Chapter Seventeen – What Now?

I Disclaim.

It was a year ago today when Carli left John. Left him with two kids. No warning, no goodbye, nothing. To say he was pissed would be a serious understatement. He had spent the past year pissed off at the world. He didn't understand why and had no way of asking. Hell, who would he ask, Carli? She was gone. What was he supposed to do with two kids when he traveled all the time? Hire a nanny? No, Carli hated the thought of a nanny. Well Carli isn't here now is she?

For the first time he contemplated ending his wrestling career. He was getting lots of Hollywood buzz and he could switch to movies, this would give him the chance to be with his two most treasured gifts. Joey was now four and his sister was a year old. John clung to her as if his life depended on it. If you asked anyone who knew them they'd say his life did depend on his daughter. She was his saving grace. She was a daily reminder of her mother. Amelia Jolie Cena was a tiny petite little girl and was an exact replica of her mother.

The three of them lay in the grass and John told them stories of his brief life with their mother. They loved hearing about her and often watched the videos she had made when Joey was born. John left the house exactly as she had it, it pained him to see her picture, but he wouldn't remove them no matter how much his heart bled. He needed to see her as did his children. He stood up and put them back in the car so he could have his own private moments with the love of his life.

For the first three months John was here everyday. Then he came once a week and started bringing Joey. Today was the first time he brought Amelia. Sure, it was her birthday and this was a sad thing to do, but Joey asked and John wanted to be here. He also wanted Amelia to know he didn't blame her for Carli leaving them. There was a big party planned for her first birthday, but he needed to be with Carli on this day, and he wanted his children to understand its not a sad day, but a celebration.

As he did every visit, John cried. He didn't scream anymore, didn't want to wage war on God, but he was still pissed. Pissed that Amelia would never know her Mother. Pissed that all he could give his beautiful baby girl were stories. Pissed that he was robbed of a life he thought would last until his last breath…not hers. He fought to keep her safe, fought to give her a life outside the hunt. He fought for nothing, because she was still gone.

"John, its time." She said as she walked down the steps of their new home.

"Time for what, baby girl?" He replied nonchalantly as he played his Madden 2007 with Mark.

"Put down the fucking game, John." She replied as she doubled over with the next contraction.

"Oh shit!" John jumped up and helped Carli to the couch. He called the doctor as his wife screamed in the background.

"Baby now…no hospital…baby now…baby now…not at home, oh God!" Carli yelled at John who in turn yelled at the doctor. Mark called an ambulance and the doctor was on his way to the Cena home. John did as the doctor instructed and started a bath for Carli before carrying her up the steps. He placed her gently in the tub and climbed in with her. Mark grabbed towels and called John's parents and everyone he'd been instructed to call if he were there on D-Day. D-Day is what John so lovingly referred to as Delivery Day.

Carli could feel something wrong, the baby was fine, but she knew her heart rate was way too high. She silently prayed to God in between contractions. "John. Listen to me. I love you."

"I love you too, baby girl." He said back not realizing what she was doing.

"No, John, just listen. I love you. I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. You add color to my world, you're the shining star, the guiding light and everything I'd ever wanted. You're a wonderful father and I know you'll be just as perfect with this baby." She started to cry as she felt her heart changing. She always wondered what this would be like, she wasn't afraid, but sad for her new child. She believed she could still see John and their family, but they couldn't see her. It was heartbreaking for her.

"Carolina, that's enough talking like that. You're just having a baby that's all." John said trying to reassure her and fearing what she was saying. The doctor entered and with Mark's help they prepped for the baby. Carli looked at the doctor and he read everything her eyes were saying. The ambulance was five minutes away, he hoped Carli would hold on until someone could help her. Something in Carli's eyes told him nobody could help her, this was her time.

She heard her daughter's first wails and even got to touch her. She kissed her daughter, named her and Carli began to fade from her family. John was so elated he had a daughter he hadn't realized Carli was leaving him. "John, let's get your wife out of the tub." The doctor saw the light dimming from Carli's eyes and helped John get her out. Paul and Stephanie walked in with John's parents and saw instantly what was happening.

Carli reached up to touch her husband's face. "Kiss me. Let me have one last kiss, daddy." John looked at her and the reality of everything his wife had said hit him hard. He kissed her as tears poured down his face. He lay in their bed holding her and they both cried. He didn't beg her to stay, he knew she would if it were her choice. Carli shared her hopes and dreams with John, reminded him how to care for a baby, and how special a baby girl would be.

Joey came in and Carli said she was just tired. Husband and wife, mother and son, father and daughter, the Cena family lay in the bed and were given privacy. Paul and Stephanie sat at the top of the steps and held eachother, John's parents spoke with the doctor and the three of them explained what was happening as the ambulance team arrived. Stephanie stopped them from entering and told them to leave the family, this was something that couldn't be saved.

People say you know when you're dying. You just know. There was no bright light, no angels circling the room, only a calm. A peace crept into the room and despite his fears and pain, John felt Carli's peace. Something told Stephanie to go into the room. She entered and felt the calm. She took Joey and the new baby girl giving her to the technicians to examine. John and Carli looked into eachother's eyes and didn't need to say anything. He held his wife as tight as he could and tried to be brave. He showered her with kisses and I love you's and cuddled her as she left him. "I love you, John." She whispered and gave his hand a squeeze before closing her eyes.

He sobbed and wailed as he felt Carli's last breath. He rocked her, still kissed her and told her how much he loved her. He would always love her. Those outside the bedroom knew when it had happened, John's heartbreak felt and heard throughout the house. What was he supposed to do now? He didn't know a thing about girls and how to raise them. The only thing he knew without a doubt was Carli gave everything she had for that baby. Amelia would never doubt her Mother's love. Carli would always be talked about, her picture always prominent, her life shared and honored.

John got back in the car and put on Carli's favorite station. He couldn't fight the tears that kept falling and Joey watched his father's shoulders shake as he silently cried. "I love you, daddy." Joey said with so much emotion John got out of the car and climbed in the backseat. He sat between his kids as they listened to the radio.

you think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me

oh when you're cold
I'll be there
hold you tight to me

when you're on the outside baby and you cant get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home

and if you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine

you think I'd leave your side baby, you know me better than that
you think id leave you down when you're down on your knees, I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want and if only you could see into me

oh when you're cold
I'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
I'll be there
by your side baby

Song courtesy of Sade