Chapter 12: HA! THE PSYCHIC ROBOT IS PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL WITH PSYCHIC POWERS!
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YOU, JOEY WHEELER, HAVE NO HOPE AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL!"
"We haven't even started yet!" Joey screamed in frustration. "Whenever I'm about to make my first move, you start screaming about how you're going to win! It's distracting!"
"See?!" Rex asked. "That's how he beat me! No matter what happens, he just keeps shouting at the top of his lungs! It gets old REALLY FAST."
"Okay, I play…" Joey began.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT MOVE WILL BE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU ARE PATHETIC AND YOU SUCK AND YOU'RE DUMBER THAN A CHICKEN BUT NOT DUMBER THAN A COW, AND YOU WILL FALL LIKE A FALLING THING AGAINST MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC! AND…"
"Powerful?" Rex and Joey finished dryly.
"… YES! THAT'S RIGHT! AND TRUE! IT'S INTERESTING THAT YOU COULD GUESS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY! AND UNUSUAL! BUT I'M THE PSYCHIC, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO INTERRUPT ME SO HA!"
"Yeah… now that we're past that, can I make my move so we can duel and then, eventually, I won't have to see you anymore?"
"SURE! GO AHEAD! I DON'T CARE!"
"Okay, I play…"
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT MOVE WILL FAIL AND I KNOW IT WILL FAIL BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!"
"Son of a…"
"And I also LOOOOOOOOVE fish!" Tea bubbled. "And I LOOOOOOOOVE…"
"BLOODY HELL!" a voice roared, shocking Yami out of his Tea-induced trance. "Why the bloody hell won't my bloody shoelaces stay bloody tied?!"
Looking quickly around, Yami saw Bakura kneeling in the middle of the street tying his shoelace. His normally immaculate clothes were torn and filthy, and his face was badly scratched up. Several cars were beeping wildly at him, but he just screamed "GO AROUND YOU BLOODY MORONS!" and kept tying his shoes.
"Bakura… why are you sitting in the middle of a street? Unless… you are the dark spirit of the Millennium Ring, here in this street to enact some foul ritual of darkness!" Yami shouted.
"No, I just tripped. My shoelace came untied."
"… oh. Well… could you tell your dark spirit to do something evil? I'm getting bored."
"But I though you were in the middle of a horrific conflict with the… Rare Hunters. Sorry, I forgot that group has lost some of its luster."
"I know. First I ran into some guy who telegraphed his strategy a week in advance, and then an evil clown kinda thought about maybe telling me about someone else's challenge. They really do need to work on their recruitment program…"
"I really DO need to work on my recruitment program." The Queen of the Rare Hunters said, sighing sadly. "That was Arkana on the phone. Apparently, Yugi hasn't actually showed up to fight him. But he is, and I quote, 'pretty sure that the evil clown is starting to get ready to get around to talking to Yugi'."
"Aw, we feel your pain, Queenie. Why, not so long ago, Sir Malik killed our bestest buddy right in the middle of 'The Little Mermaid'! I swear, it TOOOOOTALLY ruined Ariel's big musical number." One of the many cloaked figures said, offering her a conciliatory pat on the back.
Say what you will about Malik. Sure, he might be insane. He might be kind of a loser. But at least he TRIED to keep total sissies from getting into his black market ring. With the Queen's advent, (And with it the rise of Rainbow Brite notepads and obligatory My Little Pony wallpaper) however, they began flowing into the group like wine in a… um… well… a wine factory.
Oh, shut up. I can't be witty all the time.
"Thank you, Leonard. And I know you're right, I'm not the only one who has a hard life; and I'm truly touched that you care about me enough to offer your empathy in my time of woe. I really do believe that it's people like you who will project the kind of sensitive, friendly image I want this group to take up," the Queen said, smiling at her servant.
"Why, thank you, your majesty!" Leonard squealed.
"People LIKE you, Leonard. Not you. Unfortunately, you laid your filthy hands upon my royal person, and the first rule of the Rare Hunters is that I may not be touched by you. You all are beneath me, so any touch of my body to yours constitutes a deadly insult to me. I really do like you Leonard, I think you're a great guy. But I have to keep up appearances, so I'm going to have to execute you. Sorry." She snapped her fingers, and two large men grabbed Leonard and dragged him away screaming.
"Okay, on to more pressing matters. ODION!" She screamed.
"He… um… he…" another hunter stuttered.
"What?"
"He doesn't work here anymore, remember? He went with Sir Malik. I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"
"Now, now, I don't blame you for bringing bad news!" the Queen said brightly.
