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Chapter Three – Bargaining
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It might sound overtly cliché but… honestly? The house seemed empty without Luna.
I missed her.
It's true, that absence makes the heart go fonder.
But as another saying goes, 'life goes on'. But, bah. Who cares about that damn quotation anyway? I sure don't. I wasn't implying that it didn't have an ounce of truth ingrained in it. Because it did. When something bad happens, life goes on. Maybe not your life, but other's. The world just keeps on turning round and round and round and –
The grass keeps growing.
For the curious, Luna left almost ten hours ago.
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There wasn't a day that passed by that Luna forgot to call me. She called just to check up on me and, in my opinion, to assure herself that I hadn't gone insane. She was just too much of a worrier for her own good. Not that I did not appreciate the gesture, though. In fact, I even chronicled the time where she was most likely to call.
Somewhere between 8:04 a.m. and 8:31 a.m.
Nope, I wasn't obsessed or bored in the slightest.
But I figured, if I conditioned myself that Luna would call at this time, then she really would call. (You can tell I've been reading up on Psycho-stuff in my spare time – and boy, do I have a lot of spare time or what?) I glanced at the plain-looking wall clock hanging by its lonesome, just to check if Luna was right on time.
The phone rang. Right on time.
See? All good things come to those who wait.
I reached for the cordless phone beside me. I waited for two more rings before answering it, though. Just to indicate that I wasn't excited or anything.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Shinn? It's Luna. Well, er, I'm coming back sooner than expected, okay?"
YES!
"Okay."
She didn't want to tell me the reason why, so after that, we talked for a little while more and then we hung up. Hey, at least she was coming home. God knows how bored I was. I hauled my ass off of the sofa. Dinner wasn't going to cook itself, after all.
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There was a word in my native tongue – Japanese – that could aptly describe Luna's personality. Genki. But Luna was looking anything but genki now. In fact, she hadn't been her usual cheerful self ever since she came back. I didn't really want to ask what happened between her and Meyrin.
Thinking about Meyrin still made me feel like the most disgusting person to ever walk the planet.
Luna had been back for almost two days now, but she still didn't want to say anything about her trip. One thing I knew, though, was that she had given up her quest for a job. But that didn't mean that she gave up on restoring a semblance of her old life. She decided to continue her studies and get a college degree other than BS Mobile Suit Piloting, Major in Kicking Ass.
So, aside from moping around the house, she was currently studying for the entrance exams. She said that she wasn't going to settle for anything less that the most prestigious university in all of the PLANTs.
Which was located in December City.
Which meant that she was leaving me sooner or later.
Which, surprisingly, didn't piss me off one bit.
Well, that was Luna for you. The moping over-achiever. Hn. Never thought I'd say that. I was browsing the channels for anything good to watch. But since it was mid-afternoon, I was stuck with those mushy soap operas. Feeling bored enough to eat the TV – wires and all – I decided to do something productive.
I went into the kitchen to prepare a snack for the resident genius.
I checked the fridge for anything edible that I could whip up. Mayu and I used to do that a lot – take out everything from the fridge and cook up something 'delicious' out of them. I found milk (which thankfully, still hadn't gone bad), some bananas, a stale cheese sandwich, and one of Luna's 'masterpieces' (god, I swear, it growled at me!).
I was in the middle of getting the blender – I decided to make smoothies – when Luna walked in on me. She stared at me and I could tell that she was trying hard not to laugh. I flashed her an annoyed glare, daring her to say anything about my flowery apron but, inwardly, I felt relieved. Relieved that she was smiling again.
"What are you doing?"
I gestured to the banana peels strewn over the counter. "Banana smoothie."
"Let me help you," she said softly, getting the milk.
"Sure, just don't – " I stared pointedly at her " – experiment again." Then, I proceeded to cut the bananas into medium-sized chunks.
"Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Shinn," she muttered dryly, but her tone was light rather than mocking.
Luna and I were quiet – and for a moment I marveled at how I managed to put 'Luna' and 'quiet' in a sentence. There was something wrong. And it was making me itch. I observed her, behind the protection of my long bangs, and she looked like she was having a mental argument with herself.
Finally, she seemed to have reached a decision.
"Shinn… I have something to tell you…" and she launched into a long tirade that managed to kill quite a few minutes.
Needless to say, we never finished making the banana smoothie.
