Author's Note: I don't know why the WB and Shonen Jump are bothering with that whole 'Millennium World' saga. C'mon. Please, people. Don't you give me that 'King of Thieves' with his 'invincible Diabound'. I told the world Bakura's origins a LONG time ago.
But seriously, just read the manga. The censorship on T.V. actually causes physical pain.
Chapter 18: Masters of Disguise
"When I said I wanted more villains, I didn't mean YOU!" Yami screamed.
"Oh, I know, Yugi-boy, but when I heard Kaiba-boy was throwing a tournament, I just said to myself 'Oh, Kaiba-boy is throwing a tournament! I bet I can get my revenge on Yugi-boy there!' And so I hopped right on a plane and came here, and won all kinds of Locator Cards with my Millennium Eye!" Pegasus said. The aforementioned Eye glittered, as it was wont to do.
"Ah, yes. I keep forgetting that you broke into my apartment and robbed me. Thanks so much for the reminder." Evil Bakura grumbled.
"Considering that you TORE IT OUT OF MY HEAD, you have no cause to complain, Bakura-Girl."
"Well, I suppose that you have a… DAMMIT, I AM A GUY, YOU JACKASS!"
Yami turned to Misty. "Well? Come on, bring it out."
"What?"
" 'Oh, in my world, we don't have goofy villains that talk all weird! Man, what losers you are with your card games and stupid villains!'" Yami said in his best Misty impression.
"… Actually, this guy is a refreshing burst of familiarity." Misty said.
"He DOES seem kind of familiar, doesn't he?" Brock asked. Then he bounced off the floor as a fist slammed into the side of his head.
"What did I tell you about talking?" Kaiba growled.
All the people who hadn't been privy to Kaiba's unpleasant discovery at the docks looked from Kaiba to Brock, then back to Kaiba.
"Did he…?" Serenity asked.
"I think he did!" Tea replied.
"Oh, man, this could be the funniest thing ever if we heard it right!" Duke exclaimed.
Yami, Joey, and Misty got identical evil smirks. "Oh, ya heard right." Joey assured them all.
Everyone present stared at Kaiba for several seconds.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Kaiba stared down at Brock. "Dammit, you've ruined my life!"
((Yeah, it's his fault. Because before he got here, you DIDN'T suck.)) Inner Yugi said mockingly.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got Inner Yugi on the inside, and Poke-Jerk on the outside! THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!" Kaiba shrieked, curling into a fetal position and covering his ears.
"Ah, and the breakdown accelerates." Mokuba said knowingly. "And, as usual, I have to take over the business aspect of this bullet train to Hell he calls a company. Now, Max… as far as having you here… I wish you weren't. I… how can I put this… totally frickin' hate your guts."
"Oh, but we're such good friends Mokuba-boy!"
"HE LOOKS MORE LIKE A GIRL THAN I DO!" Evil Bakura protested.
"Now, now, Bakura-Girl, there's no need to get angry…"
"God dammit, I hate you."
"So, Master Malik, are you feeling better?" Odion asked as the ending credits of 'The Empire Strikes Back' rolled.
"Ugh… where am I? What's going on?"
"You suffered a slight mishap in your plans. I hope you'll be back on track now."
"Ah. Why does my head feel like it's been struck repeatedly with a blunt object?"
Odion shifted to better hide the club behind his back. "Um… you were attacked by a baseball player?"
"Ah, well, remind me to kill a few of them later. Hopefully I'll get the right one." Malik said coldly.
Ah, finally. Back to his old evil self! I just knew a concussion and prolonged Darth Vader exposure would undo all the crap he's been through lately.
"Now, it's time to get back on task. I need to claim victory in the Battle City tournament, so I can make the almighty powers of the pharaoh my own! But first, I'll need to infiltrate the tournament. Odion, you will pretend to be me, while I pretend to be the kindhearted Namu!"
"Of course, s– wait, what? That doesn't make any sense, they KNOW you. They know what you look like! And they know I'm not you!"
"Ah, but I'll be wearing a disguise!" Malik said. He reached into his pocket, pulled out an eyepatch, and put it on.
That was it.
"… sir, a lab rat could come up with a better disguise." Odion said, his frustration rising. Apparently, he'd managed only a partial 'Malik reboot'. "And even if that somehow, in some incomprehensible way, managed to fool them, there would still be the problem of THEY KNOW THAT I'M NOT YOU! Malik…"
"Namu."
"Dammit, sir…"
"No, no, you can't call me sir. I'm in disguise. Now remember, I'm Namu… And 'Greg the Bunny' depends on our success!"
