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Chapter Two - Anger and Resentment

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I was watching TV when Luna came home. She didn't seem the least bit surprised that I had relocated to the comfort of the couch. Hey, it could get really cold outdoors at that time of the night. I wasn't too far gone into the deep end not to notice when I was about to be frozen.

And like an answering machine when its 'Play' button was pressed, "How was your day?" I asked her automatically…flatly.

She collapsed on the other side of the couch. "Great," she answered dully.

"Great," I repeated dryly. I rolled my eyes as I scanned for more productive shows to watch – wasn't there some grass-channel here? Heck, if they could have the friggin' Time Channel, avid grass-watchers like me should have our channel as well.

She took a deep breath, as if preparing to say something life-threatening – or worse. "Do you like it here, Shinn?"

I shrugged in a non-committal way. "It's quiet here," I replied neutrally.

"Yeah…"

"Don't you?" I took care to add a bit of an edge in my tone. Heck, I had an inkling where this conversation was going…

"Well…" the skepticism was evident in her voice. She sighed dejectedly. "I miss my family."

Family, huh? From what I knew – and trust me, I knew a lot – her mother and father were both military officials who died in the First Bloody Valentine War. Hawke was a known military family, from what I had heard. Luna also mentioned having close ties with her other relatives – cousins, aunts, uncles.

Frankly, it didn't make sense to me when she said she wanted to stay with me.

For some reason, I don't know why, I grew angry. At her. At her family. At everything. "So?" I demanded through gritted teeth. "What's keeping you then? It's not like I'm forcing you to stay here!" She visibly winced as I raised my voice but I did not care. "What the hell is wrong with you, Luna? Go back home if you want to!"

Before I knew it, she was yelling as well. "I was scared! I was scared and worried that you'd go crazy if I left you alone!" she gasped and her hands flew to her mouth as if by doing that she could take it all back.

Then, I laughed. Even I was surprised by how bitter and angry it sounded. "Come on, Luna. Don't feel guilty for still having living, breathing family members just because I don't."

Luna, even though a loud mouth at times, was still a typical girl and it came as no surprise when I saw tears fall down her cheeks. Nevertheless, it made me feel uncomfortable and a great big bucket o' guilt.

Oh, call me an ass but I couldn't stand crying girls. Even before the tragedy at Onogoro, all Mayu had to do was sniffle at me and I'd instantly revert to doting, loving brother. All the adrenaline I felt got pumped out of my system. I sighed heavily and brushed my hair back with my right hand. I was this close to pulling my hair in frustration!

"I'm…" I took a deep breath. It was enough that I was doing this; I didn't need to stutter to make me look like even more of an idiot. "I'm sorry, Luna."

Why did I apologize?

…No friggin' idea.

One thing was for sure, though. I was moodier than a hormone-driven female teenager.

'Stop being such a girl, Shinn,' an inner voice – which suspiciously sounded like Vino – mocked me.

'And stop making Lunamaria cry.'

I swallowed hard.

That last voice sounded too much like Rey for comfort.

-

I half-expected Luna to be gone the morning after, but it was as if nothing had happened. Luna got a call from Meyrin – but more on that later. Luna cheerfully – a little too cheerfully for my tastes – decided to stay in the whole day and cook for us. Remember what I said about Luna not being domesticated? Well, her cooking 'creations' were proof of that. Needless to say, we ended up ordering Chinese take-out for lunch.

I studied her while we were eating, and it hit me for the first time just how sad she was. So, was everything just an act? Her cheerfulness, finding a job – was it just some plot to make it seem that everything was normal? Did she go through all that trouble just because she was scared that any more changes would make me completely lose hold on my sanity?

…I don't get it.

I went out that afternoon to do some thinking. Three guesses where I was headed.

It was Thursday.

-

It was an unspoken agreement between the two of us.

I never told him my name and he never told me his. Despite of everything that I had told him, I felt like I needed to at least leave some private details, well, private. He seemed okay with it and, anyway, names were only for schmucks who felt the need to call on each other each and every friggin' day. Sure, names defined their owners, but sometimes, one had to look past the name and concentrate on the person itself.

After telling him all about my life – and possibly boring him in the process – I figured he wouldn't be there again. But the moment I saw his willowy, hunched figure on the 'usual' spot – possibly watching the grass grow – I felt relief course through my veins.

I sat down wordlessly, unsure of what to say. Was I supposed to feel embarrassed? But that was another good thing that came from not knowing each other's names. He did not know who I really was, and so I felt no shame in showing him who I truly was.

Ironic.

But I didn't really have the time to feel embarrassed or shy or whatever.

He did not know me and heck, who was he gonna tell anyway?

"Hey," he said by way of greeting, "Good afternoon."

I scoffed in response.

