Darkwing Duck: And Now For Something Completely Different!
Prince of Thieves

a/n - this is one of the odder forays I've made into the DWverse. It's a Webfoot story but don't hold fast to the characterizations from before. I had a lot of fun with this, though it's somewhat old so the writing is a bit unpolished... Well anyway, it's lengthy so enjoy!

Act I

A long time ago, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a young king and queen - Herb and Binkie respectively. They were happy enough as rulers of Santa Canardia, but they wanted a child. Feeling that they lacked the experience necessary to raise a child from birth, they decided to get the hang of the whole parenting thing and help a good cause at the same time by adopting an orphan over the age of three.

On the happy day, King Herb celebrated with his friend, the King of the neighboring kingdom of Duckbergia. The four-year-old girl Herb and his wife had adopted was in the nursery with her new mother and the Queen of Duckbergia. Herb, pleased with the smooth progression of the day's events, smiled broadly and raised his mug of root beer in a toast. "To my daughter... May she always be happy!"

"Here, here!" After taking a long swig of root beer, the King of Duckbergia wiped his mouth and gave a contented sigh. "Well, Herb, she's a beautiful little lady."

"That's King Herb," said the monarch. Herb was very proud of his kingship, and refused to let people forget it. He was not exactly egotistical, however. In fact, he was a very nice man, just not too bright. "And yes," he agreed with his fellow ruler, "she is beautiful." Pensive, Herb thought of traditions to uphold now that he had a child. "You have a son," he said to his friend. "Howzabout our kids get hitched?"

"Sure," said the King of Duckbergia. His son was about six, and had refused to attend the Royal Adoption Ceremony and subsequent reception that day. "Sorry the boy wasn't here today... He doesn't like girls very much right now. Got something about cooties y'know."

"Right," said Herb. "I was a boy once too. So, it's settled, they're arranged to be married! How wonderful!"

The two kings laughed with each other for a few lengthy moments, both in excellent humors. "Say, your Majesty," said Herb modestly, "could you pass me the cheese curls?"

The laughter stopped suddenly. "Uh...," said the King of Duckbergia. He looked about guiltily as he tried to wipe the bright orange cheese dust from his fingers and around his mouth.

King Herb noticed the cheese dust, as well as the empty bowl that was sitting next to his friend. It took him a moment or two to piece together the scene before him, but suddenly- with an almost audible "click" sound- he understood. Anger, a rare emotion for him, rose in him rapidly. He loved his cheese curls, and for them to have all been eaten without permission was a capital offense... Or at least, it would be from now on, he resolved. "You have really done it this time!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "Just for this, my daughter will never marry your son! In fact, now that I'm thinkin' about it, she should never have to put up with this sort of thing from men at all! From this day forward, I vow that my daughter'll never marry!"

"Laying it on kind of thick, aren't you?" said the King of Duckbergia. Herb had never been one to think his decisions through very well, but he'd never quite gone this far before. Then again, none of the disagreements between them had ever involved food before.

"Oh, I'm not done with you yet, Spud," said Herb. The King of Duckbergia gulped as he realized that his old friend was really mad this time.

"Do you want a cookie, dear?" Queen Binkie asked her new daughter. The Princess nodded her head.

"Oh, isn't she darling?" exclaimed the Queen of Duckbergia. Binkie was quick to agree.

A sudden commotion began in the next room, and without warning, both kings burst into the nursery. "Out! GO!!" cried King Herb fiercely. "And if you or anyone in your family shows their face here again, I'll have them thrown in the dungeon!"

"Herb! What happened?" exclaimed a puzzled Binkie as the Royal Couple of Duckbergia bustled their way out of the castle. Sternly, she asked, "Did you lose your temper over jelly beans again?"

Herb, who was now pouting, muttered, "It was over cheese curls." He noticed his daughter, staring at him rather fearfully. All traces of anger left his face as he picked her up. "Don't worry, sweetie. You'll never have to worry about anyone eatin' alla your cheese curls!" The duckling didn't know what he meant, but she was happy that he was smiling at her, so she smiled back. "That's our little Elizabeth!" said Herb. He and Binkie took turns cooing over her the rest of the evening.

