Chapter 14: Quests of intermediate importance!
Yami looked around the pile of former witch-burners. "Well, that didn't turn out too badly. Oh, it didn't turn out GREAT, but it didn't turn out that badly."
Yami, you murdered a crowd!
-No, I murdered one-third of a crowd. Get it right, okay?-
"Oh, that was SO cathartic." Evil Bakura sighed. "It's been… almost a week since I slaughtered fools! I was starting to forget how much fun it is!"
"Odion. Arkana." Malik said dangerously. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! Why didn't you save me! What kind of servants ARE you!"
"Actually, I don't work for you anymore." Arkana pointed out.
"Point taken. ODION?"
"Sir, I could tell you why I didn't get you off that stake. I could give you a long, detailed explanation on the subject, explaining several intelligent and irrefutable reasons for my actions. But let's be frank: you're not going to listen to me, no matter what I say. So I'll just say 'pickle', and leave it at that."
"No, I don't really like sauerkraut. I'll just have ketchup on my hot dog."
"… … … … … … … … … … … why do I even bother?"
"So. Arkana. Before we were so rudely interrupted…" Yami said hopefully.
Arkana shrugged and threw Yami a locator card. "Aw, just take it. It occurred to me that if I won, it would benefit my new boss. And GOD, do I hate her."
Tears filled Yami's eyes. "But… I… we… you… card… WE WERE GONNA DUEL!" He protested.
"Meh. Anyone hungry?"
"Oh, can we have pie?" Malik asked joyfully.
"I… I… I… I…I…I…I… I already ate lunch." Yami sighed.
"Well, there's always room for pie! Particularly after murder!" Evil Bakura said cheerfully. Then a monkey leapt off a nearby building onto his head.
"OH MY GOD IT HAS MY HAIR!" He screamed.
"… … … … … … … you know, sometimes I wonder where that monkey came from." Yami said thoughtfully.
"So I was thinkin' Tea… that's YOU, by the way…" Joey began.
"OH! MY NAME IS TEA! HOW WONDERFUL!"
"That maybe, I oughta take a few minutes off to go say 'hi' ta Serenity. Y'know, touch base? I got four cards already, and who knows what could set her off? It's probably a good idea to just check in wit' her every now an' again. ESPECIALLY wit' Tristan there…"
"Joey, Tristan is a decent, honorable boy. He would NEVER do anything inappropriate to your darling little sister!" Grandpa Motoh chided.
"I wasn't worried about HER. I was worried he did somethin' stupid, and SHE was gonna hurt HIM."
"Oh. Well, in that case, he's probably dead by now."
Meanwhile, at the Hospital…
Serenity stood over Tristan, her bedsheet wrapped around his neck in a makeshift noose. Several doctors and nurses desperately tried to wrestle her off him.
"HOW DO THOSE PUPPIES LOOK NOW, YOU LITTLE #(&$!" She screamed.
"GACK!" Tristan said.
Back at Joey….
"On da other hand… I told him not to go there, so if he dies it's really his own problem. Not ta mention he's the one who built that freakin' robot that shot me in the eyes wit' alcohol. So, it's time to kick this back inta high gear! On, ta the finals! Let's go find daddy some cards! C'mon, Tea!" Joey proclaimed.
Silence.
"… … :SIGH:. YOU!" He shouted, pointing at Tea.
"OH! My name is TEA!"
"I… feel… like… cow." Kaiba said, groggily.
"GEEZ!" Mokuba said, startled. "How'd you wake up so fast! You drunk enough to put you out for a week!"
"Oh… ow… Mokuba, you and I both know that my tolerance to alcohol far outstrips a normal human's. Why, it's only been an hour and I'm already at 'hangover'. Soon I'll be… ah… all better!" Kaiba said cheerily. "Where's ex-vice-president Mai?"
"Oh, she already had enough locator cards, so I just called a chopper to airlift her to the finals. Maybe she'll have woken up by then, but most likely, we'll just have to pay some guy to dress up in whore-wear and call himself 'Mai'."
"… Should I be worried that your first solution is to hire a drag queen?"
"Should I be worried that you set this entire tournament up to commit homicide?" Mokuba countered.
"What's wrong with homicide? It's always been a perfectly acceptable way to solve my problems."
"Seto, murder isn't ACCEPTABLE!"
"Nobody has ever complained before."
"… … … …that's because you've never been caught."
"And your point?"
"It's totally impossible to reason with you, isn't it?"
