Chapter 16: The Perils of Bargain-Bin mind control
"Okay, Lumis. You probably don't want to die, and that's good. I, on the other hand, DO want to kill you. So you should probably tell me where my little brother happens to be." Kaiba said.
"You're finally off that magic monkey kick?"
"My Prozac wore off. That happens when you're in a duel for an ENTIRE FREAKIN' DAY. Consequently, I'm also in a pretty horrible mood. Now do you talk, or do I just blow you away?"
"All right, all right. Truthfully? Our budget has been cut back so much we couldn't afford any chains or things to keep your brother tied up. We just let him go. I think he said something about going to Dairy Queen."
Meanwhile, at Dairy Queen, Mokuba used a coupon to get a free Blizzard™ Frozen Treat, then sat down and began to eat with Bakura.
"So… so… you're saying that I could've just gone home and ignored you?" Kaiba asked Lumis.
"Yup."
"That you managed to waste my entire day, for no good reason?"
"Pretty much."
"And you think that, knowing this, I'm NOT going to kill you?"
"I was kind of hoping." Lumis said nervously.
Kaiba leveled his gun.
"WAIT, WAIT! We do have more hostages! Wheeler, and that Tea girl… maybe."
"… Maybe?" Yugi asked.
"Well, she wasn't really sure she WAS Tea, for one thing. And secondly, we also didn't have anything to tie HER up, we could only afford enough for Joey. Last time I saw her, she was sitting quietly in the corner because we asked her nicely. She might have moved, I don't know. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she?"
"Not ANYMORE." Yugi said coldly.
-It was an honest mistake!- Yami protested.
"Well, whatever. Just tell me where my friends are. I should at least TRY to save them, I guess."
"Oh, they're at the docks. I'm pretty sure our evil master was going to try to brainwash them. That's uh… that's going to be pretty hard, considering Lord Malik took the Millennium Rod with him when he left. Is that all, or you want to know anything else?"
"Not really. Out of curiosity, should you have really told me all this?"
"Probably not. But I chose to do so out my intense desire not to die, and the fact the Rare Hunters are no longer an organization I want to be associated with. Honestly, the Queen has really just taken the group and neutered it. Mandatory cartoons, no more all-you-can-drink free coffee at breakfast, took the Frogger machine out of the rec room… oh, and the spontaneous execution of anyone who commits the tiniest infraction on her crazy rules."
"… but when Rare Hunter failed in her bidding, she only had him kicked in the shins! She completely ignored it was Arkana and Strings didn't even TRY to beat me!" Yugi protested. "Why didn't she kill any of them?"
"She has a very ODD idea of what's a death-worthy offense. 'It's one thing to fail me miserably, it's another to spill cereal on the floor'. She's… she's not a very good boss."
"It shows. Really."
"So. Yugi. As scintillating as this as been, do you want to get out of here and rescue your friends? And then I'll mock them, of course, but that goes without saying. I mean, I mock them all the time."
-Yeah, like YOU have any right to mock THEM! After all, the way you look, the way you talk like a duck, the way you smell like a dead fish on steroids… with a duck. I'm just saying, you don't have a whole lot to be proud of.- Inner Yugi said, smirking in that sadistic Inner Yugi way he had. Or, y'know, WOULD have had if he'd had a face.
Kaiba, in response, swatted Yugi in the head.
"OW! What was that for?"
"I'm taking my frustration out on the Yugi I can see, bitch."
"… Ah. And when, pray tell, did this latest breakdown occur? I just want to know how long I can expect until you snap back to reality."
"Well, judging by my previous breakdowns? I'm gonna say I should be fine in a few days."
-You know what your big problem is? You suck.- Inner Yugi said.
Kaiba winced. "On the other hand, this one is pretty persistent. So, you want a helicopter ride to the docks?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Yugi asked suspiciously.
"Honestly? I just want to see what captivity has done to Wheeler. I'm hoping the Rare Hunters did some really weird, humiliating stuff to him. I hope he's scarred for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally… and I'll be the very first to mock him about it," Kaiba said cheerfully. "God, I am SUCH an evil bastard."
