Episode 3: YASASHII, II KO NI NARENAI
Act 1: Doo yuu tsumori na no Dattara nan na no
Once upon a mid-day dreary, Robin pondered, weak and weary
At the unpleasant morning surprise, he was awake long before sunrise
And so to class he did away, with eyelids drooping, looping ever still
As he prepared to take his practice test among the rest in the gloomy highrise
Nestled ever so concretely and discreetly upon the maddening sunrise
That tempts our hero ever more.
---
How remote the day before did feel, with Starfire ever near
And Bumblebee, the wicked sort, did horrible things to the boy
And so with pain in every joint, tearing away his concentration
He prepared to take his pen in hand and scribble scrip upon the writ
And take with written exorcist of demons in his heart once more
Until the Raven, evermore.
---
In the time that this transpires, on a rainy dreary morning
Did the Raven return once more to fair Jump City in the sun
That blotted out by blackened clouds did to her face a smile restore
For without this unfortunate demise of happy light she did surmise
That something good should occur this day
And she would deal with them nevermore.
---
"An ill omen," she said to those who listened, "Perhaps has befallen
The fellows in my homely Tower. Perhaps that Terra has been harmed
By some brutish super human thug, with a heart, this sinister bug
And deposed of she has been, to some hospital wing to lean
Upon the door paralyzed.
I'd pray for this and nothing more."
---
The losers did behold their score, while Raven prayed for doom and more
Withheld the information from their souls, they knew they failed
And how, and why! Poor Robin's heart did shatter in twine
At the D that before his eyes revealed the dire shatter style
With which his hopes may conspire
That it shall happen nevermore.
---
"Come good sir, let us away," said the green and befuddled sir
That took with the metallic brother Robin's arms and away with him did fly
Did fly away, to far off place, umbrellas in their hands they held
And whither searched in yonder place, for a pretty young face
To coo and coddle and hope to charm
But this would happen nevermore.
---
Rejection did come upon, as asked each "Come away with us and play!"
But on this dark depressing day, the answer was simply nay.
And could but Robin say one thing…
"I, uh, guys. Maybe we should quit this."
"Ah, he is right!" said the green one so
"And how, he is," agreed the metal one.
"This is getting us nevermore."
"That's not what I meant," Robin said, as they approached another group of young girls. They seemed to be excited to see the dark girl that hid in the center of the group. Her eyes were obscured by the cloak that she wore, and she seemed quite angry to be beset upon by the horde of young girls.
Cyborg and Beast Boy found it, however, irresistible.
"How cute!" BB declared. "Hey, girls, wanna go out someplace? Our treat!"
"Beast Boy, don't --!" Robin tried to say, but was stopped by Cyborg pushing him away. (It seems my gift for rhyme has gone into overtime. I think I must decline to write this whole verse in line. I cannot stand to think of what will become of me, should I make this entirely poetry.)
"Maybe a karaoke bar?"
"Get lost!"
"Losers!"
"Aww, don't be like that! It'll be fun!" said Cyborg, unaware of the deadly glare that the girl in the middle had given them. Robin, however, knew that it did not bode well for any of them.
"Guys, let's just go!"
It was too late. Massive energy spiked from the center as the girl's eyes flared red. "Befoulers! You'd dare attempt to take away their innocence? I won't tolerate this." The energy spike was enough to send the boys flying backwards. While Cyborg and Beast Boy got up fast enough to get away, it could be said that living with the Titanesses had made Robin a bit more used to the punishment.
"Listen, I had nothing to do with this –"
"Lies! You shall pay for your impudence!" the girl lifted him up with her hands. He struggled to get free, his writhing accidentally knocking over the hood the girl wore. She looked at him, her eyes losing their demonic edge, and was just shocked for a second.
Then she felt where his hand has ended up after that and the demon returned.
The psychic assault left him in a mess on the ground. He could barely mutter, "The demonic schoolgirl, scary." Then he gave in and let consciousness wipe away.
"Ah, at last! The waters of the cursed springs of China are in my possession. Among these tainted vials lies the path to true mastery of the forgotten arts!" Kitarou was very, very pleased.
As he had said, he held in his hands a case filled with vials of a strange liquid that looked like water, smelled like water, and probably even tasted like water. In fact, if one wasn't wary, they'd learn the hard way that these were no ordinary vials of water. Inside each molecule there was a powerful Chinese curse leveled on them.
"And now, to make my escape!"
"Hold it right there! Wait, Kitarou, zat you?"
"Jinx? I did not think this was your beat," he said, "Admittedly it is cursed, but it's rooted firmly in the mythology of the Far East which, as you know, is my domain. But being said, you may have what I do not use," he bowed.
"Whoa, whoa, quiet down. They might hear!" Jinx exclaimed. "Look, surrender now or, uh, prepare to fight. Really, no choice in the matter." She assumed a cocky ready stance, "So just surrender, really."
"Oh-ho, what's this? You challenge me to combat? Very well, I will not go easy on you." The battle was over in a single move. Kitarou, his foot moving slowly, knocked Jinx to the ground and pinned her. "You cannot defeat my Taekwando. I have learned from the best."
"That's great, but could you remove your foot from my breast? It hurts, blast you!" She squirmed underfoot.
"Ah, I ask your forgiveness." He removed his foot.
"Sucker!" Jinx laughed. The earth began to quake underneath him. "Now, Bee! Get him!" Terra and Bumblebee leapt at the off-balance martial artist, who blocked their attacks aside with relative ease.
"It will take more than that to defeat me!" Kitarou announced. "Now, allow me to show you the grappling techniques of the renowned anything-goes style combat. Hyah!" He jumped into the air, only to land quite flatly against a tall spike of earth that Terra had conjured.
"Hi-keeba!" Terra screamed. "Take that! And that!" She emphatically pumped her hands forward, as if she were attacking some invisible enemy.
Kitarou slid down the spike, a pained expression on his flattened face.
"Hey, way to go girl. When Robin gets back, we'll go out to celebrate. That really socked it to him!" Bumblebee applauded.
