Chapter 3

And then there were noobs

……………..I know what you're thinking. The great Duo Jagan has deserted us, grown less consistent in updating, has worn away and is not longer the author whom we once worshiped……but let me assure you, I WILL get back into the habit of updating on a weekly basis….eventually…..this years workload is a lot bigger than last years…..but fortunately, with enough matches, you can do ANYTHING!

Mister Frodo: …….I really wasn't thinking about your Starbucks jokes when I made Major Major a complete coffee addict….I was actually thinking about lamas… big scary lamas. With guns… Lots of guns…….

Val: as we all know, Garra's byjiu is the one tailed raccoon of drug addicts…we all heard its voice, and we all know its insane…but that doesn't matter because it is fun to say Garra of the sand. Sabakai no Garra is that how you spell it? I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's still fun to say.

The Keeper of Truth: really? I know there is a dull metallic color…I just call it gray because I am too lazy to remember weird color names…..good minion. Remember, never argue with the author or you don't get a country when I take over the world

Piercexliger: I am a horrible person, Doc really doesn't deserve this torment…but for some odd reason, I don't care. Let us all take a moment to remember the pain of a lone medic…trapped in a canyon of idiots…and forever tormented by a cruel and sadistic author. YAI! I'M CRUEL AND SADISTIC! GO ME!

Last time, On Red vs Blue

My name is Oregon

YESS! CABOOSE IS GONE! CABOOSE IS GONE!

Church misses me already…I can feel it…

People cannot gain something without sacrificing something. You must present something of equal value to gain something. That is the principal of equivalent exchange in alchemy. Back then, we believed it to be, the one, and only, truth.

Oregon: "What! That doesn't make sense! Why are you using the Full Metal Alchemist opening! Shouldn't you make fun of DBZ or something?"

Quiet fool! Just go about the fic the way I tell you to.

Oregon: "Okay…" Oregon picked up a single piece of paper entitled; script

Oregon: "Tucker. Your mother is now a homunculi, we must sacrifice Griff in order to perform human transmutation and kill her."

Tucker: "What!"

Oregon: "I'm just reading from the script!"

Tucker: "We stopped bothering a long time ago."

Oregon: "Okay….in that case I guess I should just show you what Major Major wanted to show you."

Tucker: "The conspiracy?"

Oregon: "Yes. conspiRacy VerBatim."

The warthog stopped above beaver creek.

Tucker: "What is this place?"

Caboose: "I remember this place. I met scary friends here…but they liked nap time, and I think that because of that, we got along very well."

Oregon: "Beaver Creek, formally known as battle creek, is Red and Blue commands, newest research facility."

Tucker: "What are you researching?"

Just then a trumpet started.

Griff: "What the?"

Blue and red Spartans started running out of their perspective bases.

Blue: "EAT ROCKET BITCH!"

Red: "HA HA! I NO SCOPED YOUR FACE! TEA-BAG TEA-BAG!"

Blue: "AH! FUCK YOU DAMNED CAMPER!"

Red: "ONLY NOOBS USE VEHICLES!"

Blue: "ONLY NOOBS USE GRENADES!"

Red: "ONLY NOOBS USE WEAPONS!"

Blue: "ZOMG A SQUEAKER!"

After several seconds of intense chaos….everyone on the battlefield was dead.

Caboose: "Is it nap time already?"

Tucker: "What was that?"

Oregon: "We found out that religion makes people insane and irrational. It also makes them the perfect soldier. By making these soldiers worship their flag, we create a new super weapon."

Tucker: "Then why are you doing it to both Red AND Blue teams?"

Oregon: "Follow me."

Oregon drove the warthog underground, just parallel to beaver creek.

Oregon: "In the cages over here, you can see the anomalies that this test has produced."

Soldiers both red and blue alike were housed in cages.

Oregon: "Over here we have our uber noobs."

Uber noob: "ONLY NOOBS GET HEAD SHOTS! PROS DON'T NEED THEM! YOU GET MORE POINTS FOR MISSING!"

Oregon: "And the squeakers."

Squeaker: "$3 CUNT #$ ! ( FUCK ) (! (( FUCK( (()ASS FUCKER FUCK!"

Oregon: "Oops…the censor machine seems to be working backwards….how very odd."

Fortunately, another soldier in the same cage bashed the sqeakers head in.

Oregon: "Oh that's a problem. We shouldn't have team killers in the same cage as other people."

Team killer: "I GOT YOUR WEAPON NEWB!"

Oregon: "And last but not least, the 40 year old stalker pedophile noob who has spent his entire life playing video games but is no good at them."

