Author's note: Someone asked what questions 12 and 26 were on Dolf's questionnaire so here's the questionnaire in full. Now please note, apart from the first five questions these aren't in order, so the order of these questions are open to interpretation. Plus, as some of the answers that can be given result in actually losing Tyrant-points, Lord Vetinari could have still done more than five but have gained a negative score due to this loophole. I'm not saying he has, just that he might have.
Do you have problems spotting a tyrant?
Have you suffered the embarrassment of decapitating someone only to be told he was just temping for the day?
The modern tyrant is just as likely to be running your local post office as he/she is to be running your local city-state or country, so the authors of 'How to Bee a Barbarian Hero' have come up with this handy pocket-sized guide to finding a tyrant, regardless of status or position.
Simply ask your potential tyrant these searching questions:
Do you own a cat?
Do you have a beard?
Do you ever imprison people for no reason?
When sentencing people to death, do you ever cackle madly?
Have you ever tied a virgin to a large rock for sacrifice to a god/demon/monster of your choice?
Do you dress only in black or black and red robes?
Have you ever locked someone up for saying your robes look like a dress? (Plus two points if it actually is a dress)
Have you ever seduced a member of the opposite sex for power or influence?
Have you ever seduced a member of the same sex for power or influence?
Do you have a secret-hideout?
If so, is it in or one of the following: A hollowed-out volcano/secret bunker/an above-ground military base with a large sign saying that it doesn't exist/your parent's spare-room/a little fort you've made out of some pillows?
Do you ever refer to your employees as 'henchmen'? Even if only in private?
When you've captured your arch-nemesis at last, have you then handed them over to be killed in an overly-elaborate but easily escapable scenario well away from your sight?
While your arch-nemesis is escaping and generally making a nuisance of himself around your secret hide-out, instead of trying to recapture him do you instead occupy yourself by attempting to seduce his sidekick/latest bit-on-the-side/mum?
Did you actually seduce them? (Minus one point for every successful seduction; tyrants never succeed at this)
Do you consider blinking optional?
Has one of your employees ever tried to overthrow you?
Have you ever started laughing at a threat you just made/plan you've just come up with and all of the other people in the room started laughing with you?
Did the laughter last over five minutes? (add one additional point for each extra five minute increment)
Did you keep laughing on purpose just to see if someone would start choking?
Have you ever strangled someone just by looking at their neck and wishing really hard?
Do you refer to yourself in the third person? All the time? Even if people complain?
Did you kill the former incumbent of your current position?
Do you have overly-large pictures of yourself looking very important and clever but slightly constipated hanging around your capital city and palace?
Have you had your personal assistant/secretary/cleaner trained in deadly martial arts and/or seduction techniques? Possibly involving some kind of fashion accessory?
Do you write poetry and/or sing? And make people listen to it? Even if they fake their own death to try to escape it?
Have you ever attempted to breed or summon some kind of monster/demon/ancient god to help you take over the world/neighbourhood/local PTA?
Have you ever gone into the streets incognito so you can meet the 'ordinary people' while making sure you're surrounded by some very large bodyguards who'll beat the crap out of anyone who insults you/supports your rival/makes fun of your dre--robes?
A rival city/country/soccer team has made some noise about a possible invasion of your territory. How long would you wait before unleashing your secret weapon and destroying them? (Minus one point for each minute; minus ten points if it's over an hour) (Plus one point for each minute you spend boasting about your secret weapon; plus ten points if you claim credit for its design)
A young man has expressed an interest in your sister/daughter. Do you have them flayed alive/beheaded/fired/spread a rumour that they spend their nights performing the Blue Cat club under the stage name Miss Roxie Fantastique?
Scores:
0-7 Not a tyrant. Not the nicest person in the world, grant you, and definitely one to watch, but not tyrannical. Go and see the local seamstress.
7-15 Hmm, edging into tyrant territory. Have they already threatened/tried to seduce you? If so, kill 'em…after they've seduced you, of course.
16-24 Tyrant. Decapitate without delay, put their head on a stick, parade around so the populous can worship you and wait for the local virgins to service you.
25-29Definitely a tyrant. Throw them off a balcony, declare yourself king and tell the ladies of the court to form an orderly queue.
30 Put the sword down, smile nicely, don't make eye contact (they see it as a sign of aggression) and back away slowly. Go and see the innkeeper's daughter four towns away.