Hey! Sorry we took so long, Forks broke her collarbone and we ran out of ideas for a while – plus I've been being a stingy-Spoons and been focusing on only my own fics. Hehehe…
Anyways, here it is! And please note that I'm referred to as Pride for a while by Forks. Currently my nickname (I RP as Pride!Ed), so there!
--------------------------
The Utensils, finally sure they were going to survive, came out.
"So... who else can we mess with for a while?" Spoons asked gloomily. She really likes Edvy.
"Draco and Harry."
They exchanged evil smiles.
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HAWT like me. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me. Don't cha... Don't cha... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was RAW like me... Don't cha wish your girlfriend was FUN like me. Don't cha... Don't cha..."
Forks and Spoons exchanged glances. Draco sang the Pussycat Dolls? Both shrugged and advanced.
"-'cause if it ain't love that it ain't enough to be my happy home... Let's keep the-"
"HI DRACO!"
"AH!"
CRASH!
"Way to Go, Pride."
"Whoops... ehehehe. You okay?"
"Ow, my nose..."
"Ne, ne, ne, Draco-kun..."
"What the hell are you mouthing about, woman?"
Spoons' eye twitched, her boot rising...
"No Pride! The mission!"
Scowling heavily, Spoons stomped her foot down, trying not to stumble in on the dents and cracks.
"You, Draco Malfoy. We have decided you're going to be paired up with Harry Potter. Okay?" Spoons said, glaring.
"Nooooo! The mullet! Arrrrrrrrggggh!"
Forks nodded, agreeing. "We're going to work together... to shave it off."
Draco put his hand to his chin. "I don't know..."
Spoons twitched and raised her fist threateningly but Forks gently put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head.
"But I really hate him! He's so... HORRIBLE. Yet... if you look past the mullet... when he takes off his glasses he does seem a bit sexy..."
The Utensils nodded in encouragement. "Go on..."
"Okay, throw in laser-surgery and you've got a deal," Draco said.
"What if I rip his eyes out and replace them with Wrath's?" Spoons suggested, smirking evilly.
Draco tilted his head to the side. "Who?"
Forks looked thoughtful. "That just might work, Pride..."
"Wait, who's Wra-"
"Of course, we'd have to make sure that Sensei Izumi didn't see us.."
"True, true.. But she can be easily distracted with some peanut butter and sugar water..."
"..."
"What too much?"
Forks shook her head. "Even for me, Pride."
"Sorry."
Spoons considered an alternative. "We could get Ed to introduce his new boyfriend."
"Future," Forks corrected.
"...but won't we be brutally murdered for befouling Wrath by your friend?" Spoons considered. "Even my booting has no effect on a rabid fangirl bent on vengeance."
"True... better just go with laser surgery and a shave," Forks nodded.
"DRACO! FIND HARRY NOW!"
"OR I'LL BOOT YA ALL THE WAY TO SATURN AND YOU'LL GET SLICED OPEN ON ITS RINGS!"
Draco looked shocked. "WHEN MY FATHER HEARS HOW YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING TO ME-"
Spoons crashed a lamp on the ground, jumped up and down, spazzing out most professionally.
"... And where can I find him?"
Spoons nodded. "Good boy."
"Gryffindor Common Room. Password's "Edo-kun is so clearly gay"," Fork added.
Draco sniggered.
"So... GO BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE OR SPOONS WILL BOOT YOU!" Forks yelled, shoving Draco.
Draco ran off, lickity split.
Spoons wiped her eyes. "Forced boy on boy love. (sniff) Beautiful, just beautiful..."
Draco had a slight detour, however, when he ran into Ron and Hermione standing outside the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Move, Mud Bloods."
"But my ass is rashed!" Ron moaned.
"Yes, and Mudbloods is sooo offensive!"
Draco rolled his eyes. "Do I look like I care?"
"Why are you here?" Hermione snapped.
"The Utensil Group sent me to get Potter."
Ron laughed. "Malfoy's scared of the Utensils!"
