Hey, Spoons here! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and sorry the update took so long. Forks had a spill on her horse and I was spazzing out like a looney. And recruiting.
So, without any furthur ado, here's the next chapter!
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The rest of the feast passed, surprisingly, without incident.
The idiots should enjoy the peace while it lasts.
The very next day, as it turns out, the Golden Trio and Ed who sounds very lame and unimportant beside that had Defense Against the Dark Arts. With the Slytherins.
Actually, their entire timetable had been rewritten to include the Slytherins in their every class. This made Ed very, very afraid. Those Sexy Utensils were out to get him, and get him bad.
Sitting patiently beside Ron, Ed awaited his doom. Soon the Slytherins came, Envy passing him with a smirk and a wink. Ed's face went red because ... erm... he was angry. Yeah, angry!
The Sexy Utensils burst into the room. Immediately, the tall one - Forks, was it? - was upon him.
"Edo-kun, we cannot allow you to sit near something so... grungy!" Forks said dramatically. "Spoons, you know what to do."
"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII!" Spoons shrieked, lifting Ron above her head and throwing him out the window. "ENVY SIT THERE NOW!"
Envy instantly obeyed.
"Okay, we are the Sexy Utensils," Forks said. "I'm Fifer but you're all to call me Forks."
"I'm Spoons. Piss me off and die."
"Trust me, you WILL die," Forks whispered. Everyone nodded, recalling Ron's attack.
"And if any of you - aside from Envy-kun - touch Ed, I'll castrate you with my boots!" Spoons snarled. Hermione raises her hand.
"What?"
"What if they're a girl?"
Spoons' scowl turned into a sadistic grin. "Know the meaning of a living autopsy?"
Spoons continued to smile evilly at Hermione, who seemed very freaked out. The next moments were filled with dread, suspense, woe, fatigue, DOOM, shrieks, and lots and lots of FEAR.
IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!
Spoons stalked through the aisles of the classroom leering at some boys, sneering at others, shaking her head sadly at the horribly unfortunate looking ones (i.e. NEVILLE), and smacking others just for the pleasure of it.
They both pretended to do "teachery like business in the back" ("We're going to some teachery like business in the back, so if anyone gets out of their seats, you will be booted to Nepal. Thank you."), but actually they were just planning who to torment next. And Envy and Edo showed up A LOT on their list of victims.
Forks moved forwards, Spoons lingering at the back.
"We're going to ask you all the hawt yaoi YOU'D like to see," Forks said. "Or we'll consider asking."
"Heeeelp!" a voice from the window cried. Spoons' glare intensified.
"Ronald!" Hermione cried.
"Stop right there, fugly girl," Forks said darkly, nodding at Spoons. Going to the window, Spoons yanked Ron up, throwing him at Hermione.
"Never, ever reproduce. Either of you."
"Especially together," Forks added, shuddering.
"Now... you have some book on defense to read. Do that for a while," Spoons said, heading back to the front of the classroom and flopping down on the desk. "I'm goin' to sleep."
Forks took out some huge, thick book and started reading, instantly blushing and giggling. Ed really didn't want to know...
Ten minutes passed.
Fifteen.
Twenty...Ed was really expecting something now...
"GOD DAMMIT! I'M BORED!" Spoons yelled suddenly, glaring at the class. "I DEMAND ED AND ENVY START MAKING OUT NOW!"
Forks sweat-dropped.
"NO WAY I'M NOT GAY!" Ed yelled back.
Spoons raised an eyebrow and countless people coughed "denial".
"Envy-kun wants to," Spoons said.
"AND ENVY-KUN ALSO WANTS TO EXTERMINATE THE HUMAN RACE!"
"...he does? Let's help out, Forks!" Spoons cried.
"...we're human..."
"Oh yeah..."
Harry raised his hand.
"Yes, Mullet Man?"
"It's Harry..."
"Yes, yes, I know what it is."
"Then why don't you call me-"
"Do you have a question or would you like to speak in a really high pitched voice for the rest of your life?" Spoons had spoken.
Harry gulped and shook his head.
"Um... I was just wondering if we were actually going to learn any REAL magic this year..."
The Utensils stared at him, making him feel uncomfortable. Spoons grinned at him. Forks smiled too.
"Why of course we are, Terry."
"Harry…"
"Jerry."
"HARRY."
"Jennifer."
Spoons put her arm around his shoulder (grimacing on contact, mind you) and looked into the air wistfully. She used her other arm to dramatically gesture, as if she was sweeping the sky in a wide arc.
"The magic we're going to learn this year is... The magic of yaoi."
Ed sweat-dropped and banged his head down to his desk.
