Note: Sorry this is a little shorter than usual, but at least I finally posted it!

Chapter 23: The Nature of Ancient Artifacts

"Okay, this is actually pretty good timing." Mokuba said. "Now that we have Malik back­–"

"We do?" Isis asked.

"–NOW THAT WE HAVE MALIK BACK," Mokuba continued, pointedly ignoring her, "We can continue our tournament… such as it was."

"Oh, that sounds like fun. Yes, tournaments are fun. Is killing allowed?" Yami Malik asked.

"… Actually, it probably is." Mokuba said sadly.

"Yes, tournaments are fun," he said again, smiling at Joey (The only available opponent) in a very discomforting way.

"Um… is it too late to forfeit? I've always had this minor problem with bein' killed…"

"Aw, you can take him!" Mokuba said cheerfully.

"You really think so?" Joey asked hopefully.

Yami Malik smiled, then unhooked his rod-knife and made a motion indicating he planned to use it to slit Joey's throat.

"… no." Mokuba admitted.

"I don't see what the problem is," Isis said. "I'm sure Namu would never hurt anybody."

"… … oh, come ON." Yugi said. "Surely you must have realized what's going on by NOW!"

"Yugi, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Isis said serenely. Then she leaned forward and whispered into his ear "Of course I've realized. I'm not an idiot, I know what my brother looks like. I'm tormenting him psychologically. You saw how he jumped off the blimp when I talked to him? Well, watch this." Then, speaking in a normal voice again, she said "After all, it's not as though kind, harmless Namu were anything like Malik. Now, if MALIK were here, I would turn him inside out! Luckily, he's not here. Only my good, harmless friend Namu. Yes, Namu, who I will not murder. Not like I would to Malik."

Yami Malik's smile faded, and he started to sweat profusely and made an effort to hide his knife behind his back. "Yes… good thing I… he… isn't here. Just harmless ol' Namu!"

Yugi looked at Isis with a new-found respect. "Um… do you have a boyfriend?"

"Sorry, you're a little young for me," She said cheerfully, ruffling his hair affectionately.

My baby takes the morning train! Bakura sang.

-He works from nine to five and then!- Yami sang.

+He takes another home again!- Malik sang.

TO FIND ME WAITING FOR HIM! The three sang in unison.

-More spiritual pudding!- Yami cheered.

+Hey, guys! We should totally have a toga party!- Malik said.

Totally! But where will we get togas? Bakura asked.

-Oh, let's just tear up your evil side's spiritual curtains. Nobody cares what he thinks anyway!-

YAY! Malik and Bakura thought in unison. The three spirits began to tear up spiritual curtains to make togas.

((I wish I were dead.)) Evil Bakura thought dully.

"Wait! What about me?" the Queen asked as Joey and Yami Malik began to get ready to duel.

"… what about you?" Mokuba asked.

"I'm the villain of this story!" She protested.

Mokuba looked at her, in her tattered, stained robes (Although somehow her cowl was still concealing her identity, not that it really mattered) and platform shoes. Then he looked at Yami Malik; tall, dark, with psychotic, bloodthirsty eyes and a bloody knife in his hands.

"No, you're not." He said.

"I'm not?"

"Nope."

"But… but I totally tried so hard! I did all kinds of evil!" She protested.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you're just not as evil as Yami Malik. It's a hard fact to accept, but he's the main villain here. That's how it works." Yugi said consolingly.

The Queen nodded sadly. "I guess he is a little more evil than me…"

"A little?" Yami Malik chuckled. "Dear, comparing you to me is like comparing a fluffy kitten to a Nazi. It's not even how evil I am, it's how evil you AREN'T. But don't worry, when I conquer the world, and consume all that lives, I'll be sure to show you what REAL evil looks like before I destroy your soul." Then he patted her condescendingly on the shoulder.

Moving with surprising speed, she whipped a gun out of her robes and shot him three times in the chest.

"HOLY CRAP!" Yugi screamed.

"Dude, what did I tell you last time we talked? I'm American. Screw with me, and I'll bust a cap in your ass!" The Queen told him… er, the corpse.

"Wait, the only person who told that to Malik in the last story was Rebecca! That means the Queen is…" Tristan began.

