Disclaimer: I do not own Brokeback Mountain or any of it's characters, they are sole property of Annie Proulx and Focus Features.
I dreamed a dream
Chapter 11
It was slow but relentless, the eroding and hardening of his heart. By bitterness and a sense of inadequacy… of never being up to the task of raising a human being, so small, so innocent, so helpless, eyes so blue, smile so big.
And so, in a strange reaction, he tried to make the reason for those feelings smaller, less, always less… breaking him, hurting him while unable to stop loving him, helplessly adoring him while beating him and humiliating him.
And yet, even after all that, he was always so much more than him… so sensitive, so hopeful, his boy. He left, he went away to try and shine, to be free. He mocked him, telling him he ain't never gonna make it, silently telling him he's so much better than himself, please, you can be so much more than me, don't go down the same road. No way to put it into words, so the advice was lost.
He wanted to wish him luck, to hug him goodbye… but it was too late then, too late by a long shot.
He came back, every once in a while. He's back for a long time, now. All grown up, tall and strong… but still those eyes, still that smile. And the absolute contradiction and ambiguity of feeling so proud his chest is fit to burst, and utterly resentful and hateful at the same time threatens to break him at times… he doesn't know what to do, so he lashes out, so he sneers at him, hits him words instead of blows, because he is, after all and despite him, a grown man now. His son.
John Twist sat on a chair, out on the porch. A lukewarm cup of bitter coffee keeping his hands busy, while dusk settled on the ever windswept plains, the howling of the wind an adequate companion to his thoughts.
The loud ring of the telephone interrupted his slightly anguished musings. He stood up with a groan, his tired knees protesting, wondering who might be calling on a Sunday evening. His query was answered when he walked into the house to see Jack with a grin on his face, talking on the phone.
"Hi Lureen! Thank you for calling." Jack said
"Oh, sure, Bobby was eager to talk to you…" Lureen answered.
"Put him on the phone!"
"Honestly you too, you're like little kids…" Lureen said in mock exasperation. Jack could hear Bobby clamoring to get on the phone across the line.
"Daddy?"
"Hi, son! How are you doin'?" Jack asked, breaking out into a smile so big his cheeks hurt.
"I'm alright daddy, but I sure miss you…"
Jack felt a pang go through him.
"Aw, I miss you too Bobby…. How's school? You doin' your exercises, working hard?"
"Yeah, daddy, I am… it's real frustrating sometimes, though, I like it better when you're there to read with me."
"I miss reading with you too… but keep working hard, ok?"
"I will, daddy. When do you think I can go live with you?"
"Hmm, well son, we gotta get ourselves settled first… but I'll go visit you soon, alright?"
"Yes! And we can go ridin', and plan how my bedroom will look, and…"
"We'll do all those things, Bobby."
Unbeknownst to Jack, his conversation was currently being overheard by Ennis and his parents. The three were utterly riveted to Jack's words, while pretending, with varying degrees of success, that they were doing anything but. Ennis was reading a ranching catalogue, upside down, a faint smile on his face at the obvious happiness of Jack… he had missed Bobby, just like Ennis missed his girls.
John was still pretending to drink from the now empty tin coffee cup, his eyes jumping to Jack's figure every few seconds; he was listening with growing amazement to the conversation… he had never heard his son talk to his grandson before, in fact he hadn't met his grandson… and he was overcome by regret at the fact in that precise moment, because he had never shown any interest, and because he knew he had never been able to talk to Jack the way Jack was talking to his son.
Mrs. Twist was occupied in washing a dish for the third time, glad that no matter what had happened to him, Jack had become a good father.
"Daddy? Mom says she wants to talk to you…"
"Ok, son. Take care of yourself, work hard. I love you."
"Love you too, daddy! Oh, and say hi to Ennis from me."
"Will do, kid. Bye!"
"Jack?" Lureen asked.
"Yep. What's up, Lureen?"
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that I sent all those papers you asked for and they should be getting to you soon… any idea of where you want to buy property, where you want to settle down?"
"I actually went down to the real-estate office a few days ago, got some brochures… I have a pretty good idea of what I want, but I need to check the papers, make sure everything works out."
"Quite right. Well, Jack, it was good talking to you."
"You too, Lureen. Thanks again for calling and for sending those papers."
"Don't mention it. Bye"
"Bye."
Jack hung up and turned around, finally realizing he had had an audience for the entire phone call. He took in the upside down catalogue, the empty tin cup and the way too clean dish, chuckled to himself and went to his room.
No more than three seconds later, Ennis followed.
"Hey Jack… "
"Ennis. Enjoyed the eavesdropping?" asked Jack, a teasing grin on his face.
"Uh… hmm… m'sorry, didn't mean to…" muttered Ennis, a faint blush covering his face.
Jack burst out laughing. Ennis looked up, shook his head ruefully while mumbling something about 'damn fool rodeos', but he eventually joined in Jack's laughter.
They finally sobered up and sat down on the bed, the comfortable silence of companionship between them. It was then that Ennis remembered exactly why he had followed Jack into the room.
"Jack?"
"Hmm?" Jack was already lying down on the bed, stretched out like a luxurious cat.
"What was that you were talkin' about with Lureen, about papers and real-estate brochures?" Ennis asked, failing to keep the tone of slight hurt out of his voice at the fact that Jack had shared things that sounded so important with his ex-wife and not with him.
Of course, Jack picked up on it immediately, sat up and took Ennis' hand in his.
"Well, I wanted to tell you everything until after the papers arrived, but your nosy ear got ahead of me…" said Jack, sincerity and tender teasing in his voice. "You remember when I was arranging the divorce with Lureen?"
