Chapter 3: Roger: Always Been Let Down
A/N: Sorry this took so long. Blame school…or the many things I have to do. Or you could blame me. I do have two more chapters of this written out. I just need to fix it. I'll try to update again really soon. I don't want to promise, but I'll really try. This chapter is good, I promise. It's also pretty sad. It attempts to explain how Roger's been "let down". Next comes Mark. I don't own Rent. Please read, then review. Also…enjoy!
It was the middle of the night, way passed his bed time, but Roger Davies couldn't sleep. He always had trouble falling asleep right away. It was especially difficult when everything wasn't completely quiet. He leaned over the edge of his top bunk to look at his older brother Eric. His brother was fast asleep. The clock on their end table read 12:05 a.m. It was no time for a five year old to be awake, and yet, Roger couldn't sleep.
He heard noises in the room next to the one he shared with his brother. This wasn't anything new. The voices coming from the room were angry, just as they always were. In fact, Roger rarely remembered hearing his parents not angry. There were many nights when Roger listened to his parents fight in their room. Sometimes he watched too. No one ever noticed him. He strained to listen to what they were fighting about. It didn't seem as bad as usual. His daddy hadn't broken anything, and his mommy wasn't crying…not yet. It was almost like they were just talking.
The voices got a little louder, just like they always did when things got scary. Almost silently, Roger walked down the ladder. He wished he could just go back to bed, but he couldn't. He needed to know what's going on. His parents always tried to hide things from him. Roger didn't like not knowing, he had to know what was going on.
"If only you'd spend a little more time with Roger…" Mrs. Davies was saying, her voice raised only slightly. The moment Roger heard it was about him, he tried to stop listening. He tried to think of nice things, like racecars, or the guitar lessons that he had just started. His father had an old guitar, and he'd gotten so excited when he heard Roger wanted to learn. It was one of the few times Roger saw his dad not angry.
When things got like this, normally, Roger found it impossible not to listen. His dad was yelling now. "It's always something with you! If it's not the kids, it's money. If it's not money, it's how I spend my evenings!" Mr. Davies yelled. All of the things he was mentioning, Roger had heard them argue about before. It was surprising the entire block didn't hear him. Roger thought Eric would wake up. Then there was what sounded like something being thrown into a wall, and his mother crying. These were two sounds he hated, but had unfortunately got used to hearing.
Then something happened that had never happened before. The door flew open, and Roger's father stood in the doorway. No one saw Roger yet. He was used to not being noticed, as he was the smallest. "I've had enough! It's over!" yelled Mr. Davies. He glanced briefly at Roger indicating that he had seen him, but didn't say anything. His father slammed the door behind him, bringing Roger back to reality.
He stood frozen in shock for a very long moment. Roger wasn't sure he understood what had just happened. His father had never walked out like that before. He was very confused. Where had his dad gone? Surely he would have to come back before the morning. He had seen his dad yell a lot, but never had he been so scary.
He saw that his mom as still crying in her room. Normally, she stopped herself from crying when her kids were around. Roger felt like crying too after what he had seen, so he went to join her. She was sitting on the bed sobbing. She didn't look up when Roger entered the room. Roger sat down beside her and rested his head on her shoulder. That's when she noticed her son. "Roger?" she said, "oh my goodness, we've woken you…you must've heard…I'm so sorry."
She was crying even harder after she said all that, really fast. Roger didn't understand what she was sorry for. She hadn't done anything bad. It was his daddy who was being mean. Besides, it wasn't as if all the other nights he had listened had been any different, right? Roger wished his dad would hurry up and come back already. He decided to ask his mother where he was. She should know, after all. "Mommy, where's daddy?" he asked innocently.
Roger hadn't understood how the question would effect his mother. She was at a loss for words. His mother started to cry a little harder. Roger didn't understand what he had done to cause that. It wasn't that hard of a question, right? After a moment, his mother answered, choosing her words carefully. "Daddy went out", was all she said. Roger waited for her to say more, since he didn't understand what was so bad.