"Isn't this the part where we wait for the police to cart him off?" Jinx asked.
"Want go home! Want watch big monster flat screen HDTV of dreams!" Terra whined. Her arms flailed around as Bumblebee and Jinx tried desperately not to look mortified by the tantrum.
"When will the hurting stop?"
Kitarou still was in a world of pain, so they didn't seem to have to worry too much. "Jinx, take Terra home. I'll keep an eye on him."
"Hey, why don't you get on back, Bee. I'm sure you could use a rest. I'll keep an eye on him 'til the cops arrive."
"You sure? They may not –"
"That's all past! Stop worrying. Go!" Jinx shooed them off.
"Okay, we'll figure out what's with this when we get back to the lab. Just, don't do anything rash. Kitarou's dangerous. He's a master of at least five martial arts, and a novice at a hundred more."
"Hey!" Kitarou moaned, "I know more than that."
"Shut it!" Bee threw a stone at Kitarou. It hit the ground by his head. "Just be careful, okay?"
When they were clear out of earshot she kicked Kitarou rather hard in a sensitive area. "That's for the foot. Now get out of here. And don't come back!" Jinx snarled. He had almost blown her cover!
"I will not cease until I recover my prize, understand?"
"If you do that… Robin'll beat you up," she warned. She yawned, knowing full well Robin could not defeat Kitarou very likely, but still, a little bit of respect for the boy was swelling in her breast.
"This Robin? Is she a strong fighter?"
"He, and yeah. The best of the best."
"Then I must challenge him. I shall look forward to our next encounter. Good day, Jinx." He bowed formally and left in his usual flashy style. Jinx just shrugged and kicked a stone nonchalantly with her feet.
"So, will this one get me in trouble?" She whistled, and decided if she took the long way home she'd be able to see the elephant again, and maybe they wouldn't notice.
Terra rushed to the door, eager to be home. "Oh, my beautiful TV how I've missed you and what the heck happened to the front door?"
"Close it. Creepy girl will kill me!" Robin's voice meekly spoke from behind her. She looked to find Robin hanging loosely from the ceiling, looking very, very disturbed.
Terra decided to ignore this, just to make sure she didn't offend him. "Hello Robin!"
"Shhh!" he harshly whispered. "She'll hear you."
"Who'll hear me?" Terra asked. "Is this like the time I started a podcast?"
"Robin? What you doing up there?" Bee asked, coming in a second later and closing the door rather harshly on Robin's knee.
"Yow! I'm hiding from the scary demonic schoolgirl!" he said. "She thinks I followed her here and now she's trying to kill me!"
"Why are your clothes sopping wet?"
"Because I ran into her in the laundry room! I didn't know she was there, honest!" Robin prepared for Bumblebee's retribution, but none came.
"I believe you. Demonic schoolgirl. That sounds familiar…"
"There he is! Die, stalker!" The psychic assault carried with it a series of kitchen knives that Robin barely avoided. He looked like a piece of string, so thin and gaunt, fitting around the knives.
The girl who was chasing him was wearing nothing but a towel.
"Raven! You're back!" Terra exclaimed.
"You know her?"
"I thought so. Raven, stop it. He didn't know," Bumblebee said. "Don't worry, he won't try anything. He doesn't have the spine for it." Robin looked vaguely insulted but his survival instincts told him not to say anything.
"But there is a man in our tower! Uninvited!" She crossed her arms. "He saw me like this? I can't let him go without punishment."
"I'm punished enough around here, and I never do anything!" Robin sobbed. It was really just not his day.
"Look, Robin's been through enough already. Let's wait for Jinx to get back and we can discuss what's been going on since you've been gone.
The door slammed open. "I'm home!"
"My kidney!"
Act 2: Otoko ka onna ka hakkiri shinasai
"No way! I can't, I mean, no! No way!" Raven screeched. She was still trying to process what Bumblebee had just told her.
"Sorry, Raye-girl, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. The pervert here is the team leader, Flamebird's decision. No ands, ifs, or buts."
"Sorry," Robin said, "And I'm not a pervert."
"But, why?"
"He's a Solo hero!" Terra exclaimed.
"Mmhm," Jinx agreed.
"What?"
"Call it instinct, or a woman's intuition," Jinx said.
"And he's Robin!" Terra added.
"Mmhm," Jinx agreed.
"That's not a reason," Raven deflated. "So you're all in agreement?"
"Unfortunately," Bumblebee said. She nodded. "Robin's Team Leader. No questions. Even if logic dictates that he shouldn't even be allowed in the same building. Oh, speaking of that. Where's the new member?"
"She went to the," he groaned, "'Mall of Shopping' to, apparently, 'Convene with the spirits of commerce' and 'Procure the tangy yellow beverage.'"
"Oh, that reminds me," Jinx said, "Who used up all the mustard?"
There was silence as the two thoughts suddenly overlapped. "That makes me sick in my tummy," Terra mumbled. "I love mustard, but drinking it? So much of it, anyway." She looked a little embarrassed suddenly.
"So, Starfire drinks Mustard," Bumblebee muttered. "Didn't notice, Robby?" She looked rather menacing with her eyes turned towards Robin.
This was when Raven decided to get an answer. "Who is this Starfire? A new member?"
"Yeah, among other things!" Jinx exclaimed. She leaned in close, removing pictures from some hidden compartment, "She's also sleeping with the team leader! Explaining why she's rising up the team faster than anyone."
"These pictures, the proof is incontrovertible!" Raven showed the pictures to Bumblebee. Robin shrunk into his seat. Bumblebee glowered.
"I've got more if you want to see them. Oh, these two are just so cute together!" Jinx announced, enjoying the expressions on Bumblebee's face.
"What is the meaning of this?" Raven asked.
"It's…" grit teeth said otherwise, but she attempted to look calm, "…not his fault. This time. He was tricked by a space pirate and now he's…"
"Oh, betrothed!"
"That was really well timed," Jinx noticed.
Starfire put her arms around Robin, "I have returned from the Mall of Shopping with many strange garments that I believe your people call tank tops, for apparently they are tops to the tank of water, perhaps."
"Water!" Terra announced, "Some guy was trying to steal water!"
"Nice transition, Terra. That sounds like something that the Justice League of Superfriends should deal with," Jinx muttered.
"You were there! It was cursed, by some creepy Chinese curse thingie."
"Look," Bee sighed, "It's the Ancient Cursed Springs of China. It's said that there are tragic tales of things and people drowning in these pools and that causes a curse to be placed on anyone who touches the water."
"Anyone?" Terra asked.
"Anyone."
"Robin! Catch!" Terra took a vial and threw it at Robin. He did catch it and the next three – one ever so daintily on his shoe – but the last one beaned him right in the head and he landed face down, unconscious, but not wet.
"Whoops," Jinx said. "Terra, you have to be more careful. Make sure that they're unstopped before you throw them."
"Hehe, sorry!" Terra said, her hand behind her head. "I got it this time!" She unstopped one and threw it. It landed in his mouth, without spilling. "Wow he's good."
The Titanesses, even Raven, grudgingly applauded his feat.
"Seriously, girls," Bee said, "We can't just go around throwing this. What if it really is cursed and he gets turned into some horrible yeti-riding-bull-while-holding-eel-and-crane monstrosity."
"Then we'll use the Spring of the Drowned Octopus to let him live out his creepier fantasies with you?" Jinx suggested.
"You're a bigger pervert than he is!" Bumblebee screamed with her face pink.
"So I am… oh well!" She opened up a vial and began to pour it, "For science!"
"For science!" Terra and Starfire chorused.
"Oh this is going to end in tears."
"What are they doing?" Raven demanded. "This is horrible! I can't watch." She rose from her seat. "Bumblebee, can we talk about this?"
"I suppose," Bee said. "I don't want to see where this is going to end up." The two left the debacle to its own devices.
"Oh darn, I missed," Jinx said, looking rather displeased. "Enough fun for today, I guess. Come on girls. Let's go watch TV!"
"Hooray for television!" Terra announced.
"I wish to watch a program on the various fungal growths of the planet!" Starfire announced. They began to put away the vials.
"Hey, Robin, wake up!" Jinx said, splashing him with water. "Oh, no go, huh? Oh well." She looked at what water she just splashed him with. "Whoops." She was going to be in enough trouble once Kitarou showed up again; she didn't want to get this one blamed on her either. "Toodles!" she said before dashing away like her tail was on fire.
"I do not believe I understand the story behind this show," Starfire said, munching on popcorn with Terra and Jinx. "Why does the Fonz, the most virile male, not simply eat the lesser Cunningham boy for his impudence? Your Earth ways are so mysterious to me."
"Yes, eating, good!" Jinx said, "We should eat! Let's eat out. Yes, out, every night!"
"Something wrong, Jinxy?" Terra asked. "Are you actually agreeing that the adorable Ron Howard should be eaten? He was Opie, Jinx! Opie! Does that mean anything to you? Does it?"
"It's the beating of that horrible heart!" Jinx screeched.
Then a silence fell among the group. A silence that was only broken by the rather woozy sounds of a young girl wandering down the hall. "I think I'm going to go for a walk, okay?"
Terra, still watching the show, popcorn in her mouth, muttered, "S'k'y," idly and paid no further mind to Jinx's outcry. She swallowed her mouthful and looked at Jinx, "So, you were saying?"
"I was saying how nice it is that we have a black cat in the mortar. Yes, we should go for some amontillado? Yes, sounds lovely. Follow me, everyone! There's a cask in the basement."
"I believe Friend Jinx's guilt for some prior misdeed is attempting to manifest itself," Starfire offered to Terra.
"Wow, that's some deep stuff! Totally metaphysical, man. Ooh, look, there's a shark!"
"Amazing! A shark is a variety of sea creature that is customary to be jumped over?"
"I think so," Terra said, "For some reason, I feel a deep connection to jumping the shark, and yet, I'm not really sure why."
The same voice, this time a little more awake, moved across the hallway, "Sorry, just have to get changed first. I'm wet for some reason."
"That's not healthy," Terra said. "So, friend of yours, Jinx?"
"The monkey did it, I tells ya! The monkey!" Jinx looked at the popcorn. "Ahh! Death!"
"That's just popcorn, Jinx!"
"Oh, right. Sorry, I – there she is, standing without the door!" Jinx pointed. She pointed, amazingly, at the girl who had been just this minute changing. She was dressed in Robin's uniform.
She blinked – at least, they thought she blinked – and then added, quietly, "Who, me?"
Then Jinx fainted.
"I think that gag ran its course," Terra said, cheerfully, blissfully unawares. "So, Robin, what happened to you?"
"I do not believe that is my Betrothed, Friend Terra. He is in fact a she if you are still unawares."
"Oh yeah, I thought the hair color seemed funny. Is she Robin's sister or something?"
"Uh, guys, what are you talking about?" Robin finally noticed the change in his voice. "Ack! Am I coming down with a cold?"
"Uh," Terra muttered. "I think we should get Raven to explain this."
"Why New Friend Raven?" Starfire asked.
"Because it's an amusing transition!"
"I have experience breaking horrible news to people," Raven explained to Starfire, "I think I can do the same for this male." Robin looked at her cockeyed.
"Horrible news?"
"Robin," Raven said, taking a deep sigh. "You're a woman. How you became a woman, I cannot say. Where your male hormones have gone, no one knows, but in your body they are not."
"I'm a what!"
"That was truly an amusing transition," Starfire agreed, wholeheartedly. "But now, we must figure out what to do about this condition before he is unable to produce offspring. I do not think I could live with such a shame." Terra patted her back. "Perhaps we should see if we can figure which vial contains a curse that would nullify this one!"
"Probably," Raven groaned. "You do what you want."
"Excellent. Come Terra."
"Aww, but I wanted to play dress-up with Robin!"
