Author's Note: I may not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but as of today, I own Sylus 'Death' McGlee. And that, my friends, makes up for it all.
Chapter 11: Sometimes, chapters just don't have a lot to do with anything.
On a darkened street in the heart of Domino, there was a brilliant flash of light. From this flash, there stepped a young girl. But this was no ORDINARY young girl. This was the single most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth, with beautiful blue eyes and brilliant golden hair. She was athletic, brilliant, pleasant to spend time with, and always succeeded at everything. Around her neck, she wore a glowing golden artifact shaped like a star with an eye in the middle. Her name was Alicia Perfectia.
"Oh, my!" She said. "It looks like I've been transported into the world of Yu-Gi-Oh!™ Luckily, I have my ancient family pendant, which is also the hidden eighth millennium item, the Millennium Star! It has the power to turn bread into gold, and it makes me immortal and gives me laser vision, and controls the weather, and creates demon wolves to defend me, and summons the very gods to serve as my soldiers, and it is the ONLY thing that can defeat the Dreaded Dark Lord Zod, who will otherwise devour the earth because he's a million times more powerful than Yami (Who is actually my husband from 5,000 years ago!) but my Millennium Star can defeat him in just under a second! I'm also lucky that I'm pretty and smart and everybody loves me and..."
BLAM!
The bullet struck Alicia in the neck, severing her spinal cord and trachea. Paralyzed from the neck down and unable to breath, she collapsed like a puppet with her strings cut and drowned in a pool of her own blood.
His high powered sniper rifle still smoking, a middle aged (But still heavily muscled) man dressed in a khaki vest, faded jeans, a broad rimmed hat, and a necklace made of crocodile teeth sauntered out of the alley from which he had fired. "HA! The Mary-Sue ain't been made what can escape from Sylus 'Death' McGlee, luv!" he said in a thick Australian accent. "Now, where is it... AH! Another 'eighth item', eh? Well, this oughta fetch me a fine price down in Cambodia! I swear, Mary-Sue 'unting is more profitable than Ivory and Rhino poaching put together!"
Yes, I know it's sad, but a thriving ring of Mary-Sue poachers have been operating in Domino for years, selling eighth millennium items to collectors for vast profits in the black markets of Southeast Asia. And while elephants and rhinos have the law to protect them, to this day Mary-Sue hunting is perfectly legal in every nation except England (Where live Mary-Sues are one of their top ten national exports). Said World Wildlife Foundation chairman Jefferson McTreeington: "Who cares? Nobody likes them anyway."
If this hunting continues, someday there will be no Mary-Sues left in the wild, their majestic cry of 'Oh, My! It looks like I've been transported to (Insert Name of Anime) where I will easily defeat (Insert name of ridiculously powerful made-up villain whose only weakness happens to be an item/weapon/power in the Mary-Sue's possession), and then fall deeply in love with (Insert name of main character/supporting character who's cuter than main character)!' no longer echoing across the plains.
Please, join the Mary-Sue Anti Poaching Foundation (MSAPF), and help make unrestricted Mary-Sue hunting illegal. Before the noble Mary-Sue disappears... forever.
Or don't. Really, nobody likes them anyway.
Malik looked around for a few seconds. "Did you hear a gunshot?" he asked Odion.
"No, sir. I've been too busy playing cards with annoying children to win locator cards for YOU, even though I don't even LIKE this game and YOU'RE the one with the 'Invincible and Shiny Winged Dragon of freakin' Ra', as you've so charmingly coined it. Please, sir... I'm twenty-seven. I don't want to play card games with ten year olds. Can't you win your own cards?" Odion asked.
"... ... ... I don't want the Winged Dragon of Ra to get dirty," Malik said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He then started chuckling. "I STILL can't get over that. I have the Invincible and Shiny Winged Dragon of freakin' RA!"
"... I hate you, sir."
"Are you SURE you didn't hear a gunshot?"
"... Sir, are you even listening to me?" Odion asked doubtfully.
