Disclaimers: I still don't own a thing about Supernatural, and I'm damn glad Kripke does, because we couldn't have gotten a better owner.
Notes: Title and inspiration from the song "The Gift", by Seether.
Spoilers: Not really. Not direct ones, at least.
Summary: Sam is terrified
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The Gift
Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
Sam tries to control them sometimes. Make them stop before he can see it all, or try to smother them as soon as the dizziness comes, before they can explode into his head. He tries to erase them completely, tear them out of his body like a tumor. It never works.
He reaches out to Dean after each and every one of them, and Dean holds him, catches him before he can plummet into the threatening darkness. It doesn't bring the relief he craves for, but at least he's not alone in this, and he tries to make it a reason to hold on to. It's good enough every time.
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by
He fails. The number of people he doesn't manage to save increases, it's more and more blood on his hands.
Dean says it's not his fault, says he couldn't know, echoes his own words and says they can't save everyone. But Sam knows better. He knows he could do more than this, should do more than this, and if he can't make some good out of this curse, how is he supposed to get by?
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all
The fear is unbearable. It clenches his stomach, makes him sicker than what the visions themselves do. It crushes his chest, until it's all he can do to breathe. His eyes look around frantically for anyone who would understand. But there is none, and Sam swallows down the scream of terror that would get their attention, because he can't tell them where it's coming from. He hides away, comes out only when a vision tells him to, and it feels like drowning. When people frown at his grimaces of pain, when they ask about his pale skin and the sweat that breaks out on his forehead, pretending to be normal is the most sickening lie he's ever had to tell, because he knows now, he has no chance to be.
I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
Sam knows saving as many people as he can is the only way to atone for what he might become. But defeat is just around the corner, and every time he runs against time and loses, it's all he can do not to fall to his knees and cry.
Every morning, he looks inside the mirror and wonders for how long will he be seeing Sam Winchester staring back at him, before the monster comes.
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy
When he was a kid and Dean had just reached his twenties, his brother used to say he was the most defiant creature to ever be put on Earth. He said it gruffly, but Sam has always known Dean was both annoyed and proud by this side of his personality.
He doesn't feel defiant anymore. He wishes he could grab his destiny and snarl in its face, daring it to get the best of him. Fact is, there is no challenge anymore, because it feels like destiny has already won.
Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need
Sam doesn't know what he needs anymore. It's like he's missing a piece of himself, and he knows he's not going to have it back.
Dean reaches out sometimes, when he's not strong enough to do it himself, and Sam lets his brother watch out for him, and pretends that it's enough. It kills him that it isn't, and he knows that if he was ever to tell Dean, it would kill him, too. So he keeps silent, and flashes his brother grateful smiles, hoping they look like relief.
Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me
It's a lie. All of it. He tells himself that it's going to be all right, that he's going to get the best of these visions someday. He lets Dean tell him. But it tastes bitter in his mouth and sounds hollow to his ears. He tries to drop the lying one day, and the hole that opens up under him it's so dark and deep that he looks into the mirror and resumes the charade right away.
I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
.FIN.