Author's Note: Apparently, there are no more review responses allowed. I don't know this for sure, but I don't want to risk it. This is the kind of thing that really strikes home to me the irony of slogan, 'Unleash Your Imagination and Free your Soul'. Ironic because yes, the fact that they so routinely manage to piss me off proves that they are very imaginative, but it also quite accurately proves that they have no souls. Y'know, what with being EVIL DEMONS.

And speaking of being demons, the anime Chrono Crusade (or Chrno Crusade, depending on what country you live in) is now my most favoritest thing. Nuns with guns fighting fiends from Hell, how can you top that?

Author's Note 2: You guys were right, YGO GX did get better. I tuned back in for five or six episodes, and they actually seemed to be doing something. Jayden was still annoying as Hell, so I stopped watching again, but at least now they have some purpose. But that's not the point. My point? I typed this in chapter 17: 'Come on, you can't tell me that Kaiba isn't there. Who else would POSSIBLY fund a card game academy?'

My point? I am so smart it hurts. KAIBA DOES OWN THE DUEL ACADEMY. One of the episodes I watched confirmed it. Damn, I'm good.

Chapter 20: Friendly Enem… actually, just enemies.

"Will you stop that?" Evil Bakura grated.

"Stop what?" Yami asked.

"Stop BREATHING my air."

"I am not breathing your air, I'm breathing MY air. I'm the Pharaoh, all the air is mine. In fact, I command you to kill yourself to free up my oxygen for my royal use."

"I've got an idea, how about I fix it so you don't NEED air anymore? I've got a wonderful selection of knives in my home, I can go get a few of the bigger ones and be back here in twenty minutes."

"Okay, screw this! Kaiba, I refuse to work with him anymore! I simply cannot pair myself with someone so obviously interested in killing and robbing me."

"… … the duel hasn't even started yet. We haven't even reached the arena yet." Kaiba said.

"Do you really think the duel will be BETTER in some way?" Evil Bakura asked.

"No, not really." Kaiba admitted. "But sometime on the way here, I just realized that, oh yeah, I don't really CARE what happens to either one of you. So, like, Bakura, if you want to stab Yugi with a barbecue fork? Cool. Yugi? If you were to kill Bakura with a chainsaw? I don't mind. Go ahead. Chop her up."

"Chop… her… up?" Evil Bakura growled.

"Oh, it was a slip of the tongue," Kaiba assured him, smirking evilly. "Bakura-Girl."

"You know, I have a LOT of knives, and not ALL of them are reserved for Yami…"

Kaiba pressed a button on his watch, and a machine gun popped out of the wall and pointed at Evil Bakura's face. "Yeah, threatening me in my own blimp? Not a good idea, sparky."

"Fair enough. As long as you keep in mind that all threatening WILL resume as normal once we're outside Kaiba-controlled territory. Y'know, standard evil threatening procedures."

"Well, I wouldn't expect anything less. You just feel free to threaten me when we're in neutral ground, and you can continue any other threatening or threat-based activities towards any non-Kaiba while aboard KaibaCraft One. You know, the standard non-family evil threat disclosure agreement."

"Wow, and without a contract? That's a good deal."

"Yeah, KaibaCorp. Is sensitive to all the villainous needs of our guests. It's part of our major business plan since 1976 to give any and all concessions to our evil clients to allow them to effectively pursue their evil lifestyle as much as possible when on KaibaCorp. Property, with a minimum of red tape. Because when you deal with KaibaCorp., we understand that sometimes you have to murder some people… and we can live with death." Kaiba said, giving the air of someone reading from a teleprompter.

"You… you actually have a section of your corporate business statement devoted to evil?" Yami asked.

"Name me a major corporation that doesn't."

"Why are you even worried, Pharaoh? I mean, we're on the SAME SIDE. I would never stab my partner in the back." Evil Bakura said honestly.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone in the elevator broke out laughing in unison. "Yeah, even I didn't believe me that time," Evil Bakura admitted, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye.

"Oh, Bakura, that's what I like about you. You're a vicious, contemptible bastard, and you're cheerful about it. You never pull this stupid crap the other villains do… yapping about cartoons for three hours, playing ring-around-the-rosie with Tea, just generally sucking… you're just plain good and evil." Yami said appreciatively.

"It's nice of you to say that, Pharaoh. I do my best to be intimidating and violent at all times." Evil Bakura said.

And that was when the elevator air duct popped open, and the monkey attacked.