"I'm not a real girl!" Robin yelled. It turned into a screech, which then turned into a siren. He responded by a meek peep, and blushed. But the siren continued regardless.
"Girls, we've got a big problem!" Bumblebee's voice came over the intercom. "Report to the evidence room, pronto."
"You heard the lady," Terra said. "Hi ho, silver! Jitterbug! Rumba!" There was a moment's pause, and Raven rolled her eyes upward to glare at the petite blonde.
"Why are you hopping onto my back?"
"Giddy-up!"
"I'm not a horse!" Raven answered. "Get Jinx to be your playmate."
"But she's passed out in the living room. Something about standing without a door, which is just weird since he was in the door but he was a she."
"What are you blathering about?" Raven said. "Starfire, take her, please. I can't stand this anymore." She foisted Terra off on the alien. "Let's just go to the evidence room and pray that we can figure out what's wrong with this curse."
She vanished into the floor.
Starfire stared at Terra, who was looking very upset at being rebuffed by Raven, and hopped onto her back. "Hi ho, Silver! Jitterbug! Rumba!"
"Ow! My back!" Terra screamed.
Robin was halfway up the stairs when the kettle hit him on the head.
He then, soaked and boiled by the water, burst into the evidence room. Bumblebee and a man in an expensive looking Chinese number were facing off. "Robin, good to see you!" Raven emerged from the floor, and Terra, back weary from carrying Starfire, stumbled into the door last.
"The Titanesses and this… Robin I've head so much about. What a pleasure it is to finally meet you, and also, to destroy you. I do not know where you've hidden my prize, but I will soon rediscover it." He pointed at Bumblebee, "I will show it to you again. The Anything Goes Item Toss!" He threw a random assortment of items, including a kitchen sink at Bumblebee.
She dodged between them, and stuck out her tongue. "Ha! Missed!"
"Do you believe I, the mighty Kitarou, would be so cocky to presume you would just stand still? Ha! Foolish!" He whipped around his bo in a threatening manner. "Shinmei Ranbu! The God's Cry Dance!"
The God's Cry Dance, as he called it, was blindingly fast. He seemed to be in two places at once, fists and feet dancing between her. She held her hands to block, but felt herself being pushed back regardless.
"A little help, here?" Bee screamed.
"Ask and you shall receive," Raven said, her deadpan careful. She took the bo from Kitarou's hand, engulfing it with her psychic aura, and spinning it around menacingly. "If you're going to announce your attacks, do so after you've done them!" She aimed a blow at Kitarou's head, but to her surprise he blocked it.
"I laugh at your jest. But this time I shall turn my rage towards you!" He paused, looking at the serious expression on Robin's face. "Hold it. You wish to battle me in an honorable battle, do you not? So be it! We shall begin this battle with the utmost of respect. No interruptions, merely our fists."
"Agreed," Robin said. He was busy judging the style. "Whenever you're ready."
"We must first greet one another in the proper way!" He bowed. "Osu."
"Osu," Robin muttered. What was with this guy? "Now?"
"Now!" He moved to his stance, "A prediction. This match will end in three moves." Robin had already moved to attack, his fists blurring with the speed at which they moved. The attacks were parried expertly by his opponent's movements. "Predictable!"
The double fisted thrust pushed Robin back, but he recovered quickly.
There was whispering from the peanut gallery. "Silence!" Kitarou yelled, his hand thrusting forward to disperse the others. "This match must be done in silence."
"What a jerk," Terra whispered. The others silently agreed.
"That was your first move. Do not waste your next two. Afterwards, this match shall end."
"Whatever." Robin struck with his fist, then his leg swept towards Kitarou. The martial artist dodged these attacks, but did not foresee the next motion. Robin leapt into the air and grabbed onto his head, spinning it around as he dismounted.
There was some cheering.
"He's not that great," Bee muttered.
Kitarou rubbed his neck and leapt to his feet. "Oh, you are very good, but you're one move down, and one step further from victory. Behold the secret techniques of the mythical Hiryuu School of martial arts." His hands moved in a blur, "Kokoryu Damashii!"
That's when the room decided to collapse in on itself.
"What's going on!" Bee screamed.
"I think this is what they call a gravity sink," Raven muttered. "Whatever this idiot is doing it's creating a disturbance in the gravity of the entire planet."
"It's like some kind of bad video game!" Terra added. Raven groaned. "Well, it is!"
And now for something completely different.
"Okay, I passed the bar, I am standing here behind the bench, I have a guy here glaring at me. How did I end up in this mess? Isn't this Robin's job, anyway?"
Cyborg was not pleased. Nor should he be. The situation he found himself in was not exactly the most pleasant. Beast Boy, who had decided to side-bar for him, despite the fact that he had no idea about law and he was the one under trial, was making funny faces at the judge.
The judge seemed to find this amusing.
"Anyhow. The trial of Garfield Logan is now in session. The Prosecution may now make its opening statements."
The Prosecution was a rather chunky individual. "Thank you, your honor. Now, as you may or may not know, I have learned everything I know about law enforcement through television. Law and Order taught me to prosecute. I know what I'm doing. And the defendant is clearly guilty of all charges against him. Whatever they may be. We never do get into that in the shows, probably because it's so boring."
"Oh, goodie."
"Give 'em heck, Cyborg!" Beast Boy said.
"Hmm, is that all? Very well. The Prosecution may call its first witness."
"The prosecution calls the defendant, Garfield Logan, to the stand."
The audience made some noise. They seemed excited by the Prosecution's first move – either that or they were all asking simultaneously what sort of name Garfield was.
"Name?"
"Beast Boy."
"Name."
"Beast. Boy."
"Occupation," the prosecution said, giving up.
"Beast Boy."
"Okay. Moving on." He slammed his bench hard, causing his badly cared hair to bounce up and down. "Witness, testify as to what happened on the day in question."
"What day in question, dude? You're being so vague. Do you even know that this is even about?"