((LEMME OUT!)) Yami Malik roared inside the rod. ((I'm going to kill you if I have to break out of this rod and BUILD a body to do it! I will MAKE a body out of ROCKS, and I will possess it and KILL YOU! GOD DAMMIT, YOU COULD AT LEAST TRY TO BRING BACK A GOOD SHOW! HOW ABOUT BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER? THE X-FILES? ANYTHING THAT LASTED MORE THAN FIVE EPISODES?))
Good T.V. shows are never appreciated in their time.
((Maybe. Or maybe they just suck.))
But…
((Have you considered that maybe, if they were good, someone besides you would have watched them?))
Dammit, how many times have I told you to stop insulting my television? I swear, if you say even one more word, I will…
((What? What'll you do? We've been over this before, sparky. You're not going to do anything, you're just going to cry.))
But… but… but…
((Aw, what's a matter? Crybaby gonna cry? Gonna cry for mommy? Gonna cry for your mommy to come help you? Gonna cry?))
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Malik burst into tears.
((Loser.))
"Sooooo… Max. We've all talked to each other, y'know, had a conversation and… well… we're not really COMFORTABLE with you being here." Yami said.
"Awwww, why not Yugi-boy?"
"You hate me." Yami said.
"You hate my best friend." Joey said.
"You hate my brother's best friend." Serenity said.
"You sucked my soul out with your magic eye." Mokuba said.
"VOICES, VOICES EVERYWHERE!" Kaiba shrieked.
"Actually, I kinda like you," Ash said. "You remind me of home."
"It's the voice." Misty agreed. "And the weird 'sorta-evil' attitude."
"Pie!" Tristan said.
"I like pie!" Tea said.
"I shee pink ponies!" Mai slurred.
"M- m- m- m- m- m- m- Mr. P- p-p-p-p-pegasus… can I have your autograph?" Duke 'Why is he here?' Devlin asked.
"Owwww… I feel like someone hit me in the head." Brock said.
"THE LORD OF THE VOICES REVEALS HIMSELF! HAVE AT THEE, MONSTER!" Kaiba roared, tackling Brock.
Yami sighed deeply. "You guys aren't helping."
"Now, Yugi-boy, I understand we've had our trouble in the past. But can't we learn to get along? I think we could really become good friends if you gave me a chance. I have a Millennium Eye, and Toon World after all!"
"… Okay, I just don't understand how that's supposed to make me like you more. I have very personal, unpleasant experiences with both of the objects you just mentioned."
"But they're so COOL."
"Yeah, even if that were the case, you're clearly planning to kill me. Why else would you be here?"
"Why, for card-games, of course! I love cards!"
"I love cards too!" Tea said.
"Dude, I can tell you're planning to kill me!" Yami said, ignoring Tea's interjection.
"Oh, now what gave you that idea?"
"The big freakin' knife in your robe pocket that says 'Yami-killin' knife' on the handle. Also, you said you were here to get your revenge on me!"
"Oh, that's just my card-game revenge! I have a reputation to maintain, you know. And I'm certainly not going to kill you after I win; using you as a blood sacrifice in a dark ritual to restore my lost wife to the world of the living in Tea's body!"
"… wait, what?"
Oh, just stop worrying, Yami. Let's give him a second chance! Yugi thought.
((Yugi, can you remember how many good ideas you've had recently? Oh, wait, that's right, NONE. How about you just keep your brain shut, because your stupidity is what got us into this crazy mess.))
Yami. I know you've had a bad run, recently. I know you've done a number of things that could be considered UNKIND, even EVIL. You've vaporized some people, and that was wrong. You erased Tea's mind, and that was also wrong. But I think that YOU deserve a second chance. And if you do, doesn't Pegasus?
((Well… maybe…))
Yes. Yes he does. Everyone, everywhere, has the potential to change, to set their feet back on the path to good. Now take a deep breath, calm down, and for God's sake, stop being so paranoid! NOBODY is out to get you.
((Except the 'Queen'.))
Yeah, I guess. But does she really count? I mean, we all know who she is.
((True. I guess nothing has REALLY happened. Maybe I AM perfectly safe!)) Yami turned to face Pegasus and said. "Actually, Max, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt!" he said. Then he turned to walk toward the blimp and find his room aboard it. But as he did so, he accidentally kicked a small rock. This rock flew through the air and struck something solid… in empty space. The air shimmered, revealing a half-mechanical man carrying a katana and wearing a black outfit. He smelled distinctly of rot.
"Blast!" the man said. "My cloaking device has been damaged! I must abandon my quest to assassinate the pharaoh now that I have been discovered!" The man cursed, escaping from the stadium in a series of fantastic leaps.
