CHAPTER 18: Good Days and Bad Days
How does one move on from tragedy?
One step in front of the other? One day at a time? Could it really be that simple?
Those who had been to the planet of Herac alone knew the answer. Among the rest of the expedition members, the word itself had become vain: anyone who spoke it were instantly hushed and deterred from further conversation.
Elizabeth found herself losing the connection she prided in having with the expedition members. Guilt and doubt plagued her. If only they hadn't discovered the planet in the database, if only they had dug a little deeper and did their homework, if only….
If only.
No one from Atlantis had been killed. That should have been a consolation of some kind. But on the other hand, an entire civilization was gone.
Did her team step into an already doomed situation or did they initiate it? She wanted to believe the former, but something tugged at her mind. Something in the report she received from Teyla, the only one on the team, in fact, to bother writing one. The Heracs had mistaken them for the Ancients. Mistaken identity aside, these people possessed a deep hatred for the Ancients. There was bitterness there. Why?
No, she finally decided. Whatever had transgressed in the last ten thousand years since the Ancients left the Pegasus Galaxy had doomed the Heracs. Not her team. It had simply been the matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not even she could have prevented that.
And so Elizabeth made her peace. It was time for her team to do so, as well.
-------o-------
Sheppard had polished his boots to a nice shine.
The problem was, they had been shining about an hour ago, but now the boots had become abraded by his constant polishing. He just couldn't seem to get the dirt off.
Anger was just below steaming in his blood and he was doing everything in his power to simmer it before things got worse.
From time to time during his slow recovery, he caught glimpses, or sensations, of his time separated from his team on Herac. He knew by instinct more than fact that he had done many things against his very nature. It disturbed him to the core but there was little to be done for it. He had transformed into an animal in that heightened state. He had reacted on instinct.
He had simply been trying to survive.
Or at least that's what he kept telling himself. Not being able to remember was almost as upsetting as the anger that seemed to be ever present upon really waking in the infirmary.
His team had noticed. They weren't exactly in top form after their experiences on the planet either. But at least they seemed to have come to terms with it, in whatever way they could.
But not Sheppard, no, he simply kept things boiling on the inside with a nice cool facade on the outside. He refused downright to deal with the emotions swirling within him. Carson had started to prod and Elizabeth had mentioned a thing or two about taking some time to relax, but he simply shrugged them off and isolated himself from the rest of Atlantis. After all, he selfishly surmised, none of them had gone through what he had. From the little he could recall, he had killed – not out of defense, but heated rage.
He rubbed vigorously at his boots for another fifteen minutes before he could take it no longer. He threw them into the wall opposite him. With a satisfying crash, they bounced off, struck his guitar and nightstand, and sent everything down into a pile of disheveled personal effects.
-------o-------
Atlantis had become too claustrophobic for him. He had to get out. Which was why Rodney found himself standing on the Eastern Pier this early in the morning, watching the early light sparkle upon rippling waves as far as the eye could see.
It took him a moment to notice a presence just over his shoulder. He turned, spooked, to find Sheppard gazing over the waters.
"Gees…Sheppard! You could have given me a heart attack!" He spat, one hand splayed across his heart.
"Sorry."
There was no witty comeback. Rodney missed that. He silently observed the colonel as he stood, arms crossed, one hand tucked close to his rib cage. Sheppard had been doing that a lot lately, trying to hide the residual hand tremors. The colonel had not walked away from this mess unscathed in any way.
The expression on his face was quite the opposite of the serenity they were witnessing. There was distress, hurt, and an anger that would not abate.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Rodney jutted his chin out. He was determined to make this a good day…for all of them.
Sheppard remained quiet.
"You know, I presumed we'd never get to see such wonderful sunrises and sunsets like this once we left Earth. I fully believed we'd be stuck in the bowels of some space vessel or worse, some backwater planet with no technology for me to…."
"Rodney!" Sheppard snapped just as Rodney realized what he was saying, or rather, reminding them of. The anger in his eyes was palpable and had Rodney avoiding eye contact completely.
Sheppard took a deep breath and tried to relax by unfolding his arms and allowing them to hang loosely at his sides. Tremors be damned.
"Let's just…watch the sunrise, shall we?" Came the defeated apology, if one could call it that.
"Sure." Rodney muttered. He glanced sideways at his friend. He could see the internal struggle on the man's face. Sheppard was barely holding his own, but by God, he was doing it. Sorrow tugged at Rodney's heart and he thought once again of Risha. The bravery and the strength of that woman had left a mark on Rodney. He was stronger because of it.
That is how Teyla and Ronon found their two teammates: standing in mutual silence but nonetheless appreciating each other's company. They came to stand on either side of the two men and turned to the sea.
Sparkles danced upon blue below golden rays. A new day was full of promise. And that was enough for them.
-------o-------
Sheppard found he was enjoying more and more of the salty breeze of the ocean these days, perched either on a balcony or a pier to clear his mind. On this day, it was a balcony situated just off the main quarters. The hiss of a door opening and closing announced someone interrupting his silence.