-Bakura, we have a major problem.- Evil Bakura thought solemnly.
Ice cream is a problem? Bakura thought, looking inward from his hot fudge sundae.
-Well, in the sense that we SHOULD be engaging in horrendous evil, and we AREN'T, yes. But that's only a part of the problem. My point is, we haven't really done too much this story. We haven't engaged in any serious acts of terror and pain against those undeserving of our wrath! We haven't had any FUN!-
You murdered thirty people!
-Yeah, in… YUCK… 'self-defense'. We had to do it to preserve ourselves. That just kills the entertainment factor.-
But it also kills… thirty people! You've already done MORE than enough evil for one lifetime.
-Ah, but I have 5,000 years worth of lifetimes that I spent locked in a ring. I have to do some serious evil to make up for those!-
Oh, c'mon! Can't we just finish this sundae and play cards?
-Okay, first of all, yuck. That food is COLD. That's not right.-
Yami, for the last time, I accept that you didn't have refrigeration, and you lived in a desert, and as far as you're concerned ice cream rates just below cyanide on things to eat. Now YOU please accept that your opinions don't really matter to me.
-Now, second and more important, you are a complete loser. That means that what you want to do? Not really too important. I am GOING to take over your body, and I am GOING to start on some really nasty evil. Now get in that ring where you belong!- With that, Evil Bakura shoved his soulmate unceremoniously down into their soul room, and walked off to perform some serious evil.
He got about three feet out the door of the café before his shoelace came untied, causing him to trip and fall into a young woman. Now, it was impossible to know exactly what was going through this woman's brain, but judging that a strange man had just lunged at her from out of nowhere, it seemed safe to assume she thought she was being mugged. This assumption was proven correct a few seconds later, as she reached into her purse, removed a black box, pressed it firmly against Evil Bakura's stomach… and tasered the Hell out of him for a solid three minutes.
She ran off, screaming about the horrible attack on her person, the indignity, the attempted rape, and the bloody murder, leaving Evil Bakura in a smoldering heap on the pavement.
It was about then that the monkey found him.
Back at evil anonymous, the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction sipped her evil cocoa thoughtfully and looked at a perfectly uncursed Yami in her Evil Scrying Jelly Roll. (Her Evil Scrying Mirror, along with all her other evil paraphernalia, had been confiscated when her counselor had discovered her trying to curse Yami in her room after Arts & Crafts time. The jelly roll was the best she could manage on short notice; it was cloudy and made all the pictures in it look like apple-cinnamon, but it worked.) "It's too bad, I suppose, but there's no getting around it. My 'Shoe Monkey' curse definitely hit someone else. Oh well, it can't be TOO bad. It wasn't much of a curse. I mean, shoes untying and a monkey following you around? Not bad at ALL."
"OH GOD THE MONKEY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" Evil Bakura screamed, trying to wrestle off the shrieking primate.
Yugi and Kaiba walked into the docks, and looked around for some sign of Joey and Tea. Kaiba kept muttering under his breath, practicing various mockeries for when he saw Joey to see which one was best. Yugi was on his guard, walking silently and searching everywhere for a hidden attack from the shadows.
Turns out he shouldn't have bothered.
"HI YUGI! HI! WELCOME TO OUR AMBUSH!" Tea shouted cheerfully.
"Oh, for the love of… Tea, that was a very bad stealth attack." The robed woman behind Tea said exasperatedly.
"Hi, Tea. I take it you've been brainwashed?" Yugi asked her.
"Nope! My new friend here," she said, pointing at the Queen, "Asked me to help kill you both! And friends always help friends kill other friends!"
"… Okay, even I think that's an odd definition for friendship." Kaiba said.
"I have odd thoughts!"
"Clearly."
"Ahhhhh, Yugi. It's SO good to see you again, my old friend…" the Queen chuckled. "But then, you probably don't recognize-"
"You're Rebecca Hawkins, wearing a pair of very tall shoes to disguise your height."
"WHAT? How the hell did– no. No, that's wrong. It's totally wrong."