"It is when you don't make any sense! I mean, honestly. 'Murder is bad'? Since when?"
"Seto, when are you going to recognize that just because Grandpa Kaiba told you something, doesn't mean it's true?"
"But Grandpa Kaiba taught me so many necessary skills! Lying, cheating, stealing, how to depose father… man, he was a great old guy. Makes me feel bad that I had to have him framed for something I did and shipped to Siberian prison camp by the Russian Secret Service…"
"Y'know, Seto, every time I think that one of the other various psychos in our lives is the biggest, most unimaginable bastard I've ever met… you go and open your mouth, and prove me totally wrong." Mokuba said appreciatively.
"Why, thank you!" Seto said cheerfully.
-Don't listen to him. You're the WORST villain of all time! Even Pegasus is better than you! AND you're ugly!- Inner Yugi said.
Oh, crap. You're back?
-Yup! I was really, really drunk, but then I remembered 'Hey, I can't get drunk! I'm not real!' Have I told you lately how much I love loud, annoying polka music?- Inner Yugi said gleefully, turning up an imaginary stereo that began blaring imaginary polka into Kaiba's brain.
God, I hate you so very, very much…
-I know! But what are you going to do about it?-
I'm gonna jack myself up with… with…NO!
"MOKUBA! WHERE THE HELL IS MY PROZAC!"
"Alright… I admit it. I took the last of it. I just… I just couldn't stand your drunken ranting anymore! I'm sorry, I just didn't want to be trapped alone in a room with an intoxicated you, and no way of blocking out what I like to call the 'idiot waves' you emanate when you have too much alcohol in your system. So I took the Prozac, so I wouldn't have to listen to you JABBER anymore!" Mokuba burst.
"Mokuba… no… how could you! Out of everyone, I never imagined you would be the one to betray me like… like… no. You didn't know. It's not your fault. But this situation MUST be rectified, and you have to help me do it! I can't trust KaibaCorp. with a task this important… knowing the average level of intelligence at my company, I'd end up injecting myself with a syringe of bleach. No, only we, of pure Kaiba blood…"
"Seto, I, at least, am adopted. And judging by the convoluted nature of your life story, the fact that Gozaburo liked his whiskey, and your own admission that KaibaCorp. employees tend to be of somewhat limited competence, chances are YOU are adopted too, no matter what you say."
"No, no. I happen to know for certain that I was just abandoned at birth and then re-adopted! You should consider yourself lucky that I decided to bring you with me!"
"… … … … Seto, if you really find THAT more comforting than being adopted, I have to worry about you. Besides, my POINT is that chances are, Gozaburo re-adopted the wrong kid! There's probably a real little Kaiba out there who got left at the orphanage."
-HA! Your whole life has been a stinking lie!- Inner Yugi crowed.
"Oh, whatever. Now, as I was saying, WE, who are least possibly a little bit Kaiba by virtue of the fact that all humans are descended from the same original genetic stock, must embark upon a great quest! THE QUEST FOR MORE PROZAC!"
"Oh, la dee da. Don't you have a tournament?"
"Mokuba, I'm the guy who PRINTS the cards you need to win. I could get into the finals if I spent a week stabbing myself in the foot with a fork. Now, ONWARD TO ADVENTURE, LIEUTENANT MOKUBA!"
"But…"
"ONWARD!"
"BUT…"
"NOW, LIEUTENANT!"
"Dammit, Seto…"
"AHEM!"
"Oh, for the love of… Dammit, GENERAL Seto."
"That's better. Keep this up, and a promotion might be in the works!" Seto said, wandering off in a seemingly random direction.
Mokuba stood there, watching his big brother walk off into the distance. Then he pulled a cell phone out of his pocket, dialed a number, and said into the receiver, "Hello, Mary? Yeah, could you go into Seto's desk, grab his spare credit cards, and buy about a million shares of stock in… … y'know, use your own discretion. Just try to pick a company that has 'idiot' in its name, if you could. Thanks, hun. See ya for lunch next week! Ciao!" Mokuba hung up, smirked wickedly, and set off after Kaiba.
In the Domino Aquarium, Mako Tsunami gleefully swam with the gentle whales, playing with them as they cavorted to and fro. The aquarium keeper walked into the tank, smiling gently… and then turned white as a sheet.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT! THOSE ARE THE MAN-EATING JAMAICAN DEVIL SHARKS!" She roared.
"… … What?" Mako asked, voice wavering.
