Chapter Eleven

Recovering, Part1

AZ

Not mine, etcetera di blah. Go sue someone else. Sue that lot who took over West Wing. Or who were in charge of canceling Firefly. They deserve it.

The rucksack lay undisturbed. It had been placed inside the door of his room and the door carefully closed by Donnie. His room lay undisturbed too- just the way he had left it (i.e. a mess). Donnie watched his family grieving and it broke his heart to see how badly they were coping. They were falling apart and he was desperately worried.

His first plan had been to lock the rucksack in with all the rest of the things that showed another person had ever lived there until such time when they could all cope with seeing them. Looking at his family in the state they were in was forcing him to admit that it had not been the best way to go.

Leo was doing everything in a stony, mechanical silence. His eyes were distant and hard and the only thing he really concentrated on was his training. Donnie had to sometimes force him to eat or drag him away from the dojo and point him in the direction of bed. He was like a stranger to his own brothers.

Splinter had also withdrawn from his sons and that scared Don too. He wished Splinter would understand that they needed him- Leo especially needed him. But their master had aged years in the last few days and for the first time, Don saw the uncertainty within his father. He seemed almost…lost at sea. He would make it back to shore again eventually- he was making headway, but Don feared that by the time Splinter recovered enough to help his sons, Leo and perhaps Raph would be long past the point of his aid.

Raph, too. He had disassociated almost completely from his brothers- going out in the early evening and not returning till late morning, when the family were in bed. Or he'd be gone days at a time. He was like a ghost within the layer- never speaking to the others and hardly ever there. Just another locked door. Don could feel the animosity between his two elder brothers though and was worried about the rift building there.

There was no laughter in the Lair.

Even himself. He knew that though he might be dealing the 'best', he was by no means recovered. He knew he needed time to mourn too. But with things so fraught, it was all he could do to try stop his family imploding. He was the only thing currently holding them together at all and if he were incapacitated- whether by grief or just leaving (which he sometimes dearly longed to do) then he knew the family would disintegrate. He was holding them together by being perhaps the most stable thing in the house. He was the neutral line between Raph and Leo on the occasions that they did meet. He made sure Leo and Splinter took care of themselves and that Raph didn't get into too much trouble. He was stretched as thin as a cord and was terrified that if things went on much longer he would snap.

He stood outside the door and took a deep breath. No-one had opened this door in the week since the phone-call. But it had to be done.

He opened the door and stepped inside, leaving it open behind him, and looked around. It was like his brother had only stepped outside and would be back in a few minutes to tease Don and perhaps invade his Lab in revenge for his entering his room. There was so much of his personality here that it was hard to believe that…that he was…not coming back. Even in his thoughts the word wouldn't come. He frowned and closed his eyes against the stinging.

Mikey is dead, he forced the words through his head. There. He'd said them. He swallowed sharply and turned to the backpack, leaning against the wall and stared at it. Hell, he wasn't ready for this either was he? No, whether he was or wasn't, it had to be done. And currently, he was the only one able to do it. He just hoped this worked.

He slowly unfastened the cord that held the little 'sack closed and began taking things out mechanically. On top was the bundle of stuff that they had been given- his brothers modified dress blues- he hadn't had a normal uniform but they had been unyielding on the subject of the formal uniform. He looked at it with a wry smile on his face- man, that did not look comfortable! Then a sketchpad- a lump came into his throat and he carefully laid that aside, deliberately not looking at that for longer then necessary. Under that he felt something metal. Metal links. He pulled out the weapons favoured by his brother and this time really did lose it.

He sat there for a few minutes, holding the worn but polished nunchacku and not bothering to wipe away the salty water trickling down his face. He felt that same mix of emotions that he'd been holding back for the past week- grief, anger- at the Army who didn't protect his brother, at his brothers and father for not helping each other- for not helping him, and even- here he felt sick- even at his brother, his youngest brother, for getting himself killed and leaving him and his family like this. Fro the first time he didn't force the feelings away. He was too tired this time. His analytical mind went through each emotion, dispassionately examining each one from all sides and discarding it. But when it got to the fury at his brother, even his scientist's mind couldn't quite cope.

"What are you doing?" came a voice from behind him.

Shocked.

Furious.

Leo.

In a way he was glad that Leo had found him- this was sort of what he'd been hoping for. That Leo would show some sort of emotion- anything! Although he had to kinda wish it hadn't been fury.