"I recognize your voice, now that it's not disguised over a breaking-up walkie talkie. It's kinda hard to forget, with the screeching and all."
"I do NOT scre- I mean, you're completely wrong."
"No, I'm not."
"Oh, I'm not Rebecca, and this is the 'I'm not Rebecca' SOOOOOOOOOONG…" the Queen sang.
"I RECOGNIZE your VOICE, you IDIOT." Yugi said exasperatedly.
"No you don't!" the Queen said, disguising her voice.
"All right, all right, have it your way. We'll keep up your little game. But the readers have already figured out it's you,"
"Even I know it's you, and we've never met!" Kaiba pointed out.
"I don't know what you mean, Yugi. No game here. Tra la la la, not Rebecca…"
":SIGH:. Okay, sure. Let's just get this show on the road. Now, just judging by how bad you've been at evil in the past, I can only assume you've failed to mind-control Joey?"
"HA! You'd be wrong, Yugi! Come on out, my mind slave!' The 'Queen' called to a nearby warehouse. Nothing happened for almost a minute. Then she sighed and said, "Pikachu, I choose you!"
"Pika pika!" Joey screamed, running out the door. "I love pokemons! Yeah!"
"You must be joking." Yugi groaned.
Kaiba, for his part, was laughing the laugh of the truly happy, a laugh that many never get to experience. It was the laugh of someone for whom all was right in the world, someone who has just had their purpose in life confirmed. Few people get to laugh like that in their lifetimes. "God Wheeler, you SUCK!" he said, then kept right on laughing.
"Pika pika pika pika pika!" Joey shouted, running around in circles.
"… Admittedly, my mind control tactic may have been flawed. But it got the job done; Joey is my mind slave. And soon, I shall use him to destroy you and claim your God card and sarcophagus!"
"Oh, you have one of those too?"
"… not at the MOMENT, I'm having UPS ship it to me. But yeah. When it gets here, all five will be in the same city, one each in the hands of you, Kaiba, Bakura, Malik, and me! And once they are united…"
"Everything will be exactly the way it was, right? You're after something totally worthless, aren't you? Those big stone coffins are a fancy wrapper for something completely meaningless. I'm just guessing, based on what I know of you so far." Kaiba said.
Silence.
"… That… that's one way of looking at it. Maybe. But it might also be really cool, that's another way of looking at it!"
"Possible. But I wouldn't bet on it." Kaiba replied.
"Y'know, maybe we'd all be happier if you shut the $#(& up, you ever think about that?"
"Maybe. I'll make you a deal. When you open your coffins and out comes something that's way cooler than my $100 billion corporation, THEN I'll shut up. Until then, I'm just going to mock the hell out of you."
"Well, you won't be mocking me when mind-slave Joey destroys you both and claims your God cards!"
"Why yes, Jigglypuff, I do love your delightful puffy song!" Joey said to thin air.
"… Actually, I'm still going to be mocking you then, too." Kaiba informed her.
"Just out of curiosity, exactly what DID you do to Joey?" Yugi inquired.
"Twenty straight hours of Pokemon cartoons."
Yugi and Kaiba paled. "I take it back," Yugi said. "You're not a lousy villain, you're an unspeakable villain. In fact, you're the most vicious human being I've ever met. How could you DO that to another living creature!"
-That MONSTER! How dare she?- Yami raged.
"Damn, and I thought I was sadistic!" Kaiba muttered in awe.
The Queen smiled smugly beneath her cowl. "Yeah, I have my moments. Now, Yugi, would you perhaps like to duel Joey before we all die of old age?"
Yami emerged in a burst of light. "Before we even start, do you MEAN it? This will be a REAL DUEL, right? And if I lose, I'll die, right?"
"Well, I DID have a little something set up, now that you mention it. A large chocolate sundae will be constructed, and the winner will get to eat half of it! But then…"
"I have a funny feeling I know where this is going." Yami muttered.
".. the LOSER gets the OTHER half! But they have to WAIT for it, until after the winner eats their half! It's horrifying! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"… yeah, that's pretty much what I've come to expect from you. All right, here's what we're going to do. Joey and I will tie our feet to an anchor, and only the winner gets the key to unlock the connecting chain. That okay?"
