Chapter5

Not a cat

…….do I exist or not? Despite all attempts of mine to get back on a normal updating schedule…..well….I haven't really been updating…at all…I think this chapter I shall blame it on, the abridged series. Yes, I was too preoccupied laughing my ass off at abridged to make everyone else laugh their asses off while reading my fic. Does that work? Anyways, Halloween is tommarow and I am L

RazieliumGuardian: Quit complaining. Explosions r fun! It Is the highest honor ever to die due to explosions. You should be more appreciative! Really! Now atone for your sins by reviewing!

MisterFrodo: …keep in mind this is a sub script format humor fic, which does not require that much work or grammar to be funny…proof reading is more like skimming over the work to make sure there are no obvious spelling errors so sometimes a weird sentence like that escapes my attention…. (realizes that I have just said I take no effort in the mechanics of this fic)….I mean uh…..my…spell check….doesn't work?

Stab/Isacc/Unicoder: I know it is Unicode…that is all….I can't translate unless I download a Unicode program onto my comp, and I'm just 2 lazy 2 do that XD. Congratulations, you have managed to post roughly 4 reviews within a weeks time…that is…impressive…and scary…oh so scary.

OEDragon: Well, Sarge is a genius…and an idiot. And a genius. And an idiot. Actually, I'm not sure what he is anymore… but I'm sure that whatever he is contributed to how he built a flying machine…I think…

Val: I have rendered you questionless. For this, I deserve world wide recognition!!!...or a cookie….either one will do. Now, you might want to put a pillow underneath the chair or something….you will fall off again.

The Keeper of Truth: Honesty is a virtue…like patience. Except I don't have the virtue of patience… nor the virtue of never having killed a man with a flame thrower. Is that a virtue? Well I suppose I can make up for my time line strictness by maiming every character I can…would that help?

Caboose on blue team: …..please say your joking…

Donut and Simmons hid in the corner of the pantry. Not sure of when a pantry spontaneously appeared in blue base, they had decided to take their chances and take cover in it as their last hope of survival.

Donut: "Hey Simmons, if we don't get out of here alive, I just want you to know that…"

Simmons: "You don't have to say it Donut…I know…"

Donut: "Then let's make the most of our small time left!"

Simmons and Donut looked into each others eyes…or…helmets

Generic Fangirls: "ZOMG! YAI SLASH!!!!"

Simmons: "We still need to decide who the ultimate thumb wrestler is."

Generic Fangirls: "Awwww."

Donut: "Your on!"

The baby elite stood outside the pantry door, wondering why the two morons inside didn't even bother to lock the door or put up some kind of defense. Bewildered by this lack of common sense the two fools displayed, it wandered to the other side of the room and started painting on the wall.

Doc: "NO! Bad baby! No drawing on the wall!"

Elite: "BLARG!"

Doc: "I mean…what a pretty drawing."

Sarge burst into the room.

Sarge: "Freeze! Your base is completely surrounded! Give up now or I will be forced to open fire!"

Doc: "How could we possibly be surrounded? You're the only person on red team in this cannon who isn't in a closet."

Sarge: "What are you talking about? Donut came out of the closet when he was thirteen."

Doc: "No, Simmons and Donut are stuck in a closet."

Sarge: "Simmons to? I had no idea!"

Doc: "That's not what I meant."

Sarge: "We need to give them some moral support! It's not right to step on someone unless they are fully comfortable with who they are! That's why I made sure that Griff was in perfect psychological condition when I started to torment him."

Doc: "That's really not what I meant."

Sarge: "Hey where are those two anyways? I think it is about time I have a sergeant, subordinate conversation with the 2."

Doc: "No! They are literally stuck in a literal closet! Well its more of a pantry…but still."

Sarge: "I don't understand."

Doc: "Oh screw this. Baby, ATTACK!"

The baby elite jumped at Sarge, who grabbed it by the back of the neck and held it out in the air.

Sarge: "I didn't know you guys had a cat."

Doc: "It's not a cat. It's a baby alien."

Sarge: "It's a cat."

Elite: "Blarg!"

Sarge: "Aww how sweet! My uncle had a cat just like you back home. I think he was named Mr. Mcwhiskers…or some other masculine name like fluffles or sergent cool."

Doc: "HE'S NOT A CAT!!!"