Draco raised an eyebrow. "Weasel, Spoons is behind you."
Ron burst into tears, running away. Hermione glared, and then followed.
"Git..." muttered under his breath and approached the portrait. "Edo-kun is so clearly gay."
The painting opened without complaint, as it too knew that Edo-kun was in fact, very very gay. Draco climbed inside, and walked into the Common Room as if he had gone there all his life. This freaked out Dean and Seamus who had been "playing an innocent game of wizard chess and definitely not making out."
Draco smirked at then and waved. "Where's Potter?"
"Angsting in bed."
Draco's eyes narrowed. "How do you know what he does in bed?"
Seamus blushed. "Um... RON TOLD ME!"
Draco rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure..."
Draco shook his head and waved his hand at the pair.
"You can continue making out, I'm going to find him."
Dean opened his mouth. Draco stopped him with a wave of his hand.
"And yes, I know what you were doing and no I will not tell anybody for I am a nice person."
Dean shut his mouth.
Draco ascended the stairs and opend a random door that had an audible aura of "Angst" "Doom" and "Mullet" surrounding it. Draco found the famous scar-head angsting on his bed, as Seamus said.
"Stupid Edward... getting all the attention just because he's cute, in denial and in a better series than me..." Harry mumbled.
"Oi, Potter, the Utensil want to see you," Draco announced.
"MALFOY DON'T SPY ON ME WHEN I'M ANGSTING! THAT'S ILLEGAL!"
"Uh-huh. Just get up and follow me, you pathetic shit."
His angst levels rising, Harry followed Draco from the room, plotting to make himself shorter.
-----------------------------
:tap tap tap:
Spoons was clearly getting impatient waiting for Harry and Draco to arrive.
:tap tap tap tap:
She was repeatedly tapping her fingers on the table. Forks was engaged in a book about philosophy, something she really didn't understand, but was trying to anyone 'cause she wanted to look smart.
"-up, Malfoy! There's no way in a troll's ass-"
"-don't give a shit about what you think, Potter! It's those girls-"
"-really don't want to hear it right now, okay!"
Spoons sighed wistfully. "Young yaoi blossoming..." she made a blooming gesture with her hands.
"What do you want?" Harry snapped.
"Don't disrespect me, fool. I booted Mr T! AND Chuck Norris," Spoons growled.
"That was fun..." Forks recalled, sniggering.
"What did you want to see me for?" Harry rephrased impatiently.
"Okay Pot-head, sit in the chair," Spoons ordered.
Harry glanced at the chair momentarily, before shaking his head. Forks nodded, grinning evilly. Harry shook his head. Forks lifted her hard-cover, thick philosophy book and brought it down on Harry's greasy mullet. Harry fainted.
"Get a razor each," Forks suggested.
Draco sneered and flinched. "I'm rather afraid to touch it to be honest..."
Spoons raised her hand triumphantly into a fist. "That's why we brought these!" She handed them both some rubber gloves and masks.
Forks smiled. "Good thinking, Spoons. But, how are we going to get past all of this grease?"
Spoons held up different brands of dish soap. "Well, Mr. Clean fights grease and stains, Dawny makes your hands smell like REAL SOAP forevrr and fights grease, and... um... and Cascade just sits there."
Draco looked thoughtful. "Mr. Cleans sounds better. Don't need my hands to be smelling like dish soap to REMIND me of the mu- the mu-"
Forks held up her hand. "You don't have to say the M Word, Draco. Just be glad we're taking it off..."
All nodded in agreement.
"Me first!" Spoons cried, turning her razor on.
BZZZT! The centre of Harry's hair came off, making him look further retarded.
"That looks like fun!" Forks cried, sheering from behind Harry's left ear to the right-side of his forehead. Soon, they were all getting into it, the greasy and vile locks falling away in great shame. They had failed in their evil plan to prevent yaoi.
"Now, the laser surgery," Draco said.
Spoons tightened her boots.
"...what are they for?" Draco asked fearfully.
"If I boot his head hard enough in the right place, he'll stop being blind-ish," Spoons smirked. (U/N: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDDIES!)
"And if I add in a few punches," Forks said, pulling on boxing gloves. Where did she get them? Shut up, it's Hogwarts, it's not meant to make sense!
Draco stepped back, sweat-dropping as the girls went nuts on his future boyfriend. If it all worked out, of course.
RANDOM ENVY MOMENT
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like EDO?" Envy sang, glaring at the nearest couple.
"Yup," the boy agreed. He was promptly slapped.
BACK TO THE STORY
Forks stopped Spoons momentarily. "Spoons, remember, only a few. Remember what happened to Chuck Norris?"
Spoons grinned rather sheepishly and nodded. "Don't worry, just a few it is, but that goes for you as well."
"Got it."
BOOT! BOOT BOOT!
PUNCH PUNCH!
BOOT!
To say that Harry would have the "hangover" of the century would have been
an understatement...
Panting, the Utensils pulled back. Harry was black, blue, purple and red - all of their favorite colors. And with no mullet, Harry was already starting to look more sexy.
"LIKE MY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIIIIIE!"
"Piss OFF Aragorn!"
Head bowed sadly, Aragorn disappeared. Dumping Harry unceremoniously on Draco, the Utensil walked off, heads held high.
"Now let's go kidnap the cast of GRAVITATION! HUZZAH!"
-----------------------------------
:type type type type type:
"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!!"
:TYPE TYPE TYPE TYPE:
"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!"
:TYPE. TYPE. TYPE. TYPE.:
"YUUUUUUUUUUUUUKI!!!!!!!"
:PUNCH, PUNCH PUNCH, SLAM!:
"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!"
Shuichi fell to the ground, cradling his head whilst whimpering and whining.
Suddenly...
"To give the world yaoi and slash..."
Yuki sighed and lit a cigarette. "Oh, great. Company..."
"To kill homophobes, loser, and steal cash..."
"To denounce the perils of fugly girls..."
"To shave mullets and straighten curls... "
"Spoons!"
"Forks!"
"Sexy Utensils blast off at the speed of yaoi!"
"Surrender now, 'cause we know you're gayo!"
"YEOW, THAT WHAT WE SAYO!"
…
"Who the hell are you two?"
The Utensils face-faulted.
"We're..." Spoons started. Forks smacked her.
"Doesn't matter, you both need to come with us," Forks said, smiling sweetly.
"Yuki...I'm scared..." Shuichi whimpered.
"OMFG! SHU-CHAN!" Spoons squealed, glomping the pink-haired singer.
"NIKE SHUUUU!" Forks added, joining the glomp.
Yuki continued typing.
"YUUUUUUUKI THEY'RE HURTING MEEEEEE!" Shuichi whimpered.
"Mmm-hmm."
Spoons jumped up, smacking Yuki upside the head. "APPRECIATE YOUR BOYFRIEND WHO WILL GET RAPED BY A.S.K. TO PROTECT YOU, DAMMIT!" Spoons roared.
"Go away."
Spoons growled, drawing back her leg. "I learnt a new kick during my bi-weekly torture session...and I don't mean the good bi."
"Karate," Forks translated.
"SAKOTOGARI!"
The blade of Spoons' booted foot slammed into Yuki's face, lifting him from his seat in a very cool slow motions moment.
"SUES!"
Spoons flinched. "S-Shehan?"
A man dressed in a karate uniform with a black-belt so old it was falling apart had appeared, glaring at Spoons menacingly.
"You did it WRONG! It's like... BAM! BAM! BAM!" Each bam was emphasized with the correct technique. Yuki was suffering greatly.
"Hai, Shehan."
"Practice more, Sues! Fair dinkum, if you never do any karate practice you'll always be a yellow belt. We must set aside more time to do the things we love, the things that make us feel good," Shehan said dramatically.
A pale hand tapped Shehan on the shoulder. Shehan looked up to find green hair and a smirking he-she which any fan of the anime knows is a he.