"Oh, thank God…"
"I blame you for letting Odion leave in the first place. He was the most dramatic group member by far. Without him, we totally suck. So yeah, I'm gonna kill you."
"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…"
"RELAX. I'm joking!"
"Oh, thank you your majesty! I swear I'll never bring you bad news again! I swear!"
"I know you won't. Now go back to your room and watch some nice T.V. I heard 'Beauty and the Beast' will be on the Disney channel in an hour." And with that, the grateful Hunter fairly sprinted back to his room. The Queen got out her cell phone. "Hello, Guards? I've got a Code-2385. Yeah, a 'Bearer of Bad News' clause. I need you to execute the guy in room 709 when you get the chance, okay? Thanks. And when you get the chance, execute yourself for not saying 'Well hi-skippy-doo!' when you picked up the phone. Bye!"
"Now. What other news is there?" She asked brightly, looking around at the very, very pale group.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOT ONLY WILL THAT MOVE FAIL, IT WILL FAIL IN THE MOST SPECTACULARLY FAILING FAILURE IMAGINABLE TO HUMAN PEOPLE! IT WILL FAIL AND YOU SUCK AND WILL FAIL AND FALL TO MY INCREDIBLE PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!"
"DAMMIT, WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY?!" Joey roared in frustration.
"NO! WHY WOULD I? I WANT YOU TO LOSE! I WANT TO WIN, AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE LOST AND YOUR LOSS WILL BE TO ME AND MY…"
"PSYCHICALLY POWERFUL PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!" Rex shouted. "Was I right? That's what you were gonna say, isn't it? Tell me I got it right!"
"… … … … … … …um…" Roba began.
"WHEELER, NOW! WHILE HE'S STUNNED!" Rex shouted.
"I play Giltia the Dark Knight!" Joey said, slamming the card down.
"OH, YOU FREAKIN' MORON!" Rex screamed, slapping his forehead in frustration.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I TOLD YOU YOUR MOVE WOULD FAIL, AND JUST LOOK AT THAT IT HAS! YOU SUCK! YOU FAILED! YOU FAILED AND YOU SUCK! YOU'RE A SUCKING FAILURE!"
"What? What'd I do?"
"That monster has five stars, you idiot. Didn't you read the rulebook?" Rex asked.
"Yeah. The rules said that to play a monster with five stars or more, you have to stab your opponent with a rusty knife. I was just about to do that." Joey said, taking the rusty knife out of his pocket.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You read KAIBA'S rules. Yeah, you really shouldn't trust those. They're totally insane. If you read them closely, there are hundreds of rules like that one, so that to play pretty much any move at all, you have to stab someone. Then there are the death squads, the 'get shot for losing' rule, the 'if you play any card with the word 'the' in the title, you have to amputate a finger' rule… and none of them apply to him or Yugi. He says they're 'extreme rules', but he's probably just trying to make sure Yugi is the only one in the finals by killing everyone else. We're playing by Mokuba's revised 'sane' rulebook, where you have to give up weaker monsters to play strong ones… and, y'know, nobody dies. Honest mistake."
"Aw, I knew I shouldn't have gone with Kaiba's rules! So, can I make that move over?
"NO! I NOW PLAY MY CYBER RAIDER! GAZE IN AWE UPON MY PSYCHIC ROBOT WHO IS PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL AND MUCH LIKE ME IN THOSE RESPECTS AND HE WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN AND YOU WILL BE STRUCK BY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL!" And then, well, Espa delivered on his promise.
Joey's LP: 2500.
"Okay, time to get back on track! I play…"
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE LOOKED INTO THE FUTURE WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS AND YOUR MOVE WILL BE A FAILURE LIKE THIS LAST ONE AND YOU WILL FAIL AND BE A FOOL AND A FOOLISH FAILURE AND FALL BEFORE MY PSYCHIC POWERS!"
Joey winced, gritting his teeth. "Oh, fer the luvva God…"
Kaiba was on top of the world.
"Ohhhhh yeah! Obelisk, baby! He torments, and you can suck it!" he screamed at his latest victim. "I rock, and I do it with Obelisk and Pie! Lieutenant Mokuba, have this young man killed as soon as he turns back from a frog."
The Prozac hadn't QUITE worn off yet.
"Seto, for the last time, we are not allowed to kill anyone. I know you want your tournament to be extreme, but it's a card game. People don't die in card games. Well, not since Grandpa Kaiba took up poker, anyway."
"Oh, you are such a killjoy… Eh?" Kaiba said in confusion, as an owl swooped overhead and dropped a letter on his head. He tore it open and read:
Dear Mr. Kaiba:
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress.
