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Day 5
After a long, painful hour in the Admiral's bathroom Laura Roslin wasn't sure she would be able to make it to the Presidential address Adama had arranged for her. As she hunched over the head she thought to herself it was now or never, literally. Letting the people see her one last time was important, for her and for them, but she wasn't about to let them see her in this condition.
"Laura, are you alright?" Adama asked through the bathroom door.
It was perhaps the most ironic question she had ever been asked. She remembered the first time she had gone through this. Back then Billy was the one standing outside her door.
"I'm fine," she choked out with as must enthusiasm as she could gather; "I'm only dying."
Her joke was too morbid to draw a laugh from Adama. She heard the golden knob rattle as he tried to enter. She had locked the door and made no move to open it. If the matter could be helped, Roslin's pride didn't want Adama to see her like this. True, he had seen her at her worst before, but she still had her dignity.
"Unlock the door," he growled. He could be such a man sometimes.
"I'll be out in a minute," she replied.
There was silence, and then she heard the door rattle with more force. Once she felt strong enough she got to her feet and turned on the water. She splashed her face a few times and searched Adama's cabinet for something to take the taste out of her mouth. When she saw herself in the mirror she was alarmed. Compared to how she felt inside she looked pretty darn good on the outside. Composed, polished, Presidential…not like a dying woman at all.
"Laura, let me--"
Adama started to say but Roslin pulled open the door before he could finish. She gave him a look that said she was determined to die with as much pride left in tact as possible.
"…help you," he finished quietly. He extended his hand to her and she took it gratefully.
Walking was getting more and more difficult. Without Dr. Cottle even telling her she knew this would probably be the last day she ever spent on her feet. She wanted to conserve as much energy as possible in order to present a brave front to the fleet. News of her cancer hadn't been broadcast. In fact, aside from the man in the room only four other people knew how short her time was.
Dr. Cottle, Lee Adama and, Roslin figured by now, Kara probably knew too. As soon as Adama had delivered the news to her, Roslin immediately told Tory, in order to start making the proper arrangements. Roslin thought Tory had taken it well, until she later saw the red puffy eyes of her assistant.
There was only one more person she was going to tell, Galen Tyrol. From the repairs being needed to the ships in the fleet due to the constant travel Roslin hadn't been able to find a moment of time to talk to him without raising suspicions. The rest of the fleet would find out soon enough. Her hope was the pain of her death would be eased by the discovery of Earth. The people would soon forget her in order to begin their new lives. That was as it should be.
Adama lead her to the hatch and before opening directed her gaze to a wheelchair he had stashed in the corner. She pulled back from his arm and glared at him. Maybe he was only concerned with her well being, but she knew if she sat in that chair now she wouldn't be getting out of it. Adama seemed to understand her reaction, though he wasn't pleased.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked, taking both of her hands in his.
"Yes," she said lifting her chin, "…and maybe other thirty years with you in our cabin, but I wouldn't want to be selfish."
Adama smiled faintly at that joke. Roslin met his eyes and tried to will him into actually laughing but the pain of the subject was written on his face. Dying wasn't so bad, but seeing the pain in Bill's eyes was nearly unbearable.
She leaned forward and kissed him gently for a lingering moment. It reminded her of the first time he had kissed her onboard Colonial One after she had promoted him.
"I'm ready," she informed him, taking his arm. He opened the hatch and helped her step through.
She presented herself to the waiting audience of officers and reporters as if nothing was wrong. She pulled away from Adama's arm as the applause pulled her to the stage. From the way he held onto her hand she knew he wanted to help her to the podium, to make sure she didn't collapse, but Roslin had warned him that would look suspicious. There were too many good reporters still left in the fleet.
The clapping filling the room didn't die down once she was standing in front of the microphone. Her speech was to be broadcast throughout the entire fleet. Being in front of so many people didn't make her nervous, but worrying about her strength giving way during the speech did. Finally, after what seemed liked ages, the audience quieted and Roslin could begin her statement. She looked out over the audience. Kara and Lee were standing side by side, both in dress uniform. Long sashes were draped across their chests. Roslin looked out to see all of the officers wore the same outfit. She smiled at their respect for her.
