Chapter 7

The apartment was uncomfortably empty. Jaina felt his absence keenly already, and she had only just arrived back onplanet. She lay awake in the oversized bed, staring at the ceiling and pondering the Star Destroyer collision that was her life.

All she wanted was to be normal. She knew she could never be completely so simply because of her lineage, but was relative normality too much to ask? She wanted to be a pilot or a mechanic. She wanted to do things that girls her age did. But mostly she just wanted her family back.

She supposed that she had held up especially well considering the circumstances. She had grown up without a mother or father, though given the choice she wouldn't have traded her Uncle Luke for wither of them. But she had been reasonably happy with her life. Then all that had been uprooted and torn from her as she was thrown into a completely alien environment. She was forced to marry and live with complete stranger. There was no flexibility in her life. She couldn't date like normal teens. She was already married.

Eventually she had come to terms with all of that. She had accepted Jag as a friend, if nothing else. She was fairly content with the life she had to lead. But now all of that had been taken too.

Why did everything always have to happen to her?

That was the question that repeated itself over and over in her head. Why? It was as if the universe would not be satisfied until every facet of her life had been stripped from her and destroyed. Would she even want to live when it was over?

She rolled over onto her side, staring at the refresher door. A fear worse than the others niggled at the back of her mind. What if Jag didn't come back? What would she do then? Would they send her home? That thought brought a little comfort to her gloomy mood, but she knew even then that things would never be the same. Maybe they would just keep her on Csilla, though. Then she would be left alone and abandoned, living a solitary life for the rest of her days.

No. She had friends. Touri was her friend. And…Payton was her friend, too. Jacen's advice gave her pause, but on this occasion she chose to ignore it. She needed someone to talk to. She certainly couldn't talk to Syal. And until Touri got back, she was going to need Payton to get through this.

She sat at the café booth, stirring her drink lackadaisically with the straw. Payton had agreed enthusiastically to have lunch with her, but Jaina was still a little apprehensive. Should she be doing this, especially with Jag away?

What would it matter if he never came home?

The door slid open and Payton stepped through. He smiled broadly when he saw her, and she managed a small grin. "Hey," he said as he sat down.

"Hey," she replied.

"What's going on?" he asked.

Jaina sighed and sat back. "Nothing. I was just feeling a little lonely. They deported Jag last night with the rest."

"Ooh," he said. "Sorry."

"Thanks. I don't want to talk about it though. Hungry?"

"Starved."

They had a comfortable lunch with easy laughter and plenty of smiles. It almost made Jaina forget her misery. So when they finished eating they just sat and talked for hours on end. She dreaded the time when he would have to leave because then she would be left alone with her despair.

Finally he sighed in that way people sigh when they have to do something they don't want to. He looked up and grinned sadly. "It's late, Jaina. I need to go."

"I know," she replied. "I just hate going back to that place and sit by myself until it's time to go to bed."

He sat back and studied her intently. "Can't you go stay with your inlaws?"

"They haven't offered," she replied. "I'm not sure I would go, anyways."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Syal is nice enough, but I feel uncomfortable around the Baron. Life would be too tense, I guess," she mused.

"Well, just give me a call if you need anything," he said as he stood.

"Thanks," she replied.

And then he left.

Jaina continued to sit at the booth. It was times like these that she was most confused about herself. When she was around him, it seemed like Payton would have been the perfect man for her. But the night before she thought she had begun to feel something for Jag…

It was all too confusing. They were both handsome and affable. They each had their own sense of humor and she connected to them each in their own way. But it was a moot point, she realized. Nothing could ever come of any feelings she might have for Payton or any other man. Jag was it. She had no choice.

When she got back to the apartment there was a message waiting. It was from Jag. "Hey," he said softly. "We're just about to go on our first offensive, and the Commander said we should say our goodbyes, in case we don't come back." There was a long pause when he just seemed to be staring through time and space, right to her soul. "I hope everything's going okay. I know Mother would be happy to help you with anything you need." Another pause. "Listen, I'm not really sure what to say. If I do die, I honestly don't know what will happen to you. I would hope you would get to go where you want. But I don't know. I guess as far as goodbyes, there's not much to say. I think you're a good person, Jaina, and I'm glad I got the chance to meet you. I'll try to let you know whether I lived or not as soon as possible," he said with a slight smirk. Jaina laughed in spite of herself. The message faded.

She hated that she had missed his call. She would have loved to wish him good luck in person. But hopefully he would be home soon anyway, and then things could go back to normal.

"So when does Touri get back?" she asked. "She's been gone a long time."

Payton shrugged. "Said she was tired of the Chiss rote and wanted to get out for a while. Didn't say when she would be back, just to take care of the shop while she was gone. I've only gotten one message, to say that she was okay."

