Author's Note: I… I watched the first few episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh GX not so long ago, and… oh, man … how could anyone make this? Dueling School? DUELING SCHOOL? That's it? That's the best the Yu-Gi-Oh guy could come up with to replace his ancient Egyptian saga? They go to card game school.
Card game SCHOOL.
And who are these people? Jaden? What's a Jaden? Where the Hell is Yugi? Kaiba? Come on, you can't tell me that Kaiba isn't there. Who else would POSSIBLY fund a card game academy? And what's with that teacher who looks like a transvestite corpse? And worst of all: 'I'm gonna throw down a facedown.'
Good lord. Who would ever say that?
I tried to like it, honestly. I tried, but it's like trying to like a flu. You just can't do it. There are some aspects that are okay:
Flu: You get to stay home from school/work/responsibility for the day.
YGO GX: Alexis. I've always had a soft spot for the girls in an Anime, probably why I like Isis so much. And I just like her voice for some reason.
But on the whole, they both suck, and I just can't like either one of them.
Chapter 17: And the 'plot' finally starts to move
"Sooooooo… what do we do with this?" Kaiba wondered.
"Whee, Pikachu!" Ash said.
Yami winced. "Man, kid, do you just never shut up? You remind me of Yugi, except feral. You have no idea how long it took me to train some of the optimism out of that twerp."
"Whee, Pikachu!" Ash said.
Misty groaned. "Can you share your technique? I can't think of anything I'd like more than to take sparky there down a peg."
"Whee, PikaUGH!" Ash said as Kaiba smashed him over the head with a discarded beer bottle.
"((Thanks. He seriously gets on your nerves after a few years.))" Pikachu said, lighting a cigarette.
Kaiba blinked. "You're not as wholesome as your image would suggest, are you?"
"((You can understand me?))" Pikachu asked.
"You can understand it?" Yami asked.
Kaiba shrugged. "I took a course in 'Mutant Rodent Languages 101' at the Domino Community College. Figured it would help negotiate with the giant mutant rats that live in the KaibaCorp. Basement."
"… and has it?"
Meanwhile, in the KaibaCorp. Basement…
–Our plan proceeds apace. Our chicken allies have claimed the city of Hong Kong as their own. Even now, our cloning machine nears completion. Once we have connected it to the Hong Kong power grid, we can use it to increase our numbers to the point where nothing will be able to withstand our might. Even our chicken 'allies' shall fall to our superior fangs as we sweep across the world in a killing wave, devouring all that lies in our path.– The communal telepathic mind of the KaibaCorp. rats thought.
(Actually, I'm trying out that Atkins diet, so I'd really prefer if we took it light on the devouring thing.)
–Dammit, Steve, how many times are we going to have this conversation? We're giant rodents. We devour things. It's what we DO.–
/Not if we don't start to watch our blood pressure, we don't/
–Listen, Roy, we all know you're a health nut, and if you don't want to devour things you don't have to, but the REST of us are going to consume the earth.–
(I just TOLD you, I'm on a DIET!)
–Dammit, Steve!–
Back at the docks…
"No, it hasn't worked so well." Kaiba admitted.
"Are they Raticates? Because those are pokemon! I breed pokemon!" Brock said cheerfully.
There was absolute silence for several seconds.
"What? Why are you all acting funny?"
Yami and Misty looked from Kaiba, to Brock, and back to Kaiba. "Did you hear that?" Misty asked, looking like she was struggling not to laugh.
"I… I can't be sure. They speak with such different TONES… but it's so… both of you, say 'wombat'!" Yami commanded.
"Wombat." Kaiba and Brock said at the same time. Although, frankly, if only one of them had said anything, it would have sounded exactly the same. Kaiba's eyes widened. "HOLY CRAP!"
"I KNEW it!" Misty crowed triumphantly.
"This is the best thing that's happened all week." Yami snickered. "I can't even begin to imagine the prank phone call possibilities!"
"Did you know that pokemon need a proper mix of nutrition to achieve their full potential?" Brock asked no one in particular.
