Darkwing Duck: Prince of Thieves
Act II
The two castle guards on duty in the East wing were bored. Almost everyone else got to go to this celebration for the Princess, and they were stuck guarding a wing of the castle that no one was even in. They couldn't even talk to each other, because to speak while on duty was against the rules of the Royal Palace Guardsmen Association. However, to busy oneself with small games was not explicitly stated as against the rules, and so one was ensconsed in a crossword puzzle while the other tried to perfect his yoyo tricks.
Neither noticed a dull "thud" from behind them; neither paid any notice to the hissing sound that began to softly permeate the hall, since both were so secure in the knowledge that no one would bother coming into this wing of the castle during this kind of celebration.
The guard with the yoyo looked up and sniffed the air, then eyed his companion warily. He contemplated mentioning the smell, but before he could really get around to breaking the rules outright, his vision began to blur. He vaguely saw the other guard stagger and drop the crossword puzzle; and then he himself lost consciousness and fell to the ground.
For several moments, there was no movement, as the knockout gas dispersed through the window. Then a pair of hands crept over the window sill, and a head rose to follow. After determining that the coast was indeed clear, Darkwing Duck pulled himself up to the window completely and climbed in. "Come on up, Bo," he hissed.
"Roger," replied another whisper, and the panda climbed in after Darkwing.
Darkwing looked around. "Okay, Avi staked out the plans of this wing of the castle pretty thoroughly. You know where to hit, right?" Bo nodded quickly. "Great. Meet me back here at 1400, right?"
"Right."
The two thieves split up. Darkwing was amazed at how little security was left in this part of the castle, and suddenly remembered why. This wing was where the Princess lived, and with her being seen off, there was no need to guard the area very heavily. This couldn't have worked better if he'd planned it this way. Hm... Actually, it made more sense to think that he had planned it- he must have unconsciously realized that security would be light here, and chosen this wing without thinking about it. Ah, what a genius he was- even when he wasn't thinking about it!
He found the Princess's room, and tried the doorknob. Locked. No big surprise. He reached into his cape and pulled out a long object, like a knife, and pushed it into the door crack. A bit of maneuvering did the trick and the door swung open. "The key to anywhere I want to go," he mumbled, replacing the tool in his cape pocket.
Mike left the ceremony early, in a funk. He'd realized midway through that this was just a pathetic excuse to have a party. And since he and Elizabeth didn't socialize in public, there was little point in having him around. He climbed the stairs to the east tower slowly, contemplating things. Now, he was loyal to the King, of course- deeply loyal. But despite believing that the King's rule was ultimate and correct, he really had to admit... the man was a moron! Er, sometimes. Did he really think that Elizabeth would survive on her own? Was he even going to be worried? Oh, it just felt worse and worse.
He remembered Elizabeth's fervent protest that she didn't need a bodyguard. Well... Okay, so in a sense, that was true. In a big sense. Mike had taught her to fight, at first. She was... well, good! She had a great advantage, too, in that no one would expect the prim and proper Princess to be able to kick the crud out of them. But she also had a major weakness: her tendency to drop her guard too quickly. That was how he beat her most of the time- by faking exhaustion and catching her off-guard. And no matter how many times he reminded her, "STAY ALERT"- she never seemed to remember. Despite everything- her mind, her upbringing, everything- Elizabeth was still so naive sometimes. Well... all the time.
Mike let out a heavy sigh as he walked down the hallway, and stopped short. The two guards that had been on duty were lying in an undignified heap on the floor. Mike became alert instantly, and suddenly was thankful that Elizabeth had left already so that she wouldn't be threatened by this. He considered checking the other areas in the tower to see if anyone was there; he dismissed it as taking too long. At this hour of the day, and while the Royal family was outside, whoever was here surely would be no more than a thief.
He braced himself and pressed against a wall, then slid along it slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. After a moment's pause, he headed for the Princess's room.
Darkwing sank into the corner of the Princess's room as he heard a footstep in the hallway outside. He palmed another gas pellet just in case, and waited.
Whoever was outside was good- moving very slowly, steadily. Most people wouldn't have heard him. Darkwing Duck wasn't most people, though. He'd trained himself to hear bugs moving, which got very tiresome while he was trying to sleep, but it sure came in handy at moments like this. From the steadiness of the footsteps, Darkwing was certain that it was only one person outside the room... However, there could be more within signaling distance. He liked these odds. Smiling faintly, he waited.