Cyborg knew. Two days ago a girl Beast Boy had been seeing vanished. She was found dead yesterday, and Beast Boy was arrested. Without Robin around, it became his job to find a lawyer. And by some quirk of fate, it turned out that he was it. Now, standing where he was, Beast Boy posed the greatest threat between freedom and a guilty verdict.
"I believe the Prosecution refers to the date of the disappearance of Miss Bloque."
"Yes, of course, that's what I mean!" the Prosecutor said, sweating profusely. He pointed accusingly at Beast Boy, "Now Testify!"
"How did this guy pass the bar?" he asked in a harsh whisper.
WITNESS TESTIMONY
"Well, let's see. I was eating breakfast. So yeah, that's normal. Uh, then I went to cram school, then I was busy stalking our friend Robin who has been acting weird lately, believe you-me."
"Anyway!" Beast Boy cleared his throat.
"I didn't see nothing."
- - - -
"Is that all? Well, the Defense can start its cross examination."
Cyborg just couldn't believe it. He was so obviously lying. "Why are you doing this to me, Beast Boy. Let's see. You were eating breakfast?"
"Yep!!"
"Objection!" Cyborg said.
"Objection!" retorted the Control Freak. "On what grounds?"
"On the grounds that my client is lying, obviously! He's not normal, in the least. And furthermore, in all the years I've known him, he doesn't eat breakfast!"
Beast Boy yelped. "Geez, man. I thought you were here to prove me innocent, not turn me into a lying liar-face."
"Your Honor, I'd like my client to give an actual testimony, this time with facts. He's a bit nervous and a compulsive liar." Cyborg sighed. "Let's try this again, BB. Tell me the truth this time."
"Fine, fine. Party pooper."
The room was collapsing in on itself.
"This is just how I wanted to die, crushed into a quantum singularity. Thanks, guys," Raven said.
"Feel free to help any time, team," Robin muttered. "I'm not a one-man army."
"You sure make it look easy, though," Terra said. "Teach me how to be so cool, Robin. Please? I'll be your best friend forever!"
"Don't do it, it's suicide!" Jinx yelled.
"I agree," Raven said.
"Second that," Bumblebee finished. "Anyway, Raven, can you please stop us from being crushed by a gravity well?"
"Do I have to?" Raven asked. She sighed and allowed her psychic aura to extend outwards towards the small ball that Kitarou conjured. "Azarath." The aura clamped down on the katamari. "Metrion." The gravity well began to weaken, and the room began to straighten itself out again. "Zinthos." The well was destroyed in a flash of light that knocked everyone back against the walls.
Things fell from the skies. A large statue of a spider hit Bumblebee on the head in a fit of irony, while a bucket fell from the ceiling and onto Robin's head.
"I think I hate this room." Raven said.
"You hate every room," Terra answered.
"That is so true." Raven seemed please with this. "So, everyone in one piece?" Raven checked herself over quickly. "Yes."
"I am also all right!" Starfire announced.
"Did I say I cared?" Raven answered. "So, who is this guy, and who let him watch that martial arts marathon when he was in preschool?"
"If but we knew the answer. His name's Kitarou, though. He's kind of a petty thug with delusions of grandeur," Jinx said. "You know. Like all the villains we face. Only this guy considers himself a super skilled martial artist, and you know what they say about mind over matter."
"Matter beats mind," Terra laughed.
"Oh, look. Robin's all wet again."
"Who leaves a bucket just hanging from the ceiling anyway?" Robin screeched. He was not in a good mood, now that he was a she again. "Can we please find the antidote to this before too late?"
"Who leaves statues hanging from ceilings?" Bumblebee asked, disoriented.
"I am sorry, on both accounts!" Starfire said.
"It's okay, Star. Wow, I'm seeing double," Bumblebee said. "Maybe I should go to the medical room."
"No!" Robin squealed. "Medical room is bad. Very bad."
"I'll take her, don't worry. I don't let Tweedle Dum and Dumber here take over the medical room when I'm around."
"I am forever in your debt," Robin said. "Now, to finish this guy." She took a horse stance and waited for him to get up.
"Kick him when he's down! Do it!" Terra grinned evilly, "Kick him in the gonads!"
"Terra!" Starfire was shocked, "Such language!"
"Tee hee!" Terra stated. There was nothing innocent in her tone. Robin groaned. She did not need the peanut gallery right now.
"It's not honorable, Terra. I don't want to sink to this guy's level." She took a preemptive step, but Kitarou was off of his feet as soon as he got to them. His descent was followed with a swift kick to the head that Robin barely deflected.
With a right thrust, Robin had Kitarou on the defensive and continued to strike. Kitarou's blocking was slower than before, but Robin did not guess why. There was a strange look in Kitarou's eye.
"What? What are you looking at?" Robin realized he wasn't looking at his face, but… "You, you pervert!" She kicked high. He lodged himself into a small hole between shelves, looking not so comfortable.
"Wow, nice! You did a dead-on impression of Bumblebee!" Jinx said.
"Yeah! Yeah!"
"It was most accurate. Especially the girlish squeal," Starfire agreed.
"Yeah! Yeah!" Terra was very enthused, but Robin didn't know why.
"Geez, can we get this thing cured today, please? I don't think my equilibrium can handle it. My center of gravity just shifted again."
Act 3: Read from the right: Bakabakabakabakabaka
"You're an idiot, Robin," Raven said.
"I know you don't like me, but do you have to be so mean about it?"
"Yes," Raven responded. "So, hot water turns you back, that's at least a temporary fix. Stop whining."
"I'm not, but this is a weakness I don't need. If I can't keep my balance, I'm pretty useless."
"Big time Mr. Hero," Raven muttered. "Always have to be on top."
"I don't mind being on the bottom every now and then, just not when I can help it," There was a pause.
"What are you talking about?" Bumblebee said.
"Nothing!" Robin screeched. "Raven and I were discussing our ideas on team leadership, right Raven?"
"No. Fearless leader here is cursed –"
"—With a bad cough," Robin finished for her. Bumblebee rubbed her head. "Are you okay, you took a big hit there."
"I just konked my head. I'm more worried about you now. Your voice sounded funny a little while ago. And what does hot water have to do with a cough? And back to what?"
"You heard all that?"
"It's bad to sleep after a hit to the head," Raven answered. "So she heard most of what we were talking about. You're in the medical room, remember?"
"Drat," Robin said.
"But I suppose I can't tell you what's going on, Bumblebee. The supreme idiot here doesn't want to talk to you about his current… sexual problems."
"Great! Now you're acting like it's something seriously wrong with me."
"Your hormonal imbalance is a problem for your balance, you said so yourself!"
"Maybe, but I don't think Bumblebee wants to hear about it. And you make it sound like I need ED medication!"
"I would say you have the ultimate problem there."
Bumblebee had enough, "Stop it! I don't think I even want to know. I'm feeling better now, Raven. I'm going to see what's on the TV and then get some food."
"Whatever."
"Robin, if you feel like talking about it…"
"Thanks Bee."
Raven shot him a look when she left the room. "I see how it is."
"What?"
"Don't you dare try and steal her honor," Raven said, crossing her arms. "Bumblebee and I are the only sane members of this team and I don't want to have her going as nuts as the rest of the team."
"The team isn't nuts. Terra's just hyperactive, I have a friend kind of like her. Jinx is a bit lazy, but she comes through in a pinch. And Star's nice."
"I'm sure you think so, but don't think I'm a member of your personal little harem."
Robin nearly had an aneurysm. "Is that what you think is going on? No! I'm serious. My friend said that you needed a team leader and I came along thinking it would be good to get some experience leading. She just neglected to mention the all-girl part. If it weren't for Chu Hui, I would have gone nuts a long time ago."
"Chu Hui?"
"She's the nice old Chinese lady."
"Hmm, Chinese you say? Would you say natively from Jump City?"
"What? No. She has a thick accent. Why?"
"We're going to visit her."
"Oh, goodie."
"I don't know why I agreed to this," Jinx said. "You know my situation, so stop trying to get me into major trouble."
"I know also that there are concerns that you are too deep," Kitarou said. "However, I did not come here to ask about your situation. There are accords, by the HIVE and the Superhero Union that allow for civil discussion, there will be no problems."
"Fine. What is it."
"Who is that vision of beauty!"
"What?"
"The ceiling borne masked girl," Kitarou continued. "The one with the radiant fire of youth, the bright pink hair that screams her innocence and yet a fierce stare that shows her passion. She is like a haiku."
"Oh god."
"Like summer and wind
She appears before me bare
Without –"
"Shut up!" Jinx sighed. "You mean… oh! You mean her." She had a sly smile. "Well, Kitarou, there's only so much I can say. The identity's secret, but I can tell you her name is…" she thought up some birds. "Cardinal."
"Cardinal? A lovely name. I can see spring in her eyes!"
"How? She wears a mask!" Jinx wanted to scream. She retained her composure. "But I can, for a price, get you some… pictures."
"I must have them!" A lot of money suddenly appeared on the table. "Show them to me." Jinx smiled.
"Here," she said. The pictures she had of this female Robin were only few and far between, but she was sure she could get more. "Very impressive, isn't she?"
"Her stances are perfect. She has mastered the arts, hasn't she?"
"I guess so," Jinx smiled. "Say, I can get more pictures, but I'd need a forward for them. How much do you want them, Kitarou. Make me happy."
"Jinx, you are a shrewish sort. Miyamoto Musashi does not need material wealth for happiness, and neither do I. I will give you as much as you ask." He paused, "Within reason. Pictures are not ancient scrolls of the Shinto Monks."
"Fine, fine. How about twenty bucks down for a set of five pictures and I'll take another twenty when I deliver them. Good?"
"It is agreeable. However, though I come unarmed, know that Musashi broke an oar to break Kojiro. Do not betray me, Jinx."
"Whatever. Who is this Musashi guy anyway? Didn't he create Super Mario?"
Beast Boy was testifying again.
"So, Robin's been acting funny recently. I was worried, so Cyborg and I followed him that day. I didn't actually see her since early that day at Cram School. She gave out lunches at the building, so I started putting the ole Beast Boy charm on her."
"Objection. Beast Boy doesn't have any charm."
"Sustained."
"Thanks a lot, Cy. Okay, so I asked for her number a couple weeks ago and she thought I was kind of cute. That better?"
"Much," Control Freak said.
"You know, you look really familiar. Weren't you on TV for something?"
"Please, just testify," the judge said, tiredly.
"I talked to her a bit, but she said she was busy anyway. I didn't see her again, until I heard what happened."
"I see, that's much more informative than your first testimony. The Defense may not begin its cross-examination."
"Hooray." Cyborg did not look forward to this.
--------------
CROSS EXAMINATION
Cyborg pushed a bit more on the Cram School, first. "So, what did you do there?"
"I was supposed to study, but I was more interested in trying to get her to go on a date with me, a real date-date. I guess that's why I was the first guy they asked about this. But…"
"Objection!" Control Freak said, "The defendant is speculating."
"Beast Boy," Cyborg said, "Just stick to what happened, okay?"
"Sure, Cy. Anyway, I wasn't seeing the victim, just… interested in trying to."
"Hm, I see." He decided to push it a bit further. "Did you know if she was currently seeing anyone?"
"Objection! Relevence. She was not seeing anyone at the time, according to her family and friends."
"Your Honor, Beast Boy isn't exactly of the normal clique, maybe he heard something from her."
"Uh, actually, I got the feeling she was. But that's kind of speculative."
"Please, go on," the judge said.
"She mentioned someone that was pestering her. I thought it was me, but she said it wasn't when I asked. I'm not some sort of creep!"
Control Freak looked very, very surprised at this. "Someone? She said that?"
"Yeah, she did."
"This is important. The witness will testify on this conversation."
"Okay, okay. Keep your beard on!"