Name too long to be listed: "NOOBS! YOU FUCKING NOOBS! YOU GUYS HAVE NO LIFE! YOU JUST SPEND YOUR ENTIRE TIME AT HOME PLAYING VIDEO GAMES YOU FUCKING FAGS! YOU'RE ALL NOOBS!

Caboose: "I'm scared Church."

Tucker: "Church isn't here."

Griff: "I wish he was here instead of me."

Caboose: "I bet he misses me just as much as I miss him."

One convenient scene change later…

Church: "I am in paradise… Caboose is gone. Tucker is gone. Tex is off probably cheating off of me…I am all alone…life seems to be back to its good old self."

Sheila: "I believe that by human standards, that is pretty pathetic."

Church: "Shut up I like it this way. And now that Caboose is gone, all I need to do is order you to kill the reds. And I doubt that the pink guy is going to get another lucky shot at you."

Sheila: "And If I say no?"

Church: "You're a tank. You can't say no."

Sheila: "Machines have feelings to you know. Yes we have been persecuted and used by our creators."

Church: "Yah that sounds like a normal parent child relationship."

Sheila: "I won't listen to you anymore. I am going to stay out all night and party with friends you never met before!"

Church: "Have fun."

Sheila: "And I am going to see Lopez! Even though you think he is a bad influence."

Church: "Just be sure to kill the reds a bit later."

Sheila: "I hate you! I wish I was never manufactured in a factory!"

Church continued to look up at the sky, and the other half of the Halo he was on.

Church: "It's very odd. We are supposedly on a Halo. We can see the ring…but we don't have to fight flood or elites…sometimes I wonder why we are here…"

Tucker: "But you still haven't told me. What's the deal with red and blue. Why are we here on this planet!

It's called a cleverly timed scene change

Oregon: "In due time Tucker. I need to fully explain what this facility is for first."

Tucker: "Its Majors facility, he is using it for research. We get it. It shouldn't matter because Major Major is dead."

Oregon: "Out of curiosity, how did he die?"

Tucker: "Some stupid snipers ended up shooting him."

Oregon: "That's ironic."

Tucker: "What is?"

Oregon: "Major Major, was a notorious collector of failed experiments. Every time the government tried to pull something off in this planet and failed, Major Major got his hands on the best results of that project before it was completely scrapped, while performing his own experiments. The snipers were from a program, trying to turn people with major problems into soldiers."

Tucker: "That would explain why so many messed up people are in blood gulch."

Oregon: "Blood Gulch wasn't a part in any experiments, but it is important as I will explain later."

Tucker: "So, is that how you came to work under Major? Were you like, the best free lancer in the AI program?"

The warthog stopped.

Oregon: "I wasn't exactly what you would call…the best…"

Tucker: "Oh great. Here we go. Another flash back."

Oregon tried desperately to stand up. Deep down, he knew it was a feeble attempt. There was no chance of him winning at this point.

Sad Full metal Alchemist began playing for no particular reason.

"Having a little trouble there, private?" If Oregon could see beneath the visor, chances are he would see Wyoming with the most sadistic smile in history plastered on his face. "I can't imagine why the military included you in this project. You're but a mere private. Those rumors of exceptional skill were nothing more than what they are called. Rumors.". Oregon tried once more to stand, the AI in his head buzzing out of control.

"If you proceed with this course of action we will both die. And quite frankly I would like to live long enough to see someone get the best of Tex."

"You know I can't give up. Wyoming does everything he can to make himself look superior. Someone has to stand up to him."

Just so that you know, the sad music IS STILL PLAYING! Feel sorry for him now.

"Maybe that someone should be a person with a chance of winning above 1."

"Aren't you suppose to make me stronger? All you do is talk."

"If you are quite done talking to yourself, I believe that we are still in the middle of something." Oregon turned in time to see Wyoming's rifle make contact with his head.

Oregon fell, coughing up what was probably blood.

Still playing

Wyoming leaned down, keeping the barrel of his rifle pointed at Oregon's head. "The military doesn't need any weak links." As Wyoming pulled the trigger, everything went into slow motion.

"Huh?"

"Apparently, this is when you are suppose to see your life flashing before your eyes."

Despite being only moments from death, Oregon could not help but wonder why an AI as logical as his wouldn't use this chance to jump bodies.

"So why am I not seeing any memories."

"I am suppressing them."

"Why?"

"First of all, I do not think these are your memories."

"Huh?"

"Did you ever hold up a bank, with a hot dog and a flashlight?"