"THIS IS #)&) ABSURD!" Kaiba protested. "THIS BREAKS EVERY LAW OF MAN AND GOD! THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!
"NO WAY IN HELL CAN I HAVE THE SAME VOICE AS POKE-LOSER OVER THERE!"
Yami began to laugh.
"Why will nobody treat my horrible wounds?" Joey groaned.
"Oh, you'll be fine! We're busy laughing at the pain of others." Yami scolded.
"Fine! I was attacked by the fury of a god!" Joey choked out. "My organs have been rearranged in alphabetical order!"
"I have some Poke' Medicine." Brock offered.
"DAMMIT, STOP TALKING!" Kaiba shrieked.
"Who the Hell are you people, anyhow? And how did I get here?" Joey groaned. "And why did Yugi attack me with a giant divine dragon…?"
"You've been… a little off?" Yugi said. "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what's been going on either."
"Ah, okay. Now, CAN I GET TO A HOSPITAL?" he screamed in agony.
Yami re-emerged and smiled angelically. "Worry not, Joseph, for just as my own victory is essential to the plot, so to is your survival. Now rise, and be healed, my son!"
Joey tried to stand… and fell screaming as something cracked in his leg.
Yami's eyebrow raised. "Darn, I thought that would work for sure. Um… does anyone have a car nearby?"
"Dammit, how do I let you talk me into these things?" Serenity asked.
She and Tristan were currently wandering aimlessly through the city of Domino, searching for any hint of anything that even looked like Joey.
"Now, Serenity, you need to look at this from my point of view."
"Wow, you have enough brain function to have your own point of view? How exciting for you."
"Thanks!" Tristan said, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "I eat Wheaties™ for brain-power every day!"
"… you should see about getting a refund from the Wheaties people."
"I don't follow you."
"… oh, just tell your story. What's your point of view?"
"Well, after your computer broke…" he began.
"BROKE? You're the one who dropped it on the floor because you were laughing too hard at the website of puppies wearing funny hats!"
"…after it broke, I figured 'hey, why don't I take her to SEE Joey! And then it occurred to me that you can't SEE, because you can't take those bandages off your eyes for like five more hours. But you can hear Joey, and that's what really matters, right?"
"Right." Serenity agreed. "That's a very good plan. But you forgot to mention the part where you HAVE NO FREAKIN' IDEA WHERE YOU'RE GOING, IDIOT!"
"A minor concern. My keen sense of tracking will soon lead us to Joey! Why, I believe I can feel his presence even now!" Tristan said, leading Serenity in the direction his 'Joey-sense' was taking him.
There was silence for several seconds.
"We're in a dank, repulsive alley, aren't we?" she asked.
"A little bit, yeah."
"I swear, Tristan, if that was a rat that just ran across my shoe, I will beat you to death with your own spine."
"Well, then, I'm perfectly safe. The only thing that's run across your shoe has been a small herd of cockroaches!"
"… the second these bandages come off, the very SECOND, I will destroy everything you have ever loved."
"Well then," a new voice informed them, "he doesn't have a problem. You won't be living to take off those bandages." Three men wearing Rare Hunter robes and carrying machine guns entered the alley behind them.
"… oh, God, now we're going to be killed. I'm going to be murdered in a dark, disgusting alley, and the only person who will ever know of my death is YOU!" Serenity screeched at Tristan. "You know, I honestly hope that when I die, I can follow you into the Hell you so richly deserve and make your afterlife of torment even MORE horrible than it is already destined to be."
"Wait a minute, why are you three doing this?" Tristan asked nervously.
The leader shrugged. "Some crazy girl on stilts paid us twenty bucks each to dress up in these robes and kill you."
"… twenty bucks? You're going to kill us for twenty bucks?"
"Ah, but with that twenty bucks, we can all go see a movie! And then, we'll have enough left between us to buy the DVD of Star Wars: Episode III, meaning we'll have TWO movies!"
"… … … … … … clearly, you never graduated from assassin school," Serenity observed.
"No, I flunked out in the first year for taking prices that were too low, and… oh. Oh, I see your point. Ah well, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!" he said, and took aim.