"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?" Envy sang.
"...does that involve Goju Karatedo?"
"No."
"Then no, I don't."
SMACK!
"OWN'D!" Spoons squealed. "Envy, you just kicked my karate master's ass!"
Envy turned to Yuki.
"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?"
Silence...
Shuichi's eyes had gone all heart-like and mushy waiting for Yuki's response.
His only response was a grunt, clearly he would have a black eye and many other bruises, and a unemotional "Don't care."
Forks held back Spoons who was foaming at the mouth ready to attack him
again.
Shuichi looked like he'd been hit by a 2 ton truck of misery.
"Your relationship needs some serious work!" Spoons spat. "GET IN THE BAG!"
Shuichi immediately jumped in the large sack. Yuki crawled back up to his
laptop and continued to type. Spoons handed the bag to Forks and swipped the laptop from under Yuki's fingers, yanking out the cords. Slamming it shut, she tucked it under her arm.
"IN THE FUCKING BAG!" the Utensils screamed.
Sighing, Yuki obeyed.
"Do I have to get in the bag?" Envy asked.
"Is Edo in there?" Forks asked sarcastically.
"Nope."
"There's your answer, Senior Pointy-Hair."
Forks shook her head.
"Honestly, how can you treat him that way? Despicable."
Spoons nodded.
Yuki sighed and shrugged. He got in the bag.
"Hey, Yuki?"
"Yeah?"
"Since we're alone and in a dark, private area...?"
"No."
Shuichi pouted, sulking.
Spoons slung the bag over her shoulder, then realized the weight of two men and dropped it.
"Ouch!" Shuichi cried.
"Stupid bitch..."
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME YUKI?"
Forks sweatdropped.
"Okay, Envy, since you're a Homunculi with super-speed and super-strength so that you can punch the ground and form craters, you're carrying them," Spoons spat.
"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like Edo?"
"Yup. Just, preferably not gay like Edo."
And so, Envy started to carry the bag.
"Do we kidnap anyone else?" Spoons asked.
Forks thought. "Well... Ryuichi, Tohma Seguchi, ... um... OH! NOT MIKA! She's evil..."
Spoons sighed and jotted it all down on a list.
"Oh, and don't forget Tatsuha, we can have yaoi between him and Ryuichi!"
Spoons jotted it down again.
"Well... maybe we can forget Tohma.."
Spoons grumbled, erasing his name.
"Well, on the other hand we will need him for future fights between him and Shuichi over Yuki..."
Spoons ground her teeth, writing it once more, eye twitching slightly.
"I have a rash on my ass."
"Ron, how did you get here?"
"ELVEN BISHIE!?!"
Spoons looked around frantically.
"TOO MANY FANDOMS!"
Everyone fell silent, staring at Spoons. She sighed heavily.
"Okay, Forks, you can organize all the Gravitation kidnapping and such on one condition..." Spoons said cunningly.
"What's the condition?" Forks asked, some-what suspicious.
"You gotta hack off a foot."
"WHAT! NO WAY!" Forks cried.
"Oh, riiight... this isn't the flying car," Spoons said, smacking her forehead lightly. "That we kidnap Sasuke and Naruto sometime and get them back together."
"Deal." They shook hands.
"I still have a rash on my ass..."
Spoons swung back her foot, booting him.
Forks pulled out a graph labeled "Spoon's Booting records"
"Negative 78 by positive 105. That would be about Russia... Nice, Spoons!"
"Thank you, I know."
"Okay, Forks, so you go get Ryuichi and Kuma and whoever else you want, I'm going to Konoha!" Spoons w00ted.
And with that, Spoons reached into her pocket and pulled out a Konoha forehead protector, tying it on with a "Yoshii, dattebayo!"
"UTENSILS WILL UNITE AGAIN IN HOGWARTS! HUZZAH!" the both cried, before ranting about bananas and melons.
"...who do I stalk?" Envy asked.
The Utensils glared at each other.
"ME!"
