I am not Kazuya Minekura.
A/N: A big THANK YOU (again) to kenihiko and Jayne-Aural for reviewing! Also to Eyes of Shinigami for the morale support!
I really don't know what 'absolute perfection' is, so I'm using my own delusional view of the concept. (That's why the 'perfect' people don't really seem 'perfect' in their category, or something…)
I hope you understand event the slightest bit of my messed- up fic… I don't know how to make it better.
sobs… it's kinda long.
Note: I was able to slip in enough time to proof- read... re- edited version. (there's actually not much changes, except for correcting the typos :D)
Oh… I must thank the Webster's New College II Dictionary. It drove me crazy just checking the parts of speech that are applicable to some words...
WARNING: The language is incredulous.
Chapter Two: WTF?!
"Sanzo! Sanzo! Sanzooo!!!"
Damn. It's the saru. What the hell does he want?The monk's eyes fluttered to open…
"Hello, my disciple. What is the matter?" replied the blonde.
What the fuck?! Where the hell did that come from?He tried lifting his hand to bring out his fan, concealed in his robes….
Nothing.
Instead, his body involuntarily stood up.
"Uhh… Sanzo, are you okay? I saw you on the sleeping on the ground and it was real weird." Goku mumbled. The brunette was skeptical towards his keeper's sudden… concern. He even seemed a bit… no, REALLY nice!
"I'm fine, my infantile Goku, is there something disconcerting you?" the man said.
"Who are you?! What did you do to the real Sanzo?! Sanzo's not nice, an' he doesn't use BIG WORDS!" the boy cried.
The monk got somewhat mad… "I am appalled! Son Goku, I am your master, the greatest Buddhist in the world! You must pay your respects to me, for I am one of the supreme-…"
"Sanzo-" Goku tried to interrupt but he didn't think it was wise to but in, when 'this' Sanzo was talking… even though he knew this wasn't HIS Sanzo, he was absolutely certain that the amethyst- eyed man before him had HIS Sanzo's body.
'Unless…' Goku thought, 'they cloned Sanzo! Or made a carbon copy of him!'… no, that wasn't possible. He knew it. This was Sanzo's body alright! … he could smell it.
"-…I am the most superlative man in the world, the one human closest to god and Buddha. Although there are other Sanzo's, I am the best! I was named the 21st Toa…" the monk continued rambling.
What the heck? Damn it! What's with that trash coming outta my mouth?!
"… a great man, Koumyou Sanzo passed on what has been a Buddhist tradition that…" the 'fake' Sanzo continued ranting.
How dare he?! My master… This bastard won't get to see tomorrow, when I'm through with him!. Sanzo felt so helpless… no matter how much anger he could summon, all he seemed to do was feel his lips moving, but the words coming out of his mouth weren't his.
"Shut up, you damned priest!" a third party suddenly interrupted. "After I come home from the brothel's this is how you greet me? By boring me to tears?" the voice scoffed.
The kappa was up before I was?
Goku turned around to see Gojyo behind him.
"Gojyo! Dontcha think there's something wrong with Sanzo? He's PREACHING! He ne'er used tah do that!" the monkey told the kappa.
"Hell, yeah. Only a dimwit would be a monk! He's wasting his time chanting and holding prayer beads thinking it'll fucking save him to go to Nirvana or shit! A 'better place' they say… MY DICK! When yah cross the line to the next world, it doesn't fucking matter! Nothing's better than a hott woman, under you, panting and calling your name! He should get some pussy, damn it!"
What are these words coming out of my mouth?! I have to admit I believe them, with all my heart and soul…but that's not the point! I ain't saying anything! What's wrong with the monk? What's wrong with me! I can't control nothing! Gojyo, snap out of it!!!
Hey kappa! I can hear you, fucking pervert! Shut the fuck up, it was already annoying without you!
"Gojyo! What's wrong with you?! What's happening?" the monkey sobbed.
Sanzo! You can hear really hear me, this is no time for jokes, you corrupt monk! I ain't controlling myself! I think you should start being SERIOUS... this situation we're in is seriously fucked up, damn it! Gojyo said desperately.