Just then, a heroic voice proclaimed, "STOP RIGHT THERE!" and an unseen hero released a deadly weapon.
Or some dude threw a couple dice.
"Ow." The leader of the three underpriced killers said, as a die hit him in the back of the head and kind of stung a little bit.
"There's more where that came from, villain!" said the hero. It was none other than Duke 'Dice' Devlin, the world's foremost… um… guy with dice, I guess.
"… So? You hit me with dice. That wouldn't possibly stop anyone."
"Don't be so sure, monster!" Duke said, throwing some more dice.
"Ow! Those little things are hard!" one of the killers said.
"Oh, quit whining Lawrence."
"But they hurt! A little bit, I mean."
"Oh, just shoot him, you idiots." The leader moaned.
The two backup killers opened fire with their lethal weapons, spraying the area with bullets. Then another die hit each one in the face.
"OW! Oh God, sir, we can't stop him!" Lawrence proclaimed.
"Lawrence is right! I shoot at the dice, but they're too small and fast to hit!"
"Truly, they are the ultimate weapon! FLEE!" With that, Lawrence and the other guy ran screaming from the alley.
The leader kind of stood there for a second, wondering exactly what had just occurred.
"… um… uh… oh?" he said.
"HA! There's only one to go, my friend, and you're it! Any last words?" Duke 'Filler Arc' Devlin asked.
"… yeah. I'm going to shoot you."
"Oh. Well, those are really bad last words." Duke replied.
"How are these? 'I'm blind, not helpless'." Serenity whispered in the killer's ear. "Found you."
What followed next was, too put it mildly, the most horrifying thing that anyone anywhere had ever seen. It was far, far too horrible to put it in a story with a PG-13 rating, that's for sure. I mean, a little kid could read about it and be scarred for life. No, we need to skip that part, that much is for certain.
Moving on.
"OH SWEET JESUS!" Duke screamed, wiping the blood spatter off his face. "How… how could you do that to another human being? Even if he did try to kill you!"
"Simple. I just pretended it was Tristan." Serenity said, smirking coldly. "Now, Sparky, as much as I appreciate you giving me the five-second distraction I needed to take these clowns out, if you don't lead me and my pet moron to my big brother Joey, I will redefine your existence as living PAIN."
"I… I… I have a car." Duke said nervously.
"Well then. Start drivin'."
"I hate my life, my job, and my family." Odion said, watching Tea and Malik skip down the street, hand-in-hand, sipping chocolate milkshakes and singing happy songs.
((You have no idea, big guy.)) Yami Malik replied silently.
"So in the end, everything worked out fine! My doctor says that in a few months, if the grafts take and my body doesn't reject the transplants, my new skin will somewhat resemble my old skin!" Joey said happily as Yugi pushed his wheelchair.
"And you call that 'fine'? That's what I like about you Wheeler. You're so stupid that just being around you makes me seem like even MORE of a genius than I already am." Kaiba said.
((So, Seto, I've been working on this flowchart to prove, mathematically, that your existence is the entire reason that people get diseases. But so far, the variables don't match up, because I just can't think of any way you could possibly be connected to anything that, y'know, MATTERS.)) Inner Yugi informed him.
"Dammit, Inner Yugi, if you don't shut your damn nonexistent mouth I swear I'll kill myself!" Kaiba roared.
"Again?" Yugi groaned.
"… yeah, you're a genius." Misty said. "So, seriously, guys, what exactly do you do around here?"
"We're all involved in a tournament, and I suppose now we're on our way to the finals. But we're still missing a good chunk of the cast, so it could take a while."
"Oh, a tournament? Like in our world? We have these competitions where we make trained monsters fight each other!"
"Oh, you mean like that thing?" Yugi asked, pointing at Pikachu.
"((That thing could take you out with one shapeless arm behind its adorable back, spiky.))" Pikachu said.
"Yeah, sort of. There are a lot of different kinds, and some of them are genuinely ferocious,"
"Well, our tournaments are a little different. They are based on an ancient, magical game of death and chaos from thousands of years ago!" Yami said grandiosely. "A game that has, through the ages, been tempered down to its purest elements… THESE!"
