A/n: I'm getting some positive feedback from this story! Thanks to all who reviewed I really appriciate it! Anyway...as you will be able to tell as soon as you read it, this one is about Soubi. I'm not quite sure how his inner mind works...but I gave it a shot and I'm pleased with the outcome. So any kind of advice on this story would be great! . ENJOY!
Etre- To Be
I wanted him to control me…simple as that. Or so I thought. I only wanted to mindlessly follow orders that lay before me. I didn't want to think freely, I didn't want to live only for me. I wanted to live for my sacrifice. My body, my mind, all of me, all for my sacrifice. Have I always been willing to give my self to some one else this much?
However the biggest flaw in my plan was the cutest boy I've ever seen.
No…he was the cutest boy ever, period.
Ritsuka…you're so complex. You have made me think for myself for the first time in I don't know how long.
Is Ritsuka different than anyone I've ever met? Did I want to be around Seimei this much? Or was Ritsuka a special case? Yes.
I had never intended to fall in love with him. He started off as an order and I couldn't help but find excuses to see him, to kiss him. I even go so far as to tell him it's to make our bond tighter. When, in actuality…I just want to be as close to him as I can be. Like I said…he was only an order.
"Find Ritsuka if I should die. You will always be with him to protect him. Make sure he's never alone." I can recall such words so easily. They were the words that led me straight to Ritsuka. It was the voice that had spoke to me only days before his gruesome murder.
What had started off as an order from the absolute of my world had become this strong love that was unshakable.
Most of the time I just want to watch Ritsuka. I wanted to see him move. I wanted to memorize the way his lips quivered the closer I got him. I wanted to trace every curve of the fragile body that I was so wildly, and somewhat obsessively, dying to posses. This desire to merely watch him was so strong sometimes I prefer to sit in silence, I didn't want to exchange words with him. I just wanted to drink in the sight of the innocent boy.
The warm ocean of Ritsuka's presence drowns me and I've began to wonder what it was like to breathe without Ritsuka.
Was the air as sweet as it is now? Or was it stale? Was the air heavy and cold? Or could it be that it was warm and light like a summer breeze? I could scarcely remember breathing before I first kissed his honey lips.
I know he often wonders if I am using him as a substitute for his older brother. He may not believe me, but the answer will always be no. No matter how many times he asks me, I will always tell him the truth…No.
Sometimes I miss Seimei with a burning passion, but Ritsuka will never be him or a replacement for him. They are 2 completely different people. In Seimei's eyes I was only a slave. To Ritsuka I was a person, who he didn't want to abuse or control.
"Soubi, I only want to request things of you. It's not right for you to just blindly follow anyone's orders," as he spoke I shook out of the trance and smiled broadly at him.
The light danced on the tip of his nose and I noticed how adorable he looked in the glow of a setting summer sun. This would be one of those moments that I wished not to speak but to study him. However, if I did that I would upset him.
"Whatever you say, master," for some reason I felt the need to annoy Ritsuka at this moment since he chose to ask me a question.
"Don't call me that! I'm being serious here!" he exclaimed while the raven's silk cat ear stood up straight.
"I love you."
Now it was my turn to be serious. Ritsuka merely blushed as I took him into my arms and stroked his head lovingly.
If he had said that he didn't believe me…I know the pain would be piercing, but as long as he doesn't believe me I will try to get him to see these are my emotions. They are mine and mine alone. They aren't an order anymore.
And for the first time I realized that it wouldn't be too horrible if I wasn't controlled by a dead man.