He turned slightly to see Elizabeth smile and come over to stand beside him. She crossed her arms to gaze out at the sea and then she turned her face towards him, seeking eye contact. He continued staring away from her. It was too difficult to allow others to peer into his soul, it was too early.
"Sometimes it's not okay."
Raising an eyebrow, Sheppard frowned at Elizabeth.
"Is that supposed to be comforting?"
"It's survival, John. Acceptance. We do everything we can to cope, to move on, to see the sun rise on a new day." Elizabeth reasoned. She allowed her arms to drop to her sides and came to stand before him, blocking his view.
"What if there's no point?" He said, allowing Elizabeth to see his pain clear in his eyes.
"I'm sorry?" She hadn't seen that coming.
"What's the point of living if it's not going to be okay. If things aren't going to get better? If you can't cope?" He searched her face for the answer, but saw only deep concern. She was at a loss for words.
"Yeah, I didn't think you had an answer for that one."
He turned and made to leave when Elizabeth grabbed his arm. The one that had finally decided to listen to his commands and cease to shake every once in a while. He stared at her until she reluctantly let go. There was a fire in her eyes now; she was just getting warmed up.
"I'll tell you what the point is! To prove everyone wrong. To not give up. To….to find happiness again. It can happen you know. People don't just drop dead on the first bad day they have."
"This isn't just some bad day…" Sheppard stated, raising his voice. Elizabeth shook her head.
"No! Stop it, John. Stop blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You are a human being. Everyone makes mistakes. This was a horrible, horrible situation and I wish to God that things could have been different, but…we're here now, we survived. Yes, a lot of people died. There is nothing we can do about that now." She searched his eyes. He took a deep breath, looking away in emotional pain he didn't want her to witness.
"If they could have just seen beyond the fact that the Ancients left…." His voice died away. Elizabeth placed a hand on his cheek and gently turned him to face her.
"John. You're angry with yourself for everything that happened on Herac. It's in your nature to protect and preserve life. You failed. You failed because you were poisoned and had no control over your actions. It's that simple. Accept it. Maybe even learn from it. Just promise me, promise me, you won't become bitter." She let go of her hold on him and headed towards the exit. She paused and turned to face him once more, a knowing smile on her face, her eyes alit with determination.
"Because that would be the ultimate irony in all of this. And then you would be no better than them."
Sheppard found himself speechless.
"Just please, John, please realize that we're trying to help you. We're family, here, all of us. We don't give up on each other."
She left without waiting for a response. Sheppard only smiled in her wake. Damn, if she didn't have a way with words.
-------o-------
Tat-tat-tat.
The report of gunfire echoed from above. Sheppard had his own gun lowered, with Rodney mirroring his actions across from him. Ronon had his blaster trained on a doorway behind them, while Teyla peered into a corridor just to their left.
Another routine mission. How refreshing it was for all of them. Even if they were in the midst of a potentially fatal gunfight with hostile natives on yet another planet.
Backup was already on the way. They had been holed up in this cocoon of an underground research facility for hours, holding their own.
"Sir, we're above your position now. Shall we introduce them to the drones?" Major Lorne's jolly voice called over the radio.
Sheppard shared a smile of relief with his teammates and glanced toward the ceiling.
"Fire away, Lorne, fire away!"
At the same moment, an influx of natives came barreling in, ready to fight the team hand-to-hand. They obliged, proceeding to kick the natives' asses. Turns out these guys weren't as gifted with the self-defense tactics.
Ronon smashed a fist into one man's face and as he turned to look for more hostiles, he caught Sheppard's eye.
For the first time, all was right again. The team was back in tune with each other. They were saving the day. It was the best damn feeling in the universe.
Sheppard gave him a nod and the two charged forward into a cluster of hostiles with eager anticipation. A loud explosion muffled by the layers of ground sheltering them from above met their ears. Debris briefly rained down in thin sheets. The rest of the natives took a hasty retreat. Rodney gave a whoop of celebration and Teyla smiled. Sheppard and Ronon nodded to each other their approval for a fight well done.
Taking time to catch their breath, the team looked at one another through tired eyes. The excitement of a successful mission was ever present in their faces. They were all smiling from ear to ear. And to simply see such giddiness on each of their faces had them all cracking up with laughter. They were doing what they loved most and they had just survived another day. It was an intoxicating feeling to be alive.
There were good days and there were bad days since Herac.
This was a very good day.
------- THE END -------
Damn am I glad this is finally finished! I don't ever want to write another long fic as long as I live. Can you believe I started this thing in June 2006? Family drama, six kittens, a new apartment, financial distress, depression, and a recovery later, I finally completed what I started. What a struggle, but yay for me!
Thank you sooooo much to all of those who stuck with the fic and for those who left feedback. It is much appreciated. And thanks so much to Titan5 for looking things over! In honor of all of you, I have built a virtual chocolate Atlantis. Snap off a spire or bite off a section of a pier. Yummy!
I have another fic in the works, believe it or not, tentatively titled Irony, which is based off a challenge I created. You can check out the details of the Whump from a Hat Challenge on my LJ; the address you'll find in my bio here on ffnet.