"I'm listening to what now?"
"If I had not promised our mother, on her DEATHBED, that I wouldn't kill you..."
Yugi looked around for a few seconds. "Joey," he asked calmly, "Did you hear a gunshot?"
-SNIPERS!- Yami psychically roared. -THE INVISIBLE CYBORG ZOMBIE NINJAS ARE FINALLY MAKING THEIR MOVE! YUGI, WE HAVE TO GET TO COVER!-
"Nah." Joey said dismissively. "It was probably the wind."
"... The wind doesn't sound like a gun, Joey."
"It was probably gun wind."
-IT WAS DEADLY SNIPERS SEEKING MY LIFE! Yugi, right now there are dozens of undead cyborg ninjas locking lethal sniper rifles on my... our... brain! And they are doing it in an INVISIBLE manner! That makes it even more lethal!-
"Joey, there is no such thing as 'gun-wind'. That doesn't even make sense. And I don't even really care anymore. I'm sure someone was brutally murdered. And you know, a few weeks ago that would have really bothered me. But I just... don't... CARE. I'm just gonna go on and win Kaiba's freakin' okey-dokey-clisti thing, and then I'm going to look at all the losers who didn't win, and I'm going to say..."
"... You suck?" Tristan asked.
Behind her new eye bandages, Serenity's eye burned. "WHAT?!"
"Like, lollipops? I like those."
"... Oh. Well. Okay. Sure. Candy is good, I suppose." She said, calming down somewhat. "So, Tristan, nothing personal, but why are you here? I mean, I know you're Joey's friend and all. But we've never even met and, to be frank, I don't need eyes to see that you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. Why are you here?"
"Why, to give you the play by play on Joey's duels in OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B!" Tristan said proudly.
"... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Was that even a word?"
"What, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B?"
"No, I meant JOEY. Is JOEY a word?" Serenity asked sarcastically. "OF COURSE I MEANT... oky... kissth... watla... WHATEVER!"
"Yeah! It's the name of Kaiba's tournament. For some reason everyone acts like it's weird, but it sounds fine to me."
"... For some reason, I think that's proof of its inherent wrongness. But in any case, I guess that's okay, but what made you think of it? Did Joey ask you to?"
"Weeeeeeeeeeell..."
FLASHBACK (Tristan Mode):
Joey: Hey, Tristan, ol' buddy ol' pal, I'm gonna be in OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B today, so would you please go and spend a lot of time with my gorgeous, wounded, emotionally vulnerable sister? Oh, by the way, what's your favorite dessert?
Tristan: Pie!
Joey: Wow, me too! Now, before you say anythin', she's REALLY hot and she'll probly fall in love wit' anyone who goes and helps her follow my duelin'. Think ya can help?
Tristan: Sure!
Joey: Thank you, greatest of friends!
END FLASHBACK:
"... yeah! Yeah, he asked me to come here and help you out. He told me to, in fact!"
"Ah. Well, I guess it's okay, then. And I really DO want to see Joey duel... well, not 'see', but hear about, at least. Funny, though... that really doesn't sound like Joey at all!"
FLASHBACK (What really happened):
Joey: Tristan... listen to me, and listen good. I'm gonna be in Kaiba's crazy okey-kokey thing, and my sister is gonna be alone. And she had BETTER stay that way, ya hear?! If I hear you were takin' advantage of my gorgeous, wounded, emotionally vulnerable sister, I will kill you. I'm not even jokin', I will literally freakin' kill you. I will kill you so hard that your entire family will feel it. Do you get me?
Tristan: Pie!
Joey: ... The hell?! Are you even listenin' to me?! 'Cause I'm not jokin'. Seriously. I'll kill ya.
Tristan: Sure!
Joey: Dude, yer startin' ta piss me off...
END FLASHBACK"So, Yug. I appreciate yer helpin' me out wit' my red-eyes, but for now we need to get on wit our duelin'! Let's see... you go on and fight horrible villains who'll kill ya if you lose, while I go play with a bunch a' creepy geeks. Sound good?"