"… … … holy crap." Joey said.
Oh, no. Yugi moaned. Don't tell me that was…
"INVISIBLE CYBORG ZOMBIE NINJA!" Yami screamed.
Pegasus said, "Okay, now I realize this looks bad, but I had NOTHING to do with that guy…"
"Please, not now." Yami said, eyes wide and skin pale. "There's… there's something I have to do."
((Yugi?))
Yes, Yami? Yugi said in a stunned tone of thought.
((There's something very, very important that I need to tell you. This is major, so listen closely.))
Okay.
((Ready?))
Yeah.
((You're sure?))
Yup.
((TOLD YOU SO. I KNEW IT, I KNEW I WAS RIGHT AND I TOLD YOUbut you WOULDN'T LISTEN! I. TOLD. YOU. SO!))
Yeah. I probably deserved that.
"Okay, I'm done with that. Now, I wonder who sent that guy?"
"DAMMIT! Those invisible cyborg zombie ninjas do NOT live up to their reputation!" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said, looking into her evil scrying cup of coffee. "And they don't come cheap, either! Now I can't afford to buy caramel popcorn anymore! I have to buy regular popcorn! CURSE YOU, PHARAOH, YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"
"Excuse me, could you quiet down?" one of the other clinic members said. "We're trying to watch the T.V. Stan got the first season of '24' on DVD!"
"Oooooooooh, just a second. I'll make some popcorn."
"Miss Isis, glad you could make it! Everyone else is already on the blimp, you made it just in time." Mokuba said to the dignified Egyptian woman who approached the sign-in point.
"So, am I the last to arrive?" Isis asked.
"Oh, no, we're still waiting on… oh, there's Malik and Odion! Hey, Malik! Odion, over here!" Mokuba said, waving.
Malik, still wearing his eye-patch, and Odion walked up to the group.
"Now, I realize this is just formality, but please state your names." Mokuba chuckled.
Silence. Odion sighed deeply.
"C'mon." Malik urged him.
"But, sir…"
"DO IT!"
"… … … Malik. My name is Malik." Odion said, burying his face in his hands in humiliation.
"… what?" Mokuba asked. "He's Malik." The younger Kaiba said, pointing at Malik.
"What? No I'm not! I'm the kindhearted Namu!" Malik said.
"What? What the Hell are you talking about?" Mokuba asked.
"Hey, Malik! We're all going to the Olive Garden for dinner after the tournament, you want to come with?" Yugi asked, poking his head out of the airship.
"Sure, why not, I like… I mean, who are you talking to? I'm Namu!"
"… Odion, I think you may have hit him too hard when you rebooted him." Yugi said.
"No, if anything, I didn't hit him hard enough," Odion grumbled. "He's still alive."
"Who are you talking to?" Malik asked nervously. "There's no Odion here, just me, this nice lady who I've never met, and Malik over here!" Malik said, pointing at Odion.
"Well, whatever. See you in the air!" Yugi said, going back to his room.
"… so, who should I be signing up under what name?" Mokuba asked.
"Oh, who really cares? Just sign me up under Malik, and put him down for whatever lame-ass name he wants. It's just a stupid game anyway." Odion said.
"Good point. Okay, Malik and Namu."
"PERFECT! My disguise has functioned exactly as planned!" Malik gloated.
"Sir, they know it's you. They just invited you to dinner, by name."
"… they may have been talking to you."
"That was arguable, until you ACCEPTED."
"… they offered Italian. I can't turn down Italian, you know that."
"Ah, Odion. So glad to see you could make it." Isis said glacially. Malik and Odion both paled considerably.
"Lady Isis. I'm sorry for my actions in the past, but I must obey our mother's last wishes, you know this."
"Of course. But why aren't you obeying them now? Where, pray tell, IS our homicidal younger brother?"
"… … … wait, what?" Odion asked.
"Where is Malik?"
"… … … … … … You're joking, right?"
"Not at all. Where is he?"
"HE'S RIGHT HERE!" Odion said, pointing at Malik.
"That's true. I'm lookin' right at him." Mokuba said.
Isis frowned. "I don't appreciate you two making fun of me. We all know my brother doesn't wear an eye-patch. Nice to meet you, Namu." She said, favoring her 'disguised' brother with a pleasant smile and boarding the blimp.
There was absolute, utter silence for several seconds.
"This is the best. Eye-patch. EVER." Malik said.
Nobody disagreed.