Mike held his breath. Someone was definitely in the Princess's room; the door was ajar. He had the most eerie feeling that the someone was waiting for him, too. How convenient that all the senior guards should be at the ceremony just now, he thought. He reconsidered going for help, but to reach anyone else would take time that he might not have. He decided to take the risk. Slowly, he put a hand to the hilt of his sword, took a deep breath, and settled himself.
Then he moved as quickly as he could, drawing his sword, flinging the door open the rest of the way, lunging out with his weapon, and catching air. A movement in the shadows revealed the intruder's presence. Mike yelled and thrust his sword out again, hitting perhaps the spot where the figure had been a moment ago, but no solid person.
"Too slow," said a voice behind him, and he whirled to see a duck standing before him. Nothing formidable, just a duck in a mask and a cape. The duck's hand moved, and something exploded on the ground, filling the room with a cloud of some kind. Probably the same kind of gas that had been used on Cavin and Shark. Mike covered his mouth with his collar, and stabbed the sword into the cloud that was spreading where the duck had been standing. He discovered too late that the duck had jumped and grabbed the canopy on the top of the Princess's bed. Mike narrowly avoided a kick to the head.
He had a solid fix on the intruder's position now, although the room was too dark for him to get a good look at his features. That didn't really matter, though. He planned a move for any direction that the duck might jump in, and prepared to lunge again, but then there was a pain on his head, something breaking, something that wasn't supposed to break, and it was him, and he fell...
"Well, that was anti-climactic," said Darkwing as the young duck guard slumped to the ground, surrounded by shards from a vase.
Bo shrugged and tossed away the remains of the vase. "Whatever works," he said, gathering up his prizes. Darkwing did the same.
"Next time, we hit the west tower, got me?" said Darkwing as they left for their camp.
In the background, fanfare swelled as the Princess finally departed from the kingdom of Santa Canardia.
Later that same day, Elizabeth and Gosalyn had ridden more than ten miles on horseback. "I gotta take a rest. My butt is killing me!" announced Gosalyn as they entered a clearing in the forest. She slid off the back of her horse. "What time is it, anyway?"
"Approximately... two hours until sunset," said Elizabeth, looking at the shadows around them. She slid off her horse as well. "We might as well camp here."
"Uh, why don't you just use a watch?" asked Gosalyn.
"Can't. That's an anachronism," Elizabeth replied, stretching her arms above her head. "Ah... that's better," she said to herself, as she lowered her arms after a really satisfying body stretch.
"Oh. Right," said Gosalyn, who had never even heard of such a thing as an anachronism. She decided not to take out her own watch so that Elizabeth wouldn't start to get crabby about weird stuff again. "Anyway, why do we have to camp? Why can't we just go to an inn or something? Or will that make Anna mad too?"
"What?" said Elizabeth, an edge of a laugh in her voice. "Who's Anna?"
"You know, the watch thing... You said it would tick Anna off or something."
"Anachronism?" repeated Elizabeth, the laugh in her voice very distinct now.
"Maybe," said Gosalyn hesitantly, realizing that the word didn't sound anything like "Anna-cross-ism," the word that she thought Elizabeth had used.
"Hee hee. You're cute," said Elizabeth, not bothering to explain what exactly anachronism meant. "Well, we're spending the night out here because I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I want out of life."
"You couldn't do that in a normal bed?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "You're the one who wanted to come along."
"Your father made me!" cried Gosalyn. "Aw, come on!" she yelled, not realizing that she was attracting some unwanted attention from a pair of mysterious eyes in the forest. Neither of the two young women realized that they were, at that moment, being spied on by an evil, evil person... A person with brains so frazzled he could barely process the information that he was witnessing... A person called Megavolt!
"Wow! It's the Prime Minister's daughter!" he called back to the other figures near him. A spark shot up from the big electrical plug he wore on his head. It was something he was proud to have come up with to help keep his electrical currents under control... And it was so darn fashionable, too.
"No kidding? Is she the one who juggles?" said another lunatic, coming over to look. He wore the costume of a court jester, although he wasn't one. "I love that kid! I saw her on 'Star Search'!"
