Chapter 31

House sat in the chair in his office, twirling his cane. The others had filed out slowly after 'the incident'. Cuddy and the ducklings, Chase included, had gone to speak to the family. Wilson had lingered, but one glare from House was all it took for him to leave as well.

House had screwed up, and was in no mood for a lecture about it. He knew he was right, but he was also wrong. Cameron was obviously not making the sort of progress in therapy that House had assumed she was. He shook his head in disgust. He'd assumed. Just because she'd stopped crying he'd figured she was doing better. He should have realized that she was really just doing what he always did. She was holding it all inside so that nobody could see how vulnerable she really was. Correct that, so HE couldn't see it.

She really was worried that he would leave her if things got too emotional. And could he blame her, really? In all the time they'd known each other, had he ever really given her any reason to believe otherwise? He supposed not. He knew not. He should have given her the papers this morning. He sighed as he drew them out of his desk drawer. It had taken a lot of thinking for him to name her as his medical proxy. He'd never wanted to do it at all. After the infarction, he'd had his proxy for Stacy rescinded. He had told himself he would never sign another one, because he never wanted to let another person have that sort of control again.

When he'd come to work at PPTH, it had been a condition of his hiring that he have a proxy. Something about not wanted to get sued by one of their own doctors, blah, blah. He'd named Wilson because he figured the next time he was in the hospital it would be the end anyway. Then he'd gotten shot, and when he'd woken up, the first thing he did was sign a DNR. He decided it was just too much to go through again and for what?

It wasn't until recently, when Cameron had asked him about his leg that he'd even thought about it. He realized then, albeit in that quiet way of his where he realized something but never acknowledged it, that he wasn't just waiting to die anymore. He was living. When Quig suggested to him that he show another person that he trusted them, Cameron had been the only one he'd thought of. And this had seemed the perfect way to show that to her. Now he wondered if she'd ever even know.

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Cameron was in the parking garage, sitting on the hood of her car, cigarette in hand. She'd intended to go straight home, but by the time she reached her car she was trembling so hard she was afraid to drive. She walked around to the rear entrance to the hospital, where you could always find an orderly or a nurse sneaking a smoke, and bummed a couple of cigarettes.

Then she'd walked back to her car and sat on the hood, lighting up the first cigarette she'd had in nearly three months. She smiled ruefully as she took the first drag, House had won the bet. Of course. Tears began to run silently down her cheeks, and she inwardly cursed herself for her weakness.

She knew House was right, as always, but he was so wrong. She had gotten too attached to the patient, again. And she had let her own personal issues cloud her medical judgment, again. But to have her past dragged out and put on display for everyone was more than she thought she could stand. She thought of all the questions that were going through their minds and shuddered. It was exactly the reason she'd never told anyone her past before. Why on earth had she thought she could trust House, House, with something like that?

She supposed she had been fooling herself all along. She had told herself so many times after her husband died, that she would never give herself to someone else that completely again. She turned down scores of dates and advances over the years; all because she was afraid of losing control of her heart. And then those damn blue eyes had come along and blown away all her control. She could no more stop loving him than she could stop breathing.

Cameron inhaled deeply on her cigarette, cursing herself again for yet another weakness. She might not be able to stop herself from loving him, but she could stop herself from giving herself up to him. Cameron closed her eyes and waited for her tears to dry. She took a last drag on her cigarette and flicked it away. She watched as the glowing end hit the pavement, sparked and then rolled away. She steeled herself for what she knew would be the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. Harder even than watching her husband die. That had been out of her control. This wasn't.

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House sat alone in his office. He'd considered going after Cameron, but in the end decided he would probably only end up saying something worse. Instead he had gone home, and played his piano until the wee hours. He'd woken up alone this morning, something he hadn't done in quite some time, and he didn't like it.

House sat in his office, waiting to hear back from someone about what the family had decided. He turned to face the windows and watched the wind rustle the leaves in the trees. He heard the door opening behind him. He'd been expecting one of the ducklings, but he could feel her when she stepped inside the office.