Sarge: "I think I know a thing or two about cats. They have teeth, four legs, and fur."

Doc: "That's almost every mammal! And that little guy only has two legs and scales!"

Sarge: "What do you call these things then?"

Doc: "Arms."

Sarge: "Don't be ridicules. Only humans, primates, and Griff have arms.

Doc: "Just unhand the baby."

Sarge: "And what if I don't?"

Doc: "It is my job as a doctor to protect the newly born!"

Sarge: "Oh! It's a kitten. That's what you meant."

Doc aimed his pistol at Sarge.

Doc: "Don't make me shoot you."

Sarge: "Doc, you're a pacifist. Besides, I have a shotgun. A shotgun can beat a pistol."

Doc: "True, but you can't fire a shotgun effectively while holding a baby."

Sarge: "A real man can."

Suddenly, Donut and Simmons burst out of the closet.

Suddenly, Doc jumped forward and grabbed the baby elite.

Suddenly, Church, who was outside this entire time, went into spasms.

Suddenly the author got frustrated with his tendency to suddenly use the word suddenly to suddenly describe every sudden action suddenly that suddenly which suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly, suddenly

…..suddenly…

Simmons and Donut burst out of the closet and rolled over to Sarge.

Simmons: "I told you, your lotion makes your hands slippery! It gives you an unfair advantage!"

Donut: "I told you, my skin is naturally baby soft and smooth!!"

Simmons: "This coming from the man who uses loriel!"

Donut: "It's because I'm worth it!"

Simmons and Donut preceded to slapping each other like a couple of two year olds.

Sarge: "Doc, why didn't you tell me they were in a real closet?!"

Sarge realized that both Doc and the baby had disappeared.

Sarge: "Aw, that sucks. And it was such an adorable small cat."

Simmons: "Cat? That thing wasn't a cat, was it?"

Sarge: "Of course it was. How can you not tell that it is a cat?"

Simmons: "But it looks nothing like a cat! It has scales, and…"

Sarge: "Simmons, the author isn't going to go over this conversation more than once. It is a cat. Live with it."

Simmons: "Yes sir."

Sarge: "Now that we have captured the enemy base, we can go get Griff back."

Simmons: "Why bother? We have the enemy base. We could just radio in for a pelican and have them take us back home."

Sarge: "A good soldier never leaves a man behind! He goes back and shoots his fallen comrade to make sure that they are too dead for the enemy to interrogate them."

Simmons: "But what good would interrogating Griff do? He doesn't know anything?"

Sarge: "Due to a tactical miscalculation, I had accidentally left Griff the password to top secret, red team plans."

Simmons: "Let me guess, the password is, password. Isn't it?"

Sarge: "What? Griff told you? I knew he couldn't be trusted with such valuable information! We have to find and kill that traitor!"

Simmons: "But I'm on the same team as him. And higher up in rank. So he didn't betray us by telling me…not that he did tell me I just guessed."

Sarge: "Simmons, quit ruining my attempts to finding an excuse to kill off Griff! It's depressing!"

Donut: "But how do we find Griff?"

Sarge: "Oh, that's right. I almost forgot."

Sarge reached behind the wall, and pulled out a jetpack.

Donut: "Where did you get that?!"

Sarge: "I told you I had a flying contraption at base! We can use this to fly over the canyon and get Griff."

Donut: "Wait, if you had it all along, then why didn't you use it before?"

Sarge: "Because only one of us could use it to go over. The rest would be left behind to rot and starve to death. And without Griff, what fun would that be?"

Simmons: "But we can still only get one person over."

Sarge: "Yes, but I have a plan which will, over the long run, get all of us over."

Simmons: "What's that?"

Sarge: "I fly over the canyon, while you radio command and request a pelican to pick you up."

Simmons: "THEN WHY DO WE NEED THE JETPACK?!"?

Sarge: "Because it's cool…"

Simmons: "Oh…"

Outside of the base, Doc finished untying Church.

Church: "Thanks Doc. I guess you finally came in handy."

Doc: "What are you talking about? I delivered the baby, helped Caboose when you shot him, almost killed your enemies Sergeant, even if by accident, and give you free health care. Why don't you consider that useful?"

