A/N:

Shannakin: Well, here it is.. a slightly shoddy piece of work that was written a year or two ago.. I just felt the insane desire to post.. not my fault, I blame the media.

Oh! And...

Disclaimer: I'm George Lucas. No REALLY...

Chapter 2: VIOLENCE IS HAPPY!!!

Leia, Han and Chewie came back to the DEATH STAR saturated with oriental sustenance.

"Mmmmmmmmmm...pork..." Moaned Han.

"Uhhhh, stomach cramps..." moaned Leia.

"Grrrrrrraaaaaaaawwwwwwwwlllllll" Grrraaawwwlll-ed Chewie.

"Sooooo... y'think Luke's dead yet?" Leia grinned eagerly as they opened the door.

"Almost," A feeble voice came from the ground. Luke, who had apparently vomited the remains of his lunch out, was now lying on the floor trying fruitlessly to get up.

"Should we just let him lie there?" Leia asked, looking at him with obvious disgust.

"Or kill him and put him out of his misery?" Said Han, rubbing his hands together, his fingers reached for his blaster he had stuck in his holster.

"Yeah!!" Leia said, eyes brightening immediately.

"No!! No!! Don't kill me!!" Luke pleaded, his hands groping the shiny tiles for any means of escape.

"Don't kill him yet!" A new voice chorused. "He'll die soon enough!"

"OBI-WAN!?!?!?!?!!?" Han and Leia said in unison.

"No shit, Sherlock," Obi Wan said, materializing out of thin air, still looking quite young and incredibly alive.

"Didn't dad kill you?" Luke asked from the floor. "I cried into my pillow for a day after that!! Well, actually, I cried for about five minutes, then went and blew up some tie fighters, so I was happy." and he broke down and began to sob, fat tears leaking down his cheeks.

Leia aimed a swift kick to his temple. That shut him up.

"You really didn't grow out of that violent streak your dad gave you, did you?" Han said.

"Obviously not," she said, kicking Luke once again in the ribs, puncturing several vital organs.

Luke gave a stifled squeal, till blood dribbled from his mouth and he fell silent.

"I always hoped I'd marry a woman like you," Han smiled.

Leia grinned sheepishly.

"Ok, getting a little afraid now," Obi-Wan said. "and no, your FATH-er, Ana-KIN, only killed my demented cousin Ben."

"Ben?"

"Ben." he said with finality.

"Ben?!'

"Ben, you fools! Ben!"

"So... why not kill Luke now?" Leia grumbled.

"Uhhhhhhh..." Obi-Wan took his time searching for an explanation, "We need him to bring us water at the game so we don't get dehydrated." he finished lamely.

"So we can pick on him then?" piped in Han.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "I can't see why not,"

Everyone could clearly see Leia was itching to throttle Luke in his sleep, so Obi-Wan picked him up and dragged him to the nearest bacta tank, making sure to drag him over the most hard and uncomfortable parts of the floor. Leia giggled with anticipation.

Just then, lord Vader re-appeared, sporting a good deal of dents in his helmet. Everyone wondered why.

"Why do you have dents in your helmet, I wonder?" blathered Han (who was the head of the obvious statements/questions department for the moronic group)

"Er, Coach Weenis is experiencing technical, er, physical difficulties. When I tried to give him a shot for sleep, he like, totally freaked out on me! I mean, he kicked my helmet! KICKED MY HELMET!! No one kicks the helmet!!" He wheezed in his eerily mechanical voice.

"Well, he is our coach. Maybe we can kill him and or seriously maim him after the game." Han suggested.

"Well, he won't be awake for a while, I punched him once pretty good in his ribcage."

"Like I did to Luke!" Leia squealed excitedly.

"Good job, honey," Vader smiled. "That's my little girl! If I had eyes, I would tear up!"

Just then, Obi-Wan spotted Vader.

"You!" Obi-Wan shrieked.

"You!" Vader said, but they were sure if he could show emotion, he would have.

"You killed my cousin!" Obi-Wan yelled.

"You never gave me the Star Wars Lego set I wanted for my birthday!" Vader sobbed.

(If he could.)

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST SHUT IT? WE'RE ON THE SAME FREAKIN' HOCKEY TEAM!" Han shouted.

"Nooooooooo!!!!" Vader screamed, in his annoyingly irritating fashion, holding his hands to his head.

"Psst," came a disembodied voice inside Vader's head.

"What?" He said impatiently.

"You already used that line!"

"Oh, did I?"

"Yeah, when Padme 'DIED'."

"Oh, right."

Everyone was staring dumbfounded as Vader mumbled to thin air. Chewbacca was seriously wondering whether or not he would be mentally stable enough to play center forward.

Meanwhile, Luke was waking up, as was coach Weenis.

" Where am I?!" Luke shrieked, starting to cry once again. "Have the pink bunnies stopped attacking? Where's my x-wing fighter? I want MOM!!" He put his thumb in his mouth and started sucking vigorously.

"Where have the rainbows gone?" Cried Weenis, discovering he was in a concrete cell that smelled vaguely of medicinal supplies.

"Oops, I think he's awake," Vader said, looking at Luke as he twitched.