"What do you think, Leo…?" he replied quietly. "I'm going through his stuff. I'm doing what we should have done a week ago, instead of locking it all away like he never existed."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Low. Dangerous. But with a hint of uncertainty?

"You know what I mean Leo! So help me, you damn well know! Look at yourself! All locked away in your little shell- your hiding place where you don't have to talk to anyone- to any of us! You've said barely five words all week! Raph needs you but you're pushing him away- Leo, Sensei certainly needs you- you Leo, not the ninja, not the leader, you! And you're doing damn all to help there! And…and I've tried to cope, Leo, I really have."

Here he felt his voice quaver, going high and gulping as he let the repressed words flow out of him.

"Getting you and Sensei to eat, getting Raph to sleep, stopping you and Raph from killing each other- do you think I haven't seen what you two are like around each other? I can't do this any more, Leo! I…I'm cracking up too- why do I feel that I've not only lost…lost Mikey but am losing the rest of you too?" His voice which had raised to almost incomprehensible shouting level ended in a whisper. He could now feel tears streaming down his face as he ranted and sank exhausted back to the floor. He felt drained, empty. He hadn't meant to lose control, but that was it. He couldn't do it anymore.

He could see a green blur in the distance, through the shimmering mask over his vision. It hesitated and Don despaired. He'd lost his brother now. Suddenly there was a cautious hand on his shoulder and someone was speaking to him in a low soothing tone as he shook. He wondered was it just his imagination that the hand was shaking as much as he as before realising that the terrible, deadly calm that had engulfed his brother had snapped. He was crying too.

He didn't know how long they'd sat there together but he remembered that together they'd gone through the rest of the contents of the backpack. There wasn't much. Donnie opened the sketchbook curiously and gasped. There was himself on the page, captured amazingly well. He was engulfed in a project and he remembered the occasion- about a month before Mikey had left, when he was drawing everything and anything.

"Leo- look at this." he said and his brother silently came to look over his shoulder. Don was surprised by a low chuckle from behind him. A green finger pointed out some small scrawled words at the bottom of the page.

"Mad Scien… Hey!" read Donnie with a shaky laugh. "Am not!"

"Are too!" retorted Leo. "Here- let's see the next one."

He flicked over the page to reveal Raph. The turtle seemed about the step off the page (probably to beat the artist into a pulp). It was so lifelike though that Don was shocked. The next was a group sketch- all the family at dinner…well, except the person drawing. And…yes, there was an empty spot at the table. The same one as there would be nowadays…if they ever ate at that table anymore, that was. He turned over that page quickly. A couple of pages with beginnings of drawings of a turtle with blades in his hands- roughly scribbled over. Then finally a finished picture of Leo practising. He had captured the look of peaceful contemplation and fierce concentration at the same time.

"Wow…" muttered Leo softly. "Do I really look like that?"

"Yeah- he got you perfectly…" Leo was fascinated by the picture but allowed Don to turn over. There were a few more pictures of the Lair, including one of Master Splinter, before they got onto less familiar subjects.

"I wonder who she is?" asked Leo softly, his finger tracing the delicate lines on the page without touching the paper. The picture showed a young woman- maybe about twenty, blonde and lovely, but with an unmistakable icy hardness about her that made her difficult to define.

"Glacier." replied Donnie, remembering Mikey's letters. "Who else could it be?" The next showed another good-looking young woman with a face full of character, though with none of the astonishing beauty of the first. This was followed by another picture of the same woman only this time she looked angry or excited and a pair of full wings sprouted from her back. She was magnificent. Several more people came off the page and Don had a lump in his throat as he realised that these were done in the last few weeks of these peoples' lives. As he closed the sketch pad several sheets fell out and fluttered to the floor. Leo bent to pick them up.

"They're letters…" he said in tones of surprise.

"Dear Sensei, Leo, Raph and Don…" he started to read before Don stopped him. "This is something that everyone should hear- wait till Master Splinter and Raph are here." Leo tensed at the mention of his brothers name and Don sighed, dropping the arm.

"Look, I can't help you sort out whatever the problem is between you two, but will you please…" he shook his head, suddenly angry and tired again. "Ah, what the shell- it's not like you two didn't fight all the time before. Why should you stop just because…because Mikey's dead?" He turned away and walked out of the room with the letters, leaving a shell-shocked Leo behind.

Shortish one this time. Just wanted a Leo/Don scene with how they're coping and the explanation.

I'm in Uni and am finding time to write hard to get. But I haven't deserted this fic- or Just Another Day.

Please review and give me the support to keep going with this one!

AZ