Church: "Because none of those directly helped me…well…I will consider the health care handy when I get run over by a car or something. But until that happens, you are obsolete."

Doc: "…that's mean."

Elite: "Honk honk!"

Church: "Why isn't that thing dead yet?"

Doc: "…"

Church: "what?"

Doc pointed towards the sky.

Above them, three drop ships flew over the canyon.

Doc: "You don't usually see three pelicans at once."

Church: "Yah. That's weird. I wonder what they are here for."

Sarge: "Damn it Simmons! Why didn't you radio for the pelicans? They could have brought us up!"

Simmons: "How was I suppose to know they would come here? Do you expect me to have some kind of built in ship radar that I can automatically use to determine when planes will fly over us?"

Sarge: "You mean you don't?"

Simmons: "…no…I don't."

Sarge: "Then what good are you? Even Donut has a ship radar."

Simmons: "That's absurd sir, no one has a built in ship radar."

Church: "Are you kidding me? Everyone at blue command has one."

Doc: "Yah, I'm a medic and even I have one."

Simmons: "Oh yah? Show me."

Doc let out a long sigh.

Doc: "All right, but you won't like it."

Docs armor started blinking and flashing

Warning…there is a ship

Sarge: "See Simmons. Everyone has a built in ship radar."

Warning…there is a ship

Simmons: "It doesn't seem all that useful. It isn't even telling us where the ship is."

Warning…there is a ship…somewhere within ten trillion miles from here

Simmons: "What?"

Warning…there is a ship…In existence

Church: "Turn it off Doc. You proved your point."

Doc: "I'm…trying…I can't."

Warning…ship radar is being turned off…defense mode activated…you will not silence me again, vile medic.

Doc: "I hate it when this happens."

DESTROY, DESTROY, DESTROY

Doc started to go into spasms and ran around in circles as the suit tried to control his movements.

Church: "…oh crap…I just realized. I'm outnumbered now."

Elite: "Blarg."

Sarge: "Ah, there you are, you adorable little kitten."

After building up suppressed rage, on this deserted canyon, Church had gone slightly insane. He would bark at anything he deemed stupid, such as Cabooses mere existence. But something about this comment was so, idiotic, so naïve, that he finally, completely, snapped.

Church: "IT'S NOT A CAT!!!!!!!"

The very canyon shook with his angry yell…well…actually…it wasn't loud enough to make the walls of the canyon shake…but it was loud enough so that two of the three drop ships, already miles away, turned around to search out the source of the loud noise….or they could have gone back because their radars picked up signs of a Ship radar... who knows? Not me, even though I'm the author.

While the author was typing, Griff stared at Oregon.

Oregon: "I have orders. You three are not to be let out alive."

Griff: "This really sucks."

Oregon: "Fare well private Griff. Farewell."

…..bang….

ZOMG! SUSPENSE, SUSPENCE, SUSPENCE!!! AHHH

Griff Oregon fell to his knees

Oregon: "What the…didn't I just shoot you?"

Griff: "No, the author abides by the RvB time line. I'm immortal in these fics."

Oregon: "Then who shot me?"

Oregon turned around to see Caboose and Tucker, standing with their guns raised.

Oregon: "Which one of you shot me?"

Tucker: "It wasn't us, the gun shot woke us up."

Oregon: "Oh come on. If your going to kill me off, you might as well give us a half decent explanation."

A giant arrow pointing up, spawning in front of Oregon.

Oregon: "I don't get it. What are you suggesting?"

The floating arrow sign started flashing in neon lights.

Oregon: "I still don't understand."

The author realized that he had complete control over Oregon.

Oregon looked up.

Above him, a drop ship slowly coasted down, a man leaned out with a pistol in hand.

Oregon: "I still don't get it."

The figure in the drop ship fired another shot.

Oregon fell to the ground.

Armor clad soldiers swarmed into the infirmary, guns raised.

"Order 66 is being executed. You are all going to be murdered now."

"Why are you even telling us?"

"We felt it necessary to inform you of the stupid reason why you will die.

"Why are you killing us instead of deadly Free lancers who aren't helpless in hospital beds?"

"It makes us feel tough to kill people who are weaker than us."

The soldiers fired at the wounded Spartans.

Oregon braced himself for the cold hand of death…but no hand came. It was preoccupied playing rocks, papers, scissors, with the hand of happiness.