"Ggggraaaaaaawwwwwlllll!" Said Chewie.

"You're right, better give him another kick, might shut him up." Han said.

"No! No! I'm awake..." and he passed out from loss of blood.

"He needs blood!" Vader groaned.

"Why don't you give him some?" prodded Han.

"Shut up, inarticulate son in law!" Vader said. "I barley have enough to sustain

myself! Blithering idiot!"

"Leia..." they all said at once.

"Uh-uh!!" shouted Leia, wrapping her arms about herself. "My blood! MINE!!"

"Okay, don't freak out or anything!" Vader said as Han snuck up to her from behind, a lethal looking needle with a serrated edge drawn like a sword. He stuck it in her back and drew enough blood to sustain Luke for another night. His body would create enough blood by morning.

(They hoped.)

Just then, Weenis staggered into the hallway, where he met a most interesting sight.

Han, Vader and Obi-Wan were standing around Leia and Luke. Luke seemed to be mortally wounded while Leia tried desperately to clutch at her back screaming all the while,

"HAN YOU SELFISH MORON!! HOW COULD YOU DRAW BLOOD FROM YOUR OWN WIFE WITHOUT CONSULTING
HER FIRST???!!!!"

"Actually, it was quite easy, I just stabbed the needle into your back and drew the blood. Like this!!" He then stabbed Chewbacca with the needle with enough force to nearly kill him, although it barely got through the matted mass of tangled fur. "RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLWWWWWWWW!!!!" Chewie ralw-ed.

"Oh, suck it up, you big fur ball!" Han said, yanking the needle back out.

"Is this my TEAM?!" Coach Weenis cried, flinging his hands to his face.

"Yes," They all said in unison. Except for Luke, who was once again out cold.

"Holy crap!! Have you any dignity whatsoever?"

"Mmmmmm...don't think so," Han thought openly.

"If I had it, I would be the ruler of it!!" Vader said, showing, once again, his strange desire to rule things.

"Definitely not," Obi-Wan said.

"What's dignity?" Leia asked, looking momentarily puzzled.

"Grrrrrrrroooooooooollllllllll!!" Yowled Chewie.

Luke groaned from the floor.

Just then, Yoda appeared out of thin air leaning on his staff to support his tiny bulk.

"Appeared, I have," He said, his huge eyes bugging wildly out of his head.

"Whoa, man, you have some serious issues," Han began, but Leia sucker punched him in the stomach.

"Ow," He said, feeling internal bleeding.

"Oh, what do you want, you crazy old man?" Vader asked, swirling his cape in an annoyingly irritating fashion.

"Part of this hockey team, I am," replied Yoda, sitting on the floor examining Luke. "Beat this weak man, you have. Why such violence, I ask?" He said, poking Luke's head with his staff.

"Meh, he was just existing. You know how it goes," Leia said, stomping down hard on Luke's head with her high heeled foot. That would cause a major welt to form in the morning.

"Anyone have a computer? I have a sudden urge to drop one on his head." Her face lit up with insanity and she looked around, obviously hoping someone would just pull one out of their back pocket.

"Anyone up for some practice? We'll need to be in top form to play our opposing team!" Weenis said happily, clapping his hands together.

Everyone looked murderous.

He didn't seem to notice because he turned around and walked down the hallway, looking left and right.

"Whereabouts would you happen to keep your rink? You obviously must have a changing room too, or else...I don't know what would happen if a team didn't have a change room. It's probably something completely horrible or else they would have said something about it."

"Should we grab him now?" Han whispered into Leia's ear.

"NOW!!" She screamed. Everyone leapt at Weenis, who was completely unaware that he was about to be beaten senseless by three jedi ( one of whom was a whiny insufferable pip-squeak, another a decrepit little..thing! The other a thirty-something year-old man I said he was still young, darshnit! an incredibly angry princess in serious need of therapy, a pilot, a large furry Wookiee, and a tall (once handsome) jedi in a shiny black suit who had apparently joined the dark side and...oh dear I've gone cross eyed...anywho...they were about to gouge his eyes out when he yelled (in an incredibly commanding voice for a complete doofus) ..."STOP!"

They were all so surprised that they stopped in their tracks, which happened to be those of a train, sufficiently surprised by the authority in Coach's voice.

" If you beat on me now!!!" He thundered, "I swear..I'LL MAKE YOU DO THE MOST HORRIBLE ON ICE DRILLS...EVER!!!!!!!!!"

"What's drills?" Leia asked.

"Ggggrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwwllllll!" Growl-ed Chewie.

"You said it," exclaimed Han.

"I'm so confused," Obi-Wan cried, sobbing into his hands.

It was Weenis's turn to look murderous. "You don't even know what drills are?" He whispered dangerously.

They all shook their heads.

"Show me to your rink. NOW!!" He screamed.

A/N: So, there you have it... I fear this story may not be continued, as we must deal with the minor inconvienience of NightRain having moved across the county. But, I, Shanni McShannakin will ALWAYS be here for you, so.. I'll do what I can.

You should review.. Thats what Superman would do. (ooh, bad rhymes!)