((Oooooooooooooooooooooooh, Kaiba suuuuuucks… Kaiba totally suuuuuuucks… Kaiba really supremely suuuuuucks…)) Inner Yugi sang.
Dammit all, this was supposed to be my crowning moment, not my biggest breakdown yet! Here I am, trapped in my head with you, while my body babbles incoherently. And you keep singing that god-awful song. It doesn't even have TUNE, you just keep repeating the same damn words over and over.
((I know! I'm thinking of selling it to the Black-Eyed Peas™. It's just like everything they've ever written. And I can't think of a better subject for a crappy song than a crappy YOU.))
Burn in Hell, Inner Yugi. You've cost me my dream, and I swear I will find a way to destroy you, I SWEAR IT.
((HA! Oh, what a great dream. Your wonderful life goal of winning at cards! You are the biggest geek of all time, dude.))
I… I… I… I am.
((Damn straight!))
I'm a total loser. I'm a worthless twit. Everyone else is all 'ancient destiny', and I go out of my way to DENY that. Everything that makes them better than me, I do my best to get rid of. I suck.
((Okay, stop it, you're stealing my thunder here. Making you feel bad is MY job.)) Inner Yugi said indignantly.
No, really. There's nothing good about me… but I can change that!
((What are you talking about?))
Well, what makes Yugi and co. good? MAGIC! All I need to do to make myself cool is get my hands on some magic!
((… I guess that's logical…))
Ah, but where to get it? I mean, there's not much magic just lying around. Where, praytell, would I locate some wondrous magical powers, Inner Yugi? Kaiba asked, his tone implying he already knew the answer.
((I… I guess I don't know? Odd, considering I'm a part of your mind. How would I not know?))
Oh, Inner Yugi, you simple, simple fool. Kaiba mentally chuckled. I know exactly where to locate the most fearsome magic of all time. I simply need to go there and TAKE it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Getting up from his breakdown, Kaiba dusted himself off, picked a pair of underwear off his head, and went to the cockpit.
"Course correction, Lieutenant Mokuba! Before we start the finals, there's something I need to pick up…" Kaiba said sinisterly. Then he began to laugh maniacally.
Mokuba sighed. "Oh look, Seto's back."
"AHEM!"
"… General Seto."
"Ah, '24'. Now that is BOLD television!" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said as she walked back to her room. "I feel bad for poor Jack, I guess, his life sucks… but it looks so exciting! To be caught up in the plots of evil, evil men; swept away by forces so far out of your league that they might as well be playing a different game. In short, to be nothing but a pawn in the schemes of terrifying people! Someday, I hope I can be involved in such an evil plot!"
She opened the door to her Evil Anonymous bedroom, to find one of the walls completely gone, and Kaiba sitting on her bed smiling wickedly.
"Hi," He said. "Remember me?"
"OH GOD I'M SORRY FOR WHATEVER I DID, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" She shrieked, throwing herself on the floor.
"Relaaaax. I'm not here to hurt you this time. In fact, I think we just might be able to make a deal…"
Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.
"Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts… there they are a-standing in a rooooow… big ones, small ones, some as big as yer head…" Noah sang. "Oh, computer, my best friend. I know that it's a waste of time, but where might Seto happen to be, great best computer who is wonderful?" Noah squeaked, his eyes staring off in two different directions.
"KaibaCraft One has left Domino and is beginning to make the trip to KaibaCorp. Island." The computer said.
"How dare you!" Noah snarled. "You must think I'm a real moron, to fall for such an obvious deception! After all this time, Seto won't be coming here, no sir."
"No, really, sir. Seto Kaiba is on his way here. Heading directly for your trap."
"Liar." Noah growled. "You stupid, lying whore! I KNOW Seto can't really be on his way here! I KNOW IT! SETO WON'T COME! He CAN'T COME! The Gods won't allow it! MY FORTRESS IS CURSED!"
"Seto is coming. He's coming here."
"Dammit, Computer, I won't be talking to you until you stop this ridiculous charade."
Sighing deeply, the computer made an image appear on Noah's viewscreen; KaibaCraft One, in the air.
"… … … … … … … HALLELUJAH!" Noah screamed. He jumped up and started dancing around the room, singing religious hymns at the top of his lungs.
"I was built by an idiot." The computer said.
Back at the stadium, a pick-up truck pulled in with a large stone coffin in the back. Getting out of the front, The Queen of the Rare Hunters adjusted her robes and cackled wickedly. "HEE HEE HEE! I hope all you fools are ready to bow to my superior… power…"
She looked around the empty stadium. She looked left. She looked right.
"DAMMIT, THEY LEFT WITHOUT ME!" She whined.