Envy sweatdropped. "I think I'll -"
"SEXY ELVEN BISHIIIIIIE!"
Envy round-house kicked Aragorn in the face. "SHUT UP WHEN PEOPLE BETTER THAN YOU ARE TALKING! GAWD!"
"...Envy, you're not people."
Scoffing, Envy wandered off somewhere, still carrying Shuichi and Yuki.
"Will he be back?"
"Yup, we've got his precious."
"Hair spray?"
"No, Edo!"
And with one final salute, the Utensils went their separate ways.
Envy tugged the sack.
"You guys weigh a lot for a couple of air-headed freaks."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT YUKI?! YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY YUKI THAT WAY!"
Yuki ignored him and stayed silent.
Envy smirked.
------------------
Forks was on a mission. She had to find Sakuma-san before the deadline, 3 hours. She had to be back at Hogwarts, with victims - I mean guests - in tow, and by darn she was gonna do it!
Except, she had no idea where she was going...
Taking out a cell that had an imprint of a Fork wearing lingerie (aka, Sexy Fork) she dialed up Spoons.
Spoons, on the other Utensil, was doing pretty good. She had managed to reach the Sound Village, and was enthusiastically singing her favorite Naruto theme song.
"WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS! Something something in Japanese FIGHTING DREAMERS! More random words in Japanese OI OI OI OI JUST GO MY WAY! RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, GO! YOU PUNCH LIKE A DRUNKEN RIDER!"
"Who goes there?" a voice hissed. Spoons read the subtitles.
"Ohayo! Watashi wa namae Spoon Kunoichi desu."
"...what?"
"I'm the Spoon Ninja."
"Ah... HEY! YOU'RE FROM KONOHA! ZOMG!" the guard replied.
"Yes... and I'm here to join Orochimaru," Spoons replied.
"Proof, please!"
"Kukuku... Sasuke-kun, you will be mine," Spoons said, licking her lips. The guard shuddered and waved her inside.
"Time for part two!" Spoons told herself.
"SAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSUKE!" Spoons screamed, trying to imitated Naruto. "SAAAAASSSSSUKKKE-TEME! DATTEBAYO!"
No response.
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEE! HELP ME! DATTEBAYO!"
Suddenly, Spoons heard a familiar evil chuckle.
"OMFG! OROCHI-KUN!" she squealed, before pausing. "Why am I a fangirl for the 50-year-old, pedophile snake-bastard? WHO RUINED YAOI?"
"Who dares enter my village and scream for MY Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked.
"HE'S NOT YOURS, HE'S NARUTO'S!" Spoons screamed, drawing her foot back...
The rock sound of "Riraito" filled the room. Spoons sweatdropped, whipping out her cell. A spoon with Mr. Cool hair was on it.
"FORKS I'M ABOUT TO SMACK THE SNAKE PERVERT!" Spoons cried.
Orochimaru stood there, licking his lips.
"What d'ya mean you dunno where they are?"
Orochimaru started to wonder just how long his tongue was.
"Some recording company in Tokyo, there can't be that many!"
Orochimaru started pulling his tongue out. It reached his feet, hung around there before hitting the floor. He kept pulling and pulling...
"Yes, I know how big Tokyo is... you should've kept Shu-chan with you."
Would his tongue ever end? Even Orochimaru was starting to get freaked out... the piles of tongue almost covered his head.
"HE JUST RAN PAST YOU? SHIT! GET YOUR GLOVES ON AND STEAL ARAGORN'S HORSE!"
Spoons then hung up, before turning and finding Orochimaru submerged in his own tongue. She shuddered, before booting him right out of the underground village.
"NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF SASUNARU AGAIN!"
Now then... back to her plan...
"SAAAAAAASUKE HELP ME! DATTEBAYO! HELP ME!" Spoons screamed, trying to imitate Naruto once more. "ITACHI'S TRYING TO RAAAAAAAPE ME!"
Silence.
Spoons flew back, hearing the sound of a thousand bird chirping. Sasuke burst through the wall, his full-body Chidori on and Sharingan whirling.
"Recorded message, yadda yadda, you're a bastard," Spoons said coolly, round-house kicking Sasuke. Even Sasuke looses to a yaoi fangirl in combat boots, and Spoons threw the anorexic-looking teenager over her shoulder.
"TO KONOHA! HUZZAH!"
--------------
Forks frowned at the dial tone emitting from the cellular phone.
"Don't use that dial tone with me, Pri- SAKUMA-SAN WAIT! I'M NOT GOONA HURT YOU!"
Naturally, when a strange girl says she is not going to hurt one very popular Japanese rock star, they have 3 options.
1) Take their word for it and be held captive for the next 50 years until the girl's obsession dies out
2) Pretend to have amnesia and not know ANYTHING
3) Run like hell and hop on the nearest passing by truck/car
Now, Ryuichi Sakuma could have done ALL of these easily. Except, Mr. Kuma wanted a cookie from a nearby bakery.
One can not ignore one's obsession's cravings (Believe you us, Utensils would know), or suffer the consequences.
After a mad dash around a fire hydrant, Sakuma-San was caught, and tied on a leash.
"Why do I get a leash!?"
"Because Envy has the sack."
"Who?"
Deciding this was the best time than ever, Forks whipped out her cell again calling Spoons.
"Konoha shinobi are idiots," Spoons muttered, dragging Sasuke behind her. He was probably getting cut and bruised back there, but dammit, that idiot Uchiha had abandoned Naruto!
...why hadn't anyone noticed a stranger wearing their forehead protector dragging an S-class missing nin?
"HEY EVERYONE!" Spoons yelled. "LOOK WHO I'VE GOT!"
No-one paid any attention.
"NARUTO! I HAVE SASUKE!"
"SAAAAAAAAAAASUKE!"
Sasuke stirred slightly, his lips moving in the form of Naruto's name.
The orange and black clad ninja was fast approaching, eyes wide in joy at the sight of Sasuke. It was a beautiful moment and Naruto was bound to glomp and kiss when...
"Riraito" started to play.
"FORKS!" Spoons cried.
Sasuke had awoken due to the noise and both himself and Naruto were glaring at Spoons.
"Well done, but you ruined the moment!" Spoons moaned.
Sasuke and Naruto started gazing into each other's eyes again, their faces moving closer...
"Okay, okay. Next time ask Knives for help," Spoons concluded, hanging up again. "You two are coming with me."
"No way, dattebayo!"
"Yes, because if you don't, people are probably going to lynch Sasuke, and you don't wanna be split up again, do you?"
Sasuke climbed to his feet, dragging Naruto after himself and Spoons.
-----------------------
"You just got RE-JECTED!"
"You shut up! That bear too!"
Ryuichi whined.
Forks got out her cell phone again and dialed Forks.
A dull "Hello?" was her response.
"Heya, Knives. It's Forks."
"... eh?"
Forks looked at her watch. whoops... damn time differences.
"Oops, sorry, I forgot we were in Japan..."
"It's like 2 in the morning here!"
"I'm sorry... but anyway, you'll never believe who I just caught!"
"Zzzz..."
"KNIVES!"
"OW! WHAT!"
"Never mind. See you at Hogwarts!"
---------------------
And here they were, back at Hogwarts.
"Now, why don't you two make out?" Spoons suggested.
Sasuke and Naruto, to Spoons' eternal joy, complied.
"Oh man this is hawt..." Spoons droolled, filming already.
"Um, Professor..."
"Call me Spoons or Pride, Edo."
"Pride?" Ed asked, blinking in surprised. "YOU'RE A HOMUNCULUS?"
Spoons scoffed. "I wish… I RP as Pride!Ed – figure it out, genius."
"Oh, okay then, that's retarded, but okay."
"Your question?"
"I was just wondering... erm... why Envy hasn't been stalking me today," Ed asked, blushing so cutely Spoons couldn't help but glomp him.
"Awww, you're worried about Envy-kun?" Spoons squealed.
" Edo's worried about me?" Envy asked, randomly appearing. He dropped the sack full of Yuki and Shuichi and glomped Ed himself. Spoons quickly whipped out another camera.
"Now where are the others?"
--------------------------
"-DON'T WANNA GO ON THE PLANE! PLANES ARE SCARY! NO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
As to three guesses as to who was screaming, I will let you tell me.
1) Tohma
2) Tatsuha
3) Ryuichi
tick tick tick tick
Time's up. it was actually neither. Forks hates flying. Seriously, ever since she saw LOST it has been this whole epidemic...
Tohma sighed angrily.
"We're nowhere NEAR Australia..."
"BUT WHAT IF WE CRASH LAND ON A JAPANESE ISLAND WITH DRAGONS AND OTHERS!?"
They sighed heavily.
Forks continued to carry on until her cell rang.
"Hello?"
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" Spoons yelled.
"PRIDE THEY'RE MAKING ME GO ON A PLANE! PLANES ARE SCARY AND AUSTRALIA AND -"
"...did you just diss Australia?" Spoons asked, her Aussie accent becoming more defined.
"Erm, no, but..."
"YOU AIN'T GO DISSING MAI TURF! Except Canberra, Canberra's a hole. Same with Adelaide. BUT AUSSIES RULE, YANK!" Spoons said, going from gangsta to normal to heavy Aussie.
"... I DON'T WANNA GO ON A PLANE TO LONDON!" Forks cried.
"That's a 17 hour flight from Tokyo," Spoons nodded. She glanced over her shoulder, and squealed. "OMFG! SASUKE AND NARUTO ARE censored SOOOOOOO HOT!"
"AND I'M MISSING IT?" Forks screamed.
"So am I!" Knives suddenly yelled.
"Hey Knives."
"Hi Pride. WHERE IS TEH YAOI?'
"Riiiight in front of me," Spoons said, holding up her trusty cam-corder.
"No fair!" both Forks and Knives pouted.
Smirking, Spoons held her cell closer to the censored-ing couple.
"Fine, expect me there..."
Forks gulped and took a step towards the plane...
Envy meanwhile, had dragged his "sack buddies" all over the school, bumping them down stairs for good measure, but really just to impress Ed.
"Eddddddddddddddddddddoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Envy called.
In an instant, Spoons appeared. "I ditch SasuNaru for Edvy any day! ...and it was over."
"Erm... okay... where is he?" Envy asked, dragging the sack up stairs once more.
"Probably angsting."
"Or yelling."
"Or pole-dancing to Britney Spears," Al suggested.
"Hey Al, when did you get here?" Envy asked, nonchalantly.
"I've been following brother for a while now," Al shrugged.
"ARU!" Spoons cried. "Why do you cosplay as Edo in the crappy movie which I didn't like because it sucked?"
"Please stop calling me "Aru", Miss Spoons, it's disturbing."
"B-b-but I watched the Japanese version, Aru!" Spoons protested.
"Then who am I?" Envy asked.
"Envii."
Envy sniggered. "Say it again"
"You're Envii, and you actually sound like a guy in the Japanese dub!"
"...true."
"Let's find brother already," Al sighed.
"Hey, Spoons, what's Edo's name in Japanese?"
"Edowardu Elriic."
Envy exploded into laughter. "Edowardu? That sounds like a condom brand! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Keep your fantasies about brother to yourself, Envy," Al squeaked.
"No! I wanna hear 'em!"
Al sweatdropped.
"...Yuki...we're still alone in a dark, confined space..." Shuichi whispered.
"No."
"C'mon! It'll be kinky!"
"NEITHER OF YOU ARE COMING OUT OF THERE UNTIL YUKI CONFESSES HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR SHU-CHAN IN A BEAUTIFUL AND YAOI-FILLED MOMENT!" Spoons said, sounding a lot like Rock Lee or Gai-sensei speaking of the passionate flame of youth. She even had the nice-guy pose.