"... ... That does seem to be the way these things work. See you around."
-YUGI, for the last time, we need to take cover! There could be snipers taking aim at us RIGHT NOW!-
Yami, just shut the hell up.
About a quarter-mile away, Bakura tripped over his untied shoelace. "BLOODY HELL!" he shouted. "THAT'S THE SEVENTEENTH TIME TODAY!"
Starting to get a general idea of what the curse is?
Walking along, searching for a random duel to duel, Joey saw a familiar face... about to get his familiar face stomped in by an unfamiliar face.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Espa Roba laughed gratingly. "I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PLAY THAT CARD, REX RAPTOR! THAT'S BECAUSE I'M CHEA... PSYCHIC! NOT CHEATING! AND I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE A MICROPHONE HIDDEN UNDER MY HAIR!"
"Dammit, would you STOP THAT?!" Rex said. "I can't concentrate with you shouting like that!"
"NO! I'M ESPA ROBA! THIS IS HOW I TALK!" Roba shouted.
"Hey, Raptor! What's goin' on?" Joey said.
"Oh, hey Wheeler. I'm dueling this Roba dude. He says he's psychic, and he DOES seem to know what's in my hand, but he spends so much time shouting that when I try to ask about it I can't get a word..."
"HEY, STOP TALKING TO THAT GUY AND KEEP DUELING! WE NEED TO DUEL, AND I'M TOTALLY PSYCHIC AND READING YOUR MIND WITH PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!" Roba bellowed.
Rex winced. "... In edgewise."
Joey grimaced. "Man, and I thought YOU were annoyin'..."
"Heh, heh, yeah, I know what you... HEY!"
"HA! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU PLAY OR NOT BECAUSE I PLAYED MY JINZO AND HE'S A ROBOT AND NOT A PSYCHIC LIKE ME AND HE'S COOL AND HE'LL BEAT YOU! WITH ME! BECAUSE I'M PSYCHIC AND I SEE THE FUTURE AND READ MINDS!" Espa screamed, as his Jinzo actually did beat Rex. With him. Because he's psychic.
"Oh, yippee hooray. Will you stop talking to me now?" Rex asked, handing over his rarest card and locator card.
"HA! NO, I WON'T STOP! IN FACT, I'LL TALK MORE AND THIS TIME THE TALKING WILL BE GLOATING! I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I HAVE YOUR CARDS NOW! I ROCK! YOU SUCK! I'M CHEATI... PSYCHIC! DEFINITELY NOT CHEATING! AT ALL!"
"Son of a... WHEELER! Please, you HAVE to beat this idiot and make him SHUT UP. Even for just a..."
"BECAUSE IF I WAS CHEATING, I WOULDN'T TELL YOU! I WOULD TELL YOU I PSYCHIC... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M CHEATING BECAUSE I WAS NOT!"
"... Second." Raptor finished through gritted teeth. "Please... you hear and say so many idiotic things, his babbling won't affect you! You have to make him stop talking for the good of mankind! If I can have a moment of silence while he is nearby, I can leave the tournament a happy man!" Rex begged.
"... Aw, what the heck? I don't see why..."
"HA! YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT ME!? YOU CAN'T! I'M SOOOOO PSYCHIC THAT I'LL TOTALLY DESTROY YOU AND YOU'LL LOSE AND BE DESTROYED! YOU SUCK! AND YOU'LL LOSE! AND BE DESTROYED! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"... not."
Yugi, walking along, saw something that made his gut fill with icy terror. Oh, and also what appeared to be an evil clown of some sort. But of far more importance was...
"HELLO, YUGI!" Tea said. "I was just walking to find you, when I saw a chipmunk and I just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE chipmunks so I decided to pet the chipmunk but it ran away and I chased it and after four hours it led me RIGHT TO YOU! What a great coincidence! I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE coincidences!"
"Hey, Tea. What's with the evil clown?"
