Author's Note: Okay, here's the second-to-last chapter. Never have I tried to write so much in such a short space of time and I know that, yes, it is a bit jumpy with regards to the plot but I am desperately trying to connect two separate stories that initially only had that questionnaire in common. Anyway, be prepared for some slight ickyness. Okay, quite a bit of ickyness. You have been warned…

"Ah, Mrs Woodridge, we meet at last."

"Do I know you, young man?" Mrs Woodridge peered at the Patrician short-sightedly. "Are you Susie Tanner's son? The one with the squint?"

"No, Mrs Woodridge."

"Are you sure? I could have sworn you were her Kevin."

"I am quite sure, Mrs Woodridge."

"Oh," the old woman frowned slightly. "Well who are you then?"

"I am Lord Vetinari, Mrs Woodridge." Vetinari sighed as the old woman's face went blank. "The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork? Do you remember? My secretary spent the past ten minutes explaining all of this to you."

"The man in woman's underwear?

"It's not underwear, Mrs Woodridge; it's a gold bikini." Vetinari steepled his fingers in front of his face and stared at her fixedly. "Why are you plotting against me?"

"I wouldn't do something like that, dear," said Mrs Woodridge pleasantly. "I barely know you."

"Nonetheless, I know you are plotting against me."

"Oh, don't be silly, dear."

Lord Vetinari intensified his stare but the old woman merely smiled at him myopically. He frowned. "Hmmm."

"Don't mumble, dear."

"I wasn't mumbling, Mrs Woodridge, I was thinking."

"What were you thinking about? A problem shared is a problem halved, my old granny always used to say."

"I was merely wondering the best way to turn you into a gibbering wreck who would gladly give up her deepest secrets in return for the briefest of reprieves. Possibly involving some kind of thumbscrew; or maybe some pliers. I haven't decided which yet."

"Well I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble, dear."

"Then tell me what you're planning," said Vetinari evenly.

Mrs Woodridge gave him a confused look. "Okay, dear. I was planning to go to the markets with my friend Elsie and pick up a cabbage for dinner and then I was going to go and see my sister in Kicklebury Street, you know her, she's the one whose son married the girl up in Monkey street; lovely girl, shame about the missing arm, but he could never afford to be too picky and--"

"I meant tell me about your plans to overthrow me, Mrs Woodridge!"

"Oh. Well I'm not sure I have any, dear."

"You're lying."

She gave him an indignant look. "No, I'm not! Bloody cheek! You're not too old to put across my knee, you know."

Lord Vetinari leaned back in his chair and stared at her. "Mrs Woodridge, it may interest you to know that I currently have your husband in my custody. If you don't want anything untoward to happen to him then I suggest you start to tell me what I want to hear."

"And what would that be, dear?"

"No luck, sir?"

Vetinari sighed. "Unfortunately not, Drumknott. That woman is plotting against me though, I know it." He sighed again. "Did you put her in the pool of man-eating sharks like I asked?"

Drumknott squirmed slightly. "Yes, sir. But you only ordered the pool to be built this morning, so the builders haven't even been round to discuss the plans yet."

"So what did you do?"

"I locked her in the room the pool will be going in and told Clerk Brian to keep throwing glasses of water at her instead, sir. He has to keep running down to the kitchens to refill the glass but he promises he'll break her eventually."

"Capital," Vetinari smiled. "Where's Mr Woodridge?"

"Still in the dungeons, sir."

"Good. Prepare my Seduction Chamber then bring him up to my Secret Municipal Fortress of Doom in twenty minutes."

"Seduction Chamber?"

"My bedroom, Drumknott. Oh, and summon my Grand-Enforcer, I'll need Vimes to guard the doorway, to make sure Mr Woodridge and myself aren't disturbed."

"Yes sir." Drumknott coughed nervously. "Sir, what exactly are you planning to do with Mr Woodridge?"

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. "What do you think I'm going to do with him? I'm going to seduce him."

"Right…why?"

"Because it'll make him inform on his wife, that's why. Honestly, I would've thought you'd have known that."

Drumknott squirmed again. "It's just that…well…you're not…and he's rather…and it's sort of…y'know."