His dad went out all the time. His mommy said he went to bad places. Roger knew he went there sometimes with pretty sounding ladies. He heard when he picked up the phone when his dad and the ladies were talking. His mom told him not to do that, and called it eavesdropping, but he did it a lot. It always made his mommy a little mad when his dad went out. Still, this time, there had to be something different.
"So when's daddy coming back? He asked insistently. He really wanted to know how long his father would be gone. His mom looked away before she answered. She seemed to be remembering that she didn't' like it when he saw her cry. It took her an extremely long time to answer.
"He's not coming back", she said after a long pause. Suddenly, everything made sense to Roger. His father would not come through the door early in the morning as he normally did when he went out. Nothing would ever be the same again. He would never play catch with his daddy, or go to the park. He probably would never see his daddy ever again. His dad was supposed to teach him how to play guitar. That wasn't going to happen anymore.
Even now that he understood that his father really had left, Roger still was confused. Everyone was supposed to have a mommy and a daddy who lived together. That was the way all of the other kids at school's families were. Everyone had a daddy, and now, Roger would be the only one who didn't. Not only that, but he would miss his daddy very much. He had a billion question for his mommy, but he didn't ask them. Who would drive him to school in the morning? His daddy did that. Who would help him with the songs on the guitar? What would he do?
He didn't ask them, because at that moment, he heard footsteps. His heart leaped with excitement. That could be his daddy coming back after all. It turned out to be only his brother Eric. Normally, Eric could sleep through a hurricane, so it was surprising to see him awake. Roger's brother walked into the room in his racecar pajamas, rubbing his eyes. "Mommy, what's happening? I heard noises", Eric said. He was 8, which was really old according to Roger, but he could be slow sometimes. Eric too sat on the bed, on the other side of their mother.
Slowly, Mrs. Davies began explain what had happened to her older son. Roger could tell she was leaving things out. She didn't say any of the bad words their daddy had said to her. Roger didn't know what those words meant, but one time at school, he said one, and he got sent to the principal. They must've been really bad. She was also making it sound like it wasn't so bad that daddy was gone. What could be not bad about that?
She talked about how things would be better this way. "Daddy and I still love you and Roger very much", she was saying to Eric, trying to calm him, when he learned that his father had left. "We just don't love each other anymore", she said. That part was definitely true. People who loved each other didn't make each other cry. People who loved each other didn't leave. She said that this would be much better for everyone. She said that their father would visit, and Roger really hoped he would.
She seemed to be saying all this as much as to convince herself than as to convince her sons. It seemed that Eric, at least, believed her. Perhaps it was because he hadn't seen or heard what Roger had all those nights. Roger still looked very upset, which troubled Mrs. Davies. Roger didn't show his feelings very easily. She had noticed how Roger was when he played with the other children. The teacher had called her often enough. He was somewhat of a bully. His mother knew that he just wanted to be cool, and to keep up this tough attitude, he tried not to cry.
Eric said that he was tired, and he wanted to go back to sleep now. Roger didn't understand how anyone could sleep, after something like this. He didn't know how he would ever sleep again. His daddy was the one who normally tucked him in. Instead of go back to the room he and Eric shared, Roger curled up into a ball next to his mother and finally, he cried. His mother didn't know what to do or what to say. She hugged him, hoping that somehow, she would be able to comfort him. As for what she could say, there was nothing.
Roger wasn't the one who got like this. That's why his mother was worried. She had worried before of course. It was usually worrying when Roger was having trouble reading, or when Roger got into fights. Now she had new things to worry about. How would she pay the bills? How would she feed the kids? She knew she would figure it out, but the most worrying part was raising two kids on her own. She wanted her sons to have more than she ever had, but now that seemed impossible. She would have to work much harder now, and she would have to do it alone.
Roger really wanted to stop crying, but he couldn't. He was having a much harder time than his brother. It was because although Roger was younger, he understood more. For weeks, Roger had listened, and he had watched. He had known exactly how much his parents fought, and the things they said to each other. Still, he had never expected this. He saw more than anyone ever gave him credit for. He was five, but he wasn't stupid. Eventually, Roger moved closer to his mother, and cried himself to sleep. Roger wouldn't sleep well that night that night, nor would he sleep well many nights that followed.
Roger had realized that when he had seen his father walk out the front door, he really was never coming back….