"There is no Prime Minister here!" said a third horseduck. "Jeez, Quackerjack, sometimes I wonder who's nuttier, you or Megavolt!"
"No Prime Minister, huh?" said Megavolt, and pointed to Elizabeth. "Then who's that, Bushroot?"
"Hey! That's the king's daughter!" exclaimed Bushroot, and signaled to the Liquidator to come and look.
"How much would you expect to get paid for this Princess? Five thousand gold pieces? Ten thousand?" asked the Liquidator. "Act now and we could get the whole kingdom!"
"He's right!" said Megavolt. "Negaduck will love us!"
"Does this mean she doesn't juggle?" asked Quackerjack.
"Let's get her. But first, we'll send a message to Negaduck," said Bushroot. He gestured, and a large Venus Fly-Trap came to his side. "Okay, Spike, tell Negaduck that we've captured Princess Elizabeth, and..."
"Are you nuts? Negaduck can't understand your dumb plant!" said Quackerjack. "We'll have to send Mr. Banana Brain to tell him instead!" Megavolt, Bushroot, and the Liquidator groaned as Quackerjack pulled the doll from behind his back. "Tell Negaduck we're taking the Prime Minister's daughter hostage, Mr. Banana Brain, got it?" He then answered himself in the high-pitched voice he had designated for his "sidekick": "Easy as pie, Sly!"
"Quackerjack..." Bushroot attempted to interrupt him. Quackerjack gave no sign of hearing.
"All right! Go for it!" He set the doll down on the ground. It just lay there. Quackerjack looked irate. "This is no time for a nap!!!"
"Settle down, pal," said Megavolt. "We can always write Negaduck a message!"
"Of course! Perfect! We'll write him a message!" Bushroot agreed.
The Liquidator nodded. "I concur!" Quackerjack simply muttered something to himself about "lazybones", apparently tuning the others out.
Megavolt paused, evidently at a loss. "Um... Anyone got any paper?" The grins that the other two had been wearing disappeared, and they slumped disappointedly. Megavolt waited several moments before saying irritatedly, "I said, 'Anyone got any paper?' Geez, are you all deaf?"
"We heard you!" snapped Bushroot. "No, we don't have any!"
"Well, why didn't you just say so?" muttered Megavolt. "Guess we're stuck now..."
"Never say die! When times seem darkest, the Liquidator keeps going and going!" said the Liquidator proudly from behind them. He was holding up a large stone, and grinning at them. "Why not try rocks? They're fun, affordable, and they're a great flat surface!"
Bushroot and Megavolt looked at each other, and then at Quackerjack, who was trying to get Mr. Banana Brain to stand up. They looked at each other again, and shrugged. "Can't hurt," said Megavolt. "We'll write on a rock." He singed the message onto the stone's surface with his finger, and then handed it to Bushroot.
"Looks good," said Bushroot. He gave it to Spike. "There ya go, boy. You know what to do."
"Well, I don't think he's going to go," said Quackerjack disgustedly, pointing at Mr. Banana Brain. "So let's just go get the hostage!"
Gosalyn reached into her bag and pulled out a little package that had food in it. "Want some bacon?" she offered Elizabeth as she started chowing down.
"Oh, no, I don't eat pork."
"Are you a vegetarian?"
"No, I'm not a vegetarian, I just don't like... swine, that's all," said Elizabeth.
"Why not?"
"Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals."
Gosalyn grinned, and said teasingly, "Yeah, but bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good."
"Pork chops are an anachronism, dear. And you're not going to change my mind." Elizabeth was pretty set, and didn't even bother to look up from the needlepoint piece she was dutifully working on through force of habit.
"What the heck is an anachronism, anyway?!" Gosalyn burst out.
"Oh-- you don't know? I'm sorry, I should have guessed after the 'Anna-cross' thing," said Elizabeth, and started giggling gently to herself. Gosalyn glared at her, and she stopped. "Sorry. An anachronism is..." She searched for a term that a nine-year-old would understand. "Basically, it's something that doesn't belong in this time. It's usually not used in everyday speech, more like a fictional work or something."
"Then why do you keep saying it?" asked Gosalyn.
"Uh... you know, I'm not sure!" said Elizabeth, puzzled. She thought it over, then shrugged. "Oh, it probably doesn't matter."