Vetinari sighed. "We all have to make sacrifices at some point, Drumknott." He frowned. "Why do you keep wriggling around like that?"

Drumknott blushed. "Sorry sir, it's my new uniform; it's cutting in a bit. And I'm not used to wearing a thong, sir. I don't suppose I could put on my regular clothes instead?"

"You suppose correctly, Drumknott."

"So let me get this right," Vimes said slowly. "You want me to stand outside your pillow fortress--"

"My Secret Municipal Fortress of Doom, yes."

"—and guard it, while you attempt to seduce an eighty-four year old man." Vimes frowned. "When you say 'seduce', what exactly are we talking about here, sir?"

"What do you suppose I mean, Vimes?" asked Lord Vetinari.

"Well, it's not sex, is it, sir?"

Vetinari gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, I'm talking about sex, Vimes; why does everyone have such a problem with the concept of me having sex? I'm not a eunuch, you know."

"Oh, I know, sir. I've seen the portrait in your office."

Vetinari smiled slightly. "It's not like I'm going to enjoy this, Vimes. It's just something that is necessary for me to safeguard the city. Taking one for the team, I believe is the phrase."

Vimes' mind shut down completely at that thought. "Y-yes, sir."

Vetinari sighed. "It was just an expression, Vimes." He looked down at his watch. "Right, it's nearly time. Now remember; no one but Mr Woodridge or Drumknott are to come through this door. Even if you hear some strange noises emanating from this room, you are not to come in, no matter what."

"Don't worry, sir. There is no way I'm going in there."

"Capital." At that Vetinari turned and entered his Fortress; Drumknott had certainly done a good job here, he thought. The space was filled with candles of all sizes, casting a romantic glow over everything. He sat down at the small dining table set in the middle of the room and poured two glasses of wine. The door opened and Vimes' head appeared.

"Mr Woodridge is here, sir," he said, taking in the scene around Vetinari. "Oh dear gods, you're really going to do it…"

"Send him in please, Vimes."

"Yes sir."

Vimes disappeared from view, and the most wrinkled old man Vetinari had ever seen shuffled through the doorway, supported by two walking sticks and his secretary.

Drumknott gave the Patrician an apologetic look. "Sorry, sir, Mr Woodridge keeps falling over if I don't hold onto him. Now come on, Mr Woodridge, nearly there. Nearly there. Al-mo-st th-ere. Here we are, have a seat. There you go."

"Thank you, young man," said the old man in a cracked voice. "I hope you find your clothes soon."

Drumknott blushed and ran out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"Mr Woodridge, allow me to introduce myself, I am Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork."

Mr Woodridge nodded absent-mindedly then gave Vetinari a triumphant smile. "I'm eighty-four, you know."

"Are you? My word. Have some wine."

"No thanks; gives me wind. I could murder a cuppa though."

Vetinari frowned. "Cuppa?"

"Cup of tea."

"Oh," Vetinari attempted a smile. "We only have wine."

"Okay, but you'd better open a window, sonny," the old man cackled. He downed the glass in one go. "Not bad."

Vetinari tried to disguise his horror as he watched Mr Woodridge down the 200-year old chardonnay in one gulp. "I'm glad you like it," he managed. "Mr Woodridge, what is your first name?"

"Sidney."

Vetinari gave him a seductive smile. "I've always thought Sidney was a very distinguished name."

"Yeah? What's yours?"

"You can call me Havelock."

Mr Woodridge burst out laughing. "Havelock? What kind of foofy name is that? You need a good solid Morporkian name, lad, like Bert or Alfie."

"Really," Lord Vetinari said acidly. He shook himself and forced a smile. "What good advice, Sidney."

"Yeah, well, you want advice, I'm your man," said Sidney. "Where's the grub? I'm starved."

"Grub?" asked Vetinari. "Oh, you mean the food." He picked up a small silver bell and shook it gently. The side doors opened and Drumknott came in with a small dinner trolley. Vetinari smiled. "For dinner tonight we have…grilled chicken with a selection of winter vegetables and for dessert…a chocolate pudding."

Drumknott grinned. "With special sauce, sir."

"Really? What's special about it?"

The grin grew wider. "Give it about two minutes after you've eaten it, sir, and you'll find out. Do you require anything else?"