"...no," Yuki huffed.
"YUKI DOESN'T LOVE ME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shuichi cried.
"YOU BASTARD!" Spoons screamed, booting the bag away.
"SEXY ELVEN BIIIIIIISHIIIIIIIIIIE! WHERE IS HE?" Aragorn screamed.
"Where ever all the elves hang out to be cool! Not here!" Spoons snapped.
"...I want to see my sexy elven bishie as a house-elf..." Aragorn drooled.
A sudden crash sounded.
"I HAVE ARRIVED WITH POP STARS IN TOW! AND GUESS WHAT!? WE DIDN'T CRASH!"
Spoons sighed as Forks bounced in, Knives behind and the prisoners- I mean VIP guests after.
"Ooo... castle... oooo... fugly children... OMFG! DRACO!"
Knives obviously hadn't been around Hogwarts that long...
Forks proudly showed off her Tatsuha/Ryuichi trophies.
She tried to be demanding like Spoons.
"Now, make out."
Silence.
"Priiiide, they won't make out!" Forks whined.
"Try poking them with my sword," Knives suggested, pulling out a huge-ass sword.
MEANWHILE...
Cloud held his hand out to his motor bike, waiting expectantly...
"HEY! WHERE'S MY HUGE-ASS SWORD?"
BACK TO THE UTENSILS...
"Yeah, Forks, you're too nice, you've gotta THREATEN the bastards," Spoons said, smiling sadistically.
"Where's Edo?" Envy asked.
"IN A MINUTE ENVY!" Spoons roared.
"But... but... EDO!"
"SHUT UP OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU WITH MY BOOTS!"
"...I'll regenerate, you know."
"ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNVY!"
Spoons stomped over to Ryuichi. "If you don't make-out with Tatsuha I'll kill Kuma."
Ryuichi gasped, horrified.
"With a SPOON!" Spoons cackled, holding up a pretty spoons from Norway. It was pointy, though.
"Man, you can't do that to Kuma!" Ryuichi squeaked.
"I can... and will..."
"And I'd smack him with my sword," Knives added, "kukuku"-ing.
"Hey Knives, I booted Orochimaru."
Knives sniggered. "Good work."
"Who...?"
"Sasuke's pedophile stalker."
"Oh, Naruto!" Forks huffed.
The girls hadn't quite noticed that Ryuichi had attacked Tatsuha. With his mouth.
"-don't understand why you two even understand that show-"
Forks was being ignored as the other two were filming/photographing/putting up lighting the make out fest before them.
Envy tapped his foot impatiently, finally huffing away to look for Ed who was a) angsting b) yelling or c) pole-dancing to Britney Spears.
He bumped into a ... SHAVED HARRY POTTER!?
"Hi, Envy!"
Envy laughed at Harry and walked off looking for Ed.
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, SPOONS!?"
"Uh huh..."
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!?"
"Uh huh.."
Sadly, the steamy session ended.
"Forks, I'm ashamed," Spoons growled, turning suddenly. "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR YAOI SENSES?"
"Huh?"
"Hawt. Yaoi. Sex," Spoons said, pointing to the panting boys.
"...aw man!"
Knives walked up, sword held over her shoulder coolly. "What about Ed and Envy? Or Harry and Draco?"
The Utensils exchanged looks.
"UTENSILS AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"HERE, ED ED ED ED!!!! HEEEEEEEERE, ED ED ED!!! SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEY!!!!!!!"
"Pride, Ed is not a pig or a chicken..."
"HERE ED ED ED!!"
Forks sighed while Knives tested the air for the almost invisible scent of yaoi that only Utensils and Extreme Fans can smell.
"That way."
The girls walked on, looking like important lawyers that walk down the hall on that show we can't think of right now...
Spoons sensed yaoi on the other side of a random door.
"On, three we open it..."
The other 2 girls nodded enthusiastically.
"One, ... two... THREE! ENV- OH MY GOD!"
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If you want an update in the next few months, I suggest you review:P