"Oh, heavens no! Someone could get killed!"
"THAT'S THE IDEA!"
"No, no, we can't have anything like that happening. We'll just go with the sundae plan."
Kaiba started laughing. "Oh, what a tremendous hero you are, Yugi! Willing to risk getting the slightly less-tasty part of a sundae! What horror! What bravery to tempt fate in such a manner!"
"Shove it, Kaiba. At least I have a REASON for doing all this. I have an ancient, divine DESTINY going on here. YOU are just a GEEK!"
"I… you… I… you… you… … You suck!"
"Nice comeback, Chris Rock. You're just full of witty banter."
-Oh, you got BURNED!- Inner Yugi crowed.
Dammit, when you didn't talk for a few hours I thought you were gone!
-Yeah, but that was when you were happy! Now that you've had your whole purpose in life called into question, I'm back to kick you while you're down.-
"Now, are we ready to begin this thing? I think my… my sundae is melting." Yami mumbled angrily.
"You only get half!" The Queen reminded him.
"I hate you."
"I'll start the battle, if you don't mind, by summoning Charmander!" Joey said, throwing a red-and-white ball onto the ground between him and Yugi.
Nothing happened.
"What? Why isn't my Pokeball working?" Joey asked.
Yami went up to the 'pokeball' and examined it. "Um… this is a rock you painted red and white."
"What, no it's not! It's my pokeball!"
"Oh no, guys! Joey must have taken empty pokeballs out there by accident!" Brock said.
"What'll he do?" Misty asked.
Ash looked worried. "Well, maybe one of them will have something in it he can battle with…"
There was absolute silence for about five minutes.
"… … … … … … … … … … … … …" Kaiba said.
"Who the HELL are you people, and where did you come from?" Yami demanded.
"I'm Ash, and I'm gonna be a Pokemon master!" Ash said.
"You're gonna be a what now?" Yami asked.
"One of the greatest Pokemon battlers ever! I'll catch 'em all™!"
"You're a very simple young man, aren't you?"
"I love all my Pokemon!" Ash said. "I'm on my way to challenge the Domino gym leader!"
"… I think you may have wandered into the wrong dimension somewhere along the line, skippy." Kaiba informed him.
"I KNEW it!" Misty roared. "I KNEW something was wrong here! This is all your fault, you idiots! I said, 'let's just go around the forest, it'll only be a few hours extra travel, and we won't get lost!' But nooooooo, you just HAD to see if there were any 'neat Pokemon' inside! If you had listened to me, we'd still be in the right universe!"
"Now, Misty, it was an honest mistake, and really…" Brock began.
"Shut the Hell up, Mr. 'My sense of direction is so bad it breaches dimensional walls'!"
"Sorry, ma'am."
Yami turned to the Queen and said, "Do YOU know what's going on here?"
"Um… not really… um… maybe they came out of my T.V. set?"
Inside the Millennium Rod's soul room, Yami Malik chuckled. After all, when you were constantly locked inside a little room in a golden stick, unable to kill anybody at all, you have to keep yourself occupied SOMEHOW. Surprisingly enough, he actually COULD warp reality from within the rod. And happily, he was even able to watch it on his spiritual big-screen T.V.
"Oh, this can't possibly end well." He chuckled, watching the Pokemon people.
"Soooooooo… we picked up some dimensional wanderers somewhere along the line. That's okay. We can deal with this."
"You have to love and trust ALL your pokemon!" Ash informed everyone nearby.
"God, I hate you already." Kaiba muttered.
I kinda like this guy! Yugi thought. Believe in the Heart of the Pokemon, dude!
-… he IS kinda like you, isn't he? Doesn't dress like a dominatrix, though.-
I'll have you know that–
-Yeah, yeah, bondage leather is really neat. Can we get back to the matter at hand?- Yami thought impatiently. "Now, Joey, perhaps you're confused. Admittedly, eight hours of THAT," he said, pointing at Ash, who was trying to hold a meaningful conversation with a rat, "Would be enough to drive anyone mildly insane. But we aren't… 'pakmanning', or whatever you call it. We're playing Duel Monsters. You remember that? Red-eyes Black 'Dreegen' as your accent so charmingly mauled it?"