"No, thank you, that will be all. Return to my Command Centre and guard it as usual, Drumknott."

The grin disappeared and Drumknott groaned. "Yes sir."

Vetinari turned back to his captive, who was shovelling food into his mouth at breakneck speed. "Is it to your liking, Sidney?"

"Not bad," said the old man with his mouth full. "Got any mushy peas?"

"No."

"Oh, well never mind," he gestured towards Vetinari's plate with his fork. "You going to eat that, or what?"

"I've already eaten today, thank you."

"You should eat more, skinny lad like you; put some meat on your bones."

"More advice," Vetinari said testily. "Oh good."

"Yeah, well, got a life-time of experience, me. Did I tell you I'm eighty-four?"

"Yes, Sidney, you did." Lord Vetinari sighed; this was not going to plan. "Sidney, do you know why I brought you here?"

"Free food?"

"No," Lord Vetinari leaned forward and gave the man a long, smouldering look. "I brought you here because I really, really wanted to get to know you better, Sidney. I find your company simply mesmerising."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. You have such charisma, such grace, such…" Vetinari tried desperately to think of a third. "…big ears. How could I resist taking this opportunity for some time alone with you?"

Sidney looked at him suspiciously. "Time alone to do what?"

Lord Vetinari smiled. "What would you like to do?" he asked in the most seductive tone he could manage. "We could do anything you want, Sidney, anything. All I want in return is for you to tell me what your wife has been planning. That's not too much to ask, is it?"

Sidney frowned. "But she hasn't."

"Oh, but she has, Sidney," said Vetinari, still in the same tone. "Just tell me what it is, and all of this--" he gestured at the Fortress of Doom. "—can be yours."

"But I've already got a pillow at home--"

"I wasn't referring to those, Sidney, I was referring to what they represent. Inform on your wife, tell me what she's planning and I will make you my Ki—Que—official Consort. Together we can rule this city! Bwahahahaha!"

"What, even Scoone Avenue?"

Vetinari fought the urge to sigh and order the man's death. "Well, Scoone Avenue is in the city so yes, that too," he said slightly peevishly.

"Hmm," Sidney said thoughtfully. "Well, she did say that taxes are a bit high. And she did tell me once that she thinks you dye your hair."

Vetinari's eyes narrowed. "So it was her who started that rumour," he muttered. He took a deep breath and smiled winningly at Sidney. "You wish to join me as my Consort then, do you, Sidney?"

Sidney shrugged. "Yeah, why not? Sounds like fun."

"Oh it will be," said Vetinari sexily. "And now, let us seal our union." He leant in for the kiss…

"Oh gods, do you really think he's going to do it?" asked Big Mad Drongo, his eyes glued to the omniscope. "This is so weird."

Yeah, well, he should do it," muttered Skazz, looking worriedly at the thinking machine. "Hex is burning up some serious magic keeping this spell going. I think we'll have to sacrifice another gerbil in a minute or the magic's going to burn out."

"Yeah, yeah, keep your hair on," said Drongo. He looked up at the image of Lord Vetinari and Sidney. "Oh, dude, that is sick."

"You're the one who wanted to see if we could make him do it."

"Yeah, but I didn't think he actually would; remember the trouble we had getting him just to make the secretary wear the bikini? We had to light candles and everything."

"Uh huh, whatever. Come on, where's that gerbil? Hex is running out of raw magic here!"

Big Mad Drongo reached into the gerbil cage. "Okay, hang on, I can't get hold of one. Come here you little--"

"Hurry up!"

"I'm trying!"

"Try harder!"

Drongo sighed with relief. "There, got one."

"Good. Now bring it here," said Skazz. "We've only got about thirty seconds before the magic runs out--"

Ponder poked his head through the door. "Hey, you both okay in here? You've been here for the past week." He froze when he saw the omniscope; or rather, what was being displayed on the omniscope. "What are you too doing?"

The two students looked up at their Faculty Head in horror. "Oh shit," muttered Big Mad Drongo. The gerbil took the opportunity to bite an in-reach finger, making him shout and drop it hastily on the floor, where it ran for the cover of Hex. "Oh shit."

Hex shut down.