Years later, Princess Elizabeth had grown into womanhood. She had eventually gained two younger brothers, Honker and Tank, both of whom were actually born to her parents. It had taken her a few years to adjust to sharing her parents, but after a while she had grown tired of the constant attention, and had let her brothers take the focus of the Royal couple's doting. Lately Elizabeth had been wanting something more from her life, not just the same old thing. Being a princess seemed to consist mostly of sitting at home in the palace and looking sophisticated all day long. She was brilliant, had taken lessons on everything available, and what did that get her? At first she'd taken all those lessons to fill the void in her life, but it seemed to have worsened the situation. After all, why bother learning to swordfight, or square dance, or even tend pigs, when she would never have an opportunity to use any of these skills while she was essentially trapped inside the castle?

One day, Elizabeth woke up with a decision in her head. She discussed it with her friend, Gosalyn Waddlemeyer, before anyone else. Gosalyn was much younger than she was, only nine years old. They had met a couple of months ago when Elizabeth had snuck out of the castle to see what it was like- an idea she'd gotten from about ten different fairy tale books. It just seemed to be the Princess thing to do- and they had hit it off immediately. Gosalyn was an orphan and didn't have any real home, so Elizabeth had introduced the girl to her parents, and they had given her a permanent room in the castle. Elizabeth liked Gosalyn, because she had a great sense of humor and lots of spirit, and she made things interesting. She wasn't sure why Gosalyn liked her; probably because she was, after all, royalty. "Do you think it's the right thing to do, Gosalyn?" she asked her friend.

"I dunno, but go for it anyway! You can't just sit around at home for the rest of your life, or your head will burst. It's true!" she said when Elizabeth started laughing. "It's a scientifically proven fact!"

"Anything that scientists 'prove' these days is definitely debatable," said Elizabeth, still chuckling.

"Lady Elizabeth?" said a young guard as he entered the room.

Elizabeth stood up. "Mike!" Aside from Gosalyn, Mike was her only friend. He winked at her. In public, they were generally formal, but when alone together they were quite casual.

"The king and queen will see you now," he said.

"Thank you," she replied, and adopted her "Princess attitude"- improving her posture to the point where a lamppost would be envious. "Can you imagine," she said softly to Gosalyn as she walked regally towards the throne room, "having to set up an appointment to see my own parents. I might as well be one of those common moochers who comes here and asks for money for my scammy 'cause'."

"No, I can't imagine," said Gosalyn, a little heavily. Elizabeth winced; Gosalyn was still a little sensitive that she had no parents. What made it worse was that Elizabeth had been adopted herself, and her good fortune was sometimes a painful if inadvertant reminder of Gos's own situation.

"Sorry," mumbled Elizabeth inanely. She reached the heavy iron doors to the throne room, and had to lean on them to open them. "Your Majesties," she greeted her parents, kneeling as she approached. Next to her, Gosalyn bowed as well. "Gos! You're not allowed in here! Wait outside!" hissed Elizabeth through the corner of her mouth.

"Get crucial, Beth! You know you need me for moral support!" retorted Gosalyn. Elizabeth didn't answer, just faced her down with her best long, slightly haughty look. "Fine," she said as she left in a huff. She was so intent on making an impressive exit that she managed to make the doors swing open and closed several times after her. Elizabeth couldn't help wondering how she had made them do that.

"Good morning, daughter," said Herb regally. "You may rise." Elizabeth arose as formally as she had entered.

"I'm afraid I may have some shocking news, sire," said Princess Elizabeth, the epitome of respect. "The time has come for me to tell you the truth..." She paused, and cleared her throat. The king and queen looked at each other nervously, and then leaned forward. After a significant dramatic pause, Elizabeth continued: "I'm not your real daughter. I was adopted."

The King and Queen were both shocked, as Elizabeth had known they would be. They were fair rulers, but at times they were disturbingly scatterbrained; while she had grown up knowing full well that she had been adopted, several years ago she had realized that they had no memory whatsoever of this occurrence. Apparently neither had deemed it important enough to remember. "Well, it does explain why we don't have any baby pictures of you," said Binkie slowly.

"If I may be so bold, Mother, pictures are an anachronism anyway," said Elizabeth.

Her parents, who were confused enough already, barely managed, "What?"

