A/N: to say that I'm sorry doesn't seem a good enough excuse for this delay. When I said on my last update that updates were going to be less frequent, I had no idea how true this would become. School is crazier than ever, and between that and work, there's very little time left for writing. There's an apology note in my profile that says pretty much the same. I'm glad to get those reviews every once in a while, though, because it means some of you are still following this. So thanks guys, and again, my apologies, but it's really out of my control. Keep following this story, it might be slow, but it's not finished yet.

In another note, I just wanted to thank those of you who read and reviewed There's a Girl I Know, and to tell you that I've decided to leave it a oneshot. It looks like a wiser choice, at least at this point.

18- It's Over

Time stood still.

She couldn't believe she was doing this. She was practically cheating on her girlfriend with her ex, making out with him on the couch in his apartment. And, as if things weren't fucked up enough, this actually felt… well, right.

Mark pushed her slightly backwards so they were now lying on the couch, a mess of arms and legs entwined in one another, still exchanging fervent, passionate kisses that left her breathless and not the least guilty. Mark pulled away from their kisses and trailed his lips to her neck. She closed her eyes and shifted slightly to allow him better access. She took some deep breaths to regain lost oxygen, and stopped herself from moaning aloud when his lips settled on the crook of her neck; somehow she managed to remember Roger was home.

She reached over and slid her hands under Mark's T-shirt, her fingernails grazing his skin, ready to pull the shirt off. Considering him the more reasonable one, she thought this slight movement would make him go back to his senses and put an end to whatever the hell they were doing, but it didn't. He moved to nibble on her earlobe, his own hands reaching under her sweatshirt… his sweatshirt… sliding up, achingly slow-

The phone rang, its sound piercing the air.

"Shit," Mark breathed, startled. Sudden coldness replaced the feeling of his warm hands on her stomach.

"Leave it…" she murmured, holding on to his shirt in a desperate motion that didn't suit her.

"Can't," he replied reluctantly and pulled away from her. She watched him as he reached for the phone, a second before the machine took over. "Yeah, we're here," he said, still somewhat out-of-breath. "Hey Collins."

She sat up, throwing him a questioning look, which he didn't return.

"Yeah. Okay. We're on our way, just hold on," he said quietly, and then hung up. She watched him as he slowly put the phone down, his expression sad and contemplated. Then he seemed to remember she was still there, and raised his head to face her.

She knew it, even before he said it.

It was over.

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The following couple of days were a nightmare. Funeral arrangements, dozens of phone calls, a church, a cemetery, flowers… It seemed as if there was this silent agreement between her, Mark and Roger to take care of everything, to make it easier on Collins. They never actually spoke it out; everyone seemed to know his part.

Collins seemed to be okay, as if he had some time to get used to the idea, that when Angel was no longer, it wasn't such a shock. He moved in them, saying that he didn't want to be alone in the apartment he shared with Angel. It kind of felt like old times again, only now April was dead, she and Mark were practically ignoring one another, Benny was away with Mimi, and Roger hardly even said a word to them. On the night before the funeral, he told them about his intentions to leave for Santa Fe right on the following day. None of them was surprised, nor did they try to stop him. They all knew it was worthless. When Roger made up his mind, it was almost impossible to talk him out of it.

She informed Joanne personally about Angel's death and the funeral arrangements. She knew one of the guys would have done it for her if she asked, but she didn't think it would have been fair, to the guys or to Joanne. The phone call was short, tensed, and obviously sad. She could almost sense Joanne's heartbrokenness when she told her about Angel. Knowing that Joanne would be in the funeral made her feel kind of uncomfortable, considering their temporary break-up and everything that happened ever since, but she decided she'd just swallow it up and handle it like a grown-up. There were other things that needed to be taken care of at the moment.

She really wasn't sure how at the end of that day, she and Joanne sort of got back together. One moment they were all fighting and screaming at one another, and the next thing she knew Roger was gone and she was comforting Joanne. At the moment, it did seem like they were going to make it after all. It felt as if everything could be okay again, if they tried hard enough.

Problem was, things didn't always work that way.

It was the beginning of the end again, she just wasn't willing to accept it.

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Two weeks later, Mimi was gone. No one knew where she was, not even Benny or her friends at the Cat Scratch. She disappeared without a trace. Each direction they took led them to a dead-end eventually. Roger was away and unreachable most of the time. When he did call, Mark and Collins decided not to tell him what happened, which she thought was silly because he would have gone back home in a snap. But she didn't interfere, not this time. She had her own shattering life to handle. And for the first time, she had no idea how she was going to do that.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

She wasn't sure what was it that woke her up, but she didn't feel like sleeping anymore. She stretched lazily, snuggling into the warm covers. The light of the morning sun was streaming into the room through the Venetian blinds. Another rainless day, or so it seemed, a week before Christmas.