Robin didn't get out the door before a bucket of water splashed him with cold water. She was now very irritated by the culprit, a very happy looking Jinx. "Smile!" she said. And there was a click and a flash.
"What are you doing?" Raven asked.
"I'm working on very important research. Of the highest importance."
"Well, do it elsewhere." She grabbed a kettle from the kitchen and poured its contents on Robin. "There, let's go."
"So! Hot!"
"Stop your belly-aching." She sighed, "So, what is she up to now?"
"What do you mean, now? I thought she was always a little bit mischievous. She and Terra always have some kind of scheme for making quick cash or causing me embarrassment or pain."
"There's more to Jinx than that. Her bad luck powers are only the beginning of what's bad about her. Flamebird let her join, but I don't think she's really any good."
"Why not?"
"She used to be part of the HIVE?"
"The HIVE? You mean the regulatory committee for supervillain ethics and behavior?" Raven nodded. "But that would mean she was –"
"A supervillain. Very good, you get the cookie."
"So, she switched sides?"
"That's what she says."
"You don't believe her."
"You must be a detective," Raven moaned. "Look, I don't really like how she makes spare cash by selling pictures of us to fans and some of the weirder villains."
"That's not technically illegal, unless –"
"Not that kind of picture!" She frowned, "What a pervert."
"That is a nasty curse, young man," Chu Hui observed the change in body with her own two eyes, and besides blaming it at first on cataracts, she was mostly down-to-earth about it. "Been traveling China, have you?"
"Not since I started High School," Robin admitted.
"So, this girl thinks I may know something about the curse, does she?" Chu Hui observed her, and poked her with her walking stick. "Needs more sun, she does."
"I don't judge you while I poke you with sticks, do I?" Raven said tiredly, "No."
"Well, she is, by some degree of fortune, right. I do know of this curse. There are ancient training grounds in China that a sect of monks cursed. Anyone who drowns in those pools will forever curse them. And time and tide, being what they are, the curse becomes less precise over time."
"Explaining Girly-Boy," Raven said.
"Hey!"
"Exactly."
"Hey! You too?" Robin sighed. "I just want to get this thing resolved before Jinx takes anymore pictures of me. Who knows who she's selling them to."
"From what you have described, I am sure the waters are labeled in their native dialect, find the vial with the name I have written down and you should be all right."
The name was written summarily down in her best calligraphy.
"I can't tell this from anything!" Robin complained.
"You will be able to tell if it has worked. If not, just try again, eventually you will find the right one. I just hope I have narrowed it down just a little. Jusenkyo is not a type of curse one can hope to cure so quickly. One can draw out such a curse over many, many years and many redundant incidents can torment the cursed individual. Incidentally, you are not afraid of cats, are you?"
"No! Why?"
"No reason, boy. No reason."
Bumblebee sat up. "Robin's been acting weird."
"He's been a real girl recently, I'm sure he just needs time to sort out his pieces and he'll be better," Terra said, nonchalantly. "I know I'd be crazy find out I was manly."
"Terra, do you know more than you're telling me?"
"Maybe?" Terra responded.
Bumblebee sighed. "I'm too rough on him, right? That's why his backbone is made of jelly, I guess."
"Nah, I think Team Leader likes it rough," Terra grinned. "But that's not what's wrong at all. I mean, it's probably Jinx's fault."
"She cursed him?"
"No! Well, I guess technically. Well, remember those vials Kitarou was after?"
Raven took this time to enter the building, "I'm going to borrow some of the vials, okay?"
"Sure, Raven." Bumblebee thought, "The cursed spring water? What about it? We've got it tightly under key."
"Well, we did after we discussed it for a bit. And Jinx and I played around with Robby, and I guess somehow some of it got on him."
"Oh no. He's turned into a duck, isn't he?"
"A duck? What?"
"Thanks, I found them. I'll be back in a bit."
"Sure, Raven," Terra said. "But really? A duck? Why'd you think it's a duck? I'm sure a lot more could pop into your head right away, but a duck?"
"Well, I've been seeing this duck around recently, and I just assumed –"
"No! Robin's turning into a girl a lot! Nothing near as bad."
"Oh, right. That would explain the sexual confusion – a girl! This is perfect! We won't have to worry about a boy leading our team."
"Well, you better go stop Raven then. I think she's working on getting him back to normal. And I thought you liked him."
"I, I do, I guess. But not like that! Oh no! Not at all!"
"I can tell you're lying!"
"Shut up!" Bumblebee crossed her arms angrily. "So, let's go stop Raven from uncursing Robin."
"Okay, this is it," Robin announced happily. "It matches the script perfectly. And after that incident with the Spring of the Drowned Whale, I think it's best to be safe and keep that Drowned Girl one over there so I don't, you know, almost die again."
"Sorry. It was smudged."
They opened the vial. However, nothing can ever be that simple. "Put down that vial." Bumblebee was holding her buzzers. "These are set to stun, but they still hurt like your butt after I kick it."
"Uh?" Robin paused. He looked at Raven, who rolled her eyes.
"Why?"
"I thought you'd be all for a girl leader for our team, Raven."
"Meh, I was bored. Besides, I have the right vial right here, he was just going to get himself wet anyway." A vial was revealed from beneath her cape.
"What?" Robin was not happy to hear this. "Bee, I don't want to be a girl. It makes me feel weird and my center of balance is off and I can't think straight."
He heard the click and whirr of the stingers.
"I wasn't going to say anything sexist!" Robin yelped. "Come on, please?"
Bee looked at Robin, then at Raven. "Give him the vial."
"Aww, I'm going to miss Girl Robin!" Terra whined.
"No."
"What was that?" Robin asked.
"You said what now?"
"I said no. I think he should suffer." Raven vanished into the ground. Bee rushed over to where she was.
"How'd she do that?" Robin asked.
"She never said how she did what she did, just that she can," Bee admitted. "Okay, where could she have gone. Terra, get Starfire and Jinx, we need to get that vial back."
"Thank you!"
"And don't think you're getting this for free."
"Super."