Unable to focus on them without feeling her heart in her throat, Roslin picked a point at the far end of the hanger deck. With a deep breath, she gave her farewell to the people she served.
"One hundred years ago our people united and fought in a war. They fought for their homes and families. They fought for the free land in which they lived. But now, our lands are gone. Our families have been torn apart. Our homes have been destroyed in the wake of a powerful enemy that threatens the survival of our very species.
"Despite all of this, we united together again. Through our differences and heartache and fear, we proved to our enemies that the human spirit is more than just a desire for wealth and power. Despite the mistakes we've made we have proved hope for a new and better tomorrow can see us through anything. Let us turn from the cup of bitterness and hatred. Let us remind ourselves that at the end of all things, we are human. It is our greatest strength and our greatest fault.
"Earth is days away. Hope and human spirit led us here. When the Thirteenth Tribe asks, what was it we wanted most? We will answer victory. Victory; no matter how long the journey; no matter how high the costs. Without victory, there is no survival.
"Admiral Adama once posed the question, does humanity deserve to survive? I venture to say yes, we do. And we will survive. We will live on. Our spirit, the human spirit, cannot be crushed. Victory is ours. So say we all."
Laura Roslin had never understood the phrase 'not a dry eye in the house' until she peered out over the audience. There was a silence before the wild applause and cheers. A silence filled with memory and hope and weariness and joy. Roslin never believed herself to be a great public speaker but from the reaction of the crowd she must have said something moving and profound. She nodded and smiled humbly. Grateful her last words would, perhaps, be memorable.
Her eyes landed on Kara. The girl was clapping fiercely and doing nothing to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. Laura's heart leapt to her throat. Kara was so brash and untouchable. The emotion on her face stabbed Laura right in the heart. Either that or she was feeling a cancer pain.
Lee Adama, at Kara's side, seemed more composed, though he wasn't looking at Roslin as he clapped. Laura wondered if she would be out of line to ask Apollo if he would take care of his father once she was gone.
The reality of the cancer was being to sink in. Though she tried to ignore it, her strength was gone. There was nothing left keeping her standing but sheer will power. She knew she wouldn't be able to walk away from the hanger deck with the dignity she had hoped would be afforded to her. Once quick glance over her shoulder at Adama was all it took. He understood and was immediately at her side. Subtly he slid his hand under her elbow for support.
"So say we all," he whispered in her ear as he began to help her down.
Her legs went numb and she stumbled causing the applauding audience to suddenly gasp. Oh, lovely. This was exactly what Roslin didn't want. One slight stumble and all was lost. It was only a matter of time before the questions would start coming and she knew Adama wouldn't lie about her illness.
Adama nodded to Dr. Cottle who brought the wheelchair around for Roslin. Perhaps, they wouldn't have to ask questions. The wheelchair made things pretty clear. As she slowly lowered herself into the chair she had to let a part of her life go. It was painful, and she hated being under the scrutinizing eyes of the press and Galactica Officers while she endured it.
"I need to see the Tyrols," Roslin told Adama frantically as he bent down to talk to her from behind the wheelchair.
By now Galen and Cally must have guessed something was wrong, and she hated not having the time to tell them in person. She hadn't planned on being so weak so soon.
"I have a surprise for you," Adama said mysteriously and lingered as if he was smelling her hair.
Roslin smirked. She wasn't sure how many more surprises she could handle today.
Adama straighten his posture and nodded to Saul Tigh, who was standing next to Kara and Lee. Tigh turned and barked out orders.
"Officers, fall in line," he ordered.
There was a shift in the crowd as the crew formed two straight lines facing each other down the length of the hanger deck. Roslin had to swallow hard to stop herself from letting tears fall. She had never known very much about military protocol but she knew what this meant.
