Continue? Gold Edition Chapter Ten, a yu-gi-oh fanfic

Chapter 10: At long last, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B begins!

The day of Seto Kaiba's tournament (The name of which was still open to debate) dawned, bright and pretty indeed. From their various places around town, Yugi (And Yami!), a badly-bruised Joey, Kaiba (And Inner Yugi), Bakura and Evil Bakura, and both of Malik looked out their windows into the absolutely perfect day. All... all... come to think of it, how many of them are there? Do you really count disembodied spirits as people? And certainly, you don't count Inner Yugi, who isn't real! Well, there are at least five of them. And, in a probability shattering concordance of thought and action, all five real people and various spirits and hallucinations were having the EXACT same thought.

Nothing good could POSSIBLY happen today.

Oh, wait. Inner Yugi was actually insulting Kaiba's pants. Sorry.

In the Domino city branch headquarters of Evil Anonymous, the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ chuckled softly. Gazing at her evil viewing mirror, she watched as Yami, the most-hated-not-payer-backer-of-money, got his deck and equipment ready for OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B.

Oh, she would get her revenge. In fact, since coming to Evil Anonymous, she seemed to have actually gotten MORE evil. Why, the other day she had found a candy bar lying in the lobby, and she had eaten it without even asking if it belonged to anyone. And just yesterday she had shaved a cat. She was at least twice as evil as she'd been before!

Looking through her book of evil curses, she carefully selected the most horrible and vicious curse that she could find. Unfortunately, that was the 'Game Over' curse, which didn't work on anyone who had broken it once. And since her book of evil curses had been bought for $1.50 at a garage sale (It had seemed like such a good bargain!), most of the others weren't particularly good. She didn't think Yami would be terribly hurt by a curse that turned all the BLACK licorice he touched into RED licorice. And even worse, the one that made it so that whenever he stepped on a bug, it would increase the probability of rain the next day by .000005 percent.

"Blast it all, these curses suck! Who would possibly want to use these?! Turns Skippy™ peanut butter into Jiff™ peanut butter?! Makes toast slightly less toasted?! Oh, for the love of Ra..." Finally, she just picked one. It wasn't the BEST curse in the world, but it beat out the others. Who knew, maybe it would kill him! Stranger things had happened. Gazing at the image in her evil viewing mirror, she began a harsh Egyptian chant until...

A loud knocking startled her out of her spell. The magic, totally knocked off kilter, flew out randomly into the world.

"Hello? Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™? We're having a s'more roast, so come down to the kitchen if you want some! See ya there!" Her Evil Counselor said cheerfully, before wandering off whistling.

Ohhhhhhh, no. She thought desperately. Why'd that idiot have to come in THEN?! That curse... I didn't get to tell it where to go! It wasn't a GREAT curse, but still... I wonder who it'll hit?

Bakura walked along, happily. It was a happy day, and he was about to be in a happy tournament. And just that morning, somebody had mailed him a delightful present! Granted, he hadn't really WANTED a 5,000 pound stone coffin with hieroglyphics on it, but he was happy for the present. And so it was that he was singing a happy little song to himself as he walked on to be in the happy tournament.

"Oh, happy days are here again, the sky above is clear again, let's sing a song of cheer again, happy OH ME OH MY OH BLOODY HELL OH FALOOOZA!" he shouted, as a wave of cold ran suddenly down his entire body.

-I don't think those are the words to that song. And I don't think 'faloooza' is a word, period. And you suck.- Evil Bakura pointed out helpfully.

I... feel so weird... Like someone poured about a pound of ice down my shirt. How... odd.

-Oh, it was probably just you sucking. Nothing big.-

... ... ... ... I do NOT suck.

-I'm sorry, I can't hear it when people who SUCK talk to me.-

Bakura sighed in ongoing frustration, set off on his way once more... and tripped over his shoelace, which had come untied.

In his blimp, Seto Kaiba stared out at the city of Domino. "Ahhhhhh... Smell that, Mokuba?"