"So, what do you think you're going to do now?" asked Gosalyn offhandedly.
"I don't know. I was thinking I might want to be a ninja!" replied Elizabeth, staring off into space, a far-off look in her eyes.
Gosalyn looked at her friend. Elizabeth was thin and, aside from fairly well-developed shoulder muscles from her fencing lessons, she had very little muscle tone. In fact, she looked very wholesome. "A ninja?" repeated Gosalyn. "Uh...no."
"Don't move!" cried out a man's voice with a strange edge to it. Elizabeth and Gosalyn looked up in shock to see four really weird-looking men on horseback approaching them. The horses themselves were... well, almost as strange as their riders. Two of them were normal, but one was made of metal, and the fourth of... water?
"Is the circus in town?" asked Elizabeth, utterly perplexed.
"Quiet, you!" said a duck wearing a fool's outfit. "You're our prisoners now!"
"Thanks for the information update," said Gosalyn sarcastically.
"Prisoners? Are you forcing us to go see the circus?" asked Elizabeth.
"They're not from the circus, Beth!" said Gosalyn.
"Oh."
"Darn right!" said the rider on the metal horse. He was a rat, wearing what looked to be a very strange hat. "I'm Megavolt, he's the Liquidator, he's Bushroot, and he's Quackerjack." With each name, he pointed to a different one of the strange men he was with. "We're the Fearsome Five!" The four suddenly grouped together and grinned widely.
"There are only four of you," said Elizabeth, counting on her fingers just to be sure.
No one in the group really seemed to know what to say to this. Megavolt looked at the other three, confused. He counted, too, under his breath.
"Well... so what?" asked Bushroot uncomfortably.
"So, technically, you're the Fearsome Four. Why do you call yourselves the Fearsome Five if there are only four of you?"
"Why do you need to know?" asked the one called Liquidator. His name was appropriate, as he seemed to be made up entirely out of water. His "horse", at a closer look, was an extension of his body.
"Why are we called that again?" asked Megavolt blankly.
"Uh-oh, someone needs to jump-start him again," sighed Bushroot, rolling his eyes. The Liquidator flicked a small drop of water onto Megavolt's head, and a loud "zap!" filled the air as he convulsed momentarily.
"Thanks, I needed that," he said after he'd regained what little there was of his mental cohesion.
"Enough talking, let's start play-time!" cried Quackerjack, and he leapt off of his horse towards Elizabeth.
"I don't think you know who I am," said Elizabeth forcefully. "I am Princess Elizabeth Muddlefoot, daughter of--"
"Great! That's what we thought!" said Quackerjack, and he tossed a sack over her head and tied it.
Instantly she realized that she'd made the same stupid mistake she always made back when she'd sparred with Mike: she'd let her guard down. She threw a punch out in front of her, and felt no small satisfaction when her fist connected solidly with something, and the person in front of her yelped in pain. But the satisfaction was short-lived, as her arms were then grabbed and tied behind her. She tried to wrench free of her captor's grip, but lost her balance easily and fell to her knees.
Still free, and grossly underestimated, Gosalyn took the opportunity to start kicking some serious shins. "Yeowch!" screamed Megavolt, and this was then echoed by Bushroot and Quackerjack. She had a slight problem, however, with the Liquidator. "Uh-oh," she said as her foot passed harmlessly through him. He solidified his fist and knocked her out.
Elizabeth was confused. Was Gosalyn all right or not? For a moment, she wished Mike were there, despite her confidence in not needing a bodyguard.
"You're not going anywhere, Five!" shouted a voice from some distance away. Or at least, it sounded like it was from a distance to Elizabeth. It may have been because of the sack. In any case, the voice was not from a member of the Fearsome Four, that was for certain.
All she heard for the next few moments was the sounds of a fight. She certainly hoped that the people who were yelling loudly for their mommies were the Fearsome Four- although who knew what harm these new people might intend? Elizabeth started to feel very stupid about being so useless. Hopefully, though, no one was watching her during this, in which case she might be able to escape. She started pulling at the bonds that were tying her arms back, but to very little effect.