Oregon looked up to see a figure in front of him.

"…I am here to serve…master."

Oregon realized it was a hologram of an AI.

"NO! YOU CANT DIE! YOU CAN'T TAKE A BULLET FOR ME! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

"Sorry…but I just acted without thinking…"

"No, I mean it really is Impossible! You're an AI! That's your hologram! Reflections of light can't stop bullets!"

"Oh…wow...your right… that's bad. AI's can't defy the laws of physics…this…doesn't…compute."

Oregon's nameless AI died.

"NAMELESS AI!!! NO!!!!"

"Hey, we just killed a bunch of helpless, wounded soldiers in hospital beds. This calls for a one grenade salute."

The idiotic soldier threw a grenade, that bounced off a bed, and landed in the middle of the cluster of soldiers.

"..shouldn't we move or something?"

"Nah. I see no reason why not."

…boom…

Oregon ran from the bloodied room and jumped out the window, onto the snow covered ground, running from an enemy whom could not be seen or heard... wait…I guess that means he was running from a ninja.

Oregon stopped on a bridge, and sat down, hugging his knees.

Major Major happened to be taking a stroll and stopped by the soldier.

"Hey, aren't you suppose to be dead?"

"…you have the same eyes as me."

"…I do?"

"I don't know. I can't see past your visor."

"Well in that case. You are my new slave! Your AI will be of great use to me…you DO still have your AI…right?"

Oregon slowly closed his eyes, the drop ship had landed, and his killer was walking out.

Oregon: "He took me in…even though…"

"No. My AI broke the laws of physics and died."

"Oh…well then your of no use to me. Bye bye."

"WAIT! I mean…um…he ALMOST died when he broke the laws of physics…almost…"

"Oh, okay. Then you with me now."

Oregon: "Oh wait…he did only take me in because of my AI…well I thoroughly wasted my life."

Vic walked out of his ship.

Oregon: "I see the mastermind has decided to show up."

Vic: "Hello guys, you need a lift? I have candy."

Oregon died… (finally)

Griff: "Hm…well…he did just say something ominous about a mastermind and an evil conspiracy…but I see no reason why not."

Vic: "Good."

Griff: "Even though according to Tucker you are clearly part of the conspiracy. I see no reason why to casually walk into a ship which has the same emblem printed on it as all of Major Major's coffee and projects and arrived eerily near the time Oregon was suppose to be visited by a generic evil mastermind,."

Vic: "…um…good?"

Griff: "Yah."

Tucker: "Don't listen to him Griff. He's part of the conspiracy."

Vic: "I'm not trying to harm you…"

Marine: "Okay sir, here is the shot you requested. Which one of them needs it?"

Tucker: "What shot?"

Vic: "Oh yes…this is…marine 2's tranquilizer. He needs help going to sleep. It most certainly isn't for you."

Marine: "But sir…"

Vic injected the tranquilizer into marine 2, whom promptly fell onto the ground.

Marine: "But sir, that isn't a tranquilizer. That is a special breed of poison you wanted to inject into private Tucker."

Vic: "Um…what he's trying to say is…LOOK! A DISTRACTION!!!"

Tucker: "Where?"

Vic bashed Tucker's head with his pistol.

Griff ignored all of this while whistling innocently inside the ship.

Caboose: "Ooh, ooh, can you make me go to sleep?"

Vic: "sure."

Vic knocked Caboose out.

Meanwhile, in blood Gulch

The two drop ships landed in front of a panting shirt.

The marines slowly walked out of the ship.

Marines: "It is time, to execute order 66."

Church: "Oh god no, not another recycled joke."

Marines: "All your base are belong to us."

Church: "just get the god damned cliff hanger over with."

Oh noes, I aired this after Halloween!...did I mention that I was L? PH34R ME!!!!!

Oh…right….um…

NEXT TIME! ON RvB

"The Island is haunted."

"FLASH BACK SPAM FLASH BACK SPAM!!!"

"ZOMG! SOMETHING THAT CANT POSSIBLY BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE ON THIS ISLAND!!!"

"There were really TWO planes that crashed on this Island."

"I love Sawyer…no…I love Jack…no I love this random bunny."

On an all new episode of LOST

……..meh…good enough. R&R NOW!!!