Chapter 34

As throngs of students and surgeons filed into the seating area of the amphitheater, Cameron looked on without interest. The flutter and bustle of preparing for the surgery over, she was left feeling flat now that her part in the proceedings had been completed. She hoped the surgery went well, of course, and was concerned about the twins and their parents, but all she could do now was wait. She really did not want to wait with a hundred other people whispering around her.

House, seated with Wilson across the amphitheater, watched Cameron watch the students file into their seats. He noted her expression and recognized it immediately. It was an expression he'd worn often enough. Her job was done, and now there was nothing to do but wait and see if whatever came next, treatment or surgery, would work. Personally, he never wanted to spend that time waiting with other people around. It was one thing to figure out what was wrong, but that was only one part. The second part was fixing it. Cameron had pushed hard for the family to treat Joyanna's clot so she and Tanita could still have this separation surgery, and now that decision was being put on the line.

Cameron glanced across the amphitheater and saw House and Wilson seated in the front. She'd expected to see Wilson there, it was a fascinating procedure after all, but she was surprised to see House. It wasn't like him to be interested in a case after he'd finished his diagnosis. Of course, not many people got the opportunity to watch this type of surgery, so she supposed his curiosity got the better of him. She noticed him begin to turn in her direction and immediately shifted her gaze back to the students filling in the seats before her. She didn't want him to know she'd been watching him.

House glanced away from Cameron for a moment to answer some inane comment Wilson made about the number of nurses in the OR, and when he looked back he caught Cameron looking away. He frowned and stared at his sneaker tops. She was avoiding him. He chanced to glance up again and once more caught her looking away. She was watching him, just like he was watching her. Maybe it was a good sign.

Cameron looked away again as House lifted his gaze from the floor in her direction. He was watching her, and she wasn't sure she was ready to meet his eyes yet. She had pretty much decided that if he made even a small gesture, anything to let her know that he missed her or was sorry, she would embrace it and see if they could work it out. She had known this wasn't going to be easy, and if he was willing to try even a little then so was she. She missed him more than even she had expected, and she was afraid that she'd lose her resolve in all that blue. She was wrong, and she knew that, but he was wrong too and she couldn't just give in and let him do that to her. She had to be sure he understood how much he'd hurt her, and how he'd violated her trust and that it meant something to him.

House wondered how long they could avoid each other in a hospital as large as this one. Probably weeks, really, if they didn't get another case before he hired a new fellow. He frowned again. He didn't want to hire a replacement for Cameron. He didn't want her to go. He was wrong and he knew that, but she was wrong too and he just wasn't ready to put himself out there like that if she wasn't willing to. House noticed the volume of the commotion around him lessen, and he realized that all the spectators had arrived and the surgery was about to begin.

The lights were adjusted to give the surgeons the best field available while not reflecting too much off the glass walls of the amphitheater seats above. Once the lighting was adjusted to the satisfaction of the team, there was a short burst of static from the OR's speaker system. Music began to issue from the speakers at a low volume in the OR, although slightly louder in the seating area. One of the lead surgeons had requested the music, and luckily none of the team had objected. All the monitors were checked, and the surgery proceeded.

About a half hour into the procedure, House began scanning the students. Most were attentive, with a few yawners scattered about for good measure. As his eyes roamed their faces, his gaze drifted to Cameron. She had been watching him again, and this time his eyes caught hers. He wondered how long she had been watching him. There was no looking away, and he found that her eyes had as powerful an affect on him from across a crowded OR as they did from the left side of his bed.

Cameron couldn't tear her eyes away from House. She felt powerless, something she often felt when she was mesmerized by his gaze. But as they held each other's eyes, she watched the expression on his face soften and thought, for the first time, that maybe she could affect him too. She smiled softly. House responded to her smile with a smile of his own and just when Cameron felt she couldn't possibly stare at him any longer, he nodded his head toward the exit.

Cameron and House excused themselves as unobtrusively as possible and made their way toward the exits. House limped quickly out the door and down the hall to the exit for the other side of the amphitheater. He reached the opposite door and waited. And waited. He finally began to wonder whether he had completely misunderstood her look when the door inched open. Cameron exited slowly, and closed the door quietly behind her.

