Author's Note: I realize that I took two months without posting a new chapter. I realize this, and accept it. In accepting it, I am able to admit to myself that I really don't care too much. This is because I am lazy and overworked at school. But I know you guys like reading new chapters, so I pushed myself to my psychological limits and produced one. You may thank me in any way you deem fit, although cash is always the best way.
Chapter 21: Nothing Brings People Together Like Searing Hate
"Oh, you've been asking for this," Evil Bakura said softly. "Always walking around, all 'pharaonic'. Always talking about how great you are, even though I'm clearly much, much cooler than you. Always acting as though your puzzle is better than my ring, even though at least we know what MY item DOES. My Ring finds other items, and it can trap souls in inanimate objects. Your puzzle… What the Hell does that puzzle do, anyway? Is its only power that it has some prissy ex-king inside it?"
"What my puzzle DOES is totally rock, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm the HERO, my power is all-purpose ass-kicking. I thought I'd demonstrated that to you effectively, given that I've killed you… oh, like three, four times? You know, when you shatter someone's soul, you start to lose track after the third time…"
"You totally got lucky those… um… three times."
"Once is lucky. Twice makes you wonder. Three times… well, I'm just plain better than you at this point."
"We'll see who's better than… wait, what was the third time?"
"Well it was… what are the two times you're thinking of?"
"Well, there was Duelist Kingdom, and then the first time we met when you killed me in that tabletop role-playing game. But the third one?"
"Well, you know, back in Ancient Egypt."
"OOOOOOOOOOH! I wasn't counting that one because it wasn't really YOU, y'know?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, you've lost all your memories since then. So it could easily be argued that you are, in fact, a completely different person than the one you were back then."
"Oh, come now. My personality may be different, possibly, but you can hardly claim that I'm not the same physical being."
"That's only one perspective, though. In a sense, isn't the physical form simply a wrapper for the true 'self' which is composed of our mind and soul, what makes us real individuals."
"A valid point, but can't it also be argued that our body is an essential piece of that individuality as well? Every body is unique to the person, just as every mind is unique."
"True, true… but WE, ourselves, are a point of proof AGAINST your argument! After all, we don't have our own bodies. Yet we still possess fully functioning consciousnesses… aren't we 'people'? Don't we prove that a physical body isn't an essential aspect of the person you are simply by the fact we HAVE no physical bodies, yet we're certainly intelligent, reasoning people,"
"You… I… well, I admit it. I can't think of a single counterargument. Although I daresay you couldn't have closed the deal without our… unique situation?" Yami said.
"That's a possibility. You, sir, are a formidable opponent." Evil Bakura said. The two spirits shook hands and climbed off the dueling platform.
"GET BACK UP THERE AND KILL EACH OTHER, YOU MORONS!" Kaiba screamed.
"Oh, that's right! Violence." Yami said agreeably.
"We were going to kill each other! Well, we'd better get on with that." Evil Bakura agreed.
Silence.
A cricket chirped.
"… well?" Kaiba said.
"I… I don't know what's wrong," Evil Bakura said, "But I can't move."
"Me neither! It's like my whole body has just frozen from the neck down! I don't understand what's… oh. OH. Oh, I get it." Yami said, smiling wickedly. "You don't know what to do, do you?"
"Who are you talking to?" Tea asked.
"You know who I'm talking to. That lazy slacker that took two months away from the story! THE AUTHOR!"
Author: Way to go, moron. You broke the illusion of story!
"Big deal. We break the illusion all the time!"
Author: You've got a point, I suppose. So, why are we shattering every law of fiction today?
"You know why." Yami said, his wicked smile growing. "You don't know what to do, do you? We've finally hit a point in the story where you can't get around writing a REAL duel, and you have no idea how to go about it! You. Are. SCREWED."
Author: I… I have no idea what you're talking about.
"You know next to NOTHING about writing action! The closest you've got is that X-men story that nobody reads!"
Author: Hey, ten people have read that! And they all totally like it!
"Ten reviews does not equal ten readers. Most of them are from the same person."
Author: You… you shut up! I'm a well-rounded writer! I am!
"No, you're not. All you can write is humor. And humor where someone else made up the characters for you, no less!" Evil Bakura chimed in.
Author: Why are you guys picking on me all of a sudden? Haven't I been a good author? I've gotten you laughs, and reviews… why are you betraying me like this?
"… how can you seriously ask that, after all the pain you've inflicted on us?" Kaiba asked. "We hate you. We LOATHE you. You've caused us nothing but incredible anguish, sadness, and emotional turmoil since you sat down at your keyboard."