Hermione raised her hand again.
"What now?" Spoons snapped.
"You do know there's a war around the corner, right? What if we can't defend ourselves?" she asked like the know-it-all she is.
"...you better watch your fuckin' mouth, Granger. I'm not a total idiot and could defend myself against the now-homicidal Sasuke-kun," Spoons hissed proudly.
"...who?"
Spoons cradled her head, before looking up with pained eyes. "Once, there was a pairing even greater than Envy x Ed. Now... that pairing has been torn apart! BY OROCHIMARU! THE BASTARD STOLE SASUKE-KUN FROM NARUTO! And Sasuke was driven insane and tried to kill Naruto-kun a few times. But Naruto still know his love for Sasuke and they had better be reunited and make-out or I'll boot the author up Ron's fugly ass."
"Which is rashed."
"DO WE LOOK LIKE WE CARE?"
Forks decided to go for a different approach.
"Ronald, what would you like us TO DO about said rashed ass?"
"..."
Ron did not have a backup plan, as he was incapable of anticipation for the future. Spoons picked up. She cocked her eyebrow.
"So, you were just talking about your rashed ass for attention?"
"..."
The Utensils looked sympathetic. Spoons batted her eyelashes.
"Why, poor Ronald that is-"
Spoons dropped her act, swiftly booting Ron's rashed rear.
"THE MOST STUPID SELF CENTERED, RETARDED PIECE OF CRAP THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD! I MEAN COME ON-"
She continued as Forks pulled out a book and read, obviously enticed. She ducked as Ron flew over her head and out the window, never once putting the book down, in a very awesome and Kakashi-like coolness. It comes with being a pervert.
Spoons was standing on a desk, one fist held at her shoulder other at her hip.
"AND DON'T COME BACK HERE, YOU FUCKING BUSH BABY!"
Forks acknowledged her, never putting the book down.
"Bush baby? That's a new one."
"Meh, I've been keeping a list."
"For everyone?"
"For Ron."
"Ahhhh."
Spoons snorted, turning back to the class.
"Okay, you want Dark Arts? I'll give you Dark Arts," she said, glaring venomously.
Everyone - Forks included - blinked in surprise.
"You will?" Dean Thomas asked.
"Yes. I know a little of everything and a LOT about yaoi. So, the dark side of what? Yu-Gi-Oh? The Force? Alchemy? Chakra and ninjutsu?"
"Magic would be nice," Draco muttered.
"Draco, you are ever so sexy, but keep givin' me lip and I'll chuck you out the window," Spoons glared.
"Or make him suck on Harry's mullet."
"Or that."
"Teach us about alchemy!" Ed yelled.
"Alchemy is the science of transmuting matter. It is supposed to follow the law of Equivalent Exchange, but according to Hoho-papa (who I really hate) doesn't. I agree. You use your energy to transmute and the Gate then takes souls fro m some alternate world which sucks to make it happen," Spoons lectured swiftly. "Ed here is an alchemist and should stop living in denial."
Forks looked up from her book. "Spoons, you actually know something intelligent?"
Spoons growled, before randomly sitting and pouting.
Silence...
Envy suddenly growled. "SOMEONE MENTIONED HOHENHEIM! WHERE IS HE?"
Ed edged away slightly as Envy jumped on his desk, laughing manically and loudly plotting Hohenheim's doom.
The Utensils seemed not to notice, and Forks looked to the class.
"Let's move on to yaoi." She pulled up a stick of chalk and wrote YAOI on the chalkboard.
"Who can tell me what this stands for?"
Hermione raised her hand.
"Anyone? anyone but Her Fugliness? Please, people! …fine, Hermione."
"The definition of homosexual tendencies, or yaoi in Japanese, is the bond between a male and male human or animal. This interraction-"
"Blah blah blah, thank you. To simplify it: it is wonderful gay love. I will give you something easy to remember:
Y: You may be gay
A: And you will say
O: "Oh my goodness, heaven and hay
I: I love being gay, this is what I say."
Silence...
Spoons clapped approvingly, and gave a "bravo". Forks bowed low, and smiled. The class looked peeved. Spoons looked to Ed.
"Edo, would you like to repeat the line for us?"
"FUCK OFF! "
The Utensils exchanged looks.