Weevil fidgeted nervously, shivering next to Rex in the duel arena while the rest of the gang waited in the audience. "Soooo… what's taking them so long?"

"Why do you care? You're going to lose anyway." Joey said.

"Yeah, we know," Rex admitted, "But we'd like to get it over with so we can prepare to escape whatever Kaiba does to the losers. You just KNOW that freak is going to pull something crazy."

"… yeah, the Death Squads were kind of a tip off that maybe you shouldn't stick around too long after a loss." Serenity said.

"Nobody ever dies on my show…" Ash said, in a daze. "Think of my nice, happy show…"

"What's wrong with him?" Duke asked.

"Meh." Misty replied. "I guess all the violence and anger you guys have going finally short-circuited him. Don't worry, he'll be fine as soon as someone starts talking about Pokémon…"

"Yay! Pokémon!" Ash chirped.

"… ugh." Joey said.

"Is Pokémon anything like pancakes?" Tristan asked idly. "Because I enjoy the Italian language. Guten tag!"

"… my God, do you even listen to what you say? Do you have any idea what words are coming out of your mouth?" Serenity asked in disgust.

"I try not to pay too much attention to that sort of thing." Tristan said.

The elevator dinged, arriving at the arena. Two of the three men inside walked out calmly, and the third ran out screaming with a monkey attached to his head. "Really amazing how, even in that enclosed space, the monkey only attacks him, isn't it?" Kaiba said, in the tone of voice of someone discussing the weather.

"Oh, yes, yes, quite fascinating." Yami replied in the same uninterested tone.

"WOULD ONE OF YOU MORONS HELP ME?" Evil Bakura shrieked.

"Meh." Kaiba and Yami said at the same time.

"Look, guys, someone get the monkey off him so we can get the finals going sometime this month." Joey said.

"Okay, I'll…" Brock began.

"NOT YOU! SOMEONE ELSE! YOU JUST STAND IN THE CORNER AND DON'T DO ANYTHING!" Kaiba roared.

After a few more minutes of discussion on who was allowed to stop the monkey, who actually cared enough to stop the monkey, and the best tactics which to use for said monkey-stopping, Bakura was finally saved when Pegasus lured the creature away with a banana kept conveniently in his vest pocket.

"What?" Pegasus asked indignantly, the monkey on his shoulder. "Like none of you carry your own tropical fruits."

"I always have a mango!" Tristan confirmed.

"Can we… can we just… start?" Evil Bakura gasped.

"Very well. DUEL!" Yami shouted, and the life point counters activated.

Evil Bakura drew a card. "My turn first. Now, Pharaoh…I'm feeling a little dizzy. I've lost a little too much blood for comfort, over here. So I would like to propose a truce, seeing as I am really in no position to assassinate anyone right at this moment. We can go right ahead with killing each other when I'm feeling a little better, okay?"

"I… I guess two-on-two is better odds than three-on-one. Very well, I accept you peace offering." Yami said graciously. "Let's really, really stomp these losers."

"Good call! I play the Headless Knight in attack mode!" Evil Bakura said, laying the ghostly soldier on the field. Weevil drew and played a Larva Moth in defense mode, obviously trying to begin his Great Moth combo. He then bolstered his defenses with a face-down card.

((All right, my turn. Let's see… I could play Heavy Storm to remove Weevil's trap, and then play Gazelle the Mythical Beast to attack his insect…))

Wait, are you allowed to attack before Rex goes? I know these double duels have different rules…

((Yugi, it's KAIBA'S tournament. The rules? Not so major.))

Point. Strike away, young Pharaoh!

"My turn! Mmmmmmm… oh, yeah. I just need a few seconds to… to DRINK in that. My turn…" Yami sighed.

"Dude, stop that. You're scaring the Hell out of all of us, seriously." Evil Bakura said, disgusted.

"Well, SOOOOOOORRY. It's just that dueling is kinda what I DO, and I just never get to DO it anymore. Forgive me for ENJOYING my HOBBY." Yami said. "Now, I play Heavy Storm, to destroy all magic and trap cards on the field!" The huge vortex arose, destroying Weevil's face-down, and Yami continued, "And I now play Gazelle, the King of Mythical Beasts! Attack Bakura!"

"WHAT?" Bakura asked in shock, as Yami's monster ate his knight.

Bakura's LP: 3950

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Evil Bakura screamed in utter rage.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry!" Yami said. "It's, just… well… you're so EVIL, that when you're around… y'know, attacking you is sort of reflex at this point."