I wasn't feeling really peachy at that moment. Luna had received a call from Meyrin that morning. It seems that she was currently at their house in November Two for a vacation and a break from her Orb-oriented duties – did I mention that she was working under Athha now? – and Meyrin being Meyrin just felt the need to tell us all about how Zala and the others had been doing. It turned out that Zala and the rest of the do-gooders society were up here in the PLANTs discussing peace talks with the Supreme Council. She said that blah-di-blah-di-blah everyone on their side was doing great and blah-di-blah-di-blah was currently living happily ever after.

Was I bitter?

Of course, I was.

I suffered. I had my fair share of bad things. My family was killed in Onogoro – don't tell me I deserved that for being an ordinary thirteen-year old who never cleaned his room. A potential girlfriend died in my arms. My best friend reportedly got smashed by falling Messiah-debris. I must've had the most rotten luck in the whole wide universe.

So, why the hell wasn't I given a happy ending?

Heck, Rey's life was full of bad things in general and look where it got him.

It got him dead. What the hell was up with that? Just because we fought the so-called good guys and lost doesn't mean that we don't get our happily-ever-afters as well, right?

Right?

Riiiight…

"In a fairy tale story, what happens to the villains?" I asked him.

It might seem weird that I asked him such an important question. I respected his views and even trusted his judgment, in some way that I have never trusted anyone before. There was something in his eyes that told me he knew. A lot. About life, about the world. His eyes spoke of experience belying his age – and… well, something else.

He seemed a bit taken aback by my sudden, weird question but he quickly regained his composure. "They die," he answered simply, matter-of-factly.

"They die," I echoed hollowly.

He chuckled, "Or they are never mentioned again." He paused thoughtfully and, after a moment, finally made up his mind. "But most of the time, they die."

I rolled my eyes heavenwards. "Oh, sure. After using them to give the story some semblance of a plot, the author kills them off just to give the heroes a happy ending," I said sullenly. "It's the same in real life, you know. All those people who are judged as the villains – " I rolled my eyes " – are given hell for the rest of their lives."

"Why do you say so?" he asked lightly, but there was a challenging edge to it.

I looked at him flatly. "Because I know so. I was one of those so-called bad guys. I was one of them and, hell, I never even noticed it. And look where it got me now. Talking to some stranger and watching the grass grow with a passion only seen in the insanely obsessed."

He shook his head. "You have yet to see the end of your life so don't be so quick to say that your life is hell," he offered in all solemnity – the hell? Was that the only expression he was capable of?

"But it's true, isn't it? Is it because of karma? If it is, karma's the one who's quick to judge, isn't it? Karma doesn't see what drives man to do what he does," I declared angrily. "Karma is one fucked-up being. I was fighting for what I thought was right. My friend fought and died because he wanted to protect the world. Are there different ways of saving the world? Which one is right? Just because the other side won and we lost, we're now known as the bad guys?" I clenched my fists so hard, I was sure little half-moon shaped marks were visible in my palm.

"No one ever said that you were the bad guys."

"No, really?" I retorted sarcastically. "Look at how the world worships the Triple Ship Alliance and shuns everything that was connected to Dullindal, and assure me again that no one thinks of us that way." I sneered mockingly at him. "If our side had won, it would be the other way around."

He shook his head. "We act on instinct and no one can really say which is right or wrong. Not the winning side or the losing side. Even the winning side, I'm certain, isn't entirely sure if their way was the right one. The future generations would have to be the judge to that, because they are the ones who will be able to see it from a different perspective." He stopped and looked at the artificial sky above us, before giving me an understanding look. "For now, we must live in the present and do our best to protect what we believe is right."

I gave him a long, hard stare. Any man would have crumbled before it. Way back in my military days, it was known as the Death Glare from Hell. Either the brown-haired young man was immune to it or he really could stand it.

"I can't, for the life of me, understand why the heck those bastards were given a happy ending, while I'm rotting away in this hell-hole."

"So that's it? You're jealous of them?" he asked with an eyebrow raised. "People think that life is unfair because they think that other people are luckier than them. Don't you think that's a bit one-sided on your part as well? What if they aren't as lucky as you thought they were?"

I snorted. "Oh, believe me. They're having a grander time than I am."

He sighed and gave me a half-smile. "I wouldn't say that."

"Whatever. I just asked what happened to villains and you spout all this philosophical shit on me."

"Sorry. " He chuckled. "You're different today," he noted amusedly. "Last week, you were so… detached. Now, you're all riled-up and angry."

"So I'm having PMS," I replied dryly, rolling my eyes for more effect, but I couldn't stop my lips from curling up into a wry smile. "Give me a break."

"You know something? I don't believe in karma." He smiled sadly – I was tempted to bash his face in just to see whether or not he would change his reaction. "Because, sometimes, bad things happen to good people as well."