"YOU HEARD ME! THEY'RE JAMAICAN DEVIL SHARKS! THEY ATTRACT HUMANS BY ACTING LIKE FRIENDLY WHALES, THEN RIP THEM TO SHREDS WITH THEIR POWERFUL JAWS!"
"… … … … … … … … … … … … Oh."
The two 'whales' turned to Mako and opened their mouths to reveal rows upon rows of razor teeth.
Ten minutes, a good deal of thrashing and screaming, and about two-hundred stitches later…
"You know, you really should have a sign up that says 'Don't swim with these whales, they're actually man-eating sharks'." Mako said sullenly.
"Actually, the sign that says 'Don't swim in the specimen tanks' is sort of a catch-all for these situations." The keeper said. "At least, it is for people who aren't STUPID." She then coughed a little bit.
"Oh, my God! You're deathly ill!"
"Oh, it's really just a bit of a cold…"
"You could be DYING! You shouldn't be out here!"
"No, really, it's noth-"
"Say no more! I can take care of these fish for you, you get some rest!"
"But YOU'RE the one who was almost eaten by a shark!"
"Not a problem, not a problem, it's what I live for!" Mako said cheerily, ignoring her completely.
"But… you… I… we…"
Mako looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then hit her in the head. She fell to the ground unconscious. "Oh no! She's fainted! I'll just have to run the aquarium for the day! Darn."
The Ballad of The Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part The First: In Which the Quest Begins)
Oh, bravely did the Kaibas,
Set out across the land!
Prozac lay before them,
With danger hand-in-hand!
First they came upon a bridge
And faced a fearsome knight!
He declared they would not pass
And struck with vicious might!
But Seto was too clever,
He dodged and danced away!
And then he drew his mighty sword
The villain he did slay!
Next they found a tower,
A wizard lay within!
He cast his evil spells upon them,
It seemed they could not win.
But the Kaibas they were mighty
And struck back at the knave!
And thanks to Mokuba's magic staff
Their own lives they did save!
Kaiba! Kai, kai, Kaiba!
"Mako! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Joey roared, sprinting into the aquarium where the Sea Master was putting on a show with the resident whales.
"NOOOO! WHEELER, NOT SO CLOSE TO THAT TANK!" Mako screamed.
"What, whOH MY GOD!" Joey screamed as the clever Jamaican devil shark latched onto his leg and dragged him into the water.
"Crap." Mako said.
Yugi felt a deathly chill down his spine.
-Yugi! I feel a dark presence!- Yami said urgently.
I know, Yami. It must be another Rare Hunter! Bracing for battle, the young boy and the Pharaoh prepared themselves for whatever horror the forces of darkness choose to send their way.
Materializing, seemingly from Shadow, arose the dark and mysterious Strings, a vicious servant of evil. Though he himself never spoke, he served as a powerful vessel for his dark, evil Master.
"So, villain, you've elected to show yourself! Well, know that we shall not be easy prey, Hunter! Prepare to face utter defeat!" Yami taunted.
Strings didn't say or do anything.
"Um… hello? Pre-duel banter? We're mocking and threatening each other here!"
Strings didn't say or do anything.
"… … … … … Right. No Marik. You don't have an evil master telling you what to do, huh?"
Strings didn't say or do anything.
"Sooooo… you're not going to duel me, are you?"
Strings didn't say or do anything.
"I'm just gonna take your Egyptian God Card… Egyptian God Card… Egyptian God Card… and your locator, and leave, okay?"
Strings didn't say or do anything.
"Yeah, that's about what I thought." Yami said sadly, taking the cards and walking away. "Bye."
Strings didn't say or do anything.
The Ballad of The Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part The Second: In Which the Evil Emerges)
Their quest was just beginning,
Much peril lay ahead!
They fought the trolls of evil,
And slew the bears of dread!
But their quest was closely watched,
By evils dark and true!
The horrid Dragon of Darkness
To eat them both he flew!
Sir Seto swung his mighty blade,
Mokuba cast his spells!
But the Dragon's fire,
Burned hotter than the hells!
Mokuba was consumed with fear,
His first thought was to run,
But Seto caught his brother's sleeve,
Said 'our quest will soon be done!'
'The dragon has the Prozac!
The treasure that we seek!
But we shall never claim it,
If cowardly and weak!'
'We must stand strong, and face all odds,
The dragon we must slay!
We shall strike this evil down,
Win Prozac and the day!'
Kaiba, Kai, Kai, Kaiba!