"Oh REALLY? Well, I have reflexes too! Here, I'll play Ryu-Kishin Powered, and… oh, I don't know… KICK YOUR ASS!"

"Um… isn't it my turn?" Rex asked.

"SHUT UP!" Evil Bakura roared at him.

"Sorry…"

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, ASS KICKING!"

Yugi's LP: 3900

"HEY! I thought we had a truce!"

"That was when I was feeling WOOZY, you know, right before you tried to kill me! I feel a LOT better now!"

"REALLY? Well, I feel pretty good too! Good enough to play BETA THE MAGNET WARRIOR!"

"Hey, it's my mo-" Weevil began.

"SHUT UP!" Yami screamed.

"… Eep."

"NOW, ATTACK!"

Bakura's LP: 3850

"Oh, NOW IT'S ON! I play the Dark Ruler Hades!"

"I play Dark Magician Girl!"

"Dark Necrophia!"

"Beast of Gilfer!"

"Earl of Demise!"

"Summoned Skull!"

"What the Hell are they doing?" Rex asked incredulously.

"I have no idea…" Weevil said warily.

"SHUT UP!" Yami and Evil Bakura screamed at them.

"Is… is this even a duel anymore?" Kaiba asked.

"Was it ever one?" Joey countered.

"This game is confusing." Misty said.

"I ritual summon Dark Master Zorc, and he's unstoppable so HA!"

"I ritual summon Black Luster Soldier, and he's MORE unstoppable, so HA HA!"

"DIE!" Evil Bakura said, throwing aside his dueldisc and hurling a massive bolt of black lightning at Yami.

"YOU FIRST!" Yami roared in reply, doing the same. Their bolts of death struck midfield, igniting a major aspect of any anime, the Huge Glowy Beam Fight.

"Soooo… do we win? Are we even still playing?" Rex asked in confusion.

"Hell if I know. I'm getting my Great Moth out, just in case." Weevil shrugged.

And the big glowy beams continued to glow.

It was on Yugi's field that the 'duel' began to shift.

The Dark Magician Girl stretched out her arms, yawning. "Wow, this is boring. I usually get to fight stuff by now!" She said. "Sooooo… how you guys doing?"

"Verily, I feel the pull of combat, yet mine lord does engage in his own altercation, and I cannot feel the thrill of battle while he is in danger!" The Black Luster Soldier said.

"… geez, Barry, do you always have to be so stuffy?"

"Verily."

"ROOOOOAR!" Beast of Gilfer said.

"HSSSSSSSSS!" Summoned Skull said.

"Bzzzzzt!" Magnet Warrior said.

"Wow, what wonderful conversationalists we've got going here." Dark Magician Girl groaned. "Hey! Hey you guys! What's going on over there? I thought we were on the same side!"

"And all that lives shall burn under my eternal wrath, the sun shall be darkened, and the seas shall be as blood. So I will it, so shall it be done." Dark Master Zorc said.

Dark Necrophia rolled her eyes. "Sorry about that, we've got some… odd… folks over here."

"Charlotte? Is that you? Wow, I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Vivian! Hey! Yeah, I've not seen you since you married Dark Magician… how are you two doing, by the way?"

"Oh, great! Our 3,475th anniversary is next week, we're going to Paris!"

"Oh, that's so romantic! It's great that even after all this time, you still have the passion in your relationship."

"Isn't it though? I guess that's what happens when you marry your soulmate!"

"You're a lucky girl, Viv. I wish I could get married… if a certain lazy-ass demon would ever PROPOSE." Charlotte the Dark Necrophia said coldly. Dark Ruler Hades gulped.

"Now, honey, you know I value my independence…"

"You've been independent since the dawn of time! It's about time you grew a backbone and settled down, you lazy son of a bitch!" Dark Necrophia snapped.

"She's got a point, Esteban." Dark Magician Girl agreed.

"Oh, suuuuure, you take her side. All you Dark-attribute girls with special effects are the same! Always ganging up, trying to guilt a guy into tying on the old ball and chain!"

"Braiiiins… Braaaaaaains!" Earl of Demise groaned, rotting as he was wont to do.

"You are NOT helping, Roy."

"Oh, I don't know, he's a more stimulating conversationalist than you are!" Dark Necrophia said.

"You tell him sistah!" Dark Magician Girl cheered.

"… Dammit, have you two been watching Oprah again?"