"Jo?" she called and sat up. When there was no reply, she looked around her for a watch or something that would show her the time. It was then when she noticed the post-it on Joanne's bedside. There was an emergency at work. I'll be back around 6. How about Chinese for dinner? That was it. No Honeybear or I'll miss you, not even Love, Joanne; nothing. She sighed and leaned back. It was a sort of relief to have Joanne out of the apartment, as a matter of fact. Things got pretty tensed between them again lately with no apparent reason. They were just constantly pissed at one another, constantly finding reasons to fight with one another. She knew it couldn't go on like that. She was tired of arguing, of defending herself. It wasn't right anymore. It had to end. She just didn't have the guts to end it.

The phone rang just as she poured herself some coffee. She snatched it and clicked it on absent-mindedly. "Hello?"

"Hi Momo."

She almost chocked on her coffee when she recognized his voice. "Roggie?"

He let out a short, a bit embarrassed laughter. "Yeah, hey."

She smiled at the sound, although she thought it was odd. He was gone for almost two months now, and never did he call her there, always to the loft. As much as it was great to hear him, she couldn't help but wonder if something was wrong. "How are you, honey?"

"I'm… okay. I'm home."

She laid her coffee mug on the table and straightened up, giving him her full attention, even though he couldn't see her. "Really? When did that happen?"

"I just got back a few hours ago, I took the night bus."

"A bus? What happened to the car?" He sold his fender to get that car. She couldn't believe he actually did it, at the time.

"It served me well," he said vaguely. That didn't really answer her silent wondering, but she didn't want to press him. He'd give her answers, she knew; when he was ready.

"I'm glad you're back," she said, meaning every word of it. She was kind of worried when he wasn't around. Worried in a maternal kind of way, which wasn't at all like her.

"I'm glad to be back." There was a short pause. She wondered if it was necessary to tell him about Mimi's disappearance. She didn't know how much he knew, considering he had just gotten back… But before she had a chance to say anything about it, he spoke again. "Listen, I was wondering… are you busy today?"

There was this unmistakable urgency to his voice. "Not really, no," she replied. She hesitated, but then she felt compelled to ask it anyway. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just… kind of wanna talk."

"Give me 15 minutes? I can meet you at the Life. Breakfast is on you."

He laughed again. It made her lips curl in a small, unconscious smile. "Sure. I'll see you there."

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Roger was already there when she stepped into the café. He was hunched over an old-looking notebook, scribbling something hastily. A wave of relief washed over her. She was so happy he was back home.

He raised his head when she dropped her purse and coat on the table, and a huge grin curled on his lips. He got up and wrapped his arms around her in a huge hug. She hugged him back, and they just stood like that for a moment. Then he slowly let go.

"You look great," she smiled, running a hand along his cheek. It was a bit spiky, but she didn't care. He did look good, shaved or not.

"Better than you expected?"

"I guess." A waiter that she didn't know walked over to them, and they ordered breakfast and some more coffee. Then when he was gone, she looked at Roger in slight concern. "You must be tired."

He shook his head. "Nah. I slept most of the way here."

There was a short pause. Then she looked up at him questionably. "So, did you find what you were looking for?"

Roger sighed. "I did. And apparently I got back too late to get it." So he did know. Mark must have told him at some point. It was probably why he took the night bus home. "You didn't hear anything from her?"

There was so much hope in his question. His pleading expression broke her heart. She shook her head sadly. "We're trying to find her, Roger, we really are. Benny doesn't know anything. From some strange reason, I believe him. Joanne suggested we'd spread some flayers in the area, so we planned to do it over the weekend. I dunno what to tell you, she just… disappeared."

Roger shook his head. "I shouldn't have gone."

"Hey…" she said softly and reached over to take his hands in hers. "Don't. Stop blaming yourself in everything. This is not your fault."

"It's cold, and she was never that strong."

"Yeah, I know. I keep thinking about it," she admitted. "We'll do whatever it takes, okay? Don't worry about it." She slowly let go of his hands when their order arrived. She wrapped her hands around her mug and watched Roger as he ate. When he was done, he gave her a look.

"You didn't eat anything."