Hey, kappa... you're right.
Gojyo was in shock. Sanzo was AGREEING with him.
YA THINK?! Dumb assed cockroach!
Hey! I finally think that I should give you a minuscule amount of my respect, so that a hott chick would feel my awesomeness through that microscopic reverence I SHOULD'VE had for you, but yah wasted your opportunity to taste even a bit of my over- whelming greatness! (A/N: I shouldn't have put this...)
The monk said two things...
Haha. YOU WISH!
Why you corrupt monk...!
"Oh my." Another person joined in.
"Hakkai! There's something really funny goin' on with Sanzo and Gojyo! Gojyo's more pervert-y and green an' Sanzo's nice and monk-y!!! Something mustah happened to them! Please don't be weird too!" the monkey was exasperated.
"No worries, Goku." The emerald- eyed man smiled. "I'm normal… and I know what happened to those two."
HE DOES?! The monk and the water sprite thought, simultaneously.
Yeah, I do.
Hey 'Kai! How come you and the monkey are the only ones normal? Why can you 'read' our thoughts? The monkey's as clueless and useless, as ever!
You better get us out of this quick, or I'll kill you!
Hakkai didn't show any signs of uneasiness with Sanzo's intimidation.
You're in no position to make threats, Sanzo.
Tch.
Haha! Brainless monk! You're getting as dumb as the monkey!
Fuck off, cockroach!
Haha! Suck my cock!
"Uhh, Hakkai, what are you doing? Why are you talking to yourself?" Goku asked suddenly.
"Oh, sorry Goku…" Hakkai apologized.
"Damn you, stupid monk, go fuck a goat! Get your holy ass laid already!" the 'other' Gojyo yelled.
"How dare you have the audacity to insinuate that I shall tolerate such a diabolical act of nonsense! If you persist to continue, I shall be forced to draw forward my prowess and personally summon my omnipotent competency of forceful Buddhism on you. Now, vanish from my optical horizon!" (A/N: All hail Webster's!) shouted the 'other' Sanzo.
"What's with all the fancy talk, Sanzo- sama? I know you're doing all this 'cause you want my body… dirty monk!" jeered the kappa.
"I don't see any relevance or sense to what you have just stated, unholy one." countred the blonde.
Wow. I'm impressed! Even if the real 'Sanzo' and 'Gojyo' aren't here, their love remains! The only difference is that Gojyo's become more promiscuous and Sanzo more… err… holy. (A/N: Oops, something very unlike Hakkai !)
Shut up, 'Kai! We're already in a bad situation, here, you're not helping!!!
Damn it! At the stir of the moment, that was all Sanzo could come up with.
"Come with me." Hakkai told Goku. The healer brought the boy downstairs to the library, leaving the 'fakes' behind.
"And so…?" Goku questioned.
The green- eyed man showed Goku a book entitled, "The Book of Heavenly Beings"… it had royal colors of gold and scarlet. There were intricate illustrations of the great beings know in heaven. They were beautifully drawn and each page was covered in varnish.
Hakkai sighed, "Do you remember why there was so much free food a while ago?"
"YEAH!" he replied, enthusiastically. "I remember there was soup, an' chicken, and, crab, an' pork buns and…"
"Yes, Goku, I'm aware of that… but do you know WHY there was food?" he asked slowly.
"Um… No."
'Kai turned the book to the page entitled, 'The Goddess of Perfection'. A picture of a stunning woman with long black hair was there.
"You see, it was this lady's feast." Hakkai pointed at the goddess. "When you were eating, she appeared to us."
Goku nodded.
"The woman wanted us to go downstairs and celebrate with you-" he was cut off by the chimp.
"See! I told yah guys!!! You should eat! I toldja! Tol'ja so, tol'ja so!" the boy chanted.
Hakkai started to twitch. He gathered up what was left of his patience and tried to continue explaining what happened to this kid.
"Goku, please calm down." Hakkai said coldly, even with his plastered smile on his face.
Goku stopped, "Sorry, Hakkai."
"As I was saying, she wanted us to celebrate her feast with everyone else, but Sanzo and Gojyo fought…" her tried to make it succinct and simple enough, so that the monkey may comprehend. "she said her name was Misou-"
At the mention of food, Goku began to jump. "Miso! I love Miso soup! Ne, Hakkai, is she the goddess of food? Does she make good soup? I love ramen too!"
"Ahem…" Hakkai butt in.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
"Goku, please be quiet until I'm dome explaining, and she's not the Goddess of FOOD, she's of PERFECTION." He pointed once again at the lady on the well- published paper and underlined the title with his finger.
The monkey noded.
He didn't know what was wrong with the boy, but whatever it was, after all those years of putting up with his childish attitude, plus first- hand experience with way moreannoying, more thick- skulled, a tiny whee bit less dense, (A/N:... and the adverbs and adjectives continue...), and way noisier kids, he knew he could tolerate it.
He sighed once more. "Anyway, she got mad and threw dust all around us. I was able to put up a barrier with my chi to be able to block myself from majority of the powder… so, I was barely affected. The only symptoms showing I took any of it in, is that I can 'hear' the real Sanzo and Gojyo's thoughts."
"Really? What's Sanzo thinking now?" Goku asked curiously.
"I can't hear them right now, I think it's probably because when they think, it's just like them talking, but only the three of us can hear, so we would have to be in 'talking range'."
"Aw, unfair!" the saru pouted.
Hakkai let Goku's interruption go, even if he did tell him to stay quiet.
He continued.
"Unfortunately, they inhaled everything and are now stuck with this curse." Hakkai showed Goku the picture of a gold bag with brownish dust inside. "According to this book, the curse is called 'Mary Sue'" he took a deep breath, and continued with his elucidation.
"A Mary Sue is someone annoyingly perfect." He kept brief. "Since Sanzo is a monk, he became a 'Mary Sue'- monk, an ideal one. Which means, he'll be very virtuous and will cope with all his followers' expectations and requests... but for some reason, he has a problem with his ego... that's the only flaw I see in his being a 'perfect monk' unless of course, that's how the Buddhist monks preach, I'm not to sure."
(A/N: Hakkai is a Christian... or so I've heard.)
"Well, to me, a person with an extroverting ego, has one to cover up his or her low self- esteem... well, that's how I see it. I wonder how this is affecting the REAL Sanzo..."
Goku didn't understand majority of the words spewing out of Hakkai's mouth... for instance there was this certain word... veertwuuwos... WHASSAT?!
Nevertheless, he decided to listen in silence, not to disrupt his older comrade's lecture.
"... for Gojyo, he's become the ultimate pervert."
Hakkai grimaced, "I think he's starting to practice S & M… and it's only been a day! 'Mary Sue' is said to last for at least a week... I dread the day when Gojyo starts to do Bestiality!"
"Hey, Hakkai, what's S & M an' Bestiality?" Goku asked honestly.
Oops. He forgot he was talking a kid.
"Ah, never mind" Hakkai grinned.
'Who would've thought I'd make such a mistake? Hakkai thought to himself. 'When Gojyo starts doing bestiality, he would finally be able to do it with his own kappa kind.' he chuckled.
The language here is somewhat disturbing… it's utterly twisted, as well… SORRY :)
Excuse the ellipses, too! I think I put too many Author's Notes.
I must apoplgize for the grammar. I just re- edited it... and it almost seems as though, I've made this fic's obscurity more obvious and made shine out... not good.
Oh well...
If you want the previous (not that edited) one better, please don't hesitate to send me a delightful PM.
Since I've just proof- read it... I don't know if there are still anymore typographical errors, sorry... that would be so pathetic.
yeah.
I need HELP and IDEAS! My brain isn't working... After all that load we've been doing here, it's been really hectic. It's amazing I was able to squeeze some time for my measely Chapter 2.
teehee.
Maybe, humor isn't my 'thing'… they're very out of character, especially Hakkai! But then, maybe… just maybe that's how Hakkai really thinks. O.O.