"... Smell what?"

"The VICTORY. I smell a LOT of victory in the air. Victory for me! Finally, at long last, my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B has truly begun, and I can step into the victory buffet, taking from it the pasta and clams of victory, and victory juice, and a delicious slice of CHOCOLATE VICTORY CAKE! OPEN THE SCREEN, LIEUTENANT MOKUBA!"

"Um... yeah. Sure," Mokuba said, turning on the blimp's video screen so Kaiba could talk to the tournament.

"AHEM?"

"... Sure, GENERAL."

"Better. Now, where's my microphone... ah. GOOOOOOOD MORNING, DOMINOOOOOOO!" He bellowed.

Far below, on the streets of Domino, millions of people fell to the ground clutching their ears as Kaiba's blimp screen blasted his screaming speech at earsplitting levels. Glass shattered, cars exploded.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. The volume was up too high. Everyone okay?"

"... ... ... ...HUH?" The deafened city asked.

"Okay, sure. In any case, there are just a few extra rules to announce before the tournament... DAMMIT, INNER YUGI, SHUT UP! Okay, first of all... anyone heard saying the words 'Battle City' by a tournament official will be shot like a dog... NO! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, put the bat down, Mokuba! Okay, you need to win what I have termed 'Locator Cards'. These are cards that locate things. SHUT THE #(& UP, INNER YUGI! THEY'RE PLENTY ORIGINAL! Second... heck, I've already told you everything else. Oh, and I'll be competing... so you all might as well give up right now. I will mess y'all up. I freakin' rock! OH, FOR GOD'S... I DO SO ROCK, INNER YUGI! Alright, that's it..." and with that, Kaiba reached into his pocket, pulled out a needle of prozac, and injected it into his neck. "Hee, hee, hee, hee... oh, and thhehe other rule is flibbity flobbity FLOO. Hee, hee... take it away, Steve!"

"Seto, my name isn't... oh, whatever. Just... just go play cards. You people are all losers anyway." Mokuba said sadly, shutting the screen off.

"You reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally shouldn't be so negative, Steve. It'll make you turn purple." Seto informed him.

"... Dammit, I JUST HAD my Seto Bat, and I set it down for five seconds, and now it's gone! Why is it always like that when you really need something?" Mokuba asked no one in particular.

Joseph H. (H for H) Wheeler the First was a man on a mission. Somewhere, hidden in the depths of the labyrinth of Domino, was the man who had wronged him. The man who had stolen his Red-Eyes Black Dreegen... Dragon. The man who had beaten him with pipes for essentially no reason. And the man who had made him late for his appointment with Serenity and almost gotten him KILLED. Oh, Joey would FIND him. And then Joey would engage him in a dangerous, horrific duel to the finish for the right to the Red-Eyes Black Dreegen... er, Dragon. And, oh yes, he would TRIUMPH, tramping the fool down into the dirt. It wasn't as though the guy had EXODIA, or anything crazy like that.

Joey had a rather short-term memory.

But right now, his problem was that he couldn't FIND the guy. He could be anywhere, and Joey didn't know how to find him. Looking, obviously, did not rate very high as an option in Joey's circle of friends. So he simply stood in one spot and asked OTHER people if they'd seen him.

"Have you seen a guy who looks really creepy and replaces random woids wit' 'Exodia'?"

"Why, yes! He's right over..."

"Aw, yer useless! Next!"

Joey, obviously, was no Sherlock Holmes. But, apparently, sheer tenacity counts for something. Because the 438th person he shook down for info was none other than the Rare Hunter himself, who had been eating at a café about a block away.

"Well, well, Exodia... if it isn't little mister Wheeler! Lost any Exodias lately?"

"Fer the luvva... stop TALKIN' like that! You don't make any freakin' sense!"

"... ... Exodia?"

"Yeah, like that! Now, are we gonna play cards or not?"

"HA! Of course not! I have already taken your Exodia card! Exodia!"