"Well, you see, photographs haven't been invented yet... Oh, never mind. Anyway, I know that news came as a shock to you. But what I need to tell you is that, well, I've reached a point in my life where I'm no longer satisfied with what I have here. I need to go out and find myself, and see what the world holds! I know there must be more to life than just sitting around the castle learning archery and needlepoint and fencing and painting and martial arts rhythmic gymnastics! I mean, it's all well and good, but I have to have a little variety!"

Binkie looked at her husband. "Should we bring in a teacher who can tell her what adventure is like, dear?"

"An excellent idea, Binkums!" Herb clapped his hands, signaling a young duck standing in the corner. "Page boy! Find a teacher who can come in immediately and teach the Princess about adventure!" The page boy started to leave.

Elizabeth gritted her teeth. "No! Father, that's not what I'm saying! I'm not looking for more lessons, I want to leave! I have to set out and travel the land...There's something out there for me, and I'm going to find it, no matter what it takes! Do you understand?" she said.

Her parents looked at one another again, and came to a mutual agreement. "All right, daughter... Or, ah, non-daughter... Girl of no relation to me. You may leave the castle and find what you need to find," said King Herb.

Elizabeth's face lit up. "Oh! Thank you, Father! Thank you, Mother!" She remembered to bow formally to each before running to hug them exuberantly.

King Herb held his arms out to her, and then seemed to be distracted by his right hand. Elizabeth sighed and stopped, knowing what was coming. Herb stared at a small red piece of thread that was tied to his finger, and then his face lit up in recognition. "Oh, yeah!" he said happily, pleased at remembering this important piece of information. "Just don't go gettin' married."

This ridiculous order never ceased to grate on Elizabeth's nerves- not because she had any desire to be wed, but because she wasn't the least bit pleased over being told what to do. "You know I won't, Father," she said, a little tensely. Her father held his arms out to her again, and she obediently went to him and gave him a hug and a kiss.

She had just done the same for her mother when Mike entered, dragging Gosalyn by her shirt collar. "Sire, this rugrat was eavesdropping," he said.

"So were you!!" Gosalyn shot back angrily. "Lemme go!" As soon as he set her on the ground, she spun around and attacked his left shin. "There are easier ways to get in here, y'know," she said to him. Elizabeth sighed and covered her eyes with her hand.

Mike, despite his obvious pain, blushed lightly. "I-If it please your Majesties... I think it may befit the Princess if she had an escort of some kind?" At this Elizabeth's eyes went wide, and she blushed too.

The King considered it momentarily. "An excellent idea!" he announced. Mike beamed, and Elizabeth simply stood, speechless. The King pointed at Gosalyn. "You!" Mike's face fell.

"Me?" asked Gosalyn.

"Elizabeth, to be sure that you are responsible and live up to our expectations, you shall be responsible for this girl," said Herb. "Whatever her name is."

"Gosalyn! Gosalyn Waddlemeyer!" cried Gosalyn, mildly offended that the King still couldn't remember her name. She mumbled, "Geez, I've only been in here like a hundred times..."

Elizabeth found her voice first. "But-- but Your Majesty, this is a quest to find myself! How can I find myself if I'm watching a nine-year-old?"

"Right!" said Mike. "Don't you think maybe she needs someone more like a... a bodyguard?"

Herb smiled graciously. "I have spoken." Both the Princess and Mike looked shaken. Gosalyn, on the other hand, looked extremely excited.

Elizabeth glared at Mike, obviously resenting his implication of her weakness. "I do not need a bodyguard," she said, and stormed out of the room. Mike and Gosalyn followed her closely. "I don't believe this," she muttered to herself on the way out. "There is just no arguing with him..." She had to shove herself into the doors in order to get them open.

Mike shrugged; this decision made about as much sense as anything else the King decreed. It was a bummer, though. "It wasn't what I meant to have happen, you know," he said slowly.

Elizabeth, still fired up over the "bodyguard" comment, whirled on him. "Then what did you mean?"

"I..." he paused. "I just thought that it would be lonely here without you."

She stopped, and slowly smiled. "I'll come back, you know. And when I do, you'll be the head guard here, like you always dreamed." They laughed, and shared a smile.

"Hey!" said Gosalyn. "I'm still here, you know."