"Okay, moving on. We're now going to start with the pairings," Forks said, grinning. Both Utensils started writing across the board. Finally, they moved away. Everyone noticed the cramped writing on Spoon's side, reading;
EnvyEd, RoyEd, WrathAl, SasuNaru, GaaLee, EnvyEd, FredGeorge, DracoHarry, SasuNaru, SeymourTidus, SeymourAuron, EnvyEd, RikuSora, RoyEd, SasuNaru, YukiShuichi, AuronTidus, NejiGaa, RussEd, Elricest (guilty pleasure), AxelRoxas, HisoTsu, TsuWata, SephyCloud, EnvyEd, SeymourBaralai, RoyEd, SquallCloud, KakaIru, ItaNaru
Then, written largest and circled;
EnvyEd
SasuNaru
RoyEd
Ed blushed furiously. "HOW CAN YOU PAIR ME WITH COLONEL BASTARD?"
Spoons went starry-eyed. "It's a love-hate thing and so adorable. Like Edvy!"
Everyone's gaze then turned to Forks' side. ..
Forks was deep in thought as she looked at hers.
"I don't know, Spoons. Do you think that Winry is worthy of speaking of?" both exchanged looks.
"She's okay, I guess."
"I'll just take her off. She's just there for cheap drama."
Ed slammed his fists on his desk. "NO SHE'S NOT!"
"Edo, you're gay so it doesn't really matter..."
"I AM NOT!"
Forks sighed. "Winry has been literally throwing herself at you, yet you take no action to it whatsoever. Plus the pants, the brotherly connection, the pants, the advantage of a short stature... the pants."
"ALRIGHT, I GET IT! BUT I'M NOT GAY!"
"Whaever... Anway, here's my side: Envy/Ed, Envy/Roy, Yuki/Hatsuharu, Kyo/Yuki, Kyo/Hatsuharu, Shigure/Hatori, Shigure/Ayame Legolas/Aragorn, Ro/Dan, Arwen/NOBODY, Frodo/Merry and/or Pippin (NEVER SAM) Draco/Harry Fred/George, Draco/Cedric , Draco/Blaise, Blaise/Harry (occasionally)."
Forks beamed and patted herself on the back.
Draco, meanwhile, looked on in horror, and slight happiness, that he was put on the girls' board so many times.
Spoons gasped in horror.
"I FORGOT ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS!"
Forks shook her head. "I 'm ashamed, Spoons."
"...Envy should kiss Ed now."
Groaning, Ed bashed his head against the desk.
The bell rang.
"Oh, where does the time go? Everyone, you have to write a foot long essay about why Ed should admit he's gay."
Everyone groaned at the mention of a foot long essay.
"DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO SEE YOUR FIRST CHILD?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
Ed glared at them. "Do I have to do it? It is about me..."
"Well, he's not arguing with us on the matter so maybe this is some twisted way for saying he's coming out..."
"DAMMIT, LEAVE ME ALONE!"
In the rest of his classes, the teachers seemed stressed. All of them moved either Ed or Envy to sit beside each other - no doubt some kind of blackmail. Ed was becoming more and more afraid. How far would those Utensils go?
Ed, being the angsty little midget he was, immediately started brooding over the pain and fear. And when he reached his bed... There were posters of Envy. EVERYWHERE.
"FUCKING HELL!" He screamed, transmuting a blade and chucking a spazz, slashing posters, walls, Neville...
"Did we go too far?" Spoons asked, wide-eyed.
Forks shook her head.
"We couldn't have gone over board! It's... it's not logical!"
"WHY ISN'T HE SURRENDERING TO THE WONDERFUL YAOI SIDE?"
"I don't know, Spoons... I just don't know..."
Ed was done with his spazz attack and stepped over the many bodies of groaning Gryffindors as he exited the Common Room, obviously not caring whether or not he had to stay inside.
A light bulb was placed over Spoons head.
"What the hell is that?"
"It means you have an idea: you know, that light bulb went on?"
She put down the hammer she was aiming at the light bulb.
"Oh... right. I HAVE A PLAN! Let us send Envy after Ed and hope that they... MAKE OUT IN A CONCEALED CORNER!"
She punched the air triumphantly while Forks sighed and obliged.
Sprinting off to the Slytherin common rooms, Spoons booted the stone-wall. It cowered and obeyed.
"ENVY GET YOUR SEXY ASS OUT HER E!"
"WHERE IS MY SEXY E LVEN BISHIE?" Aragorn yelled, galloping around on an invisible horse.
"Not now, Aragorn!" Forks hissed. Aragorn disappeared.
"What?" Envy asked, yawning.
"...Homunculi sleep?" Forks asked.
"With chibis, yes," Envy said, smirking.
The Utensils nodded dreamily.
"Oh, yeah! Ed's gone completely mad and is attacking everyone and anything. Since you're kinda a Homunculus, we thought you should go and restrain him," Forks said.