"... ... ... ... ..."

"BUT YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN MINE!" A deep, dramatic voice said.

The crowd magically parted, as Yami entered the scene. "Ah... so YOU are one of the Rare Hunters, servant of the Dark Presence that... um... ... did something... to Bandit Keith! ... Have you told your new boss she's a lousy villain?"

"SHHHHHHH! Don't TALK about her! She can hear you with her evil ears!"

"... ... And do what? Kick us in the shins?"

"Maybe even WORSE!"

-YUUUUUUUUUUUGI! HE'S RUINING THE DRAMA!- Yami whined.

Um... change the subject! Go back to the cards! Everyone loves card games!

"Okay, enough on that! WE SHALL... oh, I think I'm going to cry..." Yami said, tears welling up in his eyes.

... ... ... ... The HELL?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

-Yugi... we... we're gonna duel! I mean, like, for REAL. We... haven't gotten to do that for so long! I'm soooooo happy!-

Then stay on task! Challenge! Seize the day!

"RARE HUNTER! I to duel you challenge!"

"... Exodia?"

"... Huh?"

"Oh, fer... hey, creepy guy! He wants to play you. You accept?" Joey asked.

"Well, I..."

"Yes. Yes, you do. Okay, now play cards before I hurt y'all."

Yami's eyes widened. "Well... okay. Let's... duel?"

"As you wish! Oh, Exodia I shall claim your Dark Magician and Exodia you!"

"Hey, did you just..." Yami began.

"DUEL! I have the first turn... but I choose to pass. Your Exodia. But go in vain, knowing that I shall destroy thee with EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"... ... ... ...I play Alpha, the Magnet Warrior, and I'll... I'll hit you now. Did you just..."

R.H: 2600

"I choose to pass again. But know that in merely four turns, I shalt draw all five pieces of EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Aw, man... Yugi, I gotta tell ya, this guy beat me yestahday with..."

"DON'T! Tell him my Exodia, and I shall Exodia your Red-Eyes! Hehehehehehehehehehehehe." Rare Hunter laughed (In a manner of speaking).

"Aw, man, I'm sorry, Yug. I can't tell ya his secret strategy!" Joey said apologetically.

"... Joey, I THINK I've figured it out," Yami said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"HA! There is NO way you could have possibly figured out my uber-secret Exodia to Exodia you with EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"... Yeah, I'm PRETTY sure I know what you're doing." Yami told him.

"Wow, Yug... how did ya figure it out? Yer incredible duelist instincts?"

"... More like my amazing power to hear him telling it to me."

"LIAR! YE SHALT NEVER DECIPHER MY EXODIA!" Rare Hunter roared.

"Son of a... you are GOING to try to beat me with Exodia."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–"

"OH, SHUT UP! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING, YOU IDIOT?! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND SHOUTING 'EXODIA! EXODIA!', IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR EXODIA! MOTHER OF GOD, MY FIRST REAL DUEL IN TWO STORIES, AND I GET YOU?! 'OOOOOH, EXODIA! I'M A MORON, SO I'LL ACT LIKE I'M NOT PROJECTING MY STRATEGY IN STEREO!' YOU IDIOTIC SON OF A– YOU!" Yami turned to sky, screaming to the author "YOU SOLD ME OUT, YOU BASTARD! LIAR! LYING BASTARD!"

Live with it, twerp. On with the 'duel'.

"I... hate... you... so... much..." Yami sighed, defeated. "I sacrifice my Magnet Warrior for the Summoned Skull, and I hit you again..."

Less than a mile away, in a dark alley... Bakura tripped over his untied shoelace.

Okay, seriously now. Less than a mile away, in a dark alley, a young duelist fell to his knees, utterly destroyed. Above him, the Dark Man gave a satisfied smile. "Ahhhhhhh... victory just tastes so... DELICIOUS. Particularly when it's mixed in with a little despair." He looked down at his beaten opponent. "Thank you very much for the warm up, loser. It will serve me very well... think of this as a rehearsal for Yugi's funeral. You can keep your rare card, I have no need or desire for anything but that locator card."

