CHAPTER 15: Empty-handed
Silence.
That was what greeted Elizabeth as she entered the infirmary: quite the contrast to the rush of two Jumpers re-emerging through the Stargate several hours earlier. Upon entering the Jumper Bay, Elizabeth was relieved to find all those under her watch accounted for, even if they were short one lost Jumper.
In the chaos of their return, Elizabeth found herself at a loss for words. Every inch of them was covered in black soot and they all stumbled willingly toward the infirmary without a word. Sheppard was the worse for wear as he was lying unconscious on a gurney, air being pumped into his lungs and Beckett rubbing his sternum for a hopeful response. Standing with mouth agape, Elizabeth found herself standing alone in mere minutes of their return.
Still with no answers, but a satisfaction settling her nerves, Elizabeth searched for Carson to get the full report. Except Carson was sitting on the edge of a gurney himself, eyes downcast, hands wringing over one another. Alarm seized her heart and she rushed forward to stand before him.
"Carson? Carson, are you all right?" She asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He nearly jumped at her touch, his deep blue eyes rising to meet her own. There was something unsettling in those eyes…like detachment and shock.
"I couldn't save them all." He said and then silence once again settled between them.
Blinking hard, Elizabeth glanced around the infirmary, noticing for the first time that every bed was occupied. Some of the occupants were awake and coughing, others had succumbed to their exhaustion, and still others just sat there, staring into a void, just as Carson was.
"Carson…what happened on that planet? How is John?" She prodded gently. Carson continued to look down at the floor and took a few moments before responding. His voice was raw.
"The Colonel's gonna make it, God willing. Dr. Biro took over when my hands wouldn't stop shaking."
Carson paused for another long moment and Elizabeth found herself getting antsy. She had to know what had happened. Carson brought his gaze back to her, eyes shimmering.
"There's nothing left. They destroyed themselves. Ten thousand years of misunderstanding and heartache manifested itself into a grudge. Elizabeth: there was nothing we could do but get ourselves out of there before we became victims to their turmoil. Men. Women. Children. All of them gone."
Carson spoke no more. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he lowered his gaze once again, fixated upon the floor. Elizabeth took a step backwards and glanced around the room at all the shocked faces. They avoided her inquisitive gaze.
This was a thing of her nightmares, not reality.
She reached out and placed a comforting hand upon Carson's arm. He placed his own over hers in a thankful gesture, the smallest of smiles gracing his lips. His eyes met Elizabeth's once more.
"He's broken, Elizabeth, and I don't know how to fix him. I don't know if anyone can." Carson told her, his throat tightening with sadness. The passion this man possessed for those he cared for was unmatched by most doctors in any galaxy. He knew Elizabeth would try to do all that was in her power to make things right again, not just for John, for all of them. She could see that in his eyes and so much more. Undying trust.
She gave him a few pats and mustered a slightly playful smile.
"That's what Rodney's for, remember? Resident genius, or so he claims?"
Carson chuckled lightly and returned the smile in full.
"Aye."
-------o-------
He couldn't breathe.
Sheppard clutched at his throat, gasping in agony as a fiery sensation swept through his veins. He rocked from side to side, his body curling up against the pain. He was vaguely aware of Ronon prying his hands away to assess the damage. He did not like the look of panic is the usually stoic man's eyes. He felt a rough, calloused hand upon his neck applying pressure to an apparent wound there. Funny he could not remember how he had become injured in the first place.
Sheppard pounded his fists into the ground beside him, lying flat and allowing his legs to stretch out. The noises around him seemed amplified, he could hear every rustle of leaves, every bird flapping its wings, bubbling water, and heavy breathing...so heavy it hurt his ears. His vision blurred, everything simplified into hazy shapes of light and dark.
A metallic taste assaulted his tongue and he swallowed convulsively, the air coming to his lungs simply not satisfying the need. He knew he was in trouble, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it.
Ronon was distracted, looking away at something nearby. Sheppard tried to focus unwilling eyes but the jungle was getting dark...too dark. Yet wasn't even midday. His heart pounded loudly in his ears and he feared whatever threat was upon them would hear it and crush it. His fear came true and the last breath was stolen from him before he even had the opportunity to draw it in.
--o—
The medical team tried to subdue the thrashing colonel. His eyes were open wide, clouded over in delirium. His brief shouts were tinged in agony. He gasped for air, despite the constant feed of oxygen through a mask secured upon his face.
Carson injected the sedative before the colonel could do further damage to himself or to the others holding him down.
Just as quickly as it had started, Sheppard quieted down and succumbed to sedation.
A collective sigh of relief was exhaled.
-------o-------
Rodney lay in his bed, relishing in the silence of the late night infirmary. Ronon rested in slumber to his right, Sheppard under sedation to his left. Teyla lay curled up in a ball upon the bed to the other side of Ronon. Her eyes were open, but she did not meet his gaze. The Athosian appeared lost in thought. She looked so fragile: Rodney feared she would break from nothing more than a light touch.
Scarred. They were all scarred. The horrors they had witnessed could never be erased from their minds.
He found his mind meandering back to Risha. Was she still alive? The knowledge that woman possessed rivaled his own. He admired her for it, respected her. Even during his short time with her, he had developed a deep-rooted connection. He only wished he could have spent more time with her to unravel her secrets; however he knew they would have remained buried. Sorrow clutched at his heart. Risha had deserved so much more.
Swallowing against the sudden lump in his throat, Rodney cleared his thoughts of Risha. He was a stubborn man. Time was better spent thinking of oneself, not others!
Yet, his mind continued to drift away from his own wellbeing.
Sheppard.
He was at a loss with the colonel's actions on Herac. He had never seen such a ravenous, chilling look in his friend's eyes before. It unsettled him to the point that it was all he could see when he closed his eyes. What had happened to transform such a man of strength and honor? Where had it all gone so horribly wrong?
The poison. That was all he had to blame. Yet the weight of blame towards such a thing felt weak at best.
He tried to find reason: they had all just been trying to survive. Teyla, Ronon, Sheppard, himself, the Heracs... Unfortunately survival of the fittest ended here in the infirmary. There was no one left.
They had come to Herac in faith of ZedPMs, Coffee, and Chocolate. They came away empty-handed.
-------o-------
Dr. Weir read over the last line of the report on the blaring white screen before her. Major Lorne had submitted it over an hour ago and she had now read it a total of five times. It couldn't be right.
…in conclusion, the remaining people of Herac refused sanctuary. Fifteen in all.
Fifteen?
She wondered whether to disturb the major at such a late hour, but eventually concluded to wait until morning. She thought back to the day before yesterday, when she, Radek, and Rodney had discovered Herac in the Ancient database.
The population was listed at one million. Surely it couldn't have dwindled that severely over the past ten thousand years. And all evidence of technology had been erased from existence, as Lorne had quoted Rodney in the report. She shook her head, a headache beginning to send spikes of pain wrapping around her overworked brain. How was all this possible?
She recalled the looks upon the faces of all those who emptied so quickly out of the two Jumpers that returned. She couldn't shake it from her mind, in fact. Shell-shocked was the only thing to describe what she saw.
They were broken in some way. She didn't even know how to begin mending them all.
When she had later conferred with Dr. Beckett on the conditions of those confined to the infirmary, she got nothing more than an overwhelming sense of sorrow. She wanted to tell them all that it would be okay. Time heals all wounds (what a lie). But she knew her words would offer little to ease their pain.
The clock read two thirty-five. The headache was beginning to throb in her temples. Her eyes felt grimy and her body begged for rest. She pushed away from the desk and stood, stretching a few of the aches out of her body. Then, she headed down to the infirmary.
--o—
Elizabeth discovered that she wasn't the only one suffering insomnia on Atlantis. Nearly everyone in the infirmary was awake, though one couldn't tell from the deafening silence of the place. Only Ronon and Sheppard slept, and that was more through the power of drugs and exhaustion than anything else.
She found Carson puzzling over lab results in his office. His hair was up on end, his face haggard. Several empty Styrofoam cups lay strewn across the floor by his feet, remnants of coffee staining the inner rims.
She rapped her knuckles gently on the frame of the door. Startled, Carson let out a strangled noise and nearly flipped over in his chair. Papers flew into the air and he scrambled to reorganize them. Elizabeth knelt down to assist.
"Oh God, Carson, I'm so sorry."
His eyes were red from lack of sleep, and maybe something else. That haunted glaze hadn't left his eyes either. Carson gave her a quick smile, picked up the remainder of the papers and sat back in his chair as Elizabeth took a seat on the couch.
"I'm sorry, love. I was distracted." Carson replied hastily, as he rummaged through the papers to find the one he had been studying.
"Carson." Elizabeth blurted. The tone of her voice caused the doctor to freeze and meet her eyes. "How do we fix this?'
Physically deflating, Carson looked down, running a hand through his already messed hair. He blew out a breath and regained eye contact with Elizabeth. She didn't like what she saw.
Defeat.
"I don't know if we can." Came the answer.
Elizabeth shook her head.
"No, Carson. I won't accept that." She paused, studying the doctor's weary face. Her voice began to tremble as she continued. "Whatever happened on Herac…it's changed all of you. The passion, the fire that kept us all going despite everything we've been through these past three years? That's gone now Carson. And I want it back."
Carson swallowed harshly.
"I was barely there two hours and I can't sleep, I can't eat…all I see when I close my eyes are burned remains and helpless faces. I saw Sheppard kill a man with his bare hands: there was no remorse. The lad was out of his mind. And from what these labs are telling me, he was pumped up with adrenaline levels so high it should have killed him. That it nearly did but by the grace of God, he pulled through. And his team…they've not been spared either. The buggers should all thank their lucky stars that they're alive. They witnessed a horrible tragedy and they had no power to stop any of it. You can't fix that, Elizabeth. You just can't."
Tears had begun to well at the corners of Beckett's eyes and he made no move to hide the fact. Elizabeth just stared at him. There was nothing she could say. Nothing at all.
She stood up, paused as if to say something and looked to Carson once more, then turned and left his office. Her legs carried her further until she found herself standing before Sheppard's bed. She brought her arms up and hugged herself against the chill that had nothing to do with temperature.
She saw beyond the tubes and the sickly complexion. What she saw was suffering. Even in his sedated state, John Sheppard was in pain.
Sighing, Elizabeth could hold it in no longer. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her shoulders shook. Quiet sobs escaped her lips.
A hand drew her close and then an arm wrapped around her shoulders. Through the tears, she saw who had come to comfort her and allowed a small smile to interrupt the sobs.
"It'll be okay, love. We'll get through this."
-------tbc-------