There wasn't a man woman or child on the Twelve Colonies who hadn't heard of the Zeus Tribute. The Tribute had only been used a few times throughout Colonial history. The military rarely bestowed its highest civilian honor on anyone. Only the most powerful and influential figures in history received such praise. Roslin was shocked to find herself on the receiving end of it now.
Adama pushed her chair forward, between the lines of his officers, each with a hand held to their forehead. From the stricken looks on the faces of the officers, Laura knew that her secret was out. They stood at attention, giving her the dignity in her final appearance that Adama must have suspected she wanted.
She smiled at as many of the officers as would make eye contact with her. Trying to reassure them they would survive even if she didn't. Adama stopped her from moving forward and she looked up to see Tyrol standing in the line on the right. He didn't look at her and she was sure if ever she had something he shouldn't forgive her for, this was it. How could she keep news of her death from her own son? She had few regrets in life, but Galen Tyrol was one of them.
Instead of ignoring her spitefully, as he had every right to do, he stepped out of line and moved behind her. She felt Adama's presence move to the background and Galen resumed pushing her down the line of officers. Adama must have told Tyrol. They must have arranged this for her. Roslin put a hand to her mouth, trying to contain her emotions for the journey down the rows. When the hardened military soldiers of Adama's crew couldn't keep tears from falling from their eyes, it was a wonder Roslin managed to maintain her Presidential exterior. She was as strong as any of them and they knew it now.
When Tyrol reached the end of the rows he turned Roslin around to face them. Adama stood in the middle, facing Roslin.
"Company, unpin," Tigh ordered again.
This time, all the officers, including Adama, unfastened the sashes around their uniforms and with one unanimous movement bent down to lay them on the ground. The military was offering not only their loyalty, services and decorations; they were offering something much more valuable. They were offering her their respect. How she, Laura Roslin, the unlikely Secretary of Education turned President, gained the respect of the military was beyond her. If there was ever a moment she felt she could die in peace, this was it.
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Day 3
"I don't give a fig what Dr. Cottle says," Roslin argued.
For a dying woman, she certainly could put up a fight. Ever since the speech, Roslin hadn't been strong enough to return to Colonial One, so naturally, Adama offered her his quarters. He was glad for the excuse to have her so close by. He had hardly left his quarters for the past two days. Roslin was deteriorating faster than he expected. Cottle wanted to move her to the Life Station, where he could monitor her around the clock. He also told her she would probably only have one or two more days of coherency before her speech and reasoning skills would fail.
Her reaction was to snort and reply, "I'm going to die, anyway. If I have to do it anywhere, then it's here."
Of course, her words sank into Adama's heart and he saw no reason to move her if she didn't want to be.
"How close are we to Earth?" she asked, rapidly changing the subject.
He hadn't been in the CIC enough to be a complete expert on the subject but after pulling up a comfy chair to her bedside he answered.
"Gaeta tells me we can jump in three days," Adama said.
He wanted to plead with her to hold on long enough to see Earth. From the look in her eyes, he could tell she was thinking the same thing. Her face grimaced over with pain. These were the times he wished she would go to the Life Station. Slowly he sat down and removed his glasses, placing them on the table at the side of his bed near some scattered papers Roslin had been working on. She was still working up to the very end. He frowned.
"We both know you should be preparing for the jump instead of being here," Roslin said looking at him over the rim of her glasses.
"My crew can manage without me for a few days," he replied solemnly.
He almost added, but how am I going to manage without you for the rest of my life?
With a shaking hand Roslin removed her glasses. Her lips formed a pale line and her eyes stared at him pleading.
"Bill," she began hoarsely, "There are a few things I need to say."
"I know," Bill answered. She must not have believed he really did know, because she continued.
"The first time I—" she started but he interrupted her, wanting her to save her breath for more important things.
He reached into his pocket and touched the golden band inside.