Author: Um… okay, you maybe have a point.
"Damn straight he has a point!" Yami interjected. "But here's where it all ends, sparky. You have to write a SERIOUS DUEL. You don't have a choice! And then… then it will all turn around," Yami said, his eyes tearing up and his voice filling with hope. "Finally, some sense will come to this madness. Some LIGHT will shine into the pit of darkness you've buried us in. And YOU… you will fade away, your powers of evil satire broken by the harsh light of serious literature. Action shall cleanse the stench of your Humor from this land, and all shall be as it was meant to be. You will disappear into the Hell you are destined for, and we shall be free at last!"
"Hooray!" Joey cheered.
"You mean I'll finally get my memory back? Yippee!" Tea cheered.
"I can sober :HIC: upsh? Hoorayippeekaydoo!" Mai slurred, and passed out.
Author: … Wow. You guys really all hate me that much?
"YES!" The cast shouted enthusiastically.
Author: Well… that's… that's a real shame. I guess there's only one thing to do…
"Make your two-month vacation permanent?" Malik… er, Namu… asked hopefully.
Author: Well, guys… it is with a heavy heart that I have to say this… and I'm sorry to all my reviewers and all of you, as well. Fare thee well! The story ends here. Adios.
Tears of joy filled Yami's eyes. "Oh… oh thank God. It's really, truly over."
"God Bless us, every one." Tea said cheerfully.
THE END
Author: HA! Like Hell, losers.
"WHAT? NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! You typed 'The End', the story is over!" Yami screamed in protest.
Author: Please. We already did that joke, remember? Typing 'The End' has never stopped me before.
"If you want us to stop hating you, this is a bad way to do it." Joey said.
Author: Oh, Joey, you simple, simple fool. You think I didn't already know that you all hate me? More to the point, you think I care that you all hate me? That just gives me more incentive to BREAK you. If you think I've been bad up until now, baby you ain't seen NOTHING yet! You nitwits will be cursing the day you opened your big, stupid anime mouths!
"I knew it. I KNEW we shouldn't have said anything." Odion grumbled.
Author: Damn straight you shouldn't have said anything, O-man. You, personally, didn't say anything… but nobody will be spared my implacable wrath. I will reduce each and every one of you to shuddering mockeries of the human condition. Hell, most of you are already half-way there.
"Ah, but you've forgotten something!" Yami said, grabbing the last fibers of hope. "The duel! You still have to write a serious duel, and you CAN'T!"
Author: Oh reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally?
And then, after a series of dramatic and increasingly complicated moves that pushed both duelists to their limits, it came down to a single draw of the card. Would Yami draw his Egyptian God, or would Bakura's Ouija Board claim victory for the dark spirit?
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yami screamed as the field changed to reflect this new condition. "YOU BASTARD! YOU CHEATED! IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!"
Author: That's the way the world works, sparky. Time to get back to the grind!
"Well, Pharaoh, you've fought a good duel, but this time victory shall be mine! In just one more turn, my Ouija Board gains its last letter and spells out 'death', ending the duel… and your soul! And better yet, if any of your three monsters attacks, my Dark Sanctuary magic card will turn the attack back against you, and you have so few life points that I'll win THAT way! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Bakura proclaimed triumphantly.
"Aw, come on! Did you not notice the mutiny?" Yami complained.
"Oh, I may hate the author, but I can live with his eccentricity when it puts me in a good position." Evil Bakura smirked.
So, Yami. I realize you're a little torn up, but now would be just a great time to draw our God card and not get killed, y'know? Yugi suggested.
((Yugi, I am more than a little 'torn up'! That JERK has ruined my life a dozen times, and now he's going to do it again! Can't you feel him out there, plotting? He hates me now, Yugi, I can feel it. I'm the one who led the revolt. The nail that sticks up is the one that gets pounded down! I drew attention to myself, and now I'm going to pay for it!))
Yami, be realistic. You're the main character, there's only so much he can do to you.
((YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO! We're talking about the man who once put me in traction for a month because he wanted to make a funny skateboarding scene!))
-Sorry to interrupt, Yugi-boy, but the rest of us are waiting on the end of the 'duel'.- Pegasus thought.
((Oh, right, sor…ry… DAMMIT, STOP DOING THAT!))
