Chapter 3

Jaina fled immediately to the fresher upon their arrival, locking herself inside and not coming out for some time. She sat on the floor in the corner, knees drawn up to her chest. What was she going to do? She would die before she let him touch her, though she wasn't sure that anything of the kind was on his mind.

If anything Jagged Fel seemed as distraught by the nuptials as she was. She got the distinct feeling that he wanted as little to do with her as she did with him. He was permeated with misery in the Force. She tried to shut herself off to it, but he had a strong, domineering presence that wasn't easily ignored.

When she had been in seclusion for close to two hours she finally drew up enough strength to brave the outside world. She palmed open the door and peered outside. He was nowhere to be found in the bedroom. She extended her Force-awareness and found him in the living room. Confident that she was free of any unwanted intrusions, she took off the gown quickly, throwing it in a wrinkled pile on the floor. She put on a pair oversized pajama pants that had belonged to her brother Anakin until he outgrew them—Jaina was the smallest of her siblings by far despite the fact she was oldest—and a T-shirt that was baggy and at least two sizes too large. It was very unflattering; all the better. She wrapped herself in a robe and tied the sash tightly before venturing into the kitchen. He turned from his sitting position on the couch as he heard her enter, but made no comment. She said nothing either.

She grabbed herself a small pastry and a glass of blue milk and retreated quickly back into the bedroom. She ate quietly, by herself. She had no appetite, but knew she needed to eat to keep her strength up and so nibbled every once and a while until she finished it.

By then it was getting dark outside. The thought made her nauseous. It would be time to go to sleep soon. That meant he would come in there with her. She let her mind go no farther than that. She would have nothing to do with him.

She spent perhaps the next hour and a half just rearranging things in the room. She went from cabinets to dressers to closets to even the pictures on the wall. She moved everything around at least twice before she became satisfied with the feel of it. Bored but hoping she would stay that way, she went to look out the transparisteel window that led to her balcony. Speeders an hovertaxis, along with the occasional clawcraft patrol, buzzed by intermittently. But it wasn't like Coruscant. It didn't teem with life. The frigid climate kept most people indoors. Compared even to smaller worlds Jaina had seen, such as Mon Calamari or Bothawui, Csilla was sparse and desolate.

The door behind Jaina slid open. Jag came inside but still didn't speak. He pulled a few things out of one of his drawers and went wordlessly to the 'fresher. Jaina didn't want to speak, and so slid out of the robe and climbed into the enormous bed. She curled herself as far as she could to the edge, glad for the distance if he did the same. When he came out Jaina didn't look, speak, or even breathe. She buried her face in the pillow and pretended to be asleep. He went to the side of the bed opposite her, putting a good two meters between them. Neither spoke.

As she lay in the dark, Jaina wondered if this was what the rest of her life would be like. Would she always be so uncomfortable in her own house, always feel so awkward? Would she ever be able to have those nights when she and her brothers and her uncle stayed up all night watching old movies and laughing and talking? Would she ever have a three-on-one lightsaber match again where the odds were still ridiculously in Luke's favor, but he was kind enough to pretend to lose anyway? The thought made her want to laugh, but it caught in her throat and turned to a sob. He was such a pitifully bad actor it was cute, like when you see a stuffed Ewok or a baby Sullustan.

And Jacen. How many times had they gotten lost in that colossal metropolis? But he was always there; he always helped her find her way home. He always had a free shoulder to cry on, and encouraging words to lean on. Who would be there to pick her up now?

Another gasping sob escaped her throat.

Anakin. Her little brother. He was most like her off the four of them. They both loved tinkering, taking apart things they shouldn't and trying to put them back together again before Uncle Luke found out. He was always up for a challenge, like a barely restrained vornskr waiting to be unleashed. She doubted anyone on Csilla held the passion for life he did.

She tugged the pillow harder against her face, trying to mask the uncontrollable sobs. She knew he could hear her, but he hadn't spoken or even moved. She hated herself for doing this in front of him. Her embarrassment made her cry harder, and finally she could take it no more. She threw off the covers and leapt quickly out off bed. She ran to the balcony and threw open the transpariseel doors. She scurried onto the terrace, letting the doors slap shut loudly behind her. She grasped the smooth metal rail in both hands and looked down to the street below. It wasn't cold, for the veranda had been shielded and heated, but even so the metal was still cold to the touch. She relished in the feeling, any feeling other than the agony in her heart.