"That's right!" she said, pulling off her cowl. "It's me, Rebecca Hawkins!" She proclaimed grandiosely.

"Amazing! And I'm the one who figured it out first!" Tristan said proudly.

Silence.

"You just SHOT Yami Malik!" Yugi said, still a little dumbfounded.

"… that's what you're worried about? What about the dramatic reveal that just happened?"

"… Screw the dramatic reveal! You just SHOT MALIK!" Yugi said.

"But I figured out the dramatic reveal!" Tristan whined.

"It wasn't even a real dramatic reveal! We all knew it was her! Tristan, you were the only one who didn't know, and that's because you've got the same average brainpower as a cucumber!" Joey said.

"Hard to argue with that..." Serenity muttered.

"Really, we all did know it was you. I knew it was you, because I can read your mind!" Pegasus informed Rebecca.

"I knew it was you, and I CAN'T read your mind!" Yugi said.

"I knew it was you, and we've never met!" Duke confirmed.

"Even I knew it was you, and I'm not even from this dimension!" Misty confirmed.

"But… but I was all shadowy…" Rebecca said sadly.

"No, you weren't! We figured this all out a long time ago!" Serenity said.

"Well… at the very least, I can be the main villain now! I'm ready to play in Battle City and win all your sarcophagi!" Rebecca said, cheering up.

"Our what?" Yugi asked.

"… Oh, tell me none of you remembered the bring them!" Rebecca shrieked in exasperation.

"Bring what?" Joey asked.

"Big freakin' stone coffins! One each for Kaiba, Malik, Bakura, and Yugi! Come on, they were kinda hard to miss!" Rebecca said.

"I… I vaguely remember mailing those out." Isis said thoughtfully. "But they were very inconvenient. I don't think anyone brought theirs with them."

"But… but my evil plan!" Rebecca whined.

"Was poorly thought out. I mean, how could you have expected anyone to lug those heavy things around?" Yugi asked.

"Well, it was the totally cool thing inside that I was kinda hoping you'd all want…"

"Oh, it was probably just your teddy bear, wasn't it?" Joey said.

"Huh? Oh, no. I threw away teddy after Yugi became my boyfriend!" Rebecca said dismissively.

"Oh, okay, that makes sense I… wait, what?" Yugi asked.

"Yugi! She's only a child!" Isis said severely.

"But she's not my…"

"I don't care how beautiful she is, or how she makes your stomach flutter…"

"She doesn't…"

"Or how you think she's just so adorable in her new glasses…"

"I don't…"

"Or how cute a couple you two make, both being elite duelists! It is entirely inappropriate to date a girl so much younger than you!"

"We are NOT DATING!" Yugi said.

"See? That's exactly the kind of attitude that made me turn evil. He is COMPLETELY emotionally unavailable!" Rebecca said.

"But… but… but…"

"Oh, I know it's hard for him, being a celebrity and all, but he could at LEAST show up for a date once in awhile!"

"But… we've never SCHEDULED a date!"

"Of course we have. I scheduled us lots of dates."

"But you've never told me!"

"Duh! You're supposed to know," Rebecca said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She turned to Misty, "Because you see, when you're as in love as Yugi and I, you can almost read each other's thoughts!"

"But… I… you…" Yugi stuttered, when Joey slapped him in the head.

"YUG! How could you go around cheatin' on Tea?" he scolded. "I thought you had more class than that, man."

"Yeah, it's bad to cheat on Tea!" Tea said.

"… You're Tea." Duke reminded her.

"Oh? Oh, yeah! It's bad to cheat on me!" She said.

"But I'm not… aw, screw it. So, that's what all this is about? You were just trying to get my attention?" Yugi asked.

"Sort of. I was actually searching for the dark, hideous magic that is trapped in the five sarcophagi so I could FORCE you to pay more attention to me."

"… so what IS in the coffins?" Isis asked curiously.

"… … … … … a, um… a sword… that makes… earthquakes. An earthquake sword." Rebecca said.

"She has no idea." Pegasus said, his eye glittering. "Hasn't got a clue!"

"Yes, I do! It's… um… totally an artifact… that was… mine?" Rebecca said.