Kaiba stared at this letter in silence for several seconds. "Ah. Mokuba, please look at this."
Mokuba looked at it. "Ah. Ah-ha. Well this, this is just wrong. This isn't a crossover fic. They must have the wrong address."
"Well, no problem. I'll just send a pleasant, but firm, refusal." He scribbled on the back of the letter:
Dear Professor McWhatchamacallit.
I am flattered by your letter. However, not only am I too busy to drop everything on my schedule and move to England, we live in completely separate universes with diametrically opposed views of magic and the use thereof. For instance, while magic in your universe typically involves the flick of a wand and some ridiculous phrase, magic in my universe often causes a horrible death. In addition, you have no ancient Egyptian card games… something I have based my life around. You see, it doesn't work out.
So, in conclusion: I don't want to go to your #(&# school, and it makes no sense that you would even invite me. Despite what many people seem to think, we do not really crossover terribly well.
Please, take this time to go #(&# yourself.
Yours Sincerely,
Seto Kaiba
CEO KaibaCorp. International
Mokuba sighed. "Sadly, that's about as pleasant as you get. Send it."
Kaiba attached the letter to the Owl, picked up the bird, and drop-kicked it. Screeching indignantly, the bird began to fly away with a distinctly erratic path.
In her office in Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall read Kaiba's reply.
"::SIGH::… Whose dumb idea was it to invite this jerk, anyway?"
"Probably Snape. He must have wanted someone to make him look pleasant by comparison." Professor Dumbledore said. "Still, maybe if your letters weren't as bland and unpleasant as you, he'd have come anyway."
"Old windbag."
"Bitch."
The Dark Man smiled at his final victim of the day.
It had all been so easy. Most of the other duelists hadn't even claimed a single locator card yet, and he already had all six he needed. Even better, since he hadn't lost once, Kaiba's death squads wouldn't come after him. True, Kaiba had publicly announced (With some beating from his brother) that there weren't any death squads, but the Dark Man frankly didn't trust him to keep his word. Kaiba was not a good man to put your trust in.
But none of that mattered now. Placing all six cards in the slots on his DuelDisc, the Dark Man watched the holographic map to the finals display itself. Memorizing the location, he began to walk to a nearby café.
After all, he had a few hours before he destroyed Yugi Motoh. Lunch would help kill the time.
"So, Tristan, how is Joey doing in his first duel?" Serenity asked.
"Hee, hee, hee… Puppies!" Tristan said gleefully.
"Oh, for the love of… Tristan, what website are you looking at?
"I'm checking out this website on puppies!" Tristan said simply.
"Ah. I thought so. And what site are you supposed to be looking at?"
"Ummmmmmmmmm…"
"Come on. It's not a trick question. You are here for a reason, just try to reach down through the quagmire that is your mind and remember it." Serenity coaxed.
"I… um… pie… we… oh yeah, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B!" he said proudly. Tapping into www.OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B .com, Tristan brought up Joey's duel.
Or rather, that's how it would have been in a perfect world.
"Hee, hee, hee… puppies!" Tristan said.
"Son of a…"
Joey squeezed his fists so hard that blood spurted out of his hands.
"Damn… you… I… just… want… to… play." He said, his bloodshot eyes twitching wildly. "In… three… hours… I… have… made… two… moves. I… KNOW… you… are… cheating. And… I… don't… care. As… long… as… you… shut… up… and… let… me… play… I… don't… care… what… else… you… do. Okay?" he said, very slowly and deliberately.
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SLOWLY LOSING YOUR WILL TO LIVE, AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE POWERFUL AND PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL AND…"
"STOP! Just stop. All I want is to play cards. That's all. I don't care about your psychic powers, because they aren't REAL. Sometimes, when you stop talking… for a second or two... I can hear voices coming from the microphone under your hair. I can look up and see a bunch of kids who look like you on that building right there!" Joey said, pointing to a badly hidden group of kids who looked like Espa.
"BROS! WE HAVE A CODE OMEGA! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!" Roba screamed.
"SEE?! I JUST HEARD YOU YELL AT THEM TO STOP HELPING YOU CHEAT! I HEARD YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE A CHEATER! I KNOW! I SEE YOU CHEAT, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DON'T CARE! AS LONG AS YOU SHUT THE #(&$ UP, YOU CAN CHEAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! DO YOU COMPREHEND MY WORDS?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?!"
"Dude, cool down. You don't need to shout." Roba said calmly.