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The next day, Thursday, I decided to go to the park earlier than usual. There were many possible reasons why I did that. Probably to beat that solemn-eyed freak into coming here – he always came first. Probably to see what I've been missing whenever I spent all those weekday mornings staring at the grass. Probably to get away from all those horrid soap operas that was being aired at that time.
Probably to avoid talking to Luna.
Now, why would I do that?
It wasn't like me to avoid confrontations. In fact, I anticipated them. Now, what would that confrontation be about? Again, there were many probabilities and possibilities that would take me weeks to list one by one.
As it was just morning, the park was lively. There were mothers pushing their baby strollers, hoping for a breath of 'fresh air'; toddlers playing in the sandbox a couple of yards from me; children walking on their way to school; and even a couple of teenagers who seemed like cutting classes.
I'd never seen the park so lively, or so full of people.
One in particular, one walking slowly towards me, caught my eye. Well, guess who the hell showed up? He took his seat on the farthest side of the bench from where I sat.
"You're early."
I shrugged. "So are you."
He didn't dignify my comment with a reply, so I decided to go back to the original task at hand. People watching. Look at them… Them smiling without a care in the world – laughing as if the colony that they lived in wasn't almost blasted to smithereens just a few months ago. Ah, the life of a civilian. So carefree. Frankly, I sometimes wonder why I ever gave up that life.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I was forced to. Try having your family get blown apart in front of you and let's see if you can still continue your life as a normal, laughing, carefree civilian.
There was, is, and always will be a reason why we do the things we do.
We expect for results. We do things to reach our goals. Life doesn't give stuff away for free, you know. If you want something, you must exchange something of equal value. It's called bargaining for a reason. Example: When I decided to become a soldier in order to protect the people I cared for.
If my family hadn't died, I would never have met people like Athrun Zala, his NOT-girlfriend Cagalli Yula Athha, and their other self-righteous comrades.
Heh.
I got the short stick in the bargain.
But then again, if my family hadn't died, I wouldn't have met people like Luna, Meyrin, the Minerva crew, Stellar… Hmmm… I seem to be forgetting someone! Oh yeah! That manipulative blond, Rey Za Burrel, who made me believe that I was his friend, when all along he wanted me to turn into a fellow Dullindal lapdog.
Well, I guess that's Rey for you. His friendship is NOT for free.
So, was it a fair deal, then, that my family was taken away from me in exchange of meeting these people?
I slid my right hand inside my pocket and felt the cool plastic casing of Mayu's outdated cell phone. For some reason, though, it didn't have the calming effect that it used to have.
I was back to being angry.
…back to being upset.
…back to being bitter.
Life did not give me a fair deal.
"I was cheated."
"Excuse me?" my solemn-eyed companion's voice broke through my reverie. I snapped out of my daze and released my tight hold on Mayu's cell phone.
I stared, puzzled for a moment at his sudden statement, before I realized that I had said my last thoughts out loud. Oops. I didn't notice. See, some things were meant to be said out loud, while some things were meant to be said inside.
He was still staring at me and, frankly, I found it unnerving. I found it annoying. I found it invading.
Because it seemed as if he was examining my very soul.
I swallowed the forming insult at the tip of my tongue. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, practically forcing my body to relax – not an easy feat. After a few moments though, I finally got a hold of my senses and I felt normal. Well, my angst-levels were back to normal according to my standards, anyway.
"Did something bad ever happen to you that you think you did not deserve?" No, I wasn't changing the subject. Believe me, my question was relevant.
He took a moment to think about his answer. "Yeah. Lots of things." He paused. "But then, someone told me that I did deserve them, because of all the good things that had happened to me."
Okay. Hold up. What?
"What's that – the Great Equalizer?" I said crossly. "That's wrong."
He shrugged in a noncommittal way. "Maybe, or maybe not. We all have different perspectives. That answer came from someone whose life was full of anything but good things."
I snorted. "So for every good thing that happens to you, something bad will happen as well?" Figures. Life was such a bitch.
"That was what he believed. But that man's life was full of unpleasant things, and he never got anything good out of it."
"Sounds like someone I know," I muttered dryly, thinking of Rey. Then, feeling a strange spark of curiosity, I felt compelled to ask, "What kind of unfortunate things happened to you, anyway?"
He looked at me from the corner of his eye. Then, he sighed. "I guess our meetings have always been rather one-sided on your part, huh?" His lips curled up in half a smile. "I never told you, but I piloted a mobile suit in the last war."
I raised an eyebrow in astonishment. But I guess it should have been obvious, the way he seemed to understand every military thing that I spouted. So he was a fellow ZAFT soldier… "Oh, so you belonged to the military, huh? Under what unit?"
Now, the half-smile turned into a mysterious one. I got the impression that he didn't want to tell me about it. I shrugged. Hey, maybe he was ashamed of his unit; maybe they were a bunch of losers and they all got killed except him. Either way, I wasn't going to ask him again. I respected his privacy the same way he respected mine.
"In the middle of the war, I met a man from my past. A man driven by rage. He knew who – " he stopped himself and gave me a wry smile, " – rather, what I was. He was…bitter about lots of things. I guess you could say he was my nightmares personified."
"Sounds heavy."
"It was. It all seemed like a fairy tale – unrealistic. But it happened."
I did not know what the hell he was talking about, but I nodded anyway. "Did you ever think that it was unfair?"
"Many times. Many, many times." He sighed. "'Why me? Why not someone else?' Those questions often crossed my mind."
Yeah… Just as it was currently crossing mine.
He shrugged. "And then, we start asking, 'What if this? What if that?'"
If my family hadn't decided to leave Orb that day, would they still be alive? If I listened to Athrun, would I have ended up like this? If the Chairman had died earlier; if Rey wasn't so loyal; if I hadn't met Stellar; if I hadn't returned Stellar; if I hadn't 'killed' Meyrin and Athrun; if Stellar wasn't killed; if I had been able to beat Athrun in the last battle; if Rey had been able to beat the Freedom…
If, if, if, if, if, if…
"If we start blaming fate for everything that's happened, then we'd all eventually end up like Chairman Dullindal," he spoke quietly, as if reading my mind.
I turned my head to look at him so fast, that I heard it crick. "You know…?" I left the question hanging. Of course, he knew. Everybody knew. And it's all thanks to the Destiny Plan. But his answer still did not satisfy me. "So you're saying that whatever fate throws at us, we just have to lie down and accept it like men?"
He smiled. "Basically."
"No bargaining?"
"No bargaining. And…" he chuckled, "I don't believe in sentient beings like 'fate'."
I raised an eyebrow, thoroughly unconvinced. "So you're telling me that even after every unlucky thing that happened to you, you didn't even felt bitter or resentful or even downright…cheated?"
"I would be a hypocrite if I said no."
I was very tempted to tell him out loud just how weird I thought he was. He spoke in riddles – something that irritated me beyond words could say. But then again, I figured he'd just give me that god-annoying smile and go on his merry way. I shrugged instead, and buried my hands deeper into my pockets. It wasn't because of the cold, because the weather was always fine in the PLANTs. I just wanted to feel Mayu's cell phone in my hands.
"I still think I got the short end of the stick in this deal."
"What deal?"
I stared him straight in the eye. "I hate my life."
"But not so much that you can't bear to live it anymore," he pointed out.
I broke eye contact and shrugged. "Maybe. Basically, I'm just sticking around to see how much fucked-up my life could get. I was pretty sure I didn't do any bad stuff when I was a kid, but my family got killed. And then when I thought I was doing good, it turned out I wasn't and I ended up like this." I smiled bitterly. "So, what's left to do? Not do anything at all."
"You hate your current predicament," he muttered thoughtfully.
Duh? What have you learned in my hour-long rants about fate and crap? I kept my tongue in check, though.
"So, if you were given the chance to turn things back the way it used to be, would you do it?"
"With my whole family alive and everything back to normal?" I snorted. That was obvious. "In a freakin' heartbeat."
"Are you sure?" he pressed. "What about your friends?"
I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "What friends?"
He smiled, his eyes twinkling knowingly. "The ones who are still there with you, despite everything you've done. The ones who believed in you, when you didn't believe in yourself. The ones who trusted you, when you didn't even trust yourself."
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"I'm a clone."
Why, Rey? Why the hell did he have to tell me that? Because he wanted my sympathy? Because he wanted to tighten his hold on me? Because he wanted my trust? Rey might've been a little on the weird side, but I trusted him. Heck, I shared sleeping quarters with the guy! I trusted him with my life! He was my best friend.
But still…
Alright, confession time.
Luna and I had a talk that morning. She said that, like what happened between her and Meyrin, certain things needed to be faced in order for me to move on. And that included coming to terms with Rey's apparent 'betrayal'. Rey…knew a lot about me, about Luna, about Meyrin. But we never knew anything about him. He never disclosed any information about his family, or anything other than his passion for playing the piano.
Heck, we didn't even know when his birthday was…
But as I said before, we didn't mind it, because he was our friend.
A friend…
Athrun told me that I shouldn't believe in Rey's words. But I did. Because I trusted Rey, even more so than Athrun. Hell, why should I trust Athrun? I just fucking met the guy back then. But, Rey's words were even more convincing than the Chairman's. Why? Because he was my friend. A friend who supposedly watched out for me with supposedly good intentions.
Damn…
Damn it all to hell.
He fucking played with my emotions – even going so far as to twist my own words and use them against me – just to make me do the Chairman's bidding like a good lapdog!
He made me believe that he was someone that I could trust!
Was that the reason why he helped me save Stellar?
Was that the reason why he told me his deepest secret – that he was a clone?
Was that the reason why he was always there to guide me and help me with my 'projects'?
Was that the reason why he posed as my friend?
Luna told me. She told me about the things that Rey told her. Rey told her, after I shot down Athrun and Meyrin, that I wasn't the one to be blamed. Why? Because, apparently, ZAFT's ace did not need distractions such as those.
Everything he did, he did with an underlying purpose.
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When I came back, Luna was poring over a small cardboard box. She was so engrossed in it, that she didn't even notice that I was home. I sighed and made my way over to her. We still hadn't had a talk concerning her recent 'revelations'.
"Tadaima," I muttered softly, unconsciously reverting to my native tongue. She quickly looked up and I noticed the puzzled expression on her face. "Uh… I'm home," I translated. She gave me a wan smile, and I took it as a positive sign. It wasn't as if we weren't on speaking terms. I just didn't know how to face her after what she told me.
She was sitting cross-legged on the floor. Not wanting to evade her personal space, I decided to take my usual position on the leftmost portion of the couch. We stayed like that for awhile – her, mulling over the mysterious cardboard box and its contents, and me, staring blankly into space.
Finally, she cleared her throat. "Shinn," she began, eyes still on the cardboard box, "Vino and Youlant dropped by this afternoon. Well…since Rey didn't have any family, Executive Officer Trine thought it best to send us Rey's stuff."
Great. More Rey. She kept silent for a moment, probably waiting for some sort of response from me.
When it became apparent to her that I wasn't going to say anything, she spoke again. This time, her voice was small and hesitant. "Shinn… was Rey sick or something?" With that, she produced a familiar, clear box half-filled with equally familiar blue and white pills.
"I'm a clone."
He trusted me…and believed in me.
He believed that I would be able to protect the world he envisioned, where people like him and Stellar didn't exist.
"Athrun told Meyrin, that Rey was the one who shot the Chairman in the end."
Of course…
But of course, he would do anything to protect the world.
And then, with that, the tears came. I couldn't protect him. Maybe I was convincing myself that he wasn't worth protecting, to cover up for not being able to protect him.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Life operated on terms such as that.
What did he get in return for having such a miserable life?
A 'friend' like me?
Maybe I wasn't the only one who got the short stick in the bargain.
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So, what will happen next? Will Shinn finally realize that his Thursday-buddy is none other than the reclusive Kira Yamato? Will Luna continue with her plans to continue her studies? Will Shinn finally be able to get some answers about life's questions? And what is 'fate' anyway? And why does Shinn keep referring to it like it was some sort of person? And why do I keep telling you to tune in again next 'Thursday' when I don't even upload it during Thursdays?
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THANKS:
To my beta-reader, the ever supportive Lia lostsmile.
To those who offered constructive criticisms and reviews: koyuki-san, Maryam Khanoom, Twisted-Galaxy, dark.retreat, Darkmoon Fleur, Gambit01V2, TheBetanWerecat, dragon agility, Sunflower Seeds, Princess Ashes, Kageharu Kaco, Paronomastic Paragon, cloudedge, Garowyn, Green.On.Black, WillTheWatcher, manwe-varda team, and ChildO'God.
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I also thank those people who understand my plights as a writer. Writer's block is never easy to deal with, and I appreciate all those who still stick with my stories even though it takes me ages to update. I don't just post chapters for the sake of posting a new chapter. I pore and obsess over them before I do. Please don't think that I'm doing this to annoy you or to make me seem important. I apologize if I can't seem to write any faster, but please, understand that I am a student which goes through exams and life as well.