Star Fox: Abomination
Achtung: The blame for this story and all original characters falls on the author of Star Fox: Armageddon. The characterization of the characters in this story is done poorly, and completely fictional. Any similarities between actual persons, living or dead, is very, very unfortunate. We didn't mean to be insulting.
Once again, we advise you to read chapter three of Star Fox: Armageddon before reading this spoof. You don't need to, but it makes us look better.
Finally, here is chapter three of this brilliantly written epic novel. Enjoy...
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Chapter 3: Rhode Island in Space
(the chapter whose title has nothing to do with the story at all)
Planet Zoness, Outside Imperial Base C5, the putrid-smelling stratosphere, Fox's Arwing, Inside the cockpit
Fox's nose wrinkled in utter disgust as he inhaled the fumes of the stratosphere that seeped through the vents of his Arwing's air conditioner. Glancing out the window, Fox was genuinely surprised at the fact that Zoness had been returned to a relatively pristine state. The ocean was clean and free of industrial waste, and the sky was a deep blue, instead of the normal dark yellow. However, one thing didn't sit right with Fox, and he activated the comm system and spoke.
"Hey Falco, the stratosphere reeks like your armpits, you disgusting hog!" he taunted the blue falcon, who responded in a angry tone.
"Why am I always ridiculed in this stupid fanfic?" he demanded of Fox.
"Because the authors hate you," Fox immediately replied. He heard no more complaints from Falco.
Fox's attention refocused to their current task. General Pepper had informed then there was a Venomian Imperial High Command C5 base. Their mission, simple. Their objective... to trash it. The base now in sight, Fox issued the command to land. He and Major Bill Gray were the first to pull their respective Arwings into graceful landings.
"Alright everybody, it's time to trash it!" Bill commanded, climbing down from his Arwing, Fox following his lead.
"All right!" Fox exclaimed happily. "I love trashing! It's my favorite pastime! That, and smashing my funny bone!"
Bill stared at Fox for a few brief seconds, unable to believe what he just heard.
"You do that for fun? You're sick, dude," he muttered shaking his head.
It was at that moment they heard the droning hum of the engine of another Arwing above them. The Arwing slowly landed, and a Lieutenant by the name of Kevin climbed out.
"All right, Kevin, listen up," Bill instructed, starting to pace back and forth restlessly. "I want you to go ahead and scout out the base. Once inside, radio us and me and the Canine Ranger Battalion will come in and trash the place, okay?"
"No, not okay!" Kevin argued, suddenly becoming defensive for some odd reason. "You're gonna send me in with absolutely no backup at all, when it's probable that MANY snipers will be guarding the entrance? No, I won't do it!"
"Oh yes you will!" Fox argued back, irritated at Kevin's obvious displeasure.
"You're not the boss of me," Kevin retorted, wearing and indolent sneer. Upon hearing this, Bill raised his blaster and aimed it between Kevin's eyes.
"Aw, come on," Kevin whined, unable to take his eyes of the blaster. "I'll get killed out there!"
"So what?" Bill replied, refusing to lower the blaster. "If you don't do it, the rest of us will get killed. It's better for one to die rather than everybody... so we decided on you. Now, either die getting to the base, or I'll just shoot you here. Either way, I won't lose any sleep over it."
Kevin sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Fine," he grumbled, turning to the base and sprinting as quickly as he possibly could.
Kevin was absolutely right; on the cliffs and rock formations surrounding the base, dozens of snipers were poised, waiting to shoot down anybody that tried to infiltrate their headquarters. Upon seeing Kevin sprinting towards the base, they immediately opened fire. Kevin screamed like a little girl as a score of sniper lasers streaked past his face.
"Shoot!" he exclaimed, ducking a laser that nearly grazed the top of his head.
"Frick!" he exclaimed as he jumped over another laser that would have otherwise hit his groin. Upon landing back on the ground, a laser streaked past his head, singeing his left sideburn.
"Owie!" he screeched as he surged forward, faster than ever, dozens of lasers missing him by mere inches. He managed to arrive at the base's door, and in his desperation to shield himself from the sniper's hail of laser fire, he shot the door with his blaster repeatedly, the plasma melting a hole he could run through.
"Holy crap, he actually made it through!" Bill exclaimed, who had watched Kevin's race for his life with a pair of binoculars. Behind he and Fox, they heard Krystal's and Falco's Arwings descend to the planet's surface.
- - -
"So, did you scrap up some loot from raids?" one stupid guard asked another stupid guard.
"Heh, yeah, I got about a hundred n' twenty five credits," laughed the other one. "It's been so much fun since the Union got our employers to let us go on raids!"
These were his last words before he was fatally killed... to death. Blood erupted like a geyser from the fist-sized hole created in his chest, where his heart should have been. He glanced in horrified amazement at the gaping hole for a moment.
