK IN JAIL, PLEEEEEEEASE! DON'T LET HER TAKE ME!" he begged the guard.

Odion had a funny feeling what was about to happen, and it was confirmed a few moments later.

Isis, one eyebrow arched over the rim of her shades, walked in. Remarkable how she could look amused and pissed off at the same time.

Malik tried desperately to hide in an empty corner. He kept making small squeaking noises like a frightened infant.

"Well, this isn't good." Odion said.