"When we danced on Colonial day," he answered, proving to her he really did know what she had to say.
"When I first knew," Adama continued taking her hand, "was when I saw you like this on Colonial One. You just kept right on working, even though Dr. Cottle was about to have a coronary."
Roslin smiled and her eyes lit up with his image.
"You made me Admiral of the Fleet," he said humbly.
Something about his words must have affected her deeply. She drew her hand back and turned her head away. Before she faced away he saw her eyes glistening.
"Admirals have the power to marry anyone on a long term flight," he said.
That got her attention. He smiled, pleased with himself. He knew she would perk up at the mention of marriage.
"I would say this is short term," she replied monotone.
Bill didn't know if she was talking about the remaining days to Earth or her remaining days to live. Of course, whichever she was thinking really didn't matter. With two fingers and a thumb he pulled the ring out of his pocket.
"I couldn't find any gold, so I had them melt down my Admiral's pins to make this ring," he explained.
She only stared at him blankly. For knowing her so well, sometimes he had no frakking idea what she was thinking. He shifted nervously in the chair. The situation was a surprise. Adama hadn't expected he would be nervous but the longer Roslin stared the more nervous he became.
"All you have to do is say yes," he said, after the silence finally got to him.
Maybe she didn't see the point in marrying him now. She had said that before, about Adar. I really didn't see the point in marrying anyone, her words popped into his mind from no where.
"Bill," she began.
He leaned forward, hoping against hope. Her eyes were at least full of compassion, so if this was going to be a rejection at least it would be a nice one.
"I will be dead in three days. It's not fair for me to marry you now."
Bill lowered his head to the ring in his hands. This wasn't a rejection. This was her own fear. Even on her deathbed Roslin was trying to protect him from heartache.
"The rest of humanity will have years of happiness on Earth…give me three days Laura. You've given your people a future, let me have the present."
At that moment Laura could no longer maintain the composed emotionless gaze. The professional presidential façade fell away and she reached out for his hand. With her other hand she quickly brushed away the silent tears trailing down her high cheekbones.
"You have a measure of greatness in you Bill Adama. You are the best man I have ever known," she said.
For a moment she didn't look sick. Her face had a little more color, her voice was a little stronger, her grip a little tighter. She didn't just say the words, she seemed to feel them throughout her entire withering body. Bill found it difficult not to shed tears of his own. Without needing anymore encouragement he slid the ring onto her finger and clasped her hand in both of his. They remained that way for a few minutes, simply looking at each other.
Laura Adama. Bill had always liked the sound of it. By simply making her his wife, as he had a right to do as Admiral of the fleet, he suddenly saw her in a whole different way. Walking hand in hand with her down some sparkling beach on Earth like the ones on Caprica. Sharing a picnic with her on a hot bright day under a large shady tree. Watching the natural light of Earth's sun change her hair different tones of red and brown as she laughed at the edge of the glass clear lake. Smelling mint and vanilla everywhere he went.
Laura's violent coughing shattered the images racing through his mind. He would never have those memories with her. His last picture of her would be this. A woman of great power and intelligence and influence, weakened and diminished by the illness wracking her body. Her face was filled with pain. If only there where some way to transfer that pain. Adama wanted to feel the physical ache of it. He wanted to drown out the hollow dull emptiness eating him up inside.
"I'm glad, Bill," she began her voice ragged but her face trying to smile, "I'm glad it all happened the way it did. The cylon's led me to you, and for that, I can never repay them."
Though her words were romantic her eyes suddenly became steel cold. Adama was somehow comforted to see her iron will was not affected by the physical ailments destroying her life force. She stretched her hand out to the table by his bed and handed him a paper. He took it but did not unfold the white pages.
"I can't repay them but I can right certain…" Laura trailed off as if searching for a word. She must not have found it because she continued speaking.
"My last official act is a Presidential Pardon to the Sharon Valerii model married to Agathon."