"… you play cards."
"No, no. We DUEL!"
"… with cards."
"… in a sense, yes."
"In the sense that you play with cards. Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess. It just seems a little childish to someone who can command REAL monsters." Misty said archly.
"Yay! I love all my cute pokemon!" Ash said, giving big hugs to his menagerie of cute, formless, big-eyed things. "I want to win all the badges and be a pokemon master so my mommy will be proud of me, and my bully of a neighbor won't make fun of me anymore!"
Misty sighed. "Okay, maybe our way isn't so mature after all. But at least our monsters are real!"
"THROUGH THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MILLENNIUM PUZZLE, AND THE BOUNDLESS DARKNESS OF THE SHADOW REALM, I MAKE THEE FLESH, SLIFER THE SKY-"
"NO! No, that's okay, I remember your huge dragon now! No need to demonstrate! Let's go play some serious duelin' cards! Yessir!"
"Oh, we will." Joey assured her. "Jus' as soon as the supporting cast gets here. Tea could really wander back at any moment, and I'm pretty sure that Tristan and Serenity were in the script by this point, so they should be showin' up any time now…"
"Oh, Joey, thank God! He's here, Serenity! Please, please, he's here, you can stop strangling Duke!" Tristan said, running up out of breath. "Oh, man, Joey, your sister is a VERY mean lady! She yells and hits me and calls me stupid, and when Duke's car broke down while we looking for you she started trying to kill him!"
"Whoo-hoo! And the supporting cast begins to come together! Hey, Sparky, go talk to Serenity so she has a new target for her wrath and Duke can sneak away." Yami ordered Ash.
"But that doesn't sound very safe…"
"She's… um… made of Pokemon."
"Yippee!"
Yugi mentally sighed. Well, it was nice knowing him.
"Okay, so who are we still missing? Mokuba is at the blimp already. We still need… hmmmm… well, I guess Tea and Mai," Kaiba said. Just then, Tea came skipping up holding hands with Malik.
"Yay! My friends are here!"
"… Tea, why are you holding hands with the bad guy?"
Kaiba smirked. "The question that comes to mind more immediately is 'Why is Malik holding hands with HER?' And why does he have flower face paint? And a pink shirt?"
"That's easy," Odion grumbled. "He's got the same average I.Q. as a bowl of oatmeal, and it took about ten minutes for her brutal cheerfulness to totally brainwash him."
"Can you fix him?" Yami asked worriedly, "We've already had enough problems with villains in this story, and we really can't afford to lose another one, even if he is kind of substandard."
"You know the worst part? He used to have some legitimate evil going," Kaiba said mournfully. "Then I guess he spent too much time around you guys, and now look at him. He's Cinderella in drag."
"… YOU spend time with us too, y'know."
"Yeah, but I'm not an idiot. DAMMIT INNER YUGI, I AM NOT A BALLERINA!"
"… I miss my world." Misty said.
"OH, it's a mutant electric ferret! I just looooooooooove rodents!" Tea squealed, rushing over to give Pikachu an enormous hug.
"Pi… ka… ((GACK! My… ribs… can't… breathe…))"
"I love Pikachu too!" Ash said.
"I could breed Pikachus!" Brock said.
"I love you two too!" Tea said.
"And we love you!"
"Friendship is the most important part of Pokemon training!" Ash informed her.
"Really? I love friendship!"
"Want to be friends?"
Tea's eyes turned watery. "Where have you been all my life? YES, let's be friends!"
"… I think I'm going to be ill." Kaiba said, as Tea and Ash began to play 'ring around the rosie'.
"Pika pika. ((And people wonder why I electrocute him all the time?))" Pikachu said.
"Okay, okay… wait, what the Hell are you still doing here? I told you to go save Duke!"
"Oh, I tried, but she wasn't made of Pokemon at all, so I just came back here."
"Oh poor, poor Duke…"
At Duke's Car…
"So, you think YOU can look at ME?" Serenity said in a low, dangerous tone, a glistening Samurai sword clutched in her hands.
"PLEASE, GOD! HELP ME, PLEASE, SOMEONE!" Duke screamed in terror.
