Chapter 4

Red team still exists

…………….I have no excuse for how late this was posted….nor any excuse as to why I have not read/reviewed the thousands of chapters that you (the reviewers) have written. I have been in a fan fiction slump, both writing and reading wise. And there is a lot to catch up upon.

XairangelX: Yai! It's a good thing when you can't stop laughing. The inability to breathe makes it easy for the author to know people liked his story, because ten thousand lawsuits come through the mail the following morning, due to people dieing while reading this fic….at least they died laughing

Drew829: fine fine. I will make you roflmao….although rolling around until your ass falls off sounds painful….more ways my fic can harm people yai! The humor has been dry so far because I wanted to experiment with the results of planning my fic out more than I usually do…which in this case, meant giving it a completely stupid and overly complicated plot.

Isaac Malott: Wait…stab has been glued to a train! I MUST SAVE HIM AND INADVERTANTLY FORGET TO READ YOUR FIC! HANG ON STAB! IM COMING!

Mister Frodo: Yes…yes cursing does indicate a lack of vocabulary or a lack of valid reasons to support what you are saying…so when I deliberately make a selective group of people curse a lot it can be assumed that I am making fun of them by saying that they have a lack of vocabulary, ideas, and intellect… basically its not ME that is cursing every other line, it's the noobs.

Clark Cradic: ………..well…..well….tobi is really Obito…so there! I bet you have no logic to contradict that! And no Shuukaku does not sound like he is drunk…he sounds like he is on crack. There is a difference…..and while we are on the subject of Naruto, THEY CENSORED OUT ALL OF THE BLOOD IN HAYATE'S DEATH!

Val: Because you feel like it. apparently. Yes, he distracted himself by banging his head against the wall repeatedly. I forgot he existed. 42. A dairy product. To say Chuck Norris jokes.

The Keeper of Truth: Yes. I was SO right about the baby being so carnivorous (I am ignoring the fact that this is obvious because I want to fell important) although… I imagined Doc would be fed on…weird…oh well I loved him in the newest episode. SO FUNNY! YAI FOR RVB! I must worship RvB by righting fanfictions with their characters so I do not have to use any thought process to make up original OCs….oh wait….I'm already doing that….

"Why…"

Tucker stood shoeless in the sea of shards that were once his hopes and dreams.

Each step he took was a welcome sting of pain as memories and emotions collided with his bare skin. Pain was clouded with relief, relief was clouded with misery. The only thing left to do was put the foot down once more.

Why is the author using such weird symbolism? WHY IS HE TYPING LIKE THIS?

Oregon: "Wow. The shock of finding out so much seems to have caused Tucker to go into a metaphor coma…"

Griff: "A metaphor coma? Isn't it a simile?"

Oregon: "No a simile is when you use the word like, a metaphor is…wait…no. Actually I don't know which is which."

Griff: "Does it really matter?"

Oregon: "Of course it does! The cures are completely different, each one potentially fatal if you use it on a person in the wrong type of coma!"

Tucker: "Red and blue are the same…red and blue are the same…"

Caboose: "I don't think Tucker is right about that. I learned in school that apples are red and blueberries are blue. Apples and blueberries don't taste the same, so red and blue can not be the same."

Oregon: "I am sure that in your own little world, that made a lot of sense."

Caboose: "But if chicken is orange, and everything tastes like chicken…doesn't that mean that the entire world is orange?"

Griff: "The only Orange thing here is my armor."

Caboose: "Which means…that you…are the heart of outer space…"

Griff: "…WHAT!" (A/N Gundam Wing rip off…the line made no sense in the anime either)

Oregon: "And more importantly, Chicken isn't orange…its sort of…what color is chicken?"

Griff: "Well, counting the skin or…after its cooked or…"

Oregon: "After, not counting skin."

Griff: "Its kind of tan…."

Oregon: "Maybe peach?"

Tucker: "So much pain…so much contradiction…"

Griff: "Oh that's right. Tucker's dieing."

Caboose: "Does that mean its nap time?"

Oregon: "Sure Caboose. Go to sleep."

Caboose: "Okay."

Caboose collapsed and lay on the ground unmoving.

Griff: "…weird…"

Oregon: "Anyways. You wanted to know more about red and blue?"

Griff: "Yah. You say they are the same?"

Oregon: "The red vs blue wars were originally made for the soul purpose of gambling. Almost like gladiator fights. However, since it was illegal to gamble on human lives the government set up a cover up. Something about the color of the flag that would represent the entire world."

Griff: "Isn't it green?"

Oregon: "Only a few people know that. Anyways, the original purpose was lost, until many years back, HE found out about why Red and Blue were originally made, and ended up becoming the mastermind about it all."