One down, five to go...

Rare Hunter smiled viciously. "Oh, Yugi... you are such a fool! True, you may have uncovered my strategy, but in only two turns I will draw EXODIA! YOU CANNOT WIN! Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Oh, my turn? I pass."

"... I attack again. And, y'know... win."

"OH, you shall PAY for that when I draw Exodia!"

"I won, dude. You don't get to draw any more."

"You can't have won, you didn't draw Exodia!"

"... ... ... ... ... ... Did nobody ever tell you there are other ways to win?"

"I... you... I... what... we... how... Exodia?"

"Okay, I'll take my buddy's dragon, if you don't mind."

"RARE HUNTER!" a voice said. "YE HAVE FAILED! PREPARE TO SUFFER DIVINE PUNISHMENT!"

A man in rare hunter robes ran out into the arena, fluidly slipped next to Rare Hunter... and kicked him in the shins. Then he handed Yami and Yugi an envelope, and left.

Rare Hunter held his shin. "... ... Ow!"

Yugi took back his body. "Dragon, dude?"

"Oh, here. I didn't really want it anyway. Awfully sucky card." Rare Hunter said, giving the Red-Eyes to Yugi, who handed it to Joey.

Silence.

"Um... Joey... aren't you gonna give it back to me? To, y'know, forge a link between us? Join our powers in one deck, giving us strength?"

"Hell no. This thing's mine. YOU can't have it, so don't ask again." Stroking the dragon happily, Joey purred "My prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrecious..."

"... ... ... ... WAY to be sentimental, bitch. Okay, to the envelope..." Yugi opened it up, and the contents read:

Dear Yugi,

Hi! How are you? I'm good. Just so you know, I'm going to destroy you. And stuff. I'm writing because Bandit Keith had my only walkie-talkie. So, just so you know, I have other Rare Hunters, and they're all a little bit smarter than this one was. They're coming for your death, and evil purposes, and other things. Oh, and don't lose that artifact that Isis gave you, because I'm coming to kill you and take it. Oh, and one of my dudes has an EGYPTIAN GOD CARD. They're awfully cool. Now that you know what one is, you're obligated to say 'Egyptian God Card' at least three times per chapter.

Love, Luck and Lollipops,

The Queen of the Rare Hunters

You know, Yami, every time we run into one of these incompetent pseudo-villains, a little piece of my soul dies.

"WHAT?! EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS?!"

... ... huh?

"EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS!"

"Yug, whatcha talkin' bout?" Joey asked.

"EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS!" Yami screamed, for the third required time.

"So teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell me, Steve, how is Yugi-woogilibile doin'?" Kaiba asked.

"Seto, for the last time... NOT STEVE. As for Yugi, he just beat a guy who I happen to think HACKED HIS WAY INTO THE TOURNAMENT LISTINGS!"

"WHOA."

"What, that criminals have broken into your precious tournament?"

"No. PIE." Seto said meaningfully.

"... Right. Anyway, I looked over his entry sheet, and I... well, let's just say we REALLY need to step up security. Here take a look."

Name: Rare Hunter

Occupation: Rare Hunter.

Hobbies: Rare Hunting, Knitting

Group Affiliations: The Rare Hunters

Are You a Rare Hunter? Rare Hunters Aren't Allowed In the Tournament: No.

"... ... Okay, I'm doped on Prozac, and even I can tell this sheet shouldn't have passed. We really do need to increase the Security budget." Kaiba admitted. "But Yugi whooped him, right? SO, now I need to go down there to fight in the tournament of fighting of tournament of fighting. With OBELISK THE TORMENTOR!

"And," Kaiba added, his tone growing darker, "PIE."

"Where the hell is my 'Seto Bat'?!" Mokuba growled, looking around for something heavy to smack his brother with.

"Oh, Steve, you are SUCH a character..."