Back at the Group…
"Oh well, nobody really liked Duke anyhow." Kaiba said.
"True, true. Now, let's get back to our Malik problem…"
"Oh, there is no 'Malik problem'," Odion said. "I'll just hit him in the head with something heavy and make him watch 'Star Wars' again. He'll want to become just like Darth Vader, and he'll be back to evil. He might even be more evil than before, just because it'll be more fresh in his mind."
"Sweet. Can ya get on that before he starts joining in with the Sweetness Squad over there?" Joey asked, motioning toward Ash and Tea, who were styling each other's hair. Odion grabbed Malik's arm and dragged him off for a beating and a movie.
"Okay, were we missing anyone?"
"Wheeeee!" Mai said. "Guesh what, everybody? I'm getting MARRIED!"
"Ah, at last, my darling Mai is mine!" … um… that actor guy. The one who really liked ninjas… was he named Jean-Claude? I forget. I think he was, just because he was supposed to be a rip-off of Jean-Claude Van Damme, so that's what I'm going to call him. "After all these years of obsessing about her like a total freak, my dearest Mai has agreed to marry me in a drunken fit of incompetence!"
"… wait, what?" Joey asked in a very dangerous tone. His accent, strangely, was nowhere to be heard.
"Oh, HI Joe, I'm gettin' married to my good buddy Jimmy!" Mai said.
"My name is Jean-Claude, darling."
"Suuuuuuuure it is, Philliam."
"… Philliam? That's not even a real name, sweetest."
" 'Course it is! Cross a'tween Phil and Willy-Billy-Silly. Whee!" Mai said, and passed out.
"… anyway. When my beloved Mai wakes up, she will happily agree to marry me soberly, I'm sure! Particularly since I plan to have the marriage contract filled when she's still unconscious." Jean-Claude said.
"Now, buddy, I don't know what anime you think you're from…" Joey began.
"I'm from…" Brock began.
"Finish that sentence and you will burn, I swear. In fact, I just never want to hear your blasphemous me-voice again." Kaiba growled.
"… … …" Brock finished.
"… but Mai is MY Mai, got it?" Joey said. "She's MINE. Everyone knows that. Every fanfiction writer in history, even the creepy ones that like to couple Yugi with Yami, give me Mai, you understand?"
"But Mai is my one true…"
"I WASN'T FINISHED." Joey said in a very, very dark tone.
"…eep."
"Now. Under normal circumstances, I would engage you in a duel at this point…"
"OH, GOD! YES, PLEASE!" Yami screamed.
Everyone else took a step away from him.
"Er… sorry. Please continue, Joey."
"um… yeah. So, under normal circumstances. But I can't really walk too well now, and we play one violent card game, so…"
"I VOLUNTEER TO STAND IN FOR YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME DUEL THE JERK!" Yami shouted desperately.
Everyone took another step away from him.
"… I'm just going to go stand over there." Yami said, walking away.
"So… anyhow. We won't be dueling. I'm just going to deal with you directly, pal."
"HA! How? You can't walk, and I'm a professional martial artist!"
"Hey, little sis! Your big brother just thought of a way you can pay him back for giving you a million dollars!"
"Oh, that's all? You're going to have your little SISTER fight me? Man, you are SAD, little… eh?" Jean-Claude said, turning around at a light touch on his shoulder.
"Hello." Serenity said softly.
The screams could be heard from quite far away.
Not too long afterward (How long does a soul-quaking beating really take, after all?), the gang converged on the abandoned stadium where Kaiba's blimp had parked.
"Wow, this is so neat!" Serenity chirped, her bandages finally removed. "This is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to see you duel, Joey!"
"Yeah, and I can't wait to show you how great your big brother really is!" Joey said jokingly.
"Hee-hee!"
Everyone else was standing back a good thirty feet from the two siblings. The more innocent ones, like Ash and Tea, looked distinctly ill.
"How can… how can he just walk and talk with her like that?" Yugi shivered.