After a while, the shouts died down and stopped. Elizabeth had lost track of who was winning, and she didn't know if it mattered anyway. All that mattered to her was getting away... and especially getting this ridiculous sack off her head. All of a sudden she was lifted onto someone's shoulders, and then slung over a horse. "Put me down, now, or you'll regret it!" she yelled, but got no answer.
"Don't forget the girl," instructed a voice. At least that meant that Gosalyn was probably okay... And that they were taking her with them. Still, this was not treatment that befit a princess. Angered, she kicked and yelled as much as possible, and made sure that the ride to wherever she was being taken was as unpleasant for the rider as it was for her.
Some time later, she was set down and the sack was taken off of her head. She was aware that she looked wretched, but figured that there were more important things to worry about. Looking around slowly, she saw that she was in some sort of tent. Gosalyn was lying next to her, still unconscious. She looked up and saw two men, apparently guards, standing in front of her. Neither one had been in the Fearsome Four (she just couldn't bring herself to use the numerically incorrect "Five")-- they both looked normal. But still, neither one looked especially friendly, and they both seemed content to merely sit and watch Elizabeth and Gosalyn be prisoners. Elizabeth was not used to such a treatment; after all, she was royalty. There was no way that she was going to stand for this... or sit for it, either.
One of the men was staring at her. She turned and glared at him, and he smiled at her and waved. "How's it hangin'?" he asked in a soft-toned voice that was mildly friendly, but totally lacking in intelligence. Elizabeth hoped that he was "the stupid one", and that they weren't both like this, or else she'd never be able to communicate with them. "I'm Ted. He's Harry."
Ignoring the introduction, she sighed and tried to target her word choice to her audience. "Are you good guys or bad guys?" she asked slowly. Apparently not simply enough, however, as an expression of confusion spread over Ted's face.
"Huh?" He scratched his head. His companion, Harry, offered no comment but simply watched with his arms crossed across his chest.
"Oh, for Heaven's sake. What are you?" persisted Elizabeth. "Thieves, murderers, scoundrels, heroes, what?"
"Um... Thieves?" managed Ted. He looked at his companion, who nodded slowly.
"Hmph. I should have known, in a rat's hole like this. I pray you," she said, with as much sarcasm as she could muster, "to be so kind as to bring your illustrious leader in here right now!" Somehow that hadn't sounded right. She had never been very good at sarcasm. Oh, well. After glancing at Gosalyn, she added worriedly, "And make sure that my friend is all right."
"Uh..." Ted looked uncertainly at Harry. Harry offered no council this time, just scratched his head softly and then crossed his arms again.
Harry blinked as he looked at the Princess calmly. She stared back at him, waiting, and grew more frustrated as the moments passed and he didn't do anything. She decided to count to ten before yelling again, and just as she had reached nine-and-a-half, he said, "Welp... Leader's out now." He extended each word in one of the most exaggerated drawls she had ever heard.
Elizabeth nearly exploded. "Well, get me someone!" she snapped.
Harry was again silent for an extended period of time, staring at the Princess with the same disinterested expression. "We kin get ya th' boss's right-hand man," he drawled after an eternity.
"Whatever! That's fine!" cried Elizabeth. Why on earth was this taking so long!? Didn't they know she was the Princess?? She shouldn't have to repeat herself once, let alone this many times!
Harry pulled the toothpick out of his mouth, looked at it, and tossed it onto the ground. Then he took his other hand out of his pocket and cracked his knuckles. Finally he turned to the other guard and drawled, "Y'think I oughta go fetch McQuack?"
"Uh... well, she seems like she'd get kinda upset if ya didn't...," said Ted slowly. He looked at the Princess, who was glaring at them intensely. She didn't look quite fearsome, but Ted somehow registered that she was displeased. "Yeah, for her sake, you should. I think her head's gonna blow up soon, or something."
"BLOW UP?!" shouted Elizabeth.
Ted looked alarmed. "See, I think it's starting! Go, quick!" Harry sighed, put his hands in his pockets, pulled out a new toothpick, put it in his mouth, put his hands in his pockets again, and set off.
"McQuack oughta be here any time," said Ted, and scratched his head again.
"McQuack, hm? I suppose that's the only name he's known by? Typical name for a thief. Gritty, mysterious-"
"Um. Actually, that's just his last name. His first name is Launchpad."
"Oh. Of course," said Elizabeth, trying not to blush.