Looking at the distance beneath her, she considered jumping. The fall would surely kill her. But was she really brave enough to take her own life?

The balcony doors creaked slowly open. She didn't turn, but continued to look at the drop and debate as to whether or not take the plunge. Jag came into her peripheral vision, standing beside her next to the railing. She didn't look at him.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

She felt the tiniest hint of wind that managed to escape through the heat shield. The cold stung her wet cheeks, and she realized she was still crying. She shook her head no.

It was quiet again for a long while. She felt despair well up inside, and it bubbled forth suddenly like from a broken dam. She began to speak, to tell him everything about her brothers and Uncle. She told him about her parents, how she hadn't even spoken with them about the situation. She told him she hadn't lived with her parents since she was six, and that she missed them so much sometimes it became a physical ache.

She didn't know why she told him this. Maybe it was just because she needed to let it out. She had held so much in for so long. When she was done it was like a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders. He listened quietly and attentively as she spoke, and seemed to ponder her words for a long while after she was done.

And then he began to tell her who he was. He was a fighter pilot, first and foremost. His passion for flying was boundless. He had acquired his own squadron, risen above his alien piers at the age of sixteen, two years before. He had fought in two wars, neither of which Jaina had ever known even existed. Much of what the Chiss did was kept secret from the Republic. He told her of how his father had never treated him like a son; he was always a subordinate reporting to a superior officer. He told her how he had lost an older brother and younger sister, and his eldest brother, Chak, had been incommunicado in the far reaches of space for months.

They talked about food and holodramas, about podracing and sabaac. She told him about the time she and Jacen had snuck out and played sabaac at a bar one night, losing almost a thousand credits. Jag had never broken any of his parents' rules.

Jaina eventually began to forget that this was her husband, a man she had been forced to marry and had sworn to hate. She saw him just as Jag. And he wasn't nearly as bad as she had assumed. In due course they began to tire, but didn't go back inside. Jaina didn't even know she had fallen asleep until she woke up on the floor the next morning.

His breathing was even, and he gave all the signs of being completely asleep. Jaina just stared at him for a few seconds, then hoisted herself off the floor. It was daylight, and the must make for a funny sight by the passerby in hovercars. She considered waking him up but decided to leave him. She needed a shower.

She turned the water up as hot as it would get, until it scalded her skin. She just stood there under the for a long time until she tired of it. She got out and dried and put on a jumpsuit. Jag was no longer on the balcony, she saw as she went back into the bedroom. She went to the kitchen and found him making a pot of caf. He smiled slightly as she entered. "Morning."

"Good morning," she said sliding onto a stool and pulling it up to the counter that separated the kitchen and living room. "So, what time to you have to be at work?"

He checked his chrono. "Ten minutes." He gave her a sly look. "That eager to get rid of me?"

Jaina shrugged, noncommittal. "Maybe I just want to know if I'll have to order one breakfast or two."

He smiled and passed her a cup of caf. "It would never get here in time."

She shrugged again. "More for me." She fingered the rim of her cup nervously. She didn't know how well this would go over, but she had to ask. "Would you be willing to do me a favor today?"

He looked at her hesitantly. "What is it?"

"Could you maybe turn in an application for a spot in a squadron for me?"

He looked uncomfortable and fidgeted with the caf maker. "Jaina, I don't want to interfere, but I still think that's a bad idea. Most of the Chiss are above-average pilots."

Jaina drew herself up indignantly. "You have no idea as to whether I can fly or not."

He looked up and met her gaze. "You're right. I don't. Why don't you show me, then."

"How?" she asked cautiously.

"I'll make you a deal. You meet me at the simulators today at lunch. If you can beat me, I'll do everything I can to help you get in a squadron."

Jaina pondered his proposal carefully. "And what if I lose?"

He shrugged. "Then you drop the idea and pick something else to do."

She considered him for a long moment. He was obviously very confident he could beat her. That was a little disconcerting, and gave her pause. But this might be her one shot. She could do this. She had to. She extended her hand in agreement. "Deal."

They shook, both seeming satisfied with themselves. Jaina didn't know what kind of pilot he was, but according to everything she knew about the Chiss, they were full of great pilots. For him to have beat them all out and acquire his own squad would mean this was going to be tough. Really tough. But Jaina had never backed away from a challenge, and rather enjoyed the thought of beating him. She wouldn't go down without a fight.
The bank of simulators was huge. Row after row of pods lined the area, but they were all unoccupied. Everyone was a work. These sims were for off-duty practice, and any sims being run during this time of day would be on a base.

Jag was late. Jaina was a little miffed, but spent the time going over again and again everything she knew about starfighter tactics. It had occurred to her after he left that maybe the only ships they had programmed in were of Imperial make. She had only flown X-wings, and worried that she would be at a disadvantage.

The clawcraft was like a TIE, but probably closer to an X-wing than a TIE itself. She was torn, not knowing which she should chose if the occasion arose. She fervently hoped that it didn't.

She felt Jag approaching but didn't turn to greet him. She waited until he came up beside her before speaking. "They do have X-wings on these things, right?"

"Yes. But if you do by some chance happen to beat me you will have to fly clawcraft. You might as well start now."

"No thanks," she said, running a hand over the black metal shell. "I'll take my chances with one of those later."

"Suit yourself. Are you ready?"

She nodded slowly. She looked over at him and grinned mischievously. "Afraid?"

"No," he scoffed.

She used the Force to do a back flip onto the top of the pod. She looked down at him, smiling, and said, "You should be."

He was good. Really good. She found herself evading his shots more than actually attacking herself, but her main objective was to stay alive. Which she had done.

For the past to hours.

Lunch break had come and gone, but he wasn't willing to back down and neither was she. They played cat and mouse for a while, trading off defensive and offensive positions. They had both taken hits, but none of them were enough to do any serious damage or put the other out of commission.

She banked hard to starboard and then pulled up. She looped around, making and arc and dropping down beside what should have been his tail. But he was nowhere to be found. She dove immediately, panicking as missile lock alarms blared in her ears. She evaded for a good five minutes before gaining back some control of the situation. She searched her scopes, looking for him. She saw his position, off to her portside. She made for that direction, a plan slowly forming in her mind. As she came closer her approach vector was peppered with laserfire, and she juked and jinked out of the way. Finally she saw the perfect shot, one that came close enough to look like a hit. She slapped a control that would fry the circuit boards near her astromech and would give off a tremendous amoun of sparks. She allowed her fighter to wobble and shake as if in its death throes, while she actually began to initiate a missile lock of her own. As she saw him come in for the kill she spun her fighter suddenly, flipping it onto its s-foils and rotating the nose in his direction. She loosed the missile, but it exploded long before hitting its target. She realized suddenly that he had been preparing to use one on her, and the two had collided. She realized at the same time that he would have seen this from his angle before she did. The realization came a split second before she exploded in a brilliant ball of flame, pierced by his laser cannons.

She took off the simulator helmet wearily. She felt so disheartened she could have began another fit of weeping, but held herself firm. She popped the hatch to her pod, and hoisted herself out resignedly. He was already waiting on the ground for her, a small grin on his face. She noticed with a little bit of pride that he looked just as exhausted as she felt. "Well," she sighed, "I guess you win."

"I guess I do," he said.

"Yeah. I guess I'll see you later then."

"Hang on just a second."

Jaina turned back around to face him. "Anyone who can fly like that deserves to have a place in this military," he said softly.

Jaina felt a sudden since of joy well up inside her, the first happiness she had felt since arriving. "Are…are you serious?"

He nodded gently. Jaina burst suddenly into a grin and threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him in a grateful embrace. "Oh thank you!" she exclaimed. "You'll never know how much this means to me!"

He only smiled coyly as she pulled away. "I mean it. I never would have thought you had it in you," he said.

"You sure didn't make it easy," she responded as she checked her chrono. "Wow, you're really late."

He looked at the time and winced. "Yeah. I need to get going."

"Okay," she nodded. "I'll see you later."

Happier than she had ever thought she would be on this godforsaken rock, Jaina hurried back to their apartment to call her brothers and uncle.