Bill was extremely surprised but he didn't let it show. He remembered what Laura said Bianca had told her. Sharon would bring peace to the cylons and humans. Maybe she would, after all.
Another few minutes passed. Laura closed her eyes and smiled as she twisted the new ring on her finger. The sight made Adama wish he could just sit and watch her forever. He knew there were others that needed to see her. Her energy for conversation was wearing thin.
"The children are waiting to see you," he said.
Laura opened her eyes and regarded him with confusion.
"Children?" she repeated with shock.
Adama forced himself not to chuckle at the alarm and panic in her voice.
"Yes, five of them," he explained, "you've been busy…"
She laughed out loud but still seemed confused.
"Lee and Kara, Tyrol and Cally, and Tory. They are all waiting outside to see you," he said. The smile faded from her lips quickly. "Should I let them in?"
"No," Roslin told him firmly. "It's too much like saying goodbye."
"It is goodbye, Mrs. Adama," he choked out.
He took a deep breath and reminded himself never to talk like that again. Mentioning the end of her life and calling her by his name in the same sentence was like a stab in the heart. Laura squeezed his hand and gave him a him a look with sympathy and terror combined.
"Besides, it's not for you, it's for them," he finished once his voice was stronger.
"Three minutes of being married to me has made you too bossy," she joked.
"You like me bossy," he said, lifting himself from the chair. Roslin smirked.
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Kara Thrace sat on the grey steel floor outside Adama's door with her elbows resting on her knees. Her eyes followed the outline of Lee's shadow on the floor as he paced from one end of the corridor to the other. Occasionally her eyes would divert to the couple across from her.
Cally was sitting by Tyrol on a black storage trunk, her head resting on her husband's shoulder and baby in her arms. Kara watched them with curiosity. Why the hell was Tyrol so interested in Roslin? Obviously he was more concerned than the average civilian or he wouldn't be here now. She stared at them, trying to unravel the mystery, but finally gave up after an hour or so.
Tory Foster had shown up about fifteen minutes ago. Kara was pleased to see the prissy girl kept her distance. Tory stood at the far end of the hallway, frantically jotting down notes in her black folder.
As Kara watched the 'mourners' she wondered why she was there. She had never been particularly close to Roslin. True, she wanted the President to see her with Lee, but not like this. In her heart of hearts, Kara wanted the old man and Roslin to dance together at her wedding to Lee. When Adama came out that door he would let the group in to say goodbye. Kara didn't think she had any right to waste Roslin's last moments. Maybe she would just wait right here on the floor until Lee was finished.
The heavy hatch door opened and Adama stepped into the hallway. The look he wore was one she hadn't seen since the day of Zak's funeral. Despair.
Lee stopped pacing. Tory glanced up from her notebook. Cally lifted her head from Tyrol's shoulder. The old man's eyes landed on each of them.
"You can go in," he said.
No one moved. All eyes stared at the old man for a few minutes. Kara heard Tory's notebook slap shut and with determination she pushed passed Adama through the doorway.
Tyrol and Cally exchanged solemn faces and got to their feet following Tory's lead. Lee was right behind them. He stopped in front of Kara and reach out his hand into the air above Kara's legs. She had no choice but to take the offered hand and be lead into the room.
Once everyone was inside Adama closed the hatch. Kara tried not to look over Tyrol's shoulder and through the breezeway that lead to Adama's bed but her eyes betrayed her. To see Roslin laying their, sick, helpless, vulnerable, made Kara sick to her stomach. An overwhelming feeling of dread and depression made her turn her eyes away.
Kara didn't want to be here. For a moment she considered spinning around, flinging the hatch open and escaping down the hallway. Apollo sat down at the table near the kitchen area and Starbuck was glad for an excuse to turn her eyes away from the bedroom. Tory, with full bravery and will, was the first to walk into the bedroom and say her last goodbyes to Roslin.
A light conversation about Adama's artwork broke out around Kara, but she knew everyone was thinking about what they would say to the President on her deathbed. The longer it took, the more uneasy Kara grew. She really shouldn't be here. This was for family, and she wasn't family.