"I… I… I… Red… eyes?" Joey muttered.
"I want to be a pokemon breeder!" Brock said for no particular reason.
"That's great! I love pokemons!" Joey shouted.
"DAMMIT, will you people just SHUT UP?" Yami roared in exasperation.
"If I'm a pokemon breeder, I can breed pokemon!" Brock explained.
"I think that's sort of a given, moron." Misty muttered. "You see what I have to live with every day?"
"Look, I'm trying to reach my friend here, Red. You think you could get your Stupid Squad to keep their mouths shut for five seconds? They drag him back into his delusion."
"Are you kidding? If I could make these two stop talking, I wouldn't have a migraine EVERY DAY," She said. "… Man, when did I get so bitchy?"
"I think you're just starting to soak up the atmosphere here. All our girls are like that." Yami advised her.
"If you're done talkin' it's time for us to poke-battle!" Joey proclaimed. "But… but… I don't have any more pokemon!"
"Here, you can use my Pikachu!" Ash said. Pikachu ran out in front of Joey and said "pika pika!"
"Okay, this just got too weird for me. See you guys at the finals." The Queen of the Rare Hunters said, getting in her car and driving away.
"What the Hell is that thing? It's like the bastard child of a ferret, a balloon, and a thunderstorm!" Yami asked in confusion.
"Pika pika! ((You're not exactly a supermodel yourself, spiky!))" Pikachu said.
"Yay, Pikachu!" Joey and Ash shouted together.
"Some kind of mutant gerbil?" Kaiba wondered.
"Pikachu, shoot your thunder powers!" Joey ordered. Pikachu hurled a bolt of electricity at Yami, who leapt aside.
"JESUS CHRIST! THAT THING SHOOTS #(&$ LIGHTNING!" He screamed in terror, pointing at the Pikachu.
"Well, get up and fight it. It's just a little rodent. I mean, it barely even has a body! It's a beanbag with limbs." Kaiba chided him.
"A little MUTANT rodent that shoots freakin' LIGHTNING!" Yami shouted. "What am I supposed to do, hit it with my cards?"
"YOU'RE the one with the magic destiny, aren't you? Go all 'Shadow Game' on him."
"… Good point. THROUGH THE POWER OF THE MILLENNIUM PUZZLE, I MAKE THEE FLESH, SLIFER THE SKY DRAGON!" Yami screamed. Reality shifted and warped, and the enormous Egyptian God manifested itself in its full glory and terror. It roared at Pikachu.
"Pika! (( HOLY CRAP!))" Pikachu said, and ran to go hide behind Ash. "Pikachu! ((NO WAY IN HELL AM I FIGHTING THAT!))"
Ash's eyes widened. "The… um… the pokemon are… bigger, here. And terrifying."
"Overkill, much?" Kaiba asked.
"SLIFER, ATTACK JOEY WITH YOUR THUNDER FORCE!"
"HA! Never mind, overkill is good!" Kaiba applauded.
The massive dragon released a blazing beam of electric death that struck out at Joey, and blasted him into a twisted wreck of a human being. He kind of twitched a little bit, smoking profusely.
"Um… oops?" Yami said.
Tell me you didn't just ruin ANOTHER one of my friends! First you erase Tea's mind, then you kill Joey!
-Joey isn't DEAD. I mean, not YET. And he might not die at all if… hey, where did Tea go?-
Oh, she probably just wandered off. She doesn't have a whole lot tying her down anymore, y'know?
"GAH! CAN'T… BREATHE!" Malik sputtered as Tea crushed his spine in a bear hug. He desperately struggled to get into a position to smack her in the head with his Rod, but his arms were pinned helplessly at his side.
"My new friend!" she squealed.
"Odion… help!"
"Hm? I'm SORRY sir, I just WASN'T LISTENING!" Odion said, smirking sadistically.
"Jerk… ULK!" Malik choked out as Tea's affectionate death-grip got even tighter.