"I did," she said, biting into a chocolate brownie. Roger cocked an eyebrow, obviously not buying that. "I'm not that hungry," she lied.

He looked at her skeptically, and slowly laid his fork aside. "How are you, Momo?"

"Fine." She sighed. Maybe she just had to let it go. "Far from fine."

"You and Jo still fighting?"

"Yeah. That and… other stuff," she said quickly, avoiding his eyes. She wasn't ready for the next thing he told her.

"Mark told me."

She stared at him, a bit confused. Surely he didn't mean… "Mark told you what?"

"He told me what happened that night, when Angel died," Roger said quietly, looking straight at her, as if he could see right through her. "You're not going to deny it happened, are you?"

"No," she whispered, looking away. Shit. They've never mentioned that night again. In fact, she avoided meeting Mark altogether in the past couple of months, fearing that the secret might surface in the worst timing, like when Joanne was around.

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"What do you mean? There's nothing to do. It happened, it was a mistake, it won't happen again."

"So this is what it was? A mistake?"

"Of course," she said, doing her best to sound sure of herself.

"Because Mark doesn't seem to think that," Roger said matter-of-factly, but gave her that piercing look again.

"Roger…" she sighed, kind of desperately. Why wouldn't he just let it go? "Look, this is really pointless. I know what you're trying to do and I realize that Mark is your best friend and that you must stand for him. But trying to getting us back together is hardly the way to do that."

"Oh, that's what I was trying to do?" he asked innocently. She gave him a look. "In case you forgot, you're my friend too," he said a bit more gently.

"If I'm your friend you'll respect it when I ask you to drop this issue."

He seemed to hesitate, but then he nodded. "Fine."

"Thank you."

"So do you wanna tell me what's up with you and Jo?"

"I don't know," she said, letting out a long, desperate sigh. "I don't know anything."

"It's not working, is it?" She looked away, surprised by his sharp observation. Or maybe he didn't have to be blessed with good instincts; maybe it was just obvious. "If you're not happy, why don't you end it?"

"Who said I wasn't happy?"

He gave her a look. "If this is how you look when you're happy, I really don't wanna be there when you're upset."

A smile curled on her lips, then quickly faded as an unfamiliar sense of insecurity washed over her. "I can't just… end it."

"Why not?"

She leaned her elbow against the table and laid her head on it. Why everything had to be so damn complicated?

"Look, someone must end it, and it better be you. I know you; you'll feel much worse if Joanne will be the one who'll end it."

"You think so?"

"I know so," he said, trying to hide a silly grin. "Besides, you dumped Mark a year ago, you should know the drill by now. Kind of makes it easier."

Great. She already came out with a reputation of a serial heart-breaker. She frowned. "Don't be a jerk, Roger."

"You know I'm kidding," he said seriously. "I just don't like what I see when I look at you. I've seen you happy, Maureen, and happy is definitely not what you are now. You'll feel much better once you end it."

Somehow, she doubted she would.

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She couldn't believe it was Christmas again. She couldn't believe a year went by so fast. What was supposed to be their best year turned out to be their worst. Their family fell apart, and it seemed like there was very little they could do about it. The best option was sit aside and watch it happen. It wasn't supposed to end like that. It just wasn't fair.

"Maureen, are you coming? We're gonna be late!"

Joanne's hasty question shook her out of her reverie. She blinked and took one last glimpse in the mirror. Then she fixed her small wool hat on her head, buttoned her coat and left their bedroom, and followed Joanne out of the apartment. They were on their way to the loft for a special Christmas screening of Mark's film. He completed it couple of days before, but decided to wait until Christmas for viewing it because that was when Collins was supposed to get home. He moved out again, a bit after Mimi's disappearance, saying that he needed to figure some things out. For her it made sense he wanted to distance himself. He went through so much. But knowing her Collins, she knew he'd heal.

Whereas for her and Joanne, on the other hand, she was far from certain that they would. She glanced at her as they crossed the street silently, towards the park for their usual shortcut. She couldn't stop thinking about her conversation with Roger, the week before. She didn't have many opportunities to act up on it, though, because Joanne was hardly ever home, working overtime on a new case. But now… could she do this again? She kind of felt like she had to, but could she?

She wasn't happy, that was for sure. She couldn't ignore it for much longer. She couldn't lie to Joanne, or to herself. This was over. She took a deep breath. Here goes. "Jo?"

"Huh?" said Joanne, sort of absent-mindedly.

A slight moment of hesitation, but then it quickly faded. Courage. That was what it was all about. "We… we need to talk."