A/N- for those of you who are still following this, so sorry for the delay. My excuse is good enough, though- I spent the last week in London, where I got to see Wicked and meet Idina Menzel! I still need some time to digest everything that's happened but it's been an incredible week. So this is why I haven't posted anything… until now. Here's the next chapter, hope you'll like it. Reviews will make me super-happy, but you should know that already, shouldn't you…?
14- See What I Wanna See
"…really doable. I don't think we even need to get a warrant or anything, the place is a dump. No one can seriously live here."
"I must say that you have a good eye-perception. This place fits us perfectly. We can probably start clearing up the building after New Years. It may take a while to get all the necessary paperwork done."
She froze dead on her tracks when she heard the traces of conversation coming from the lot, her current performance space. She just passed there on her way to the subway so she decided to stop by before she'd head uptown, as she still had some flyers left to hang. Now she was glad that she did. She recognized one of the voices as Benny's. He was talking to another man that sounded as exuberant as he did. What she had just heard made her jaw drop to the floor. The consequences of it dawned on her in an instant. They couldn't possibly…
She walked in, getting more furious with each step she made. The two turned to look at her, slightly surprised, as she strode inside. "What the hell is going on here?" she asked, her voice echoing in the deserted space. One homeless, who seemed to be asleep in a corner, protested against this sudden interruption.
Benny had that guilty look, like the one he had when she once caught him flirting with a woman in a bar while his then-fiancée was at home. Now he said something to the other man and walked over to her. "Maureen, what are you doing here?"
"I came to put those flyers around, for my performance on Saturday," she said, thanking God that she didn't have time to hang all of them yet. They provided her a good alibi. Not that she needed one, but still. "What are you doing here, Coffin?"
"Look… it's not what you think," he said lamely.
"Oh, really? Enlighten me then."
"This man over there is Ned Gray. He's Allison's father. He just bought some old buildings around the block. He's a real genius in his field. He has some incredible ideas planned for those places. Now he wanted to buy this place as an investment for me… so I'll be able to build a cyber studio. Late wedding present," he added, scratching his goatee, as he always did when he was nervous.
"So you just buy buildings as if it was fuckin' Monopoly? People live here, Benny, people who don't have anywhere else to go!"
His face remained expressionless. "They don't officially own the place," he said matter-of-factly.
"And that gives you the right to just kick them out?"
"Well, actually it does." Then he gave her a look and snatched one flyer from her hand. He observed it for a second and then looked up at her, his expression almost mocking her. She felt like punching him. "This is not about those homeless people at all, is it? This is about you, as always."
She shot him a nasty glare. "Excuse me?"
"What do you care about some people you don't even know? But I bet you care a great deal about not having a place where you can show off and make some more drooling men adore you."
She looked at him through narrow eyes. She knew he didn't mean half of it, that he was one of those drooling men himself, and still, in a way, it did hurt. And she wanted to hurt him just the same. Oh, she would hurt him. When he wouldn't even notice. She heard Allison's father say something about New Years, and since it was October, it left her enough time to plan her next move. "You won't get away with this."
"Don't give me those empty threats and useless warnings, Johnson. There's nothing you can do to stop us."
"Watch me," she said and turned to leave.
His laughter echoed through the building, leading her way out.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Her heels clang against the sidewalk as she hurried down the street. She was so late, she knew, but then again, she was always late. She snuggled deeper into her jacket in a hopeless attempt to block the chill. The wind was slowly caressing her face as she walked against it, sending the anger away. She could feel her mind getting in gear. First she must let the guys know about all that. Then she'd have to think of a way to protest against the clearing of the lot. A protest. Yeah. That was good. Around Christmas maybe. It had to be something big to get people's attention, but not too flashy or exaggerated to make it accessible to as many people as possible. A small, satisfied smile curled on her lips. That jerk Benny had no idea what- whom- he was up against. He had no chance.
She crossed the street. He really managed to get to her this time. She hated it when people assumed things that weren't true. Sure, her wish for revenge was mostly selfish, but it wasn't just that. Really, it wasn't. That lot was all those people had, and now Benny and his father-in-law wanted to take that from them. It was so insensitive, as if they weren't even people, as if they were just a bunch of cows or somethi- Hmm. Cows. Maybe she'd use that for her protest.
A wave of comfortable heat washed over her when she pushed open the heavy wooden doors of the restaurant and stepped in. She refused the waitress' guidance with a small, polite smile. She knew her way. They always chose to sit at the same table, at the far end of the restaurant, near a window. She looked up as she made her way there. Joanne was sitting with her back to the entrance, sipping water from a tall glass.