Cameron lifted her eyes to meet House's and held her gaze steady. They stared at each other intensely, neither speaking. Wishing he would just do something, Cameron looked away. House blinked. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but this wasn't it. He turned to walk away and although Cameron tried to muffle it, he heard a small exhalation. It was all he needed. He turned back quickly and grabbed her, pulling her into a smoldering kiss.

House and Cameron melted into each other. Cameron didn't think she'd ever felt so much emotion from House before. It was like he was trying to tell her something with this kiss so he wouldn't have to say it. Cameron knew talking about his feelings was difficult for him, but she couldn't just let this happen every time. It took every ounce of strength she had, but she pulled away. She needed to hear the words.

House nestled his face into Cameron's hair. He'd hoped that kiss would tell her all she needed to know, but he wasn't surprised she was the one to pull away. He knew she was waiting for him to apologize, and he knew he should do it. It was just so hard for him to give up that control. It was something he'd been struggling with for days. He couldn't have both. He knew that if he let go and let himself feel it, he would lose control and she would gain it. House felt Cameron release her hold on his jacket and try to pull away. He tightened his grip on her waist. Control he could give up, Cameron he couldn't.

"I missed you," he breathed into her hair. She stopped pulling away, but she wasn't holding him either. House knew she needed more. "Allison, I'm sorry." She leaned closer, but her arms remained at her sides. He sighed. He wasn't sure what more he could say. "Why are you making this so hard?"

"I'm not making it hard, House. It just is," she said to his chest.

"I thought love was supposed to be easy."

"Nothing good is ever easy," Cameron replied before she realized the implication. She raised her head and faced him. "Did you say love?"

House looked into her eyes for a long time. Did he say love? Did he mean it? Was he finally going to give in and admit that he loved her? After Stacy left, he'd convinced himself love was a sham, an idea people fed themselves, an opiate for the masses designed to give meaning to their baser drives. Was he, Gregory House, now going to admit that he was wrong, that love was real and that even he could experience it?

At that moment, the amphitheater doors opened and several students exited, apparently deciding ten hours was too long to spend watching a procedure. They chatted noisily about returning later in the morning to see the progress that had been made. Oblivious to the intensely private moment onto which they had intruded, one of the students inadvertently jostled Cameron's elbow as he passed.

It was just enough to break her eye contact with House. He dropped his hands from her waist as he finally noticed the students in the hall. Cameron turned back to the amphitheater and noticed Cuddy's annoyed expression as the door closed behind the last exiting student. Sighing, she knew she had to get back. She turned back to House, hoping that he would still want to talk, only to catch a glimpse of him turning the corner at the far end of the hall.

Cameron blinked back the tears that flooded her eyes. She couldn't even begin to contemplate why he'd run. She took several deep breaths before she returned to her seat at Cuddy's side. Cuddy glanced at her; she'd noticed House's sudden absence beside Wilson and hoped for good news.

"Everything okay?" Cuddy asked.

"Fine," Cameron replied, smiling brightly and falsely. Cuddy nodded. This wasn't the place to get into that discussion. "House coming back in?"

"Not sure," Cameron answered, not trusting herself to say anything else. Cuddy nodded again. She turned slightly in her seat and angled herself away from Cameron, who was now watching the surgery with a very concentrated stare. Pulling out her cell phone, she sent Wilson a text message.

Go find House

Wilson's phone vibrated in his lab coat pocket. He took it out, wondering who could possibly be calling him now. He glanced down to see a text message from Cuddy, who was sitting across the OR from him. Staring at her through the glass panes, he gave her a strange look. Cuddy made an impatient face at him and then pointed to Cameron. Wilson checked the message and became concerned.

What happened?

Cuddy read his reply and looked at him in disbelief and frustration. Wilson returned her look innocently.

That's why you need to find House!

Wilson made a face. He'd already pushed his luck that morning by talking about Cameron. He really did hit people with that cane, or had Cuddy forgotten? He considered making up some lame excuse, but as afraid as he was of House's cane, he was more afraid of Lisa's hormones. Wilson excused himself and went in search of House, wondering to himself what the big oaf had done now.

xxxxxxx

Quig shuffled some papers on his desk, grimacing at the most distasteful part of his job. He hated paperwork; he always had. Years ago, he had been able to dictate his notes and have a transcriptionist type them up later. Now that sort of expense was considered prohibitive to the department's budget. So he was currently shuffling through the week's worth of patient notes on his desk, looking for a thin file to work on. He'd never been so relieved to hear a knock on his door as he was at that moment. Even rioting psych patients were preferable to this torture. They were at least entertaining. He shouted a restrained 'come in' and smiled when House entered. Not a rioting psych patient, yet, but still enjoyable.

"It's not Friday," he said to his visitor.

"Yeah, well, we were off last Friday so I figured you owed me one," House said, settling himself into one of Quig's brown leather chairs.

"Please, make yourself comfortable," Quig joked. House didn't smirk, which was his custom. He greatly enjoyed bantering with Quig normally. Quig took this response as a signal that House might actually want to talk about something, and that was most definitely more important than paperwork. "Things not going well with Dr. Cameron?"

"How did you know that?" House asked. House wondered why he cared if people were talking about him. He didn't, he decided. He cared if people were talking about her.

"A little birdie told me you might want to talk this week," Quig replied, sitting in the leather chair opposite House. House raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, a brown-eyed oncologist told me."

"Wilson gossips," House stated. Quig nodded, and waited. "We had a fight."

"That happens."

"In front of some people."

"Well," Quig mused. "That happens too. You can't always choose where a fight is going to happen." He paused. "When was this?"

"Last week."

"And still this upset? Must have been a hell of a fight." House grunted. "Relationship ending fight?" House shrugged. "House, I know this is hard for you, but speaking will be necessary if you want me to follow along."

"The fight itself probably wasn't that bad," House sighed. "We were yelling about a patient. We do that all the time. But she was being so irrational and I yelled something that I shouldn't have said."

"In front of people?" Quig prodded.

"Cuddy, Wilson, Foreman, Chase and Jasper," House confirmed.

"That is quite the crowd. What did you say?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Maybe that's the problem."

"What?" House asked, not following.

"The fact that you think it doesn't matter is a problem. It obviously matters to Dr. Cameron, or you wouldn't be here talking to me." Quig said.

"I didn't mean it didn't matter," House protested. "I'm not a moron, I know it matters. I meant what I said specifically wasn't important. It was very personal to Alli-, Cameron, and I yelled it out in front of all her colleagues and my boss and best friend."

"And why did you do that?" Quig asked. House rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. Did you intend to say it? Was it designed to embarrass her, hurt her? Entertain you audience?"

"NO!" House shouted. "No," he repeated, more quietly. "I wasn't thinking at all, I was just…"

"Angry?"

"In pain," House mumbled.

"Your leg." Quig surmised. House shook his head in the negative. "Then what?"

"Allison," he admitted quietly, looking at his shoes, the floor, the wall. "She was in pain, and I didn't notice. It hurt."

"You were scared."

"No, yes, maybe. What would I be scared of?" House asked.

"You're in love with her," Quig answered. "Love is scary. All that emotion, the pain, the work."

"I thought love was supposed to make things easier," House said, echoing his earlier statement to Cameron.

"It does. But love isn't easy. If it was easy, it wouldn't be special. Everyone would have it and it wouldn't mean anything." Quig said. House nodded. Now, sitting quietly in Quig's office, did it occur to House how Cameron must be feeling after he'd run without answering her question.

"I think I'm in trouble," House said.

"Tell me about it," Quig joked.

"No really," House said. He quickly explained to Quig what had happened. "I didn't answer her. She turned and I ran. I ran. What am I supposed to do now?"

"Shrink answer or friend answer?" Quig asked.

"Friend answer first."

"Get on your one good knee, tell her you love her and beg her to take you back." Quig said seriously.

"Funny. Now the shrink answer."

"Flowers and chocolates are nice too." Quig smiled. House made a face at him. He felt marginally better. He stood and grabbed his cane from the arm of the chair, bracing himself for the big romantic gesture he would have to make.

"You're an ass." House told Quig as he walked to the door.

"You're the expert." Quig replied, shifting through his paperwork once more. Luckily, he didn't see the tongue House waved at him as he walked out.