"Oh, him? That's my NEW FRIEND! YAY! I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE new friends! I've been making him help me find the squirrel! YAY! I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
The evil clown sighed sadly. "I was supposed to deliver a threatening challenge of some sort to you... but I think being around this girl has drained my brain or something, because I've completely forgotten it. Something to do with magic, or something... Screw it. I don't get paid enough to dress up in this idiotic clown suit and deliver threats to people I don't even know. I'm going out to lunch." The evil clown said, and headed off to lunch.
"... ... okay. So, what do we do now?"
"We can talk about my favorite STUFF! I like ice cream, and bunnies, and benches, and garbage, and oreos, and pancake mix, and northwestern spotted terns, and..."
Underneath the local circus tent, Arkana the magician was flipping a pen to keep himself entertained. Where IS that kid? I've got this whole spiffy arena, with buzz saws and EVERYTHING, and he won't show up! Surely my evil clown has found him by now! Maybe... maybe he didn't listen to my clown! No, everyone listens to evil clowns. It's a rule! He's probably... he's probably on his way. Yeah, he's on his way. Yeah.
And so he sat, and continued to wait.
Had he known that his evil clown was, at that moment, ordering a double cheeseburger at the local McDonald's™, he might not have been so confident.
Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.
"So, computer," Noah said conversationally. "Any sign of..."
"NO! Blast it all, sir, there is NO sign of Seto Kaiba. There hasn't been any sign since the first time you asked. Or during any of consequent 450,352 askings. Seto is NOT coming, he has never BEEN coming, and odds are he will never BE coming. Why can you not comprehend this?!"
"But what about..."
"THAT IS A SEAGULL! There is no point at which it was NOT a seagull, damn you! Sir."
"Ah. But what if it WASN'T a seagull, but was actually Seto DRESSED as a seagull? Did you ever think of that?"
"An interesting theory. But WRONG. Incredibly wrong. So extremely wrong that I am certain the sheer wrongness of it all just caused a rip in the fabric of time and space somewhere... ah, yes, my sensors just detected Mars being sucked into a dimensional rift. Congratulations sir, you just destroyed Mars. Really good work."
"Whoa. I couldn't have been that wrong, could I?"
"Apparently, yes. Although it seems possible that someone else could have been equally wrong at the exact same time..."
Meanwhile, in Domino, at the exact same time...
"And my thought on the subject is, if I WIN Battle City, Isis won't be angry any more!" Malik said proudly.
-... ... ... ... My lord, that is so unbelievably wrong that it makes my head scream in agony... and except when I'm possessing you, I don't even HAVE a head.- Yami Malik said in disbelief.
"Sir, have you considered that your plan is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my entire life?" Odion asked.
And...
Yami, I'm lucky to have a great friend like you! Bakura thought.
-If I could kill you without killing myself, I would throw you in front of a bus.- Evil Bakura thought.
Kidder.
And...
Maybe if I beat this guy, he'll shut up! Joey thought.
And...
"Yessir... I bet Yugi is coming to answer my challenge, riiiiiiight now!" Arkana said to no one in particular.
And...
I think Serenity really likes me! I bet Joey will be soooooo happy if we get together! Tristan thought.
"Tristan? TRISTAN? You haven't said anything in twenty minutes. Are you still here?" Serenity asked.
And...
Yami, what are we doing? I thought we were supposed to be in a tournament, but we're just sitting here listening to Tea yammer.
-Don't worry, Yugi. We'll be neck-deep in dramatic dueling within a few chapters. After all, the author promised.-
And he would NEVER lie to us.
"... And I also like ham! And..." Tea yammered.
"Oh, God! I almost forgot! We need to get the Egyptian God Cards!"
"... Huh?" Tea asked..
"Tea, would you like some lunch? I think we're having Egyptian God Cards!"
Yami, I don't think that you actually have to say that EVERY chapter...
-I'm sorry, Yugi, I couldn't hear you. Those Egyptian God Cards were too loud!-
Son of a...