"Ouch..." he said quietly before crumpling to the floor. Kevin stepped out of the shadows, aiming his blaster at the other confused guard. Without hesitating, he squeezed the trigger again, discharging a bolt of plasma in the second guard's general direction.
The second guard's head exploded, bits of skull bouncing off the walls. A tooth hit the ground. An eyeball rolled across the floor and came to a stop at Kevin's feet. He stared at the two broken bodies before him.
"Now that's what I call overkill," Kevin said, stepping over the bodies, and slipping on the blood that was beginning to spill onto the floor.
"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" he exclaimed, quickly hopping over the puddle. "Ew."
Once he was a good distance away from the ever growing puddle, Kevin took out his walkie-talkie and adjusted it to Bill's frequency.
"This is Chocolate Pudding to Purple Eagle. Come in, Purple Eagle."
There was a moment of static before Bill's voice sounded on the communication instrument.
"You idiot. I'm not Purple Eagle, I'm Cyan Falcon, remember?" he corrected irritably. "What do you want, Chocolate Pudding?"
"I'm in," Kevin responded, a little confused by the question. What else would he have wanted at that moment?
"Roger that, Pudding," Bill replied. "I've already radioed the Canine Rangers. They're on their way. Cyan, over and out."
"'Bye," Kevin concluded, deactivating the walkie-talkie and returning it to his utility belt.
Without warning, the door ahead opened and a platoon of a hundred Venomian guards entered the room. Kevin screamed like a little girl again and raised his blaster, opening fire on the platoon. His first two plasma bursts hit two separate guards, who fell to the floor, dead. The rest of the platoon opened fire on Kevin as he dramatically dove behind a nearby sofa. The sofa acted as a sponge, absorbing the plasma from the platoon's guns with no visible damage inflicted upon itself.
As the platoon continued to blast away at the sofa, Kevin started to cry, and began praying for forgiveness, knowing his time was at hand.
"...and please forgive me for the time I took the last cookie from the jar that was for my dying grandmother," he concluded, sobbing quietly.
Suddenly, behind him, his heart lifted and he gasped as he heard Bill's voice.
"Dang, that is one nice sofa!" Bill exclaimed, as the Canine Ranger Battalion flooded in behind him and trashed the place.
- - -
From a distance, Fox, Falco, and Krystal watched the trashing of the base very intently. Fox was absolutely amazed by the destruction of the place-trashing. His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open.
"Wow, that's some awesome trashing!" he exclaimed happily.
"Uh... of course..." Krystal replied, glancing at him with a worried expression.
All at once, a massive explosion within the base rocked the soil, casting Fox to the ground, and sending large chunks of debris soaring through the air like graceful eagles.
"Dang it!" Fox whined. "Not again."
"Look, there they are!" Krystal exclaimed, pointing to a congregation of the surviving members of the Canine Ranger Battalion that was fleeing the now burning base. Fortunately, Bill and Kevin were among them. As soon as they reached Fox and Krystal, Bill immediately began scrambling up the steps to his Arwing.
Turning back towards the base, Fox saw why Bill was in such a hurry to retreat. About twenty Venomian guards that survived the guerilla attack had gathered outside the entrance of the base and began to open fire on the Cornerians. A member of the Canine Ranger Battalion screamed as a Venomian's laser hit its mark, and the Cornerian pitched forward, without another sound. Before the soldier had time to hit the ground, the surviving members of the Canine Rangers raised their blasters and began to return fire to their attackers, the officers shouting commands over the roar of firing blasters.
Halfway up the Arwing's ladder, Bill ducked his head as a laser struck the ship, directly above his shoulder.
"Come on!" Bill screamed, over the noise of another explosion rumbling within the base. "There's more of them coming! We need to get out of here now! Now move!" he roared, scrambling up the ladder and climbing into the cockpit.
Fox, Kevin and Krystal wasted no time in boarding their Arwings as Fox watched the Canine Rangers make their way to their battleship, continuing their attack upon the Venomian survivors, soldiers from both sides occasionally staggering and collapsing, hit by bursts of plasma.
As Fox, along with everybody else, made their way into the stinky stratosphere, he heard Bill's voice sound over the comm system.
"I've just been informed by General Pepper that the Venomians have landed a strike force in Corneria." Bill said quickly. "The 12th Infantry Division has already engaged them, but they're gonna need our help."
"Got it," replied Fox, his hands gripping the controls of his Arwing tightly upon hearing his homeworld was under attack.
"Yeah, understood, Purple Falcon," Kevin said. Over the comm system, Fox thought he could almost hear Bill sigh.
- - -
Authors' Note: When we wrote this latest chapter, we discovered the word that is arguably the funniest word in the English language. Sofa. Think about it. Say it as quickly as you can five times. Now say it slowly and drawn out, like "soooooooo-fuh". Now make it into a song. If you ever say sofa in casual conversation again, you won't be able to help but giggle some.