Mike gave the girl a look, briefly, and then turned back to the Princess. "I'd better get back to my post. Have a good time, Elizabeth."

"I'll miss you, Mike," she said quietly as he walked off. "Maybe this was a bad idea after all," she muttered.

"Oh, don't worry," said Gosalyn cheerfully, "we'll have lots of fun! We'll bond!"

"Just what I always wanted," said Elizabeth. She didn't sound too enthusiastic.

Santa Canardia was home to a pub of notorious fame; described by the larger part of the population as "a wretched hive of scum and villainy", Mo's Place lay near the edge of the town and was frequented only by a small percentage of the villagers. The rest of the customers were often smugglers who were stopping in to get a drink, gamble, or on occasion, close a deal.

Eisley, which was directly across the street from Mo's Place, had no such reputation. As a result, it was much more popular with the villagers.

Eisley was run by a smart, level-headed duck named Terry. The majority of her savings had been invested in the pub, and it hadn't gone to waste; on most days, the pub was packed by midafternoon. Today was an exception, however, since most of the kingdom seemed to be busy outside, giving a huge send-off to Princess Elizabeth. Terry chose to skip the celebration, and stayed inside to tidy the pub up. As she polished the glasses, she reflected on how overdone the whole event was; wasn't it calling attention to the fact that the Princess was going to be alone, and vulnerable, in the countryside? But then again, these days it seemed that very few royal decrees made much sense. Besides, they wouldn't listen to her if she were to speak up, so there was very little point in her trying. Instead, she stayed inside the pub, waiting for someone interesting to come in. That was the thing about Eisley- there was always someone interesting coming in.

As if on cue, the door opened, and one of her oldest friends entered. "Drake!" she called, using his secret name in order to not call attention to him. "And Bo!" She was extremely pleased to see that the panda had come along; each time she spoke with him, she liked him more. He smiled and waved at her. Drake, cloaked in a long hood and robe, glanced around furtively, and then said, "Is anyone else in here?"

She gave him a bemused smile. "No. They'll be in soon, I think. The Modal Nodes are playing tonight, and they usually bring in the crowds. I'd give this parade thing another good hour, though."

Drake relaxed somewhat, and lowered his hood. "The usual, Terry," he said, and gave her a worn-out smile.

"You too, Bo?" she asked.

"Sure! Thanks." Terry mixed up the usual orders- coffee, very strong for Drake and with a chocolate flavor to Bo's- and then leaned down on the counter of the bar to talk.

Drake looked pensive, as he always did when he was considering something. "What's going on out there, anyway?"

"They're giving the Princess a going-away party. From what I saw of her, she didn't look too happy about it, but apparently she's setting out on her own. I guess the Royal parents wouldn't let her get away with any less."

Bo scratched his head, just behind his ear. "It looks like the whole Royal Guard is out there."

Terry sniffed. "Oh, I don't know, it's probably more like about half. I heard that Elizabeth isn't letting any guards or anything go with her, so--"

"Hm," Drake murmured, and looked even more pensive.

"Oh," said Terry. "Oh, I know that look. Darkwing, don't you even start-"

Drake looked up at her and gave her a wicked grin. "You know better than to call me that in public, Terry," he said.

"If you got caught-"

Drake stood up and pulled his hood back over his head. "I won't." His tone was completely confident, and Terry knew that he believed it completely.

Bo caught Terry's eye. Terry took advantage of the opportunity. "Talk some sense into him, Bo! This isn't just a coach or something, this is the castle!"

Bo smiled. "You've been trying to talk sense into him for years now, Terry, and it hasn't worked. What makes you think I'd have any more luck?" He took her hand and held it for a moment, still smiling softly, no trace of fear in his face. He was just like his boss. He loved his work, though less for the adventure and more for the end results- the helping, the giving to the poor. Yet he wouldn't refuse the looting or the danger when it was offered, either.

Terry gave up. She'd been through this too many times to know to try differently. "Be careful," she said to Bo, softly. "Both of you," she added.

"Dont worry," said Darkwing Duck, stepping back slightly and lifting his chin. "I'm the Prince of Thieves!" And with that, he left Eisley Pub. Each time he left, Terry was never sure he'd be back.