Robin was not having a good day of this. Just when they had found Raven, things had gotten worse. For one thing, he was now a girl. For another thing, Jinx had taken the vial and gone running with it, snapping pictures the whole while.
Raven looked to Robin who looked to Bumblebee who looked to Terra, who looked to Robin who looked to Starfire.
"Get her!"
The chase led through the kitchen. Jinx tip-toed across the counter top, throwing a cutting board at Robin.
She caught it and threw it aside. Raven meanwhile appeared in front of Jinx, blocking her path. "I'll take that."
"Nuh-uh!" Jinx said. She pulled Raven's cowl over her eyes. "Ta ta!"
"This isn't going good," Bee muttered.
"Bee, lead her to the elevator. Starfire, go downstairs and I'll cut her off if she goes upstairs," Robin said.
They broke and went to their task. Bee chased her, stinging her feet, while Starfire flew out the window and through the front door. Robin, meanwhile, was waiting for her by the elevator.
Jinx ducked into the elevator, and pressed the up button.
"You know," she muttered, "This wasn't the best idea." She tapped her foot as it slowly climbed to the roof.
Robin meanwhile ran up the stairway to the same destination. They arrived on the roof at the same time. "Okay Jinx, just give me the vial."
"No! I'm making good money off of you. Plus you look cute, you should go into modeling and make a mint."
"I don't want to be a girl, Jinx. Just stop it."
"Give me two more pictures and I'll let you." Robin groaned and agreed. "Okay, play the camera. Oh, behave!"
"I'm not doing anything," Robin said.
"Well, then, do something. I need to make these worth forty bucks." She took a shot at Robin's incredulous expression. "So cruel. Now, pout!" Robin groaned. "Beautiful. Okay, I'm done. Here you go."
Crack.
"Did you hear something?"
More cracking sounds could be heard along with an annoyed grunt. The two of them went to the direction of the sound, but as they were looking down, darkness engulfed the vial and it lifted out of Jinx's hand. "Hey!" She turned around to see who had done that, when a kick to her back knocked her to the edge of the roof.
Raven pocketed the vial, and looked at what had hit Jinx.
Robin was distracted with something else. The individual who had done that had taken her hand and began to wax poetically, poorly, in haiku.
"Kitarou," Raven surmised. "What are you doing?"
"Ah, another distraction. I am speaking to the ceiling-borne kettle girl, and I do not need buzzing in my ears."
"The what now?" Robin asked.
"Begone," he clenched his fists together, "Shinkuu Toraken!"
"What did I say about calling out what you're going to do?" Raven said, swatting it aside. The next attack came immediately afterwards. A flying kick.
"Ryuujin Kyaku!" he said, after it had clearly connected, sending Raven flying. The vial flew out of her cloak and into Kitarou's hand. "A vial of manhood, fascinating. However, it is not the Spring of the Drowned Monk, and as such, I have no such use for it." He tossed it aside. "Now, my fair maiden…"
"You just attacked my friends! Why are you hitting on me?"
"Because you are the paragon of strength, of the Nadesico Michi. I must have you for my own!"
"Okay, you're just creeping me out. For one thing, I'm a guy!"
"Nobody's perfect," he answered.
"Okay, that's it." Robin kicked up to Kitarou's face. The man was stunned, and as he tried to move, he found himself collapsing. Robin brushed her hands off and looked for the vial. He found it clinging to the edge. Alongside it, were two sets of hands. "Jinx! Raven!" He grabbed Jinx's hand and helped her up."
"Aw man, you knocked out my patron. And wow, did you do a number on him!"
"Raven, take my hand!"
"No."
"You're going to fall."
"I don't care. I won't accept your help."
"Oh for the love of – stop that Raven. I'm sorry I'm not what you expected but I've got to do my job and make sure you're all safe, because this is my team, and I'm the leader!" She seemed to hesitate and then took his hand. He pulled her up and then went for the vial.
It began to tip and fall.
"Oh no!" Jinx said, running for it.
"I've got it!" Robin said, grabbing it. Only it was too late, and Robin and Jinx both went crashing down into the lake below.
Down by the lake, Starfire, Bee, and Terra were all watching. The big splash was the first sign, the second was a very loud curse from Jinx.
The two of them swam around, and then noticed their wallets floating about. "Oh no!" They grabbed at them quickly, and pocketed them before anyone noticed. "That was a bad fall," Robin said.
"Very," Jinx muttered. "My ears are popping."
"Jinx! Robin!" Terra was flying overhead with two rocks flattened off for them. "I'm here to rescue you!"
"Couldn't you have caught us?"
"No," Terra said. "Now, are you going to take the ride or are you swimming the five meters back?"
"I'll take the ride," Jinx said.
"I hope Raven's all right. She's still on the roof with the knocked out bad guy. And when I get in I'm uncursing myself and no one better stop me."
"Aye aye, boss," Terra said.
"So, Robin's back to normal," Raven said.
"That's right. I feel really bad for trying to keep him like that, though," Bee said. "He's not so bad when you get to know him."
Raven nodded in a non-committal manner. "I guess we should be thankful he's actually a good leader."
"And very good at surviving large falls. I hope Jinx is okay. She landed pretty hard."
"I don't trust her."
Robin sat in his room beneath them, at this time, looking at his wallet. He opened it up and his eyes widened.
"I know you do," Bee said. "But she's been a good teammate since she joined. And she seems to like Robin enough."
Jinx looked at her wallet, checked to make sure her ID card was still in place.
"For now," Raven admitted, "But somehow I don't know how far we can trust her."
Robin looked up at the ceiling. "Raven was right…"
The Good Ship Lollipop may be heading to the candy shop, but no such luck for the intrepid team. Somehow, they are stranded in space with a limited amount of air and an unlikely amount of difficulty. Also, what is it that Robin knows about Jinx that the others don't!
Furthermore, how are they going to explain why they're stranded in space in one episode without relying on clichés or explosive decompression? All this and the unlikely continuation of Cyborg: Ace Attorney – next time! It's a fantastic SPACE ODDITY