Griff: "The enthuses on HE seems to imply that HE is someone important."

Oregon: "Yes. HE died some time ago. But his descendant is still alive."

Griff: "I see…"

Oregon: "And actually…that's pretty much it. The real objective of Red and Blue has been kept secret ever since it has been found out. The government will eventually pick a side to win after they gamble enough money with other businesses and companies to win back all of the money they had lost in the war."

Griff: "So, they will help one side in particular win?"

Oregon: "Yup. Using the experiments that Major Major was in charge of."

Griff: "Oh crap here is another-,"

Major Major sighed and put down his Coffee cup.

"Sorry General, but the AI's are too violent. The experiment is being scraped. I will be spending my resources on a project to make random people with drug problems into elite snipers…and of course my side experiments of seeing if drinking ten pounds worth of caffeine a day will give me super human powers."

"Then I suppose we should kill all of the soldiers with AI's inside them."

"Or…we could remove the AI's from them, and use them as normal soldiers."

"I prefer the idea of unnecessary bloodshed… but fine, we will do it your way."

"Good. The overwriting process is already underway."

"DEAR GOD HELP! HELP! SHE'S GONE CRAZY! I REPEAT TEX HAD GONE CRAZY! KILLING EVERYONE! SHE-,"

The General looked down at a soldier in black armor shooting her way through the other soldiers.

"Wow major. Your idea has as much bloodshed as mine. I like your way of thinking!"

"… that's it. Screw you."

The major pulled out his pistol and shot the General five times in the head.

"No witnesses must be left alive."

Five soldiers rushed into the room, investigating the racket.

"One of our test subjects just ran in here and killed the General."

"Wait…a single soldier snuck past us, shot the General five times in the head, with the same type of bullet that the pistol your holding uses… and walked out…Without us seeing him."

"yes."

"Dear god! These test subjects are even more fearsome than we were told."

"Yes…indeed…none of the men are soldiers under out command anymore. They are all free lancers who have overstayed their welcome…execute order 66."

"Order 66?"

"Yes…order 66."

"There is no Order 66."

"Oh…I naturally assumed that the order where we kill our soldiers would be 66…"

"No our orders aren't even numbered."

"Then what is the order name?"

"Order, kill all of the old test subjects."

"Well that isn't very suddle."

"Well it works sir…"

"okay then… Execute Order, kill all of the old test subjects!"

"Yes sir!"

Oregon: "Wait, I wasn't there the entire flash back! How do I know that happened!"

Griff: "I don't know…but Caboose hasn't woken up yet and Tucker is still dieing…slowly."

Tucker: "I swim in a sea of pain, and though each wave pushes me down I foolishly rise up in an attempt to prolong my swim in the pool of life…which is a sea of pain by the way…"

Caboose: "Where's my teddy bear?"

Oregon: "Does everyone talk in their sleep here?"

Griff: "Sometimes, a conversation with yourself is the most intelligent conversation you could have, if the only other person with you is an idiot."

Oregon: "You know from experience?"

Griff: "No…Simmons tells me that all the time."

Oregon: "Your team at red base must be like a family to you."

Griff: "Yah…they kind of are like a family. We fight, Sarge tries to murder me. Simmons looks down at me. I am constantly harassed and looked down upon…isn't that what all families are like?"

Oregon: "Yah… pretty much. It's a shame that you will never see them again."

Griff: "I won't?"

Oregon: "Nope. You know too much."

Oregon leveled his Shotgun at Griff's head.

Griff: "Aw…shit."

Back at Blood Gulch, Sarge was going into fits.

Sarge: "My Griff senses are tingling! Someone else is having the glory of aiming a Shot gun at Griff's face… the humanity of it all!"

Simmons: "Sire, may I remind you that we are scaling the cliff on a single rope. If you keep having fits we will all fall to our deaths."

Sarge: "Which is exactly why Griff is on the bottom. His corpse will cushion our fall."

Simmons: "But sir! Griff isn't here remember? You got bored of having no one to torment which is why we are trying to dig our way through the top of the canyon."

Donut: "I don't get it. We already know there is a secret door just twenty yards away from us, why don't we go there?"

Sarge: "A real man makes his own secret tunnel! He doesn't use one already made by the enemy. That's the sissy thing to do!"

Simmons: "Sir, you do know that it will take us about five years to build a stable tunnel of working 24/7 if all we use are these spoons."

Sarge: "You can't use shovels on the side of a cliff!"

Simmons: "And it will go even slower since you insist on holding the rope up yourself instead of tieing it around the big rock that your standing on.

Sarge: "As a high ranking officer, it is my job to hold the rope so I do not have to spend any effort digging."

Simmons: "Why did we even climb the cliff? Why not make a tunnel on ground level!"

Sarge: "So we could fall and land on Griff."

Simmons: "But Griff isn't here!"

Sarge: "Hm…sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it…"

Simmons: "Yah. Pretty much."

Church: "Hey red team!"

Everyone looked down to see Church.

Church: "I have captured your base!"

Sarge: "Impossible. You could never get past the security."

Church: "What security?"

Sarge: "The security I told Griff to set up…"

Church: "…"

Simmons: "…"

Sarge: "He didn't do it, did he?"

Simmons: "Nope."

Sarge: "Well there is no point in capturing it if we are not there!"

Church: "I know. That's why I came out here to get you! I wanted to tell you that you are now prisoners of war."

Sarge: "That's absurd! I would never let you take me alive!"

Church: "Well, if you want to die, all you have to do is jump."

Sarge: "But if I jump on you, I may be able to live while severely crippling you!"

Church: "No. I'm a fare bit away. You can't jump far enough to land on me."

Sarge: "Perhaps if I were to make some kind of high tech flying machine that would allow me to fly above you before falling…I need to make a high tech flying machine! Be right back guys."

Sarge slid down the rope as Indiana Jones music started to play.

Then for no particular reason, he swung off the end of the rope, onto the warthog which was already moving towards his base for some unknown reason. And waved goodbye with a cowboy hat that seemed to have spontaneously appeared out of no where.

Church: "well…that was odd."

Donut: "When did Sarge take my Cow boy hat? And why didn't he do that earlier?"

Simmons: "I think we should be more worried about the fact that we are dangling above the Cannon, and the person who was securing us to the top rock so that we could do our digging just left…"

Donut: "You mean…"

Simmons: "Yup. The only thing holding this rope up, is irony and a bad joke on the authors part."

The laws of physics kicked in, and Simmons and Donut fell to the ground.

However, this was Halo 2 so they took no damage from falling 30 feet above the ground.

Simmons: "HA! We're alive! And its two on one blue!"

Church: "Why do you people always forget about the tank?" Church gestured to an empty space next to him.

Church realized there was nothing next to him.

Church: "Oh…that's right…she went to talk to her Spanish boyfriends head…"

Simmons: "HA! This means that their base is unguarded! Come on Church, lets go."

Church: "But Doc and the baby…"

Simmons: "What baby?"

Church: "…baby? I didn't say anything about the baby?"

Meanwhile in the blue base.

Doc: "Your just like any other little kid…I give you candy, and let you stay up as late as you want, and you don't devour my flesh."

Baby Elite: "…."

Doc: "Hey I think you should Brush your teeth befo-,"

Baby Elite: "BLARG! HONK HONK HONK!"

Doc: "…or…you could do something else…"

Simmons: "HEY BLUE TARDS! WERE HERE TO GET YOUR BASE!"

Doc: "Oh no…I didn't think they would attack as long as Sheila or Church were here…wait… where are Sheila and Church?"

Simmons: "Your tank is currently occupied and we have Church held hostage."

Doc: "Well that answers my question…"

Doc looked and the Elite.

The Elite looked back.

Doc: "Guess what little guy. It's feeding time."

Simmons and Donut walked slowly through the front door of the base, scanning every corner for a hidden enemy.

Simmons: "I move in on the right door, you move in on the left."

Donut: "Your left, or my left?"

Simmons: "We have the same left."

Donut: "Oh…got it."

Simmons: "Three, two, one…GO!"

Simmons and Donut jumped into the door ways, guns pointed into the middle of the room.

Simmons: "Hey. There's nothing here…"

Elite: "Blarg!"

Donut and Simmons looked at the open roof to see a small alien figure.

Donut: "Wait what is,"

Elite: "BLARG!"

Sarge was walking around the canyon, flying machine in had, when he heard odd yells and screams coming from the blue base.

Simmons: "IT HAS MY ARM! IT HAS MY ARM!"

Donut: "IT HAS MY LEG! IT HAS MY LEG!"

Simmons: "Wait! HOW CAN IT HAVE YOUR LEG AND MY ARM AT THE SAME TIME!"

Donut: "I DON'T KNOW! HELP US SARGE HELP US!"

Sarge: "Dear god. The blues have captured my two favorite soldiers! And are now being submitted to diabolical forms of torture!"

Church: "Actually…they captured me."

Sarge realized that Church was tied to a rock next to him.

Sarge: "You mean they tied you to this rock? I told them only sissies tie up things! I think I need to teach them a lesson."

Sarge cocked his shotgun.

Sarge: "The old fashion way."

ZOMG! Something resembling a cliff hanger! I bet no one expected that!...remember guys Read and Review, or uncle Sam will break your knee caps

Hope the end of this chapter was an improvement on the humor level of this fic.