"You… I… You… I… You… I DON'T NEED TO SHOUT!" Joey shouted.
"True, true. By the way, I sacrifice my monster to summon Jinzo and have him destroy your monster. Your move."
Joey was absolutely silent for several seconds. "What the Hell?" he said softly.
Rex shot up from his fetal position on the street. "I CAN HEAR!" he roared. "I CAN HEAR MYSELF THINKING AGAIN! IT'S A MIRACLE!"
"You… you… you're TALKING. Like a PERSON."
"Well, yeah. I only screamed so you wouldn't notice me cheating. It's called 'strategy'." Roba said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But since you noticed that whole 'cheating' thing, and since my most powerful monster is on the field, I decided to stop that. Hard on the throat. Besides, I'm probably going to win now anyway."
"I'm… I'm probably going to lose!" Joey said, tears of joy running down his face. "I've never been so happy in my life! I lay a monster in defense, and one card face down! Your move!" he said happily.
"Okay. I play…"
Arkana sat in his abandoned arena, twiddling his thumbs.
"Yup." He said. "Annnnnny minute now. Yugi'll come right through that door, and I'll be like 'hey, Yugi, it's time to duel' and he'll be like 'totally, let's duel' and I'll be like 'yeah, 'cause I just said so' and he'll be like 'yeah, I know that, and that's why I agreed' and then we'll duel. And there will be buzz-saws involved. And the foot locks, oh the foot locks! It'll be the absolute best duel ever! I can't wait!" he said.
His voice echoed through the big, empty, Yugi-less room.
"Yup. Annnnnnnnnny minute now."
"DAMMIT, IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE! I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT HOW MY BROTHER IS DOING!" Serenity roared.
"Hee, hee, hee… Puppies!" Tristan giggled.
"I hate you so much…"
His victory secured, Joey smiled at Espa Roba. "Great duel, little guy. And don't worry about yer brothers… they'll be just fine. You keep up yer trainin', and next time we duel fair 'n square, okay!"
Roba wiped a tear from his eye. "Okay! Here's my Jinzo, and a locator card!"
With that, Joey wandered off into the sunset. Espa watched him nobly travel on, with a kind of awe.
"A-HEM!" a voice said from behind him. Roba turned to find a very pissed off Rex.
"I believe WE have to have a chat, about you, my cards, and CHEATING?" Rex said softly and dangerously. He cracked his knuckles.
Roba gulped.
One savage beating later, Rex Raptor was back in the tournament.
"I feel lost, somehow. I don't know why. It's like… like something important is going on without me. I should be involved, but for some reason I'm here, with you two, instead of where events are proceeding without me. It's odd. Pass the ketchup, Evil Clown." Yami said.
"Here you go." Evil Clown said, handing over the ketchup.
"Thank you. These cheeseburgers don't have nearly enough of it. Now, where was I?"
"You were explaining how it's unusual that, instead of engaged in dramatic battles, you are eating McDonald's with a tomb robber and a clown." Evil Bakura said.
"Ah, yes. Well, it is unusual. But I think that, in the end, it won't really matter overmuch. In point of fact, I could probably sit here all day, and six locator cards would just fall in my lap. I am the hero, so I have to make it to the finals. If I didn't, we wouldn't have much of a story."
"Let's test that." Evil Bakura said.
"… huh?"
"Well, I slipped some poison into your food when we got here. If your theory is true, you won't die."
"… you what?"
"Slipped you poison."
"WHY?!"
"In the name of science."
"Oh God, Oh God…"
Just then, a man in a lab coat ran into the restaurant, injected Yami with an anti-toxin, and left.
"… ow." Yami said.
"Well, that was certainly different." Evil Bakura said. "This proves your theory correct! Since the plot of the story focuses on you in Battle City, the universe itself will warp reality and shift timelines in order to make sure you get to the finals! This is very possibly the most astounding discovery in recent memory! We could shoot you, throw you off a building, stab you, poison you like I just did, and you would probably always survive!"
"This… this is amazing. The ramifications of this…" the Evil Clown gasped.
"…Could totally redefine literary reality and our perception of it." Yami finished. "Gentlemen, we may have just won a Nobel Prize."
"True, true. But this wasn't very funny." Evil Bakura said.
"Indeed." The Evil Clown agreed.
"Quite." Yami said.
"For certain."
"Of course."
"Truly."
"Correct."
Just then, a monkey jumped out of the garbage and latched onto Evil Bakura's face.
"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD KILLITKILLITKILLIT…" He screamed, as the monkey kicked, bit, scratched, shrieking madly.
"Okay, that's better." Yami said.