"So I was saying to Kaiba… I was sayin'… I was sayin'… YOU SUCK!" Yami blurted out, then started laughing. "Wait, wait, wait, that's not how I said it. But I said it SO COOL! Bartender, another round!"
"WHOO HOO!" Mai shouted, jumping on the table and starting to do the Can-Can. After being airlifted to the finals, Mai had sobered up enough to realize she wasn't finished drinking, and wandered back to the bar.
"YEAH! FREE SHOW! Screw duelin', I'm starting to like these free victories!" Yami said raucously. "BARTENDER! A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Put it on the tab of the guy with the Kick-ASS egypchon… egyptican… CARD!"
Then he passed out.
Great. He gets drunk, and I'm the one who's gonna be stuck with a hangover in the morning. Yugi thought bitterly.
Nori Kashimata, cutting-edge lawyer, slammed down her briefcase. "Your honor, my client was brutally mauled by a vicious Jamaican Devil Shark, while under the supervision of the defendant. Multiple witnesses attest to the fact this young man," she motioned to Mako, in the defendant's box "Failed to provide adequate security measures in the aquarium, in fact assaulting the director in order to usurp her position for entertainment! Your honor, I find this to be an open and shut case."
The judge frowned thoughtfully. "Well, ordinarily, I would require something more than your opening argument. But since the plaintiff is suing for some stupid cards, and the defendant has, for some reason, chosen a sea bass to be his lawyer… I'm just going to find in favor of Mr. Wheeler."
"AWRIGHT!" Joey, wrapped in bandages and casts, cheered. "Two locator cards, and all it took was nearly losing my leg!"
Mako turned to his sea bass lawyer. "Fat lot of good you were!"
"Mr. Tsunami, that fish is dead. You've taken it out of the water." The judge said.
"Well, of course. Why would I have a LIVE fish for my lawyer? That would be crazy."
"… … … have you ever been told that you're a horrifying young man?"
The Ballad of the Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part the Third: In which the Evil is vanquished, and the Prozac recovered.)
Oh Kaiba swung his mighty blade,
Mokuba his magic flung!
And though the dragon was horrific
"Would you stop this stupidity already?" Mokuba roared at the author.
But… but… Kaiba was just about to save the princess from the evil dragon!
"Princess? There was no Princess! We were after Prozac! And I'm not a wizard!"
Sure you are! And you were just about to save the space aliens!
"I thought we were trying to save the princess?"
Dude, there IS no princess. The Aliens are being kept prisoner by the horrible Dreadlord of Zabrok X, and–
"Even you have no idea where this is going, do you?"
Sure I do! It's gonna culminate in a fantastic three-way battle between Mokaiba (The Superpowerful fused version of Kaiba and Mokuba), the Dragon, who's actually the reincarnated spirit of an evil Emperor, and the Horrible Dreadlord! This battle will be EPIC. And it will take place in SPACE. And…
"Stop. Just… just stop. You're an idiot. And that song? Sucked."
But… but… but… but… but… but… but… but… but…
"Just tell the people what really happened."
Sigh… alright.
The Ballad of the Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (What actually happened).
Kaiba broke into a drugstore, found some Prozac, and injected himself with it until he passed out in the street. He then had some weird seizures from O.D'ing. Fortunately, his ridiculous tolerance to foreign chemicals prevented any serious brain damage.
Happy now, ya little twerp?
"Very." Mokuba said cheerfully.
In a dark and horrible castle on the edges of time and space, a malevolent evil presence listened to the report of his greatest lieutenant, the horrific demon T'R'as'trax.
"IS THIS TRUE?" The evil creature inquired.
"It is indeed, my dread lord. My dark spies have confirmed it. The great Warrior Queen, legendary hero of time and space, chosen ultimate master of the Millenium Star, Alicia Perfectia, has been slain!" T'R'as'trax hissed wickedly.
"FANTASTIC! NOW THAT MY ONLY TRUE RIVAL FOR POWER HAS BEEN KILLED, I SHALL CONQUER THE MORTAL REALM AND TRANSFORM EARTH INTO NOTHING MORE THAN AN EXTENSION OF MY DARK, HIDEOUS DIMENSION OF TORMENT! FOR WITHOUT ALICIA PERFECTIA, THERE IS NO POWER THAT CAN STAND AGAINST ME, THE HORRIFIC DARK LORD ZOD!
"PREPARE MY LEGIONS FOR BATTLE, MY SERVANT. FOR SOON, WE STRIKE!"