"Except you never figured out what it is, or how to use it. And then your own Rare Hunters smashed it and mailed away the pieces because you kept waking them up at four in the morning to brag about how cool it was, even though you didn't know what it was or what it did. The only way you even knew it was magical was because it glowed."

"… that mind reading thing is really annoying." Rebecca grumbled.

"So you're going to all this trouble for something you don't even know how to use?" Ash asked. "I would never do that. Then again, there's no problem that I can't solve with Pikachu!"

"((Except the problem of how to STOP TALKING))." Pikachu grumbled, taking a swig from a bottle of whiskey it slipped out of Mai's pocket.

"Okay, okay, so maybe I don't know how to use this particular item. But it's definitely magical! It glows!"

"So do light-bulbs." Misty said.

"… … … you're not helping."

"Maybe we can help find out what it is? We are a fairly magically-versed group of people." Isis said.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea! Yeah, maybe you can help me." Rebecca said.

"Alright, let's start off at the beginning. Where did you find it?" Pegasus asked.

"Mail-order catalogue." Rebecca said.

"… … … … … … … … you're joking."

"Nope."

"All right," Isis said, rubbing her head to fight off the migraine. "What does it look like?"

"Sort of a weird ovalish shape, with globs inside that move around weirdly. And it glows, of course. It's kind of hard to describe."

"… Rebecca."

"Hm?"

"Is it a lava lamp?"

"I wouldn't know. But I suppose it's entirely possible I've discovered the ancient Lamp of Lava."

"… it's not so much 'ancient' as 'American crap from the 1970's'."

"Wait, so her great artifact is a lava lamp?" Yugi asked in disbelief.

"Well, we can't be sure without seeing it, but it's starting to look that way." Isis admitted.

"… why, exactly, would you bother to disassemble and then divide the pieces of a lava lamp? There aren't that many pieces to begin with, and it's filled with liquid. I would think re-assembly would be impossible in any case. There was certainly no need to send the pieces out to be protected." Misty asked.

"Well, the Rare Hunters are the ones who did this, so we can safely assume that 'logic' and 'reason' had no place in the formation of this plan."

"Look, maybe it is a cheap piece of ugly decoration, or maybe it's an all-powerful artifact. The point is, I paid $16.50 for it, and I want it back. And besides, you need me to be your new villain anyway, so it's kind of pointless to debate all this." Rebecca said smugly.

"Well, she kind of has a point," Yugi admitted.

"I guess we do need someone to replace Malik here." Joey said, nudging Yami Malik's corpse with his toe. "I don't see why we can't use her as a fill-in until Evil Bakura or Kaiba gets back on their game."

"All the world is a lie!" Kaiba shrieked.

"… Until Evil Bakura gets back on his game."

Down in the Infirmary…

TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA! Malik, Yami, and Bakura chanted.

Evil Bakura, a toga draped over his head, sighed. ((If there were a merciful god in the heavens, he would have destroyed the ancients before the Toga was ever invented.))

Back on Deck…

"… maybe she should just be the villain for the rest of the story."

"Well, I've already demonstrated how little I care what happens here," Mokuba said. "So sure, you're in. Hand over your six locator cards and we'll get going."

There was absolute silence for several seconds.

"… you don't have them, do you?"

"Son of a BITCH!" Rebecca shrieked.

"Owwwww…" Yami Malik said, opening his eyes. The last thing he remembered was a loud noise and a piercing pain in his chest. "Okay, that plan may not have gone exactly as I'd hoped, but… wait a minute, didn't I get shot? How am I still alive?"

Then he looked around. Flame and lava were everywhere, and a sinister black haze hung in the air and blurred his vision, stinging his eyes and throat. People chained to rocks amid the flame screamed as they were tortured by monstrous hulking demons of horrible size and power.

"Um… where am I, exactly?"

"Oh, have a guess." One of the demons said dryly, turning away from its victim to greet the new arrival.

"Um… well, when I blacked out I was in Japan…"

"Worse. MUCH worse. The most horrible place you can ever imagine."

"… Alabama?"

"Close, but it's much hotter down here."

"Oh, crap. I'm in Hell, aren't I?"

"Well, I mean, look at yourself. Where were you gonna go, Cleveland?"

"This… this is really not how this whole thing was supposed to turn out," Yami Malik said.

"We get that a lot down here."