I crossed my arms in front of me and gave him a nice, long glare. "Cut the bullshit because it isn't reassuring or comforting or placating in the slightest." Then, I sighed and brushed my hair away from my face. "Do you remember the friend that I was telling you about?"

He nodded. "Rey?"

I smiled dryly. Funny how I told him their names, while I kept mum about mine. Ah, well. Maybe someday, when the sky turns green. Like grass. "Yeah, him."

"What about him?"

"Do you," I paused to take a deep breath, to calm my nerves, "Do you think he deserved what happened to him?"

He did not answer immediately, and for half-a-second there, I thought he was going to say 'yes'. "Like I said, many bad things happen to us but it doesn't necessarily mean that we deserved them."

We sat in silence for awhile and I finally noticed how much this reminded me of how Rey and I talk sometimes. I think he was the first ever person to have tolerated my rudeness and obnoxiousness. Yes, I admit, I was obnoxious.

Hell, it finally hit me why I chose to talk to him. He reminded me so damn much of Rey.

I clenched my fist. I knew I shouldn't look for Rey in places where I obviously can't and won't find him.

-

When we graduated, Rey actually received a much higher grade that I did. That means, he graduated on top of our class and he even got special permission to customize his would-be unit and pilot suit. He chose white – go figure. White was the color for commanders, which Rey clearly wasn't. But one day, he just showed up on Mobile Suit Training wearing a white pilot suit. Luna commented that Rey definitely had taste because it suited him more than the red suit – which of course, we males replied with a roll of our eyes.

Clearly, by default, Impulse should've been assigned to him.

But for some reason, he got a white Blaze ZAKU Phantom, and I – of all insubordinate people – got the Impulse. Shocking? Yeah. I thought that it was the end of our friendship, but Rey didn't seem surprised. In fact, he looked nonplussed. After the training, he went up to me, gave me a smile, an encouraging pat in the back and a soft, "Congratulations."

Ultimately, being given the most powerful mobile suit was the end point of having graduated as the top of the class – so why the hell me? Don't get me wrong, I was happy. But between having a kick-ass mobile suit and losing a friend in the process, and the opposite of that, I'd clearly choose the latter.

I talked to him about it. Just to make sure that I wasn't stepping on any egos.

But he just brushed it off. "Shinn, you were given that machine for a reason. Stop asking 'why' and use your time to prove that it was meant for you."

"So, you're not mad?" I asked him skeptically.

"Should I be? There's no written law that says it should belong to me. One should always make do with what life has thrown at his feet. If we waste our time asking 'why', then we'd never get anywhere."

Just then, Luna appeared and gave me a look. "Come off it, Shinn! What did you do?" she asked reprovingly as if I really did do something. "I don't know what the higher-ups are thinking, but giving the most insubordinate soldier a powerful mobile suit such as the Impulse?" She clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "If I learn that you swiped that from under Rey's nose…" she wagged a finger in front of my face threateningly. "Gods, why you?"

And of course, that sermon lasted for the rest of the day that in the end, I really did agree with Rey – if we waste our time asking 'why', then we'd never get anywhere.

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After my little talk with my 'Thursday-buddy' – hey, if you can think of a better name that this, then good for you – I took a detour for a little errand.

In the middle of dinner – this time, we ended up calling for pizza – I handed Luna my peace offering. I waited for her reaction and you could say I held my breath as she opened the envelope. Her eyes widened and she immediately looked at me in question.

I flashed her a genuine smile – my first one in so many weeks. "Come back, okay?"

Inside the envelope was a shuttle ticket bound for November Two.

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What's so damn interesting about the grass, anyway? Will Luna come back? And can Kira stand to be far away from his beloved ocean for too long? Why am I asking you anyway? Do you have any idea what I am up to? Does it include Shinn turning into a girl? Tune in next Thursday, same website, same author, and same story-ID!

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THANKS:

To cloudedge for the constructive criticisms! Hope this works now. And of course to my beta-reader, Lia Lostsmile, here's a big hug! THANKS! Oh, and if you're up for some dark, AC fic, go read Lia's fic, Beyond Acceptance.

For those who reviewed: Maryam Khanoom, SxS Fan, Blue moon wolf, animeboy-12, Kageharu Kaco (thanks for the fanart!), i Mel-chan i, AiryFaerieAriel, mikieru, Princess Ashes, Gambit01V2, Haruka Mizumi, ritachi, Fatherz, Garowyn, Hawk of Endimyon, koyuki-san, dark.retreat, andexistence92.

Why I used Kira: Because he owes Shinn and needs closure just as much as Shinn does. Let us not forget whose fault it was that the rest of the Asuka Family got blasted to pieces (-looks pointedly at Kira-). Plus, Kira 'killed' Stellar and was also partly responsible for Rey's death. Tell me if Kira starts acting out of character, though. That'll be my indication whether my bias is showing or not. :D As you may probably know now, I'm partial to the villains.