Dear Readers,

I cannot believe that I abandoned this story for so long, but my life took a few unexpected turns (as life tends to do) that kept me from writing. However, I am determined to finish this before school resumes (next Wednesday) so I am rapidly working on the few chapters I have left. Hopefully you can forgive me… I hope the update is sufficient!

-A terrible author

P.S. This chapter is Luke and Jess only and covers some of what has happened… the following chapter will pick up with where chapter 17 left off!

Chapter 18 – Changing

After leaving Rory standing in the middle of Stars Hollow crestfallen, Jess spent hours sitting in the gazebo, letting his jumbled thoughts roll around in his head. He wasn't sure why he was so livid with her for something that had taken place so long ago, but he couldn't stop the anger that was swelling under his skin.

Just the thought of Dean touching her made him want to beat the crap out of something, anything. He kept thinking about Dean's tall body covering her small frame, and his stomach lurched at the nauseating image. Next he pictured his stupid lips on her beautiful mouth, torturing him. He wasn't sure he could ever look at her without remembering that her first time was with Dean.

Every time he would kiss her, would he wonder if Dean's face was the face she imagined? Would she be comparing them? The thought of Rory even trying to compare his kissing, or worst, love-making skills, to the other men in her life made Jess's stomach drop.

The worst part of the entire situation was that it had all happened after he'd poured his heart out to her. He'd offered her the only thing he had, himself and a life together, and she'd shot him down for Dean of all people. He supposed fate was ironic like that and wondered if Dean had been secretly pleased by his victory. Jess may have stolen her momentarily, but Dean had the last laugh. And Jess wanted to punch him for it.

He supposed he should have known that something had happened between them since he'd seen Dean at Yale that night, but he'd heard that Dean was married and had assumed that their meeting was innocent. The Rory he had known would have never slept with a married man, no matter how unhappy the marriage or how badly she desired to be with the man.

At least, the Rory he knew, he thought. This Dean thing is just another indication that something strange was going on with her, even back then. Sometimes he still found it difficult to match the seventeen-year-old Rory with the twenty-two-year-old Rory. They were almost like polar opposites; it was hard to believe they were both the same person, with only five years separating them.

He tried to steady his thoughts, move them toward anything that wasn't Rory and Dean, but the task felt impossible. Now he knew that she'd given Dean something that Jess had always assumed she'd share with him and the knowledge was slowly, but surely, killing him.

Her slender legs wrapping around his body. His too big hands touching her all over… Rory murmuring into Dean's ears. "I love you."

Hearing Rory (even if it was only his imagination) tell Dean the one thing that Jess wanted to hear from her lips made him jerk in frustration. He needed to get his mind off her, even if it was only temporary. Glancing around Stars Hollow, Jess wondered if a prank might be the thing to do the trick. But he couldn't think of anything worthy of he was feeling right now.

So he sat. For hours and hours, just letting his anger wash over him again and again. It almost made him feel stronger somehow, but it wasn't the type of strength he was interested in anymore. He didn't want to be the kid with a chip constantly on his shoulder; he was looking to be and have something more. But tonight's events were definitely a step backward, Jess had noted sardonically.

Following that night, Jess retreated inward for a while. He spent most of his time going through the motions at the diner while simultaneously trying to banish the image of Dean and Rory that haunted him.

This particular morning he was completing Logan's departure. He'd heard through the grapevine—A.K.A. Miss Patty and Babette—that Logan had fled Stars Hollow early the next morning, and he was glad for it. He wasn't sure which of Rory's ex-boyfriends he hated more, Logan or Dean. Right now neither was particularly high on his list and the image of him punching either of their faces was incredibly satisfying.

Stifling his violent thoughts, Jess turned his mind to Rory and her absence from his life. Like usual, she hadn't come into the diner since Logan's night in Stars Hollow. This wasn't surprising to him in the least though; he'd known she wouldn't show her face. She had never handled confrontation very well, especially when it came to him.

Several times he'd contemplated going to her to sort the whole thing out, but then he remembered everything she'd put him through and the uncertainty of their situation overwhelmed him.

When it came down to it, Jess wasn't sure all of the pain Rory put him through was worth it. Yes, he'd hurt her several times before, but this was starting to get ridiculous. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe it was time to cut his losses and get out while he still could.

The thought was tempting to Jess in some ways. Their past together sometimes felt insurmountable, as if they were constantly walking up hill to be together. And he'd tried so many different solutions to their problems, but nothing seemed to help.

But he knew that one of these days they would find a way to be together even if it took some time. Because as insurmountable as their circumstances sometimes seemed, Rory was something he'd never had before. And he wasn't willing to give up on that just yet. She was home and now that he'd finally realized how comforting 'home' could be, he was going to fight tooth and bone to keep it regardless of his doubts.

The irony of the situation brought a rare smile to his face. He'd traveled so many different places, and yet, he'd ached for her all the same. His love for her had not diminished in California, nor in New York or Philadelphia. That night at Truncheon Books, he'd told her they were what they were, but maybe this time they could change. If they could just grow up a little more and put their past behind them.

Sighing, Jess set aside his writing pad and climbed out of bed. Today, Rory would not be the foremost thought in his mind; today, he was going to meet Karen. His mother.

He was incredibly nervous, though he knew he would hide it well when meeting Karen. In fact, Jess had always marveled at his ability to hide his anxious feelings. The more nervous he was, the easier it was for him to hide it under a facade of indifference and anger. That was just the way he was and how he'd always been. And now, more than ever, he was certain this particular ability would be important in protecting himself. Perhaps it was strange, but he liked that the only people close to him were Rory and Luke. He wasn't much for close, personal relationships, and he intended to stay that way. This visit was purely for curiosity's sake. Karen may have been his biological mother, but that didn't change anything.

With that final thought in mind, Jess headed for the shower. It was time to do this.

---

Climbing into his truck and putting the car in drive, Luke threw a glance backwards toward the lake. It was a beautiful place, and it always seemed to bring him clarity of mind. Maybe someday, when the time was right, he would bring Lorelai here.

As he settled into the long drive, Luke let his mind drift. He'd pictured his reunion with Lorelai a thousand times already, but nothing he'd come up with so far had met his expectations. If they were going to do this, really do this, he wanted to do it right.

Conjuring up his favorite image of her—the stunning sight of Lorelai in her wedding dress—caused Luke to sigh. The gap between them had grown so much in the last six months, and he wasn't sure how he'd failed to notice it until it had exploded in his face.

He'd never considered himself a foolish man, but knowing just how far he and Lorelai had drifted made him reconsider. He'd spent eight years waiting for this wonderful woman to notice and love him back and had almost destroyed everything in a mere two years, mostly over a child he'd only known about for months.

Looking back on his selfishness regarding April, Luke felt ashamed. Being a parent wasn't about being cool and being loved—though Lorelai's relationship with Rory often made it appear that way—and he'd somehow forgotten that as he attempted to forge a relationship with April. He'd been so intent on gaining her favor that he'd never really focused on doing things that made him a father, like discipline or advice. Not that April ever seemed to need either, though there was the occasional time where he was able to dispense advice per her request. But those moments were far and few between.

It was strange, he reflected, finding out one had a daughter when she was already 12. Much of her personality and self had already been formed, and he sort of felt like he was more along for the ride than able to actually shape her the way that most parents did. The fact that Anna had taken that precious ability away from him burned him, but it was far too late to do anything about it now. Not that Anna hadn't done a stand up job of raising April as it was, but it would have been nice to have had a choice in being involved from the very beginning. Now April was reaching an age where parents, father or mother, were not cool, and he knew he only had a few more years before she'd shun him, whether intentionally or not.

Vaguely, he wondered if he would have done with Christopher had done, but immediately stopped that train of thought. The very thought of his name… Images of Lorelai with Christopher filled his mind, and he stubbornly pushed them aside. There was no way he and Lorelai would be able to heal if Luke couldn't forget and forgive her transgression.

Focusing his eyes and mind on the road, Luke realized that despite all of his thoughts about April and Anna, he'd forgotten one important part of his plan that included them. He had to make one crucial stop to visit Anna and April before returning to Lorelai. He was surprised he hadn't thought of it earlier, though his mind had been rather preoccupied during his trip with the various ways in he planned to kill Christopher if he ever saw him again.

Luke knew he had a battle in store for him. There were a lot of things that needed to be discussed between him, April, and Anna, both about their situation and Lorelai. And he had every intention of letting both girls know exactly how he felt. The last thing he was going to do was make the same mistake twice. Luke Danes might have been slow on the get up, but he certainly wasn't going to be a fool this time around.

---

Sitting in a diner that was remarkably similar to Luke's, Jess swirled the coffee cup in front of him in boredom. Karen was late, and he wondered how this spoke of her character. Maybe she is a loser just like Jimmy, Jess thought. Wouldn't surprise me if she is, sure would explain my lot in life…

A chime rang through the small diner, and Jess felt his body stiffen. He wasn't sure how, but he knew that when he finally raised his eyes, he would be looking into those of his mother's. A minute passed, and he sensed the person's hesitancy as she—assuming it was, and he knew it was—remained in the doorway. Breathing deeply, Jess forced his eyes upward and found himself staring into a pair of deep brown eyes that mirrored his exactly. Karen.

She began walking briskly toward him, though he noticed the shakiness of her step. She was, without a doubt, the exact opposite of Liz.

Her long, curly hair was dark brown, just like his, and pulled into a tight bun. She was tall in height and wore a dark blue suit paired with a black, leather briefcase. Jess wasn't sure of her age, but he could tell that she must not have been very old when she'd had him, as her face had very few lines. At his best guess, he'd put her around Lorelai's age, though probably some years older.

A lawyer, Jess marveled as she continued walking toward him in a rather professional manner. His birth mother was a lawyer. Or at least something along the corporate lines, as most people didn't dress in professional suits just for kicks, he noted.

She stopped at his table, and he silently gestured for her to sit. She sank into the booth, and Jess could feel her eyes surveyed him.

"Hi Jess," she murmured softly. "I'm Karen. Your…" she paused, and Jess watched as she gulped. "Your mother. Thank you for meeting with me."

He was surprised by the strange combination of crisp professionalism and anxiety in her voice. He wanted to say something to her to ease her discomfort, but the awkwardness of the situation, as well as his anger at her abandonment, stopped him. Let her explain why the two of them, mother and son, are sitting in some strange diner as though they are perfect strangers. Because that's what we are. Complete and absolute strangers.

"I suppose you are wondering why I let Liz and Jimmy take you…" she began, and he only raised his eyes to hers in response. "I wish I could tell you that I had noble reasons for doing so, but in reality, there was no nobility in what I did. When I slept with Jimmy, I was completing law school at the University of Chicago and already stated for a prestigious job on the West coast should all go well. Getting pregnant wasn't an option, nor was raising the child that resulted from it. So when Jimmy, who knew of my situation, suggested that he and his wife raise the child, I eagerly accepted, not realizing just what I was giving up in the process."

Her voice shook slightly, but she continued. "As time passed, I began to think of you more and more, wondering what you looked like, what type of person you'd become in my absence. For a long time, I suppressed my concern and interest, but eventually I could do so no longer. So I contacted Jimmy, who put me through Liz. I found out that you were living in Stars Hollow with your uncle, a Luke Danes."

Jess watched and listened to Karen in fascination, unable to tear himself away. He'd always assumed his own life had been in his own hands, and here was this woman, his mother, letting him know how much it wasn't.

"For the first time in my career, I took time off and flew to Connecticut. I was determined to make contact with you, though the very idea frightened me more than anything else in the world. However, a roadblock presented itself in the form of your uncle. He had only recently found out the truth and was absolutely livid at my gall to only now return. He thought that it might set you back in the progress he'd felt you'd made. However, I finally convinced him of my urgency. But when the big moment came, I lost my nerve and fled Stars Hollow in shame."

"You came to see me in Stars Hollow?" Jess muttered in a low voice, unable to believe his ears. Not only had his father finally returned, but so had his mother. The one he hadn't even known he had.

She nodded. "I'm rather ashamed to admit it, but I visited several times, each time unable to muster up the courage to actually make contact and build a relationship."

Jess thought for a minute, his brow furrowed until he replied, "So, what's changed then?"

Shaking her head slightly, Karen replied, "I'm not sure I understand your meaning."

"I think you do. What has changed that now you're contacting me and actually going through with it. Why are you here?" he asked suspiciously.

Her eyes misted slightly, and he shifted uncomfortably. Crying people had always made him uneasy, and this was exacerbated by the fact that he hardly knew this woman.

"I'm here because… I have breast cancer. Terminal breast cancer," she said, and a few tears fell down her cheeks. "And I just didn't want to meet my maker without knowing the one person I helped make, however small my contribution was."

"You're dying?" Jess whispered, feeling his heart constrict.

"Yes… which is why-"

"God, how selfish are you?" he spat, interrupting her and surprising surrounding diner patrons. "Why did you even bother contacting me? Just to clear your conscience? Well, that's just too damn bad. I'm out." He stood up quickly and moved out of the diner, casting angry glares at any onlookers.

The sun shined brightly as Jess exited the diner, and he cursed its happy nature. He heard Karen's shouts for him as he walked away, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to be her redemption, even if she was his mother.

----

Pulling into Anna's driveway, Luke felt slightly uneasy at the upcoming interaction. He'd called Anna from the road to let her know that he was coming, and he'd been able to hear the curiosity in her voice as she consented. Clearly, she didn't realize just what type of visit this was going to be.

The front door of the house opened up, and a small teenager darted out toward the truck. He couldn't hold back his smile as April approached him grinning. He'd never thought he was cut out to be a dad, and sometimes he still wasn't sure, but moments like this assured him that it was most certainly worth it. April was just something else.

"Hi," he said while climbing out of his truck.

"Hi," she responded brightly with a hug, which caught him off-guard but he quickly hugged her back. "How was your trip? Did you catch any fish? Which species?"

Anna walked up with a fond smile on her face as she watched April. "I think she likes you," she whispered teasingly, and Luke resisted the urge to respond with anger. He hadn't realized just exactly how angry he was with Anna, but seeing her, especially acting as though nothing had changed or happened, cemented his furious feelings. His and Lorelai's problems were by no means her fault, but her contribution certainly hadn't helped.

"We need to talk," he said seriously, and he watched as Anna's eyes darkened and she raised her eyebrows.

"All right…" she responded, following April into the house with Luke trailing behind.