Tory finally came back into the main room, a hand wiping tears from her face. She wasn't able to speak, but nodded and with shaking hands quickly opened the hatch and left the room. Kara was alarmed. The prissy briefcase was usually always so detached.
The Tyrols made their way to the bedroom next. Every once in a while Kara would steal a glance away from Adama and Apollo to look into the room. She couldn't hear what they where saying, but Cally was letting Roslin hold Nicholas and Tyrol watched with his eyes brimming. Kara hated being emotional. Frak. This situation was bad. She wanted to get out. What was she going to say? What do you say to a dying person?
Apollo must have had some idea what the Tyrols were doing, because he kept his head lowered and gaze averted from her as he spoke in hushed tones. They soon left Roslin's bedside and exited the same way Tory did. Galen had his arm around Cally as they slowly walked out of the room with heads hanging. Kara watched the interaction and soon met Adama's gaze. He gestured with his hands and Kara followed the Adama men into the dreaded room.
Her hands were sweaty and her mouth dry. She wasn't strong enough to face this. The closer she got to Roslin the more blank her mind became. Apollo sat in the chair beside the bed and Kara stood behind it. Maybe she could hide and Roslin wouldn't notice her. Lee took one of Roslin's hands as Adama watched.
Words seemed useless at this point. Roslin and Apollo were both contented just to look at each other, letting their eyes do the talking. They had a connection that Kara just didn't understand. Correction, Kara understood it perfectly, and she was a little jealous that Tyrol and Lee both were closer to Roslin than she was.
"May we have a moment," Roslin finally asked, looking up at Adama.
The President moved her hand to brush away a lose hair and it was then Kara noticed the ring on her finger. Before she had time to process the significance of the ring, the old man was shoeing her out of the room. Once they were out of earshot Kara looked at Adama and his eyes told her everything. He had married the President. Somehow out of the dread and despair she smiled.
Kara was relieved she no longer had to face the sick woman. She let out a deep sigh, knowing she had just seen Roslin for the last time.
"She wants you to speak at her funeral," Adama said, as they waited for Lee. Kara lifted an eyebrow and smirked.
"Me?" she said, not sure she heard the old man right. He nodded slowly.
"Why?" she questioned.
Before Adama could answer Lee stepped into the kitchen area. Kara stood up ready to following him out the door. He eyes were dull and his jaw clenched tightly.
"She wants to see you," he said, barely getting the words out without his voice cracking.
The words caused fear to make Kara's heart beat faster. He didn't just say that. Why would Roslin want to see her? She looked from Lee to his father and back again. There was no way she could get out of this. Again she walked into the room. Roslin's eyes were closed and did not open as Kara hovered above her. Kara finally sat on the edge of the chair, clasping her hands together in front of her.
"I wanted to thank you," Roslin said, her eyes slowly opening as she turned her head slightly.
Kara did her best not to squirm under Roslin's still intense eyes.
"For what?" Kara shrugged casually, trying to keep her cool.
A faint smile spread across Roslin's colorless lips.
"…believing in me."
Kara turned her head toward the wall. She just couldn't keep looking at the pathetic sight before her. A hand reached out and rested on hers.
"The whole fleet believes in you," Kara answered.
Roslin's soul searching stare did not leave Kara.
"We are strong for them," Roslin said gesturing toward Lee and his father, "You need to be strong enough for both of us now."
"Frak," Kara said, as she felt tears sting her eyes, "I don't know what to say."
Roslin smiled warmly.
"You are family, Kara. Don't ever forget that," Roslin said, her eyes growing wide and her brow wrinkling.
Kara nodded quickly and stood up, leaving the room as quickly as she could. She felt like the metallic fingers of a Cylon Centurion had reached into her chest and ripped out her heart. The last words Kara Thrace ever heard Laura Roslin say stayed with her for the rest of her life.