She smiled at the image that Joanne made by just sitting there, a hint of calmness in the midst of the city's haste, which was kind of surprising considering the fact that Joanne wasn't the calmest person, to say the least. Things weren't so great at home, to say the least, so she was spending most of her time with Joanne now. They knew each other for a bit over two months now. They didn't seem to have a lot in common. At least not right away. But eventually, as they started to really open up to one another, they found out that they both shared love for Italian food, Cherry Garcia ice-cream and old, classic movies. And Joanne made her laugh. She could be really funny if she just let herself loosen up a bit. Once she shaded her lawyer attitude she was a really great person to hang out with. She found herself telling Joanne a lot, much more than she ever told anyone else, not even Mark or Collins. She told her the truth behind her picture-perfect family, about her new family in the East Village. Joanne told her about her own family, about her relationship with her father, whom she obviously adored, about her mother's resentment for her being a lesbian and how she always tried to hide her discontent, although not successfully. It was great to have a girl for company, after spending so much time just with the guys. There were things that you just couldn't tell them, because they'd never understand you whatsoever.
They talked about Mark a lot. After that fight they had in the summer, he was making efforts to spend time with her when she was home (which wasn't a lot); he even took over himself to be her production manager and helped her with all the technical stuff before her performances, but she kept her distance. This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't want him to be with her because he felt obliged to do so. She didn't want him to be distracted with thoughts of what Roger was doing while he was out of that damn room, helping her. She wanted to have him for herself. She didn't want to share him with Roger. Joanne said very little when they talked about Mark, as if she assumed she just needed to let things out. Who knew, maybe this was what she needed. She didn't feel better after her long monologues though. She felt old and bitter, two things that were never associated with her personality, or so she wanted to believe. And she knew she was probably boring Joanne to death with it, which didn't seem fair. Each time she went to meet Joanne she told herself that this time, she wouldn't talk about it, but then each time something would always come up and remind her of him, of them. And she found herself talking about it all over again.
She wouldn't talk about it today. She had a lot on her mind as it was, thanks to Benny. Ugh. She forced herself not to think about it, or at least to calm down. "I'm here," she said, flopping herself dramatically on the seat across from Joanne.
"And late as usual," Joanne said smiling.
"I'm trying not to break old habits. If I came on time you would have thought something was wrong." Joanne smiled. She snatched the menu from the table. "So what are we having? I'm starving!"
They gave a waitress their orders, and then Joanne told her a bit about how her day has been so far. She was in-between cases, so things were quite calm. She hated it when Joanne was swamped with work; they always had to cut their meetings to half an hour so that Joanne would be able to get back to her office on time. But today she had a bit more than that. Maybe she'd drag Joanne for some ice-cream later, she thought with a smile.
"So what's up with you?" Joanne asked, expertly rolling pasta around her fork. "How is that performance getting along?"
She frowned. "You wouldn't believe what that jerk is planning to do!"
Joanne looked confused. "Who?"
"On my way here I stopped at the lot to put some more flyers around, and I bumped into Benny, the yuppie-scum."
"Your ex-roommate, the one in the real-estate business?"
"Exactly. It turns out he plans to buy the building and make a cyber studio out of it!" she fumed. "I mean, is it even legal? People are living there, and they think that because they've got money they can just come up there and kick those poor homeless out-"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, I think I lost you," Joanne cut her off gently, raising her arm.
She smiled sheepishly. Yeah, she used to do that when she was really angry. She had to work on that. "Sorry."
"Who's 'they'?"
"Benny and his father-in-law. I heard them talking. If he thinks he got away with it, he's wrong. Very, very wrong. I'm gonna stop them."
"How are you planning to do that?" Joanne asked, trying to make her skeptic expression less obvious.
"I'll make people open their eyes against social injustices," she stated simply.
A shadow of a smile appeared across Joanne's face, but it vanished just as quickly, before she had a chance to question it. "Again, how are you planning to do that?"
She sipped her diet coke. "A protest. A huge one. People won't have a choice but listen. Cyber studio my ass."
Joanne said nothing, but she had that smile again, the one she thought she saw before. This time, she chose to pretend she didn't notice it.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
She walked Joanne home. They talked some more on the way, hands stuffed in their pockets against the chill. As they always did when they met at the end of Joanne's working day, they stopped in front of Joanne's apartment building. It was so much nicer than their old, shabby loft. They even had a doorman on the entrance. She could bet the heat was on all year long there. She was up twice, and both times she was so careful not to break anything.
"So, lunch tomorrow will be okay?"
Joanne shook her head. "Better make it dinner. I have a busy day tomorrow, I could probably get off around 6."
