Star Fox: Abomination
Achtung: In order to fully appreciate the hilarity of this chapter please read or reread Chapter 2 of Star Fox: Armageddon. We know it's painful but it makes ours better, we promise.
Chapter 2: The Delayed Battle
The Universe, Unknown Galaxy, Lylat System, Macbeth Orbit, Over Northern Hemisphere, Great Fox II, Starboard section, Forward Wing, Deck 7, Section 3A, Gym, Treadmill
Fox stepped off the treadmill, sweat dripping off his muzzle. His muscles screamed for rest and relaxation. He decided that the furious battle unfolding around the ship, could wait until tomorrow. Fox retired early to his room.
The following day, he and Krystal awoke and walked to the bridge. They were surprised to find the rest of the Star Fox team already there.
"Is there still a massive battle out there?" Fox inquired groggily, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. All out of nowhere a sudden explosion rocked the ship, casting Fox to the ground.
"Yes," Falco replied wryly. "The battle is still there."
"Wait a minute, we're getting a transmission," Slippy interjected. "Rob, what's the status of the transmission?"
"Receiving incoming transmission: one percent complete. Estimated time of download: four hours." Rob stated in his robotic monotone.
"Man I hate this dial-up!" Peppy exclaimed, slamming his fist into a nearby terminal. "Ooh, ouch, my paw." Peppy immediately started licking his injured paw, which had begun to redden and swell.
Four Hours Later
The team sat in the bridge, completely silent, each amusing themselves in their own special way: Fox was busy conjugating irregular verbs. Krystal was muttering angry words in her native Cerinian tongue. Peppy was fast asleep at the helm. Slippy was carrying out Pi to the six millionth digit, happily picking his nose all the while. And Falco had stripped down and was smothering himself with a liberal covering of butter and fire ants.
"Could somebody help me tie my hands behind my back?" Falco asked of the crew. Suddenly Rob's metallic voice sounded throughout the room.
"Transmission complete."
Everybody leapt to their feet and rushed to the hologram projector, on which the message was now playing.
A white leopard wearing the uniform of an admiral in the Venomian Space Corps had appeared in the center of the room.
"Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Admiral John Asher and I'm here to kill you. As of this moment the Venomian Royal Space Corps is declaring war on Corneria. For no apparent reason, just because I feel like it! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
With that, the transmission ended.
A few moments of silence followed the ending of the climatic yet somehow pointless message.
Peppy's face began to grow red and he started shaking.
"What is it Peppy, what's wrong?" Krystal asked concernedly.
"It took four stinking hours to load a FIVE SECOND VIDEO!"
"Peppy!" Fox screamed, appalled by Peppy's outburst. "An insane admiral has just declared war on Corneria, and all you can think about is our slow internet connection!" But Peppy was not listening. He was already stumbling off the bridge muttering incoherently to himself and giggling.
"Destroy… dial-up… make pure… yes… cleanse… hee hee hee…"
"Are we going to fight?" A confused Slippy asked. Fox smacked his forehead with the flat of his paw in exasperation.
"Well, let's look at our situation Slippy." Fox said sarcastically. "There is a massive battle that appeared out of nowhere and an insane admiral just declared war on us. No, I don't think we're going to fight."
"Oh, okay, that's good." Slippy said brightly.
"Of course we're going to fight, you numbskull!" Fox glanced over at his blue avian friend, who was furiously slapping himself where angry red welts were beginning to form, screaming about how he didn't know fire ants could bite. "After Falco takes a shower of course…"
- - -
Achtung: Be prepared for the shortest battle scene in all of recorded history.
(Begin battle scene).
They came, they fought, they won.
(End battle scene).
Battle stats downloading…
…
…
…
Download complete.
Kills:
Fox: 23
Krystal: 9
Falco: 15
Slippy: 2
"Boy, Slippy, you sure do suck!" Falco exclaimed with a hearty laugh. Slippy came back at him with the most blistering retort he knew:
"You are one nasty Falcon, Falco."
"Wait a minute," Fox said, frowning slightly. "Who in their right mind would care about kills? And who keeps track of them?"
Nobody answered. Not one of them had a logical answer to this most puzzling quandary.
"Do you keep track of them, ROB?" Fox questioned the robot.
"No, Fox, I could not give a flying --CENSORED-- about kills," ROB replied. Everybody in the Great Fox II gasped upon hearing ROB's utterance of the vilest of oaths. A few moments after this shock had passed, Fox spoke up again.