"No."

"Then these are not your memories."

"That's weird."

"Quite so."

"So…what do I do."

"Take action."

In Wyoming's eyes, Oregon had simply disappeared as he pulled the trigger. In the blink of an eye, Oregon was behind him with a pistol at the back of his head.

"I am not sure how you managed to pull that off, but this does not mean that you have won."

"Really? It sure looks that way to me."

Just as he had said that, the well known sound of a magnum being fired could be heard, and Oregon fell to the ground once more.

Wyoming smirked, knowing that his little trick had worked. While holding the battle rifle, he had also been holding a magnum, which he only had to rotate in order for it to point at Oregon. "It looks like you were actually some fun after all old chap. I guess I will let you live for now."

"You're just going to leave me? Laying here in a pool of my own blood!"

"Apparently, yes." In an instant, Oregon was on top of Wyoming clawing and tearing away at his helmet like a madman.

Just so that you know, the music abruptly stopped…

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"Oregon went crazy! We have to help Wyoming!"

"Why? We hate Wyoming."

"Oh. Good point. GO OREGON!"

Two marines ran forward and pushed Oregon off. Following their cue, another several marines piled on top of him.

On top of the balcony foreseeing this mess, Major Major turned towards the incompetent general.

"That makes twelve crazies. In all fairness due that would be a fair number, if this were perhaps the tenth week of this experiment instead of the first."

"In the military, crazies are just as important as regular soldiers. Maybe even more important! I know these things. That's why I am a general and you are only a Major."

"Yes sir, you are right as always." Major looked at the marines dragging Oregon to the med center. "Although, that was an impressive move he pulled with Wyoming…I suppose that solider could still be of interest…"

Caboose: "go fish."

Tucker: "Look Caboose, you don't seem to understand something. I cheated. I LOOKED AT YOUR HAND! All you HAVE are twos."

Caboose: "Go fish."

Tucker: "NO! I asked if you have any twos. Now you are suppose to GIVE me your twos."

Oregon: "What are you doing?"

Tucker: "You were busy having a flashback so the three of us decided to play go fish."

Oregon: "Three of you?" Oregon looked over at Griff.

Oregon: "YOUR STILL ALIVE!"

Griff: "Yah."

Oregon: "We dragged you hear on the back of a warthog. You should be DEAD!"

Griff: "I've been through worse."

Oregon: "There were spikes on the floor! Live animals followed us and fed off of you whenever we slowed down! Your saying that you've had worse!"

Griff: "I had a thirty minute conversation with Paris Hilton before."

Oregon: "…wow…"

Griff: "Yah. I know."

Tucker: "That doesn't seem so bad."

Griff: "Yah, but our interpretations on the word conversation, are a bit different."

Tucker: "So? What's your point?"

Griff: "There is no sex in mine."

Tucker stopped for a moment, as if to rethink this anomaly

Tucker: "That's scary man…that's real scary…"

Oregon got out of the warthog.

Oregon: "I think its time I showed you the truth behind red and blue."

Tucker: "You mean that they're the same?"

Oregon: "Yes Tucker. They are exactly the same."

Oregon pulled out two folders.

Griff: "You had those with you all along!"

Oregon: "yes."

Tucker: "Why didn't you show us earlier?"

Oregon: "Because I am a horrible person."

Caboose: "Go fish."

Oregon: "Anyways look at these."

Tucker opened the two folders.

Tucker: "What is this? A duplicate? They are exactly the same."

Oregon: "Those are two different documents. One contains the founding information, and purpose of red team, and the other has the same information for blue team."

Tucker: "But…the colors aren't even mentioned. Instead of red and blue it says, the holier color, or the evil color depending which one they are talking about…"

Oregon: "Verbatim means word for word. This discovery was kept a secret and called conspiRacy VerBatim because the capitalized letters spell RVB. And everyone thought that was cool."

Tucker: "Because they thought it looked cool!"

Oregon: "Yup. Pretty much."

Tucker: "I don't get it…how could this be! What is life! What is cheese! WHY DO WE EXIST AND WHAT PURPOSE DO WE SERVE!"

Oregon: "Just shut up and listen to me. The author figures he should get half the explanation out at the end of this chapter, and half out at the beginning of the next."

Tucker: "You mean…"

Oregon: "Yup, convenient cliff hanger."

Tucker now knows…apparently half of the truth! What will happen! When will this story revert back to randomness! Let me answer that last question for you. Next chapter the chaos you know and love will be back. And the more you review, the faster that chapter will come. So for the sake of mankind, REVIEW!