"Yeah…" Ennis remembered the polite discussion in the living room with a touch of disbelief still. The three of them, sitting and chatting about plans for the future…
"Remember that we discussed were we'd live, and she mentioned I had some money saved and that I'd be getting a divorce settlement? Well, I asked her to send those papers over, so I could go over them with you, try an' figure out how much money we have if we want to buy a place of our own…" Jack waited and went on when he received a nod of confirmation. "And when I went into town a few days ago, I figured it would be a good idea to get some information on property and such."
He stopped then, a momentary flash of fear coursing through him. What if Ennis was having second thoughts about finally living the dream? What if all this made it to real, scared him away?
His fear was quickly quenched when Ennis looked deep into his eyes, brown with golden flakes meeting cerulean, and smiled.
"It sounds like a damn fine plan, rodeo. Why don't you show me those brochures of yours?"
Jack felt so happy that before he realized it he was kissing the breath out of Ennis, hands madly caressing his face, fingers tangled in the soft, golden curls in the nape of his neck. Ennis answered the kiss with equal fervor, hands not getting enough of the body pressed to his, his heart filling with so much happiness he was about to weep for joy.
When they finally, reluctantly, parted for oxygen, they kept foreheads pressed, looking into each others eyes.
"Go on, lil' darlin', show me the brochures." Ennis whispered.
Jack stood up and went to the small desk, fiddled the drawer open and took out a pile of glossy leaflets, throwing himself and them back onto the bed.
Ennis started rifling through them, when a particular one caught his eye. He examined it closely, frowned and turned to Jack, who was watching him, having waited for this particular discussion.
"California, Jack?"
"It's a lovely place, Ennis… look here, we can have orchards of oranges, apples, strawberries… it's the golden state." Jack answered, trying very hard not to laugh at the expression on Ennis' face.
"I don't care if it's the state where gold shoots outta the ground, I ain't going to California! It's full of damn hippies Jack! And you know how I feel about hippies…"
"I know, I know… 'they're un-american'" said Jack, making quotations in the air.
"Damn right they are. Plus… it's too damn hot."
"How you even know that? You ever been?" Jack asked, loving how Ennis tried to justify himself. "Never mind, I knew we weren't gonna buy any property there."
"Then how come you grabbed this?"
"Well, I was just dying to see your reaction… plus, it's always good to keep your options open." said Jack, his best sales-man smile on his face.
Ennis just glared at him and continued to browse. Jack was waiting for the next 'what the hell?' and sure enough, it came only seconds later.
"Canada?!"
"It's a beautiful country, cowboy. So endless, beautiful mountains, and I know how you love mountains… lakes, bears, green pastures…"
"Which we won't enjoy for more than a month probably! It's way too fucking cold! I ain't gonna live buried in snow all year…"
"Ennis, have you ever been to Canada, either?" again Ennis shook his head, mumbling "So stop being so damn criticizing… plenty o' Canadians live there, right? So I'm pretty sure people aren't buried in snow all year… but I didn't think we'd go there either…" Jack grinned.
"Let me guess… you were dying to see my reaction and it's good to keep your options open?" said Ennis, heavy sarcasm lacing his voice.
"You're learning cowboy!"
"Hmph." Ennis just shoved Jack off the bed.
"Hey!"
"You deserved it. Now shush and let me keep lookin' at these…"
They continued to read over the brochures, occasionally pointing out things to each other. And then, their eyes came to rest on a brochure on Wyoming itself, a gorgeous picture of Brokeback Mountain itself on the cover. Jack's breath caught and he looked up to see Ennis was looking at the picture with a strange intensity.
"Jack…" he started softly, looking up "I think… I think I want to buy a place in right here in Wyoming. Near the mountains. It's a hard place to live in, but… but I don' think I'd like to live anywhere else."
Jack just smiled, nodded in complete understanding. He took Ennis' hand again, and picking up from where the kiss left off, they scrambled to get their clothes off, desperate for skin on skin contact. Jack kissed every inch of Ennis' weathered face, each freckle, each slight wrinkle. Ennis moaned, and started kissing his way down Jack's body, until he was gasping, until the need to be completely connected became completely overwhelming.
Their coupling had a new sort of intensity to it, the intensity and love of two souls who have long hoped for something and at last, at last see it starting to come together.
When they finished, satiated and spent, they held each other close, Ennis whispering 'Lil' darlin'… my lil' darlin'."
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It was Monday morning, and Jack, Ennis and Mr. Twist were working on the ranch, doing various chores, mending fences, feeding the scant cattle and horses.
The truce between Jack and John had lasted, which completely surprised Jack. He had expected to live under a constant flow of insults the moment he told his father he was queer, but John seemed to be content with mere silence.
Also, Jack was pretty sure his dad was lacking enough breath to go wastin' it on insultin' him.
He was battling with a particularly stubborn nail and wooden plank, when the sound of someone falling and of Ennis calling his name made him jump around quickly.
Ennis was kneeling next to a prostrate John Twist. Jack ran to them as fast as his legs could carry him.
"Dad! Dad, you alright?!"
John blinked up at him, confusion evident on his features.
"I was walking toward the stables when I saw him go down, just like that…" said Ennis, who was slightly pale.
"I… I'm fine… I think I'm just a bit tired… a little short o' breath." said John in a hoarse voice.
"A bit tired… dad, you need to get yerself checked out by the doctor." Jack said, chiding him.
"No damn doctors… just… I just need to lay down fer… a while…"
Jack rolled his eyes.
"Ok, we'll get you