House waited for her to say something, but there was only silence. He could feel her eyes staring at the back of his head, and they felt cold. He closed his own eyes, bracing himself for what was to come. He turned his chair slowly and opened his eyes. She looked beautiful. Her hair was pulled back tightly, showing all the angles of her face and the full length of her neck. She wore no makeup, and as a result he could clearly see the circles under her eyes, evidence of a troubled sleep. She was dressed comfortably, in a green sweater that made her eyes shine and gray pants. He looked over every inch of her, completely certain it would be the last time he'd ever see her.

She stepped forward to his desk and stopped. Closer, House could see just how dark the circles under her eyes were, which only heightened the redness around the edges, more evidence of a bad night. What bothered him most was the complete lack of emotion in them. Normally her eyes were literally like windows to her soul, but today he saw nothing. Nothing at all.

Before she could speak, Jasper and Chase entered from behind them, all noise and bustling. The tension that had been building in the room wasn't dissipated at all; in fact it seemed to triple. Jasper stopped when she caught the look on House's face, but Chase was drawn to Cameron's expression. He'd never seen her look so cold. Jasper and Chase glanced at each other, certain they'd intruded on a moment best left unmentioned.

"House, the family decided they want to try and remove the clot," Jasper spoke. "They're prepping the girls for surgery now. The surgical team tells me that if she comes through okay, we can still go through with the separation later in the week." House didn't acknowledge her at all, his eyes never wavering from Cameron's face. "I'll come back later, when I have an update on her condition." Jasper and Chase exchanged glances again. They left as quickly and unobtrusively as they could.

When Cameron heard the door close behind her, she took a deep breath. It was the only movement she'd made since she'd entered. If she let herself think about what she was doing for a minute, she'd never get through it without breaking down and she absolutely refused to let him see her cry one more time.

Cameron placed an envelope on House's desk. He seemed surprised, he hadn't noticed anything in her hands; he was so distracted by the void in her eyes. She remained silent, and House picked up the envelope. Finally able to tear his eyes away from her, he looked at the papers she had given him. He blinked. She was terminating her fellowship. He closed his eyes and composed himself before lifting his gaze back to hers.

"Cuddy approved my transfer as soon as you can find a replacement," Cameron said, her tone flat and even.

"Where are you going?" House asked, his voice equally level.

"Cuddy offered me a position as Associate Dean of Medicine a few weeks ago. Administrative work comes very easy to me, and I'll still be able to see patients from immunology and the clinic. Cuddy gets some permanent help instead of relying on her assistants, and I get …"

"Away from me."

"A change." Cameron held his gaze. She wasn't sure what she'd expected him to say, but she supposed she wasn't really surprised that he'd say nothing. They stared at each other for what seemed like forever. In Cameron's head, a voice was screaming at her to stop this before it was too late.

House nodded at her. He'd hoped that this would work out, but he supposed he wasn't really surprised that it had come to this. He wasn't a nice man, or an easy one to be with. He'd known all along that he'd hurt her someday, but he'd hoped, in that small part of his mind that he couldn't completely control, that she would be able to forgive him. That small part of his mind was screaming at him now, shouting to stop her before it was too late.

Cameron then reached into her pants pocket and withdrew a stack of bills. She dropped them on the desk. "I owe you a thousand dollars."

House cringed inside. He remembered the pain she'd been through the last time she was tempted to smoke, and it killed him that she was hurting that much now. And he hated himself for letting her get to him. He should have trusted his instincts when this all started, and stayed the hell away from her. In his desperation to cover how much this was hurting him too, he did what he always did.

"Those weren't the only terms of our bet," House said. "Your middle name is no longer in the vault."

"I considered tacking up a notice in the cafeteria, but you're so good at telling other people's secrets, I figured you'd take care of it," Cameron returned, her voice barely revealing the hurt and anger she felt. She looked at him one last time, and then turned and left his office, leaving him to consider how much like something he'd say that had sounded.