"GAZE UPON MY POWER AND TREMBLE!" Dark Master Zorc said.

"NAY! CEASE THY PRATTLING, WE MUST TAKE UP ARMS TO AID OUR LORDS ON THE FIELD OF VALOR!" Black Luster Soldier proclaimed.

"Barry, in his own, special way, has a point." Dark Magician Girl admitted. "We ARE in a battle, here. We should help the bosses."

"Bzzzzzt!" Beta the Magnet Warrior said.

"Yes. Bzzzzzzt."

"Soooooo… who are we fighting?" Dark Necrophia asked.

"Gaze ye now upon the rapscallions! They, there, are the ones who oppose noble lord Yugi and must be destroyed like the knaves they are! TO WAR!" Black Luster Soldier said, waving his sword in the direction of Weevil and Rex.

"Um… hi?" Weevil said, terribly confused.

Vivian the Dark Magician Girl narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to hurt my poor, harmless little master Yugi? Poor, cute, defenseless little Yugi?"

"Well… I mean, I want to beat him in cards…" Rex said helplessly.

"That's all I needed to know. KILL THEM!" Yugi and Bakura's assembled armies leapt on Weevil and Rex and began to beat the crap out of them.

The assembled people, who had been observing this exchange, took this moment to speak their thoughts on the subject.

"HUH?" They said in unison.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Weevil screamed as he was bombarded with flaming mystical death from several angles at once.

"I… I think there may be a minor malfunction with the discs…" Mokuba said, eyes wide.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Rex screamed as Beast of Gilfer tried to eat his leg and Beta punched him repeatedly in the face.

"Okay, I take it back. This game isn't fake at all!" Misty said.

"MY SOUL IS ON FIRE!" Weevil shrieked.

"It's the least you deserve, meanie!" Dark Magician Girl chided him.

"Yeah! Trying to hurt poor little Bakura, you should be ashamed!" Dark Necrophia added, hurling another ball of shadowy death.

"Um… I think we can call this a win in the 'Yugi' column?" Joey said. Rex screamed again, eliciting a wince from Joey. "Please? Before someone dies?"

"Yeah… yeah, I think so." Kaiba said. "Um… Yugi? Bakura? You guys… you guys win?"

"BURN!" Yami and Evil Bakura screamed in unison. "YOU WILL FALL BEFORE MY SUPERIOR POWER! HEY, STOP COPYING ME! I MEAN IT! I WILL KILL YOU! STOP COPYING ME!"

"Hey! Idiots! You won, shut down the death machines!" Kaiba shouted.

"Huh? Hey everybody, we won!" Dark Magician Girl cheered.

"HOORAY!" The assembled monsters cheered.

"We sure showed those mean guys!" Dark Magician Girl said cheerfully. "That'll teach 'em!"

"Oh… oh God… my spine… I can't feel my spine…" Weevil groaned.

"Maybe you'll just think about that next time you feel like being a big meanie." Vivian said severely.

"Ah… liver… is in… feet…" Rex moaned, and passed out.

"Well, our work here is done," Dark Necrophia said. "See you around, everyone!" All the monsters disappeared, returning to… wherever monsters go when they leave.

"Wait, what's going on?" Yami asked.

"You won. It was really terrible, I didn't think that duel monsters would be so violent!" Serenity said.

Duke looked at her aghast. "The Hell? You killed like four people today! You almost killed me! And you're scared by THIS?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." Serenity said innocently.

"I… you… I… you… WE ALL SAW YOU!"

"W-why are you being s-so mean?" Serenity sniffled.

"I… I… I… I… I… never mind. Just screw it." Duke sighed.

"Damn straight. And don't bring it up again." Joey snapped. He wheeled his wheelchair up to Duke and whispered in his ear, "You trying to get us all killed, moron? Just fergit about it! Live and let live!"

"So… um… Pharaoh… we won." Evil Bakura said.

"Yeah, we totally did. On purpose!" Yami said.

"Definitely! Through… through teamwork!"

"Our teamwork and friendship won this battle!" Yami agreed. The two spirits began to laugh together amicably.

"Okay, since you two are already up there, you may as well kick off the next round while we get these two schmucks to the infirmary." Kaiba said, as KaibaCorp. Guards dragged off the twitching Weevil and Rex.

"Wait, so now we duel each other?" Yami asked.

"Sure, go ahead."

In unison, Yami and Evil Bakura pointed at each other and screamed "I'M GONNA #$&$&$# KILL YOU!"