She smiled. "Alright. Just give me a call."
"I will," Joanne said, moving closer. "Good night." She knew what was coming next. Their meetings always ended up the same way, with her walking Joanne home and with Joanne kissing her cheek right before she disappeared into her building. It always left her pondering all the way back home, that seemingly innocent kiss. It always made her slightly uncomfortable, and too aware of the fact that Joanne was a lesbian. She wondered if Joanne tried to tell her something through that, but then she always dismissed it, telling herself she was being silly for making such a big deal out of it. This was what friends did; it didn't necessarily have any hidden meaning just because Joanne liked women. It could be just purely platonic.
Only what if it wasn't…?
This was where she always forced herself to stop and get a grip, telling herself she was just being light-headed because of some alcohol or another they had with their dinner, and that she must stop those silly, dangerous thoughts that were running through her mind, unleashed. But now Joanne was moving closer and closer, those full lips parting slightly as she was about to lay that small kiss on her cheek, and she couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if she'd just…
She did the slightest movement with her head, which was almost unnoticeable and yet extremely accurate, and Joanne's lips found hers. For a second, time seemed to stop still. She could tell it caught Joanne by surprise, but she didn't back away. Instead, she laid one hand on her cheek and deepened the kiss.
It was different than kissing a guy, she thought as their lips caressed one another's, slowly and hesitantly. It felt softer, better, in a way. The scent of Joanne's perfume, which she couldn't quite identify, surrounded her in its flowery presence, making her head reel. Joanne's hand was still against her cheek, and she was caressing her face with her fingers as their kiss became more fervent.
Fire. It was almost possible to feel the electricity in the chilly night's air. She wasn't cold anymore. It was as if a wave of heat was spreading through her, making her insides melt. She let out a moan she couldn't hold back. It made Joanne smile against her lips, and she slowly broke the kiss, gently sucking on her lower lip right before they parted. Their gazes locked as they did. They just stared at one another, trying to regain their breaths. Few were the things that managed to keep her speechless. What had just happened was definitely one of them. And yet, words seemed to be unnecessary. She could read everything in Joanne's expression, and knew it was probably reflecting her own. Her eyes looked clouded and dreamy, but there was this unmistakenable confusion there as well.
A small, sheepish smile found its way to her lips. "Good night," she whispered, ran a hand along Joanne's cheek, and went off, wondering what the hell had just happened there.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
She climbed out to the fire escape. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't do anything but go back in her mind to that second, that moment when she kissed Joanne. She kissed a girl. She smirked. She hadn't thought she'd ever do something like that, maybe unless she was reasonably drunk. Sure, she was spontaneous, always open to new experiences and all that, but this was like a whole different area she never had a chance to explore. She just never thought of herself as a lesbian before. And why would she? She liked men, and they liked her back, whether they were single or married or, at some cases, gay.
Was she a lesbian? She could think of at least five men she would have spent a night with, if only she would be given a chance, but women? She never even thought of herself in such a situation before. True, she was hit on by women before, and sometimes she even let herself flirt back for the entertainment of it, but she was never attracted to any of them. And then Joanne walked into her life, in her expensive Donna Karen suits and stylish stilettos, and everything she came to believe in just shattered in her face as a result of that one single kiss. Was she living in a lie all along? It was a horrible question to ask, she thought, shivering slightly. Because, if she was living in a lie… then what was the truth? Who the hell was she?
No, this was silly, she decided, leaning against the rail. It was just a small, meaningless kiss. One of those stupid mistakes you noticed only after you made them, and then buried it deep down inside and tried to forget you made it. Meaningless, that's what this kiss was.
Only what if it wasn't…?
As an aspiring actress, she was a master in pretending, but she had to be honest with herself. She couldn't lie to herself. She was attracted to Joanne in a weird, insensible way and it scared her. Very few things managed to scare her in her 20-something years of existence, and this was definitely one of them. She had a crush on a girl. Not just a girl, but Joanne. Ugh. It even sounded ridiculous.
And what about Mark, asked a voice from somewhere deep in her heart. She sighed. Mark. The first guy who taught her what love really meant. Her first solid, long-termed relationship. She loved Mark. She knew that a part of her would love him forever. But she had to face reality, no matter how sad or painful it was. There was no Mark and her for months now. It was over. It felt as if their relationship died along with April and they just didn't see it. Or saw what they wanted to.
So what was she going to do? God, she wished Collins was there. But then she thought it might have been for the best that he wasn't. She had to handle this mess on her own. She had to figure out what she wanted, no matter how scary the consequences would turn out to be.
Someone laid something on her shoulders. She gasped, startled, and turned, and suddenly Mark was there next to her, looking a bit worried. "I didn't want you to catch a cold," he said softly, nodding towards the jacket he had just placed on her shoulders.
She nodded, and quickly looked away, as if she feared he'd give one look at her and know what happened. "Thanks."
"Are you coming to bed?" he asked, his voice a bit hesitant. He knew she was still mad at him. She never tried to hide it, nor did he ever make an attempt to apologize.
"Not yet," she replied, not meeting his eyes.
"Okay." There was a long pause. Then suddenly out of nowhere she remembered she still hadn't told him about the Benny thing, but decided to do that some other time. Maybe tomorrow. She was too distracted at the moment. As her gaze was still fixated on the buildings across the street, she thought Mark was gone. This was why she was startled when he spoke again, his voice soft and pleading and almost heart-breaking. "Maureen, what's wrong?"
It's over. It's been over for a while, we just never accepted it. We tried to hold on to this image of the perfect couple everyone tried to stick to us, but this image is no longer there. Can't you see that, Mark? But she never said all that aloud. She closed her eyes, hoping it would make the truth less striking. "Nothing's wrong," she lied. Her eyes could hardly meet his. Even so, he didn't seem to buy that.
"I wish you just told me what's on your mind," he said quietly, half to her, half to himself, before he climbed into the loft again.
If only she knew what was on her mind, she thought bitterly. She stood there for a while, just watching the stars in the cloudless sky. The street was unusually quiet, making her feel empty and alone. Well, she didn't have to be alone. If she'd only make the right choice. She sighed. What was the right choice?
Maybe if she'd just call Joanne, she'd realize how meaningless her worries were, as if she needed Joanne's approval as for how silly this whole thing was. She entered the loft just to grab the phone, and then went back to the fire escape. The last thing she needed was to have someone to listen to her conversation with a woman she had a crush on. Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stu-
"Hello?"
Her reverie was cut short when Joanne answered the call. For a slight second, she wondered if it would be better to just hang up and leave it, but it was as if her hand was glued to the receiver. Joanne's voice sounded deeper on the phone; sexy, like velvet. She shivered involuntarily, feeling a slight weakness in her knees. She had to sit down. "Joanne?"
"Maureen," Joanne said, her tone carrying an obvious hint of surprise. Then she let out what sounded like a soft laughter. "I didn't think I'd hear from you so soon."
She chose to ignore that. "I'm sorry if I woke you."
"I wasn't sleeping."
"Why? It's almost 2am."
"I couldn't sleep."
She sighed, leaning back on the metal bars. "Me neither." They didn't say anything for a while. Damn it, this was difficult. Maybe she should explain why she called so late. Or at least, try to explain. "I… wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier," she said, trying to sound indifferent. She wouldn't let Joanne guess it was bothering her. It wasn't bothering her. She just… wanted to clear things out.
"What about it?" Joanne asked, her tone light and casual. It felt as if she was making it difficult on purpose.
"It's just…" her voice trailed off when she realized she wasn't sure what she wanted to say. Was she going to apologize? Or maybe confess it was definitely one of the most amazing kisses she ever had? She sighed, and laughed nervously. Laying her drama queen attitude aside for a moment, she decided just to be honest, and see where it would get her. "I've never done this before."
"It sure didn't feel like it," Joanne replied gently, making her blush. "Look, maybe I should just apologize or… something. This isn't your thing and I knew that. Makes me feel like I took advantage on you or something."
"You have nothing to apologize for; I'm the one who started it."
"And I still wonder why." She had the feeling that they would never have talked about this if they were face to face. Maybe it was good that she called. "Look, Maureen, the truth is… that I like you. I like you a lot. But I don't want you to feel compelled to like me back just because of that kiss. We can just move on as if it never happened. Just say the word."
"But I don't wanna move on," she heard herself say as thoughts transformed into words, too fast for her to stop it.
"So what is it that you want?" asked Joanne, her voice nearly a whisper.
"I think…" she started slowly, carefully choosing her words. "It's you."
There was a soft intake of breath on the other side. "Honey, what are you saying?"
Honey. It made her smile. "I'm saying that I like you too. And I wanna be with you."
"But you've got Mark."
She shook her head sadly, as if Joanne was there to see that. "No, I don't. I didn't have Mark for a long time. I just didn't realize it."
There was a pause. She assumed Joanne needed a moment to take all this in. "Maureen?" she asked after a while.
"Yeah?"
"Will you… get over here?"
She smiled, feeling new confidence. "I'm on my way."
Suddenly there was nowhere else she wanted to be in.