"Just count yourself lucky, Yug. You didn't spend an hour trapped in a car with her," Duke said. "I'm going to have nightmares for a year…"
Ash shuddered. "So… much… blood… we never bleed on my show… must think about my show… friendly, happy show…"
"She has some good technique." Kaiba said. Unlike the others, he looked merely thoughtful instead of scared. "Do you know if she's got a job? I've got an opening for a bodyguard…"
"Gah." Tea said. "Gah."
"Pika, pika, pika. ((I would not face that monster for all the poke-food in the cosmos. Truly, she is the Death Goddess made Flesh.))."
As the group approached the blimp, Mokuba and Bakura ran up to meet them. "Hey, Seto! 'Bout time you showed up. Now, take a number, you're finalists 304 through 322…"
"Okay, way to organize all this Moku… wait, what?"
"Yeah, I was going to mention that. It seems we have a problem with the locator cards… in that everybody has six."
"WHAT?"
"Well, the program was fairly simple, and if somebody got hold of one, they apparently could use it to make copies… lots of copies."
"But who would do that?"
On a plane to Las Vegas, Bandit Keith chuckled. "$100 a locator card times 7,000 cards sold… oh, I'm going to have SO much fun at the tables once we land. Take that, suckers!"
"Well… we… we clearly have to deal with this." Kaiba said, motioning at the crowd that was forming.
"It's going to be hard." Bakura said helpfully. "None of these people are just going to leave, you know. They all want to win and such…"
Yugi looked at the fresh scratches and burn marks on his friends face. "Um… Bakura? What happened to y–"
"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
"–sorry."
"Well, there's only one way to disperse a crowd like this," Kaiba said.
"Seto, no. Don't hurt anyone." Mokuba cautioned.
"Oh, don't worry, Mokuba. I'm going to disperse them with diplomacy and tact, displaying a Gandhi-like patience."
Everyone looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head.
"Oh, alright, you got me, I'm joking!" Kaiba chuckled. "RELEASE THE DEATH SQUADS!"
Large groups of armed, powerful men attacked the crowd, the majority of which ran screaming for the hills.
"Dammit, Seto…"
"Oh, don't worry, Lieutenant Mokuba. Nobody will be harmed… except for the ones too slow to get away. Now, who's left? Me, of course. Yugi, because this entire tournament has been created expressly for me to destroy him…"
"I KNEW IT!" Yugi said.
"Wh… snicker, snicker… Whee… HAHAHAHA! Wheeler! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, I can't believe it… Wheeler… just SAYING it makes me laugh! WHEELER IS IN MY TOURNAMENT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah… okay, Mai and Bakura, they're cool. Weevil and Rex…"
The two duelists in question poked their heads out from under a piece of debris they'd ducked under when the death squads attacked. "Are we still alive?"
"Wait, what are they doing here?" Yami demanded. "They aren't in the script!"
"Don't worry, we'll have them lose early on."
"Oh, ok… 'have them lose'?"
"Yugi, the person running this tournament is ME. Do you really think I haven't already decided how it's going to end?"
"… point."
"Okay, we still have a little while to wait. I'm pretty sure Isis and Marik will show up eventually; but other than that, I can't really think of anyone we're… missing?" Kaiba's voice turned to confusion as the air in the area suddenly dropped by ten degrees. Mist began to flow through the atmosphere, shrouding the crowd in darkness.
In one of the entrances, a shadow took form. A Dark, evil figure, whose very presence chilled all those nearby to their very souls. The Dark Man walked closer to the crowd, and when he'd reached hearing range he held up his six locator cards. "I am here to win my tournament." He hissed.
Yami tensed. "Ah, and the great darkness is revealed! You must be the horror from my vision!"
"Hardly, child. I am, however, here to destroy you utterly, fool. You will fall to my dark powers, and the almighty power you possess shall be mine."
Yami's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I won't lose to you, Demon! No coward who's afraid to show his face will defeat me!"
"Oh, I fear nothing, Pharaoh," The Dark Man said.
He reached up and took off his cowl, showing his face.
Yami slapped himself in the face. "SON of a BITCH!" he screamed in pure, shrieking frustration.
"Hellooooooooooooooooooo, Yugi-boy!" Pegasus said.