"Well, we succeeded in halting the invasion. Time to bring home the bacon."
- - -
Corneria, Southern hemisphere, Corneria City, 134 Chipmunk Lane, Federation High Command.
"Whaddaya mean we're not getting paid?" Fox demanded of the eagle standing before him.
"How can I make it any more simple?" the eagle replied, sighing and rolling his eyes. "You. Are. Not. Getting. Paid. Game over, the end."
"But we're mercenaries," Fox whined. "Do you think we do this for the greater good? No! We do this to fill our own pockets!" Fox exclaimed, beginning to feel desperate.
Glancing at the eagle, Fox could see he was an Admiral of the Cornerian Federation. Falco came up to the eagle and spoke up, the feathers on the back of his neck beginning to poof up.
"Who the flipping heck do you think you are, Mr. Burns?" he demanded angrily, his voice rising. Fox immediately turned to face Falco, an expression of confusion and pity upon his face.
"Falco… what was that?" he asked. "Were you trying to insult him, or something? That was just sad. And who the heck is Mr. Burns? What the heck does he have to do with this crappy fanfic?" Falco sighed and looked away from Fox, all at once embarrassed with his attempted insult.
"Dang these pop culture references…" he whispered to himself.
"I am Admiral Wade Kyes, Defender of the Lylat System," Kyes declared in a loud, dramatic voice, striking a pose most reminiscent of a super hero. "Except for Venom, mainly because we are at war with them."
"Well, Admiral Kyes, Defender of the Lylat System," Fox said, walking up to the eagle and placing his right hand on the eagle's shoulder. "Perhaps you're right. I mean, Corneria must be facing a crippling deficit at this point, due to the current war, and I believe you have good reason to…" In one lightning movement, Fox swiftly brought up his knee and rammed it brutally into the admiral's stomach.
"Run!" Fox screamed as Kyes grunted and keeled over, falling to the floor, moaning and groaning. Without another word, the Star Fox team bolted out the exit, laughing in jubilation, leaving the writhing admiral to suffer in peace.
"None of the mercenaries… ever take… this news well…" he managed to grunt, still trying to take in the wind he had lost.
- - -
Venom, Eastern hemisphere, Venom City, the middle of Venom City, 2318 FoxKiller Boulevard, Imperial High Command
A nervous, apprehensive squirrel garbed in the clothing of an admiral approached Admiral Asher.
"Ah, welcome!" Asher said warmly upon making eye contact with the squirrel. Glancing around, the squirrel saw that Asher was seated at a table, and was accompanied by twelve other admirals. "Welcome to my Admiral convention! What is the status of the invasion?"
"Ah, well, we're pretty much screwed. The fleet was mashed, steamed, broiled, baked, fried, and served on a platter by the Star Fox team," the squirrel said quickly, eager to get the bad news off of his chest.
"What?" Asher roared, rising quickly from his chair, fuming. He began pacing back and forth, shaking his head in disbelief. "No… this can't be… this is terrible! I need to do something completely wickedly evil to make myself feel better…" His eyes slowly transfixed themselves on the nervous squirrel. "I know… you are now demoted from admiral to admiral, because everybody in this fanfic is an admiral!" He exclaimed joyously, flinging his hands into the air, cackling.
"No…" groaned the squirrel, sinking to his knees as humiliation washed upon him like an ocean wave. It was a terrible thing, to be demoted to a lowly admiral. Suddenly, he remembered the good news he was informed to tell Asher.
"But sir, Admiral O'Donnell's fleet has engaged Admiral Kyes' fleet, and O'Donnell seems to be coming out on top." He bit his lip, anxiously awaiting the admiral's response. Asher's response absolutely shocked him.
Asher let out a delighted squeal, clapping his hands together rapidly as he bounced up and down on the tips of his toes. "Oh, goody!" he giggled happily. A few moments after his embarrassing display, Asher felt thirteen pairs of eyes staring at him. He immediately stopped bouncing and regained himself, clearing his throat as he did so. He slowly turned to face the twelve admirals, and demoted admiral, looking each one directly in the eyes before he spoke.
"We shall never speak of this again… ever. Understood?" Everybody in the room slowly nodded their heads. "Very good…" Asher turned back to face the gray squirrel, who was now on the verge of bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.
"You are dismissed," Asher said , turning back to the table and sitting down with the other twelve admirals.
End of chapter 2.
Authors' Note: Well, here's Chapter 2, for your reading pleasure. Thanks to all of the people who reviewed us. You guys are awesome.