"You mean I thought!" Spoons snapped. "Look, show Ed how much you care about him. That's definitely a start. Want a romantic line to say?"
"Please."
Spoons whispered one in Envy's hear. Sadly, all his hair got in the way, so she had to repeat herself several times.
"Now, GO! GO AND SAVE EDO-KUN!"
Envy ran off heroically.
"...our obsessions are really growing up!" Forks said tearfully. Spoons agreed, wiping her eyes.
"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"
Spoons shook her fist. "What the hell is he doing here anyway?"
The Utensils stood still for a minute or two.
"You know... we should probably go after them. I mean, if they get caught, then we can say we had them running around for something or the other."
"Yeah."
Silence...
"Plus they would make out without us watching, taking pictures, and painting it..."
ZOOM! Down the halls they went.
" EDO!" Envy yelled, running up to the clearly insane alchemist.
"NOOOOOOOO GET AWAY MY MIND LIES I DON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL YOU'RE ENVY AND MY ENEMY AND NOT SEXY!" Ed screamed.
" Edo..." Envy started, taking in a deep breath. Why was he doing this? Why was he going to say what that... that boot-happy woman had told him? "I hate everything about you."
Ed's eyes widened. Envy stepped closer, pulling the blonde into his arms.
"...why do I love you?"
All over the school, count less voices went "awwww!" Ed blushed, closing his eyes.
"You came up with that, Spoons?" Forks asked, amazed.
"Hell no. I stole it from a Three Days Grace song," Spoons s aid, squinting into the video camera.
Sadly, it seems that Ed had fallen asleep against Envy.
"DAMMIT!" Spoons cried, kicking a suit of armor.
"Hey!"
Spoons blinked. "Aru?"
Forks sighed. "It's "Al", not "Aru"."
"If you watched it all in Japanese and spoke any of the language, you'd call him Aru too!" Spoons snapped, yanking the head off the suit of armor.
Peering inside, she spotted a brunette boy huddled in it.
"Hey look! He's been there the whole time, stingy kid."
"No, I got my body back! I'm just spying on brother," Al said quietly.
"...do you think Ed is gay, Al?" For ks asked.
"The pants say it all," Al sighed. "That and the pole dancing and feminine pop albums."
" Edo pole dances?" Spoons asked, fainting from a nosebleed.
Forks sighed and slung Spoons over her shoulder.
"You staying here, Al?"
"Yeah, I think I can fake being a small student that was accepted late or something," he shrugged.
"You're normally such a refined, shy, quiet boy..." Forks said, frowning.
"Hey, people change." Al said, gesturing to the snoozing pipsqueak alchemist.
Ed was, naturally, freaked out when he awoke.
BESIDE ENVY.
"ARRRRRGH HOLY FUCKING CRAP ENVY RAPED ME!"
"...shut up you stupid o'chibi-san," Envy groaned. Ed was cute, but why couldn't he be one of those shy cuties?
Several camera flashes went off, and the Utensils were running again.
"GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING SPAZZES!"
"RUN SPOONS, RUN! HE'S ON TO US!"
"WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?"
Neville was innocently walking through the walls when...
"MOVE, NEVILLE !"
"FUCK OFF, NEVILLE!"
The Utensils shoved Neville harshly, ignoring the loud crack. Spoons booted him, HARD.
Needless to say Neville's funeral wasn't that expensive and a nice band played "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds".
Once reaching a safe corridor, they hid behind a tapestry, giggling.
"He'll never find us in here..."
Suddenly...
"My ass still has a rash on it."
"HOLY SHIT RONALD WEASLEY DON'T DO THAT!" Spoons screamed.
"But it's true..."
"AND I'LL BOOT YOUR HEAD ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON IF YOU DON'T PISS OFF NOW!"
Surprisingly, Ron scurried away in tears.
"Wow Spoons..."
Harry was walking down the corridor when Ron bumped into him, sobbing.
"What is it this time, Ron?" Harry asked, letting out an aggravated sigh.
"Blahyapblahyapyapblahblahblahyapyapblah!" (This is what Harry really hears when Ron talks)
"Really? Spoons made you cry?" Harry asked nonchalantly.
"Blahyapyapblahblahblahblahyapblahblahyapyap!"
"Really? You still have a rash on your ass?"
"Blah yap yap blah?" Ron asked, sniffing and attempting a puppy-dog pout. He looked more like a rabid rat.
Harry sighed. "No, Ron. I will not have sex with you."
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Thanks for reading, hope you too were on the floor in laughter.
Oh, and we have a Utensil website now!
http/ sexyutensils. webpaint. com
Take out spaces and such if you wanna see it.
Reviews are good, people:hint, hint: