I'm super excited because I finally got The Outsiders: the complete novel and I can't stop watching all the extras and stuff. I haven't seen the whole movie yet though, haven't had time…because of my exams. I'll be done on July 11th and then I'll finally be able to relax, I can't wait!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders.

14 – Lost without you

I rarely saw Sodapop mad. He usually was happy-go-lucky, even in the worst days. He always tried to be positive about everything. Well, mostly everything. Therefore, seeing him getting mad was something that almost scared me.

"What did you fight about?" I tentatively asked.

Soda didn't answer at first. He just kept staring down. "Where's Jesse James?"

"He's in the kitchen with Lewis and Ponyboy…Soda, will you tell me what happened?"

Soda started recalling his encounter with Sandy. He told me he had been at the farm for half an hour when his boss told him someone was looking for him and it turned out to be Sandy. "When I saw her I didn't know what to do, what to say…and then she smiled at me and started saying stupid things like You look good, you haven't aged one day since we last saw each other… and she said… she wanted to meet me just to see how I was doing, and that she also called but didn't have the guts to say anything 'cause she didn't know I was married…Evie told her eventually and then she also saw you…and then out of the blue she said I'm sorry. I couldn't take it when she said that, I blew up at her. I never yelled at her before…I never yelled at her when we were going out, I had no real reason to… but I don't know what happened, all of a sudden I was feeling madder than ever." Soda paused. "I yelled she had no right to come back this way and tell me she's sorry, that she has no right to act like she's some kind of victim 'cause she isn't! I'm the one who was being cheated on, I'm the one who wrote to her and never got a reply, I'm the one whose heart was broken! And then I felt like hitting her…"

"You didn't…right?" I asked.

"Of course not! You know I'd never hurt a woman!"

"Yeah, I know. Calm down, Soda, you're scaring me…"

Soda looked like he didn't hear me. "And then she also said she wished the baby was mine, because she'd have married me right away if it was… and I asked her where the child is now, and she said she had no idea because she put it up for adoption…and I told her she's a horrible person for doing that, and then she started crying, and I just stormed off." He concluded.

"Soda, you can't blame her for the adoption thing…if she was seventeen at the time-"

"I don't give a damn!"

He suddenly headed toward the front door and I went after him: "Wait! Where are you going?"

"Out!" He slammed the door so hard that Jesse James started crying in the other room.

I was going to reach Soda, but I thought better and reached my brother and Ponyboy in the other room. Lewis looked totally clueless as to what was going on and he clearly wished Jesse James would stop crying. "Give me the baby." I told him. "Pony…would you mind talking to Soda? I think right now…he needs you."

Ponyboy looked puzzled, but nodded. "Sure…"

When he left, Lewis just stared at me for a while before announcing he was going to see a friend of his, if I didn't mind.

Those were the moments when I loved my brother the most. He always understood when I didn't want to talk.

As I gently rocked Jesse James back and forth, I thought about that day when I stopped by at the DX station and met him…when I was stunned seeing how attractive he was and thought he was better-looking than James Dean.

I realized Soda shared lots of memories with Sandy way before he and I met each other. And somehow, realizing that made me feel deeply hurt. I was feeling like a teenager all over again.

--------------------------------------

The following morning I got up very early. It was almost six and both Sodapop and Jesse James were in a deep slumber.

I quietly got dressed and went downstairs to clean the living room, but then I saw Lewis' sleeping silohuette on the sofa and remembered he was spending the weekend there. Not wanting to disturb him, I went into the kitchen and started cleaning there. I needed to be busy, so I wouldn't have time to think too much. At seven I was done and I went upstairs to get Jesse James. I fed him and then I sat down at the kitchen table with him in my lap, with a notebook in front of me.

"Morning, Sybil…" Ponyboy entered the kitchen. "How long have you been up?"

"For a while. I'll cook you breakfast, sit down, you look like you haven't slept at all…here, hold Jesse James…What do you want for breakfast?"

Ponyboy looked at me like he was doubting my sanity. "You're acting strange. I know last night was bad, but…"

"I'm fine. I've started writing down some ideas I've had for your graduation, I mean, your graduation party, but of course I need to hear what you think about it…"

"My graduation party?" he repeated.

"Yeah, the idea came to me this morning. I thought it'd be nice 'cause…well, we can't throw parties for your birthday anymore since you've grown up. But a graduation, it's different…or maybe you want to have a party with your friends only?"

"No, I mean, are you sure having a party won't be a problem?"

"Of course it won't! So…I was trying to list the amount of people who will be there, more or less…not to sound noisy, but are you going to invite Lauren?"

"Well, sure, but I don't think she'll come. She's kinda…she still holds a grudge at me for breaking up with her."

I looked at him disbelievingly. "After all these months? Is she touchy or what?"

Pony laughed. "Yeah, I guess she is. She threw a fit when she saw me having lunch with this girl, Amy."

"She probably still likes you a lot."

"Or she's simply possessive. Hey, Jesse James, don't drool all over my new shirt!"

I laughed. "Give him to me." I picked him up. "It's only half past seven and it's Sunday, why are you even up yet?"

"I need to revise, the exams are starting soon."

"Right. I wonder when Darry's graduating? He hasn't told us anything yet. We all should go over there when he does. Let's hope it's not the same day as yours."

Not much later, Lewis entered the kitchen yawning. "Morning, everybody."

"Hey, Lewis. Slept well?"

"Yeah, that's got to be one of the best sofas in Tulsa." He nodded approvingly.

"Could you look after Jesse James for about a hour or so while I go to church?" I asked him.

"Yeah, but what do I do if he starts crying?"

He was really hopeless. I told him what to do, then got ready to go to church and left.

Since Jesse James' birth, I had only been there twice. When I went on Sunday mornings, Ponyboy usually came with me, but Soda never did. Sometimes I felt sad about it because I wanted him to have faith…but I knew I couldn't force it upon him.

That morning I wasn't feeling that great and sitting for an hour in the church, listening to the priest's sermon, trying to pay attention and not think about anything else wasn't easy. Especially when "anything else" meant Sodapop and his ex-girlfriend.

When they sang the final hymn and people started leaving the building, I just sat there, listening to the choir. They sang beautifully and somehow hearing the comforting words helped me feeling better.

"May I sit here?"

I recognized the voice right away but didn't look up. "Sure."

Sodapop sat down. "Are you trying to avoid me or something?"

I finally turned and looked at him. "No. At least, not on purpose."

He looked at me sceptically before replying: "I didn't mean to leave like that last night…"

"Maybe you should go talk to Sandy again." I said bitterly.

He ignored my remark. "The point is, I'm sorry for acting like a jerk. I don't know why I got so emotional when I saw her, I just felt like…I was sixteen again. But you've always been there for me, Sybil, and I can't say the same about Sandy. You're so special and I don't think you realize how important you are to me. You and Jesse James are my life. I'd be lost without you."

That almost brought me to tears. I hugged Sodapop and held him tight. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you more."

I smiled. "That's not possible."

"Yeah, it is." He grinned.

"Let's go home." I took his warm hand and smiled.

Soda talked to Sandy again before she left to go back to Florida. They tried to part without any bitter feelings toward each other, but obviously it was never going to be the same like when they were teenagers.

But now Sodapop was fine.

--------------------------------------

A couple of weeks later, Josh Becker came to Tulsa to be operated on his right eye. The doctors were hopeful and quite confident the operation would turn out okay and he was too.

"I mean, it can't get any worse than now, right?" he said the day before he'd enter the hospital. Josh, Sodapop, Two-Bit and I were in our living room, chatting.

"Tell you what, tomorrow we'll celebrate by getting wasted! I'll bring the booze…and then we'll get ourselves some fine blonde chicks!" Two-Bit exclaimed. "I mean, Josh and I will, obviously. Soda will be good." He added, looking at me.

"You still an alcoholic, Two-Bit?" Josh asked, amused. He knew him quite well, after all the time they spent together in Vietnam.

"I'm going to bed. I'm tired…I'll see you tomorrow, Josh, I'm sure everything will turn out just fine." I said.

"Thanks, Sybil! Good night."

"I'll reach you and Jesse James in a while, okay?" Sodapop kissed me.

"Okay. Night, everybody."

I looked at Soda as I left the room. I thought it was good for him to spend some time with Josh, not just because he was an old friend but also 'cause they shared common experiences and they could relate to each other well. Same thing for Two-Bit.

The following day didn't start in a good way though. I woke up because I heard noises from downstairs and when I got there, I saw Sodapop and Steve talking animatedly in the kitchen. They didn't notice me.

"Until you're sure of what you're saying, you should just calm down!"

"You sure you heard me right?"

"Steve, come on, stop pacing-"

"What if she did it on purpose?" he exclaimed, livid in the face.

Sodapop raised an eyebrow at him. "She definitely needed your help for that, you know."

"Don't try to be funny, this is serious. What if she got pregnant again just so I wouldn't divorce her?"

"That's ridiculous, Steve." Soda told him. Steve looked like he was really losing it. "You said Evie ain't even sure she's pregnant."

"But if she is, I ain't gonna be able to get a divorce now! I can't leave her while she's expecting!"

"Why didn't you think of this when you two slept together?"

"You think I'm able to think straight when that kind of things happen?" Steve shouted.

"Alright, stop yelling. You're gonna wake Jesse James, Sybil and Ponyboy."

He was right. Jesse James started crying and I went upstairs, trying not to make any noise. I didn't want Steve to think I was eavesdropping on their conversation. Ponyboy was awake, too, and he asked me what was going on. I told him and he shook his head. "Man, that sucks. Especially for Julie."

"Yeah." I agreed. Julie was only three. For her sake, I hoped Steve and Evie would try to act like civilized human beings around each other.