"Where did she go?"

"Chandrilla, I think."

Jaina smiled. "She'd like it there. It's such a beautiful planet."

"I guess she does, considering how long she's been away. I'm beginning to wonder if she'll ever come back," he laughed.

Jaina didn't find it funny. The fact that her friend had just disappeared like that was alarming for a reason that she could not put her finger on. It was that small Force-tug again, but it eluded her every attempt to capture it. She supposed that she would just have to wait until the actual problem presented itself before trying to fix it.

She had been leaning on Payton for companionship a lot in the month that Jag had been gone. He helped to assuage some of her loneliness, but that was all. To her complete surprise, she grew no closer to a relationship with him the whole time. In fact, if his presence did anything it was make her miss Jag even more. Payton was great, that was for sure. But he wasn't Jag. She hadn't know how much she had come to rely on him in the weeks they had spent before he had departed. It seemed that in the absence of anyone else to depend on she had leaned on him. And no matter how much he made her laugh, or how much she agonized over the fact that she and Payton were so unmistakable made for each other, he could just never completely fill the whole left in her life.

But he helped. She didn't have to be alone. He was always there to talk to. He was such a good listener, too. It only made him more attractive. It became so that he was at her apartment almost everyday. They would cook and eat dinner together, and laugh and play dejarik until it was time for him to leave. After he left she always hated to go and lie by herself in that oversized bed.

And that was the root of it. She knew without a doubt that—even though he had never spoken it—if she ever wanted to take that extra step forward he was there waiting. He didn't push or press or show any indication of wanting to be something more, but she knew he did. She could feel it. The problem was deciding what she wanted.

Did she want that?

"You okay?" he asked, jerking her out of her reverie.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I was just thinking about Jag."

He eyed her speculatively. "Do you miss him?"

Jaina sighed, considering the question. "I miss him being here," she said finally.

He nodded, as if it was the answer he had been expecting.

Jaina sipped the cup of caf Syal had offered her. It was warm and soothing, and made her feel snug all over. She smiled and set it back down on the table. They were in the kitchen of the Fel family mansion, as Jaina had been invited there for dinner. She hadn't been invited since Jag left, and so the invitation was both unexpected as well suspicious. Suspicious as in she was wary of the motive.

What increased her reservations was the fact that no one except Syal was present, and the dinner was anything but formal. Still, if there was a bombshell, it hadn't been dropped or even hinted at so far.

"So," Jaina began, trying to pull the reason for the invitation from her host, "is there a reason you asked me here tonight?"

Syal looked calculatingly over the rim of her cup. "As a matter of fact, there is."

When there was no indication of her continuing, Jaina gestured for her to proceed.

Syal sat the cup down and studied Jaina intently. "I understand you have been spending quite a lot of time with Mr. Calaborskai."

Jaina raised a single eyebrow. That was one thing she had not expected this to be about. "He's a good friend."

Syal sighed. "I'm not judging you, Jaina, or admonishing you. I cannot even imagine being put in your position. Rather, I am going to say this for your own good, as well as for the good of my son. I do not like the relationship you are pursuing with this man."

Jaina frowned. "Pursuing? What, exactly, do you think I am pursuing?"

Syal frowned back. "Do not take me to be naïve."

"There is absolutely nothing between us, Syal. He's never touched me."

"Yet."

Jaina was getting angry. "I have no intention of practicing infidelity."

Syal's expression was sad. "Jaina, being unfaithful does not have to constitute a physical relationship. All it takes is that one moment of desire."

Jaina stood, not wanting to hear what she was saying. "I haven't been disloyal!"

Syal stood then too, the look in her eyes determined. "I'm not scolding you like a child, Jaina. I believe you have the best intentions. But I'm afraid that if this goes on it won't stay that way."

"You can trust me, Syal. I may not love Jag, but I respect him. I wouldn't do that."

"I do trust you, Jaina. It's Payton that I do not trust."

That gave Jaina pause. "Why?"

Syal sat wearily. "I do not know. But I think you should stay away from him."

"But he's been such a good friend. I just cannot write him off." She would not just write him off.

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

"Really, Syal, you have no need to worry."

"That is not why I worry."

Jaina looked at the older woman curiously. "Then why?"

Syal raised her head and meant Jaina's stare squarely. Jaina could see then the heaviness in her gaze, the worry behind the eyes. Syal was truly troubled. "I am worried because I received a message today. Jag is coming home."

Jaina stepped back. She had received no such information. "That's wonderful. Why does that worry you?"

"Because if you cannot let Payton go now, I worry that you won't be able to give him up when Jag returns."