Chapter Eighteen – Epilogue
I Disclaim.
"It's been three years, baby girl. Joey started school this year as you know and Amelia is exactly like you." John laughed as he sat next to his wife. "She's three today and so beautiful. She decided she wants to be a rock star when she grows up. Last week she was a Princess. She figures she can be both which I told her she can." He wiped his eyes and sniffled. He couldn't fight the emotions and he let them pour out of him. He cried openly as if the wounds were fresh. "Oh Carli I miss you."
Carol Cena sat in her son's car with her grandchildren. She quit her job in West Newbury and moved to Tampa to help John. She came with him every month and helped him put himself back together. She thought after three years he'd be on the road to healing, but he was just as wrecked as the week she died. He still wore his wedding ring and when friends and family tried to set him up with others he reminded them he was married. It didn't matter to him where Carli was, she was still his wife. Nothing changes that. Nothing.
Carol was explicitly told, as were other people, John and Carli's vows were for eternity. They never said "until death do us part". He promised to love, honor and cherish her for all eternity. He would not and will not break that promise. It was obvious to everyone he wasn't anywhere near being ready to accept her death and move on. "Can you just give me a sign that you hear me? That all the times I've been here you know it? And all the times I talk to you on the road or at the house you can hear me? I need you to hear me, hear the kids." Despite it being in the mid-80s on this sunny day in Tampa, John's body shuddered as if he were cold, his flesh instantly produced goosebumps.
"I still have your clothes in our closet. Your stuff in the bathroom. I just can't bear to part with it. I let Amelia play with some of your clothes and shoes, I know that's what you would do. God, Carli I hope I'm doing this right." His chin quivered and his voice cracked yet again. "It hurts, baby. It hurts and I'm scared it will always feel like this. I wait for you to walk in the door everyday. I call your cell phone to hear your voice. And don't roll your eyes because I still pay that bill just so I can hear you." He wiped at his tears and took a deep breath.
"Everyone says I need to move on. You need a woman in your life, John. Those kids need a mother, John." HE paused and wondered what Carli would do if the situation were reversed. "They have a mother. You're their mother. You're my wife." His emotions grabbed him again and he cried. "Please help me, baby girl. Please help me I know its not good for the kids to see me like this all the time and it only upsets Amelia." He tried to compose himself and gather strength.
"Everything reminds me of you. No matter where I am there's always something." A butterfly landed on the granite next to John and he glanced over. He could have sworn they were looking at eachother. "I love you so much." His words were choked out of him as he was hit by more sobs. "Help me, Carli. I can't be in this much pain forever, I won't make it." He watched the butterfly take flight and go straight to the car landing on the window by the kids. Both Joey and Amelia sat there looking at the butterfly. John stood and he and his children watched the butterfly as it flew straight up into the sky. "I can't let go, baby girl. I just can't." He said as he absorbed the meaning of the butterfly.
He sat in the driver seat and stared out the window. How could he learn from this if he clung to it with everything he had? How could his children learn to let their mother go if he couldn't? Wouldn't. He knew it was time, had been time, but his heart fought him. He was still broken and everything was still raw. He turned and looked at his babies. He was amazed at how much Amelia looked like Carli, it was astonishing. Was she his key to letting go? He would always have his son and his daughter, every day reminders of his wife. I can at least try, right? Amelia shook her head as if she read his thoughts. Her tiny hand reached for his and she smiled to him. Tears formed in his eyes and he felt his heart swell with love for his daughter.
"I love you, daddy." She said so seriously. "Kiss, daddy." John reached for her and pulled her to his lap. It was almost as if the tiny three year old was comforting her father. She held her daddy tight and kissed him.
"You've always got us, dad." Joey said as he leaned to his dad and hugged him too. He cried again, but this time felt better.
"Look." Carol said and they saw the same butterfly on the windshield.
"Hi, mommy." Amelia whispered and reached out her little hand to touch the glass.
He lay in bed that night thinking of the usual. Why had everything taken such a drastic turn three years ago. The rain was comforting, the thunder didn't bother him. His kids lay next to him and he smiled as he stroked their heads. He had music playing and he listened to the song.
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful, Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky, Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together, Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder, I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older, I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof, As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof, My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together, Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder, I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older, I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
As silly as it sounds, John and Carli would sing the song to eachother as loud as they could and laugh at the end. HE missed doing the little things. Missed her laugh that always made him laugh, all her smiles, the way her hair felt in his hands, the way she looked as she slept. Most of all he'd never forget the way she looked when she passed. She smiled slightly and her eyes were closed. He could still feel her against him and wondered if she still felt the same. "I love you, baby girl and I always will." He whispered and looked at the picture on his nightstand. Carli was pregnant with Amelia and asleep on this very bed holding Joey as they napped.
He switched out the light and turned off the music. Tomorrow was a new day, a fresh day and he'd do his best to push on through.