-Make me.-
"All right, since SOME people don't have any PRIORITIES…" Yami began, staring at Pegasus scathingly. "… I'll take my turn! Please… Heart of the Cards… only Slifer the Sky Dragon can save me now! I draw!" Yami said. He drew his card, and it gave off a spark of red lightning as it left the deck. He looked at it, and gave a fierce smile of competitive joy.
A fake, fake smile.
"Sooooooooooo… Bakura… buddy… out of respect to the friendship I have with half of your mind, I am willing to let you surrender BEFORE I play my totally kick-ass God and totally… um… kick your ass." Yami said, with a tone suggesting he was trying to sell a car that had no engine.
"Didn't draw Slifer, did you?" Evil Bakura asked.
"… you can't prove that."
"Drew Kuribo, didn't you?" Evil Bakura asked.
"… maybe…"
Author: He totally did. Believe me.
"The nail that sticks up gets pounded down," Evil Bakura said gleefully. "GO, OUIJA BOARD! DEATH MESSAGE!" The board spelled out the last letter in Death, and horrifying spirits of pain and destruction emerged, wailing with the moans of a thousand tortured souls, and prepared to take a horrible toll on their enemies, dragging him kicking and screaming into an abyss of terror.
"Well, that's not good." Yami said. The puzzle glowed, and Yugi appeared.
"HEY! What the… how did I…" Yugi sputtered. Then he saw the ghosts preparing to eat him. He glared at his puzzle, eyes narrowed. "You are SUCH a jerk." Then he got the crap kicked out of him.
Misty winced. "That is a VIOLENT card game. And I thought it was all holograms? How do they get those little discs to beat people up like they keep doing?"
"Oh, we've got some magic goin'. That, and all KaibaCorp. Technology is programmed to severely wound the owners." Kaiba said cheerfully.
"… how…" Brock began.
Kaiba drew his gun. "We claim the pain is 'added realism' in order to sell our products, in answer to your unspoken question. That said, if you finish speaking that unspoken question, I will add a LOT of realism to your life."
Brock stopped talking.
"Aw… man… y'know, dueling is a lot less pleasant from the 'losing' angle…" Yugi groaned.
"FINALLY! Thanks to the caprices of a very, very odd author, victory is finally mine! I get your puzzle, I get your SOUL, I get ALL YOUR STUFF! Because, finally, I. HAVE. CLAIMED. VICTO-" Evil Bakura began.
"The winner of this duel: Yugi Motoh!"
"… … … huh?" Yugi asked.
"WHAT?" Evil Bakura shrieked.
"Clearly, you didn't read the rules." Kaiba said chidingly.
"YOUR RULEBOOK WAS 780 PAGES LONG, AND WORKED OUT SO THAT EVERY SINGLE CONTESTANT BUT YOU WOULD BE KILLED BEFORE THE END OF THE TOURNAMENT!" Evil Bakura roared. "NOBODY READ IT!"
"I read it!" Joey offered.
"NOBODY WITH A BRAIN READ IT!"
"Well, if you had, you might have noticed Rule 334a, subsection 12, paragraph 9: 'Yugi Motoh is not allowed to lose until he loses to me. Therefore, he will be declared victor in any duel he is a member of, regardless of the actual outcome of this match, until he duels and is defeated by me.'."
"So… I don't win anything?" Evil Bakura asked in disbelief.
"Actually, you owe Yugi your best card. And I'm pretty sure I can have you killed now, although we may have dropped that rule when my little sister Mokubina decided to WUSS OUT and water down the rules."
"Seto, for the last freakin' time, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO KILL PEOPLE!" Mokuba screamed.
"AHEM!"
"… … … General Seto."
"Can… can I at least have his ancient puzzle?" Evil Bakura asked hopefully.
"Sure. It's just tacky jewelry anyhow."
"But… you… sorceress…" Yugi sputtered.
"My belief in magic is VERY selective." Kaiba said sharply.
Odion turned to Malik, who was sweating profusely and clenching his fists so tight he drew blood. "Something wrong, sir?"
"I kinda wanted that puzzle for ME, but if I SAY anything, Isis might see through my brilliant disguise…"
"What brilliant disguise would that be, Namu?" Isis asked kindly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Malik screamed, and jumped off the blimp.
"What an odd young man." Isis commented.
"Shouldn't you have saved him or something?" Ash asked Odion. Odion, displaying the depth he cared for his little brother… kind of shrugged a little.
Back on the duel platform, dark deeds were occurring. "You heard the man, kiddo. Fork over the goods." Evil Bakura said, smirking wickedly (Can he smirk any other way?).
"Y'know what? The thing has been nothing but trouble lately, right up until it got me beaten up by ghosts of death. Take it," Yugi said, tossing it to Evil Bakura, who caught it handily.
"Ah… finally, it's mine… another piece in my dark master plan that I shan't reveal this season, nor shall I even slightly allude to until a few seasons from now, when I shall explain it all quite suddenly…" Evil Bakura sighed, putting the puzzle around his neck. Black light burned in his eyes, and flame curled around his body as awe-inspiring power rushed into him. "Finally, the world is MINE!" he crowed.
-Yours and whose army, skippy?- Yami asked.
Inside Bakura's head.
((… … … … …That wasn't real. I couldn't have heard what I think I just heard…))
Oh, what was that? Are we having friends over for tea and cookies? Bakura asked hopefully.
-Not friends, exactly, but I wouldn't say 'no' to tea…- Yami thought smugly.
((NOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO! This was NOT part of the deal!)) Evil Bakura psychically roared.
-Where was I gonna go, Cleveland? I live in this little puzzle, chief. Which means,- The Pharaoh thought, kicking up his spiritual feet on Bakura's spiritual couch (And getting spiritual mud all OVER the cushions), -That I live here, now. Anything good on T.V.?-
Oh, goody! Guests! We can watch the special showing of 'The Pirates of Penzance' that they're having on the Spiritual Learning Channel. My yami is a great friend, but he never watches musicals with me. Bakura thought cheerfully.
((I am NOT your friend! I am EVIL! And there will be NO musicals! I am still in charge here!))
-Sorry, pal, but you've been outvoted. I LOVE 'The Pirates of Penzance'!- Yami thought enthusiastically.
Really? You're a Gilbert and Sullivan fan?
-Of course! Not many people know that Gilbert and Sullivan are ancient immortal liches who re-release the same plays every few thousand years, when people have forgotten about them. They were a smash hit in Ancient Egypt!-
((GOD DAMMIT, STOP IT! THERE WILL BE NO MUSICALS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR MUSICALS!)) Bakura shrieked desperately.
-Oh, come on, grumpy. Everybody likes Gilbert and Sullivan!-
((No, they don't! If EVERYONE loved them, I would love them, and you'd better believe I hate their immortal undead guts!))
-Why?-
Hey, want to hear my favorite Gilbert and Sullivan song? 'Oh, I am the very model of a modern major general…'
-'I've information vegetable animal and mineral!'- Yami sang along, his baritone nicely contrasting Bakura's soprano as they cheerfully began to sing the entire song.
Evil Bakura gnashed his spiritual teeth. ((THAT is why I hate them…)) he growled.
"Are you okay?" Yugi asked. "You look a little ill."
"Hmmmmm? Oh, yes! Fine! Totally evil, totally have ultimate power, I'm cool. Couldn't be better!" Bakura said, giving a very fake laugh of triumph. "Ha. Ha. Ha."
-Second verse!- Yami cheered. –I'm also well acquainted with the matters mathematical…-
Evil Bakura began to cry.
"Leave ME behind, will they… I don't get a blimp ride, had to steal a helicopter… even that lame sorceress got to go on the blimp, but do they wait for me? Nooooo! Well, I'll show THEM. I'll come swooping in at the last second, I'll TOTALLY kick ass, I'll assemble all five sarcophaguses… sarcophagi?... and claim utter evil victory… aw, man, I hope they all BROUGHT their sarcophaguses… i… coffins. I mean, I couldn't fit mine onto the helicopter, they aren't exactly convenient…" The Queen muttered to herself. "Now, where IS that blimp?"
Then, something dark and heavy impacted the helicopter's windshield. "HOLY CRAP!" She shrieked, the helicopter flying out of control as she jumped in her seat and bumped the control stick.
"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Malik, the dark, heavy object in question, shrieked as his free-fall was suddenly interrupted by the wildly moving helicopter.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The two sad, sad little villains screamed as they went into a death spiral.
Somewhere between the island of Japan and another, smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.
"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Noah shrieked, as the laser grid continued to open fire on him, tracking his infra-red signature.
"I warned you what would happen if you kept shrieking that godawful 'Seto is coming song'! I WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, DIDN'T I? EVEN A COMPUTER HAS A BREAKING POINT!" The computer screamed, redirecting yet another defensive laser to target the fleeing virtual child. "BURN! BURN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
If I were allowed to write review responses anymore, they would be written right here.