Author's Note: Wow, that Harry Potter thing netted a big response. I should do stuff like that more often.

Chapter 13: Which Witch?

"Well," Yugi said, as he hung upside down on the giant stake and the villagers of Domino piled the wood that would be used to burn him, "This could have turned out better."

Ten minutes earlier…

Whistling cheerfully, Yugi walked down the streets of Domino. "Hi, Mrs. Caruthers!" he said to kindly old Mrs. Caruthers.

"Well, hi there Yugi! How you doin', child?"

"Oh, I'm in the Battle City Tournament!"

"Well good for you!" Mr. Caruthers said, leaning out his window to water the family tulips.

"Hi, Yugi!" Mr. McGullicuty, the town baker, said. "Would you like some delicious cinnamon rolls?"

"…Yeah, but I don't have any money."

"Oh, it's free for our very own hometown hero!" He said, handing Yugi a bakery fresh cinnamon roll.

"Wow, thanks!" Yugi said, eating the delicious cinnamon roll. "Wow, I love Domino!"

"As well you should, Yugi! It's a clean, friendly, happy community!" the friendly, plump mayor, Mayor Bob, said.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A dark voice said. From out of nowhere, the vile Arkana, the cold-hearted magician of the Rare Hunters, appeared in a cloud of smoke. "Yugi! Since you seem to have avoided falling into my trap, I have decided to hunt you down! I am ARKANA, the master of the Dark Magician! Now, Yugi, it is time for us to do battle! I will claim your card, your puzzle, and your SOUL!"

"YU-GI-OH!" Yugi shouted, glowing with otherworldly light and transforming into his alter ego. "Very well, ARKANA! We shall duel, and you shall fall as though I were smashing you with Egyptian God Cards, although I don't have any Egyptian God Cards to smash you with in the manner of the Egyptian God Cards with Egyptian God Cards and Egyptian God Cards. Egyptian God Cards!"

"… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … huh?"

"I FORGOT TO SAY IT LAST CHAPTER, OKAY!" Yami screamed. "It slipped my mind! Let's just duel, dammit!"

"Very well!" Arkana agreed, his duel disc shifting into ready mode.

"Indeed!"

"Of course!"

"Verily!"

"For certain!"

"Naturally!"

"WITCH!"

Yami paused. "Did you say that, or did I?"

"… Well, It was my turn, but I was going to say 'Prithee forsooth!' I don't know who said…" Arkana said.

"It was ME!" Mayor Bob said. "Yugi, how dare you!"

"…Huh?"

"You transmogrified yourself, you monster!" Mrs. Caruthers shrieked.

"You invoked Dark Magic!" Mr. Caruthers accused.

"… Well, yeah. That's true. I do that all the time. So?" Yami admitted.

"SO, you're a vile, disgusting WITCH!"

"… no, that part, that's not true." Yami said.

Arkana chuckled and took a bite of popcorn. "Love the floor show here." He said.

"I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS SAID THAT LITTLE MOTOH KID WAS A SATANIST!" Mr. McGullicuty.

"Whaaaaaaaaaat!"

"The way you dress! I KNEW you were a dirty, filthy Satanist!"

"No, no! Yugi dresses like this. I don't really even like it." Yami calmly informed him.

"OH, MY LORD! There's two minds in there!"

"Yes, yes! Now you're getting it!" Yami congratulated Mr. Caruthers.

"Mayor, little Yugi is possessed by Satan!" the kindly old man finished.

"No, no. You're off track again." Yami said patiently.

"OH, of course!" The mayor exclaimed. "That's why kindly little Yugi always dresses like a male whore!"

"HEY!" Yugi said, taking back over. "I'll have you know that… bondage leather… okay, you kind of have a point. But it's very stylish."

"HE TRANSMOGRIFIED HIMSELF AGAIN! OH, GOD, A VILE DEMON-WITCH-WHORE HAS INFESTED OUR LOVELY HAMLET!" Mr. Caruthers said.

"BURN HIM! BURN THE WITCH!" Mrs. Caruthers roared.

"Um… sounds good to me!" Arkana said.

"WHAT! No, I'm not a witch you lunatics!"

"You WOULD say that, WITCH!" Mayor Bob said. "But we've seen your black magic! Luckily, the Domino Legal code hasn't been updated in four hundred years, so we're still allowed to BURN FOUL WITCHES LIKE YOU!"

"Can't burn what you can't CATCH!" Yugi said, and ran for his life.

He got about five feet before kind ol' Ms. Babgan, the postwoman, clotheslined him. "Damn dirty witch!" she spat.

And so Yugi came to be in the situation we first encountered him in.

"What about him! He used evil magic!" Yugi said, motioning at Arkana with his head.

"Oh, Yugi, that was just a silly illusion! All smoke and mirrors! He's not a foul satanic witch like you, sonny!" Mr. Caruthers said jovially, tossing another piece of wood under Yugi's stake.

"Yeah, Yugi!" Arkana said cheerfully, handing Ms. Babgan another log to set under the stake. "Don't try to drag me down in your horrible Satanic witchcraft!" he then started chuckling uncontrollably. "Man, this has got to be the best thing that has ever happened!"

"Dammit, I am NOT a satanic witch! I'm not even a NON-satanic witch! I'm not a witch! My magic flows from the ancient forces of the pharaoh Yami, a great and mighty ruler from… from… well, somewhere between 3,000-5,000 years ago. And now, I hold his mighty spirit in the puzzle that hangs from my neck! And with this spirit, I hold the responsibility to protect the world from darkness and horror!" Yugi said dramatically.

"Well Yugi, that certainly is interesting." Mayor Bob admitted.

Yugi sighed in relief. "Thank God. I'm so glad you…"

"However, you have to understand that we can't possibly believe a word you say, what with you being a servant of Satan, prince of all liars and lord of evil. Hey, does anyone have any paper we can use as kindling?"

"God, I hate you guys." Yugi said.

"Odion… I've decided I need to get more 'hands on' with this whole 'cards' thing." Malik said suddenly.

"Sir, I've been telling you to do that for hours."

"Yes, a true ruler has to be willing to get his hands dirty!" Malik said, as though Odion hadn't spoken. "The only way I'm going to be getting those Egyptian God Cards, and through them my goal of ultimate power and the return of 'Drew Carey's Green Screen'…"

-Oh, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now, pal.- Yami Malik thought.

Odion grimaced. "And I thought your LAST show was bad…"

"AS I WAS SAYING. It's past time I entered Battle City, pitting my unstoppable powers against those of the other God cards, claiming them as my own! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Sir, I've already told you that you should be the one dueling instead of me. I said this to your face. I know you heard me. You may not have been LISTENING, but you heard me. You, you heard me, didn't you?" Odion asked the Millennium Rod.

-Loud and clear, big guy. But then, I'm the SMART one.- Yami Malik thought.

"… I'm talking to a golden stick. You have me talking to a stick." Odion said sadly. "I hate you, sir."

Malik looked at his watch. "About 5:30."

"… … … WOULD IT KILL YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FOR FIVE SECONDS?!"

"Hey, look! An ugly guy! Maybe he has some cards!" Malik said gleefully. He started walking toward the ugly guy.

"Sir, that's not a person. That's a swarm of insects!"

"Suuuuuuuure, Odion. You can have some ice cream in a little while." Malik said consolingly.

"Sir, LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM SAYING. THAT IS NOT A PERSON. IT IS A TIGHTLY-GROUPED SWARM OF INSECTS, PROBABLY SOME KIND OF BEE. IF YOU GO OVER THERE, WE'RE GOING TO END UP RUNNING FOR OUR LIVES. DON'T GO."

"Geez, Odion, we can't have ice cream until after dinner, you know that." Malik said.

"… DAMMIT SIR, WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN?!"

"Oh, I know! Tom Clancy IS a great author."

"… I hate you, sir," Odion sighed, as Malik went over to challenge the swarm of insects for their cards.

"Okay, does anybody have any matches?" Mayor Bob asked.

"Oh for the love of… Look, I'm asking you very politely, PLEASE DON'T BURN ME TO ASHES WITH FIRE. I'm not a witch, or a sorcerer, or a Satanist, or any combination of the three. If I were, wouldn't I escape?" Yugi pleaded.

"Oh, Yugi, please don't try to confuse us with your witch-logic. We all know that our justice and righteousness protects us from your Satanic magics. It's common sense!" Mr. McGullicuty said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"I… DON'T… HAVE… ANY… SATANIC… MAGIC!" Yugi roared. "AND NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS COMMON SENSE!"

"Hey, I found a cigarette lighter! We can use that to start the terrible fires of justice!" Mr. McGullicuty said.

:SIGH:. I guess this is where it all ends. Grandpa, I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you. Joey, I'm sorry that you got caught up in chicken mafia. Tea, I'm sorry that I never dated you…

-I'm not sorry. Made it a LOOOOOOOT easier to slam her.-

YAMI, I'm sorry I ever put together your #(&$ puzzle.

-Ooh, touchy.-

SHOVE IT. Tristan, I'm… I'm… I hope you die.

-Ditto.-

Yami, I realize we've had our differences…but it's nice to know that we'll die in agreement.

-Oh, speak for yourself. I'm going to survive as long as someone else eventually puts on the puzzle. Well, as long as they aren't powerful enough to kick out my soul. It's sort of a magic thing.-

… … … … … I really hate you sometimes.

-I don't know why you're worrying so much. Chances are, since we haven't made it to the finals yet, some mysterious twist of fate will save us right… about… NOW.-

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" a mysterious voice said, just as the lighter descended to start the fire.

-Told ya.-

And so Malik began his quest to find more cards.

The results were not quite up to par.

"How was I supposed to know that they didn't have any cards!" Malik shouted, running for his life.

"Sir, they're HORNETS!" Odion shouted, desperately trying to keep ahead of the swarm of stinging insects. "How on EARTH could a SWARM OF HORNETS possibly have any CARDS!"

"From a distance they looked like a very ugly guy!"

"Even so, you didn't have to hit them with a stick!"

"They were being rude!"

"The hell!"

"They wouldn't answer any of my questions!"

"They're freakin' bugs!"

"Even so, they should be polite! OW! RUN FASTER, THEY'RE STARTING TO CATCH UP!"

"WHAT," Bakura said, "ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?!"

"Oh, we're burning this witch." Mr. Caruthers said. "Would you like to help?"

"That's not a witch, that's my friend Yugi!"

"Oh, you poor thing!" Mrs. Caruthers said. "You had no idea that little Yugi was actually Satan's own messenger!"

Bakura raised an eyebrow and turned to stare at Yugi.

Yugi sighed. "They saw me turn into Yami, and they took it very, very poorly. Would you mind getting me down from here, before they burn me and whatnot?"

"I'll see what I can do. PEOPLE OF DOMINO! Gaze upon me, and attain grand knowledge! KNOW that the young lad before you is not a messenger of darkness, but rather the savior of the world entire! Listen now, to my tale!" at this point, Bakura dropped his accent and descended his voice into a register so low it would make your teeth rattle. "Long ago, when the pyramids were still young…"

ONE STORY LATER…

"… and so you see, YUGI is that Pharaoh! Heck, even if he weren't, the whole multiple personality thing doesn't make him a WITCH. Why, even I can do that!" Bakura said, turning into his dark side and back. "See? Yugi is no more a witch than I am!"

Mayor Bob looked awed. "Why… that means… THEY'RE BOTH WITCHES!"

"BURN THE WITCHES!" Everyone else shouted.

"No, no I don't think you quite get it…" Bakura said patiently. "Let me explain again."

Five minutes later…

"Oh, BRILLIANT plan, Einstein," Yugi said to Bakura, who was now roped to the stake with him. "Because obviously, REASON was going to work on people who were BURNING ME AT THE FREAKIN' STAKE!"

"WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THE BLOODY DARK AGES!" Bakura roared as the locals piled on extra wood to make sure the fire was big enough for two.

"Alright, Odion. I'm willing to admit that, perhaps, my first attempt at card claiming was not perfect." Malik said.

"You HIT a hornet nest with a STICK, sir. It couldn't have been LESS perfect."

"Hey, I'm still practicing. Until now, you've been doing all the work… I need to get warmed up! And the only way to do that is keep on truckin'! Onto the next target!" Malik proclaimed grandiosely. He then ran out to the street, grabbed an old woman, and started shaking her. "DO YOU HAVE ANY CARDS?!" He screamed repeatedly.

"Oh, sweet Ra…" Odion said.

-It's times like these that make me happy I'm trapped in a stick.- Yami Malik thought.

"No, no! Don't scream! I need your cards to get Firefly put back on the air!"

-Huh. You know, I actually kinda liked that one.-

Ten minutes later…

"I can't believe lady Isis had to bail us out of jail twice in one week." Odion grumbled.

"How was I supposed to know that hitting an old lady with a metal club was against the law?" Malik asked.

"It's called 'common sense', sir."

"I don't understand the bright, scary laws of the outside world. I was raised in a very sheltered environment!"

"Sir, that excuse might have worked when you were THREE. Now, however… not so much."

"In the darkness of the Tomb Keeper clan, I was cut off from the outside world and all the things I truly wanted! I desired nothing less than a bright life filled with happiness and joy, yet all I received was shadows and despair!"

"Oh, not this again…" Odion groaned. "Sir, the last time you started on one of these whining tangents, you didn't stop for three hours. Let's just cut to the chase. You had a crappy childhood. LIVE WITH IT. You wanna conquer the world? I don't have a problem with that, as long as you do it without whining like a little four year old who just lost his favorite toy. So let's get up, dust ourselves off, and get you those cards!" Odion said.

"Wow… thanks, man! I feel… I feel great! This incredible confidence is just surging through me! This is the best thing that has ever happened! Nothing will be derailing me this time… no, from now on, Malik is cool, confident, and collected! It's only a matter of time now, until I get everything I ever wanted! And NOTHING will stop me!"

"WITCH!" Someone shouted.

"Huh?" Malik asked.

Harley the Street Mime pointed at Malik and screamed "He's got a golden item emblazoned with the evil eye of Satan, just like the other two! Take him to the town square for the burning!"

"… … … … … … … … Huh?" Malik asked again.

Five Minutes Later…

"SON OF A BITCH!" Malik shouted, strapped to the stake with Yugi and Bakura.

"Oh, Hi, Malik. How've you been?" Yugi asked.

"We've been better, ourselves." Bakura said, rather unnecessarily.

"Hey, Odion! How've you been?" Arkana asked.

"… … … … I've spent the last several weeks running from the law in seedy hotels with Malik. How do you think I've been?" Odion asked, grabbing a handful from the other man's popcorn tub.

"OUCH. But hey, I've had to put up with our replacement boss. She's… well… I kinda miss the little psycho. At least he TRIED, y'know?"

"So, are we going to do anything? Save those guys from being burned?"

"Wasn't planning on it personally." Arkana admitted.

"I really SHOULD, but… it just seems like a lot of work." Odion said in reply.

"SO MUCH FOR EMPLOYEE LOYALTY!" Malik shouted, as the good people of Domino prepared, for the third time, to burn the witches.

"So… um… anyone have any ideas?" Yugi asked slowly.

"What I want to know is, where is our closely knit support unit of friends and family?"

Meanwhile, in the park…

"Yay, Joey!" Tea cheered, as Joey launched his final attack against Weevil.

"I have to admit, Joseph, you've grown into a great duelist!" Grandpa said, a glimmer of pride in his eye.

"Allllll right!" Joey screamed. "Man, I'm rockin' this tournament! I wonder how Yugi's doin'?"

"Who's Yugi?" Tea asked.

Meanwhile, in the Hospital…

"Dammit Tristan, could you stop looking at puppy websites for FIVE SECONDS!" Serenity shrieked.

"Hee, hee… Puppies!"

Meanwhile, in a local bar…

"So I said to myself, I said… 'Mai, you're totally fired'. And then, Steve…"

"Mokuba." Mokuba corrected, for what seemed like the fiftieth time in ten minutes.

"… I said, 'that Mai is STEALIN' stuff! We need to fire her ass!' And then I DID! God, I love being businesslike, don't you, Mai?" Kaiba said, polishing off his fifteenth shot of whiskey. His fifteenth shot in the past ten minutes.

"Oooooh, that businesslike attitude is just CooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooool!" Mai said, swaying lightly back and forth. Four bottles of an unknown substance that smelled like paint thinner were emptied before her.

"Man, I hate being the designated driver…" Mokuba grumbled.

"Oh, Steve, you're such a character!" Kaiba chuckled. "Oops, inner Yugi's acting up again!" He took out a needle of Prozac, hesitated, and threw it away. "Aw, screw it! Have a drink, Inner Yugi!"

((Don't mind if I do!)) Inner Yugi said, taking a shot of vodka. ((Oh, and have I mentioned recently that your face looks like you were mauled by a pack of screaming velociraptors?))

"Oh, that Inner Yugi." Kaiba chuckled. "Sometimes, he can be so funny that I forget why blue is who the wind kicks my Francis. Did you get all that, Steve?"

"Dammit, Seto…"

"I love roast beef!" Mai proclaimed suddenly, and passed out.

Back at the Burning Stake…

"Man, our close-knit unit SUCKS." Malik said, looking on as Odion and Arkana got shared their popcorn with the burning mob.

"I do have to admit, I was really hoping for a more concerted rescue effort." Yugi said.

"I was hoping for ANY rescue effort!" Bakura moaned. "I can't believe that NOBODY is going to help us here!"

"Hey… um… I just had a thought." Malik said softly.

"What?"

"… It's going to sound really, really bad. When I tell you this, you're both going to feel like complete morons."

"What is it?" Bakura asked again.

"No, I mean it. You'll both get really angry, and you'll feel like total idiots for a long time."

"What IS it!" Yugi demanded.

"Okay, okay… why don't we–­­and this is just a thought, mind you–use our horrible powers of destruction… to maybe escape?" Malik said simply.

There was absolute, total silence for several seconds.

"God, we are such MORONS." Yugi moaned.

"I… don't know. These people are misguided, certainly, but do we have any right to just destrALL RIGHT! BLOOD AND GUTS!" Evil Bakura roared, taking over in mid-speech. The ropes binding them burned away, and he began to hurl horrible bolts of dark energy into the screaming, frightened crowd.

Malik shrugged. "When in Rome, do as the maniacs do." he said, then he picked up his Rod and joined in the energy beaming.

Yugi just stood there, watching as beautiful uptown Domino burned down and two white-haired lunatics hurled blazing death at the would-be witch burners. "Well… well… this isn't going to help my reputation." Then the puzzle glowed, and Yami emerged. "Unleeeeeeeeeess, we don't leave any witnesses!" the Pharaoh said, joining in.

YAMI! WHAT THE HELL!

-Hey, I've got a rep to protect! If people find out I vaporized a crowd, then there goes our good name! The only way out is to make sure that nobody gets away to talk about it!-

Okay, that's Bakura-logic right there.

-WHEN IN ROME, BABY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!-

… … … I think too much blood got to our brain when we were hanging on that stake. Yugi thought.

"LET ALL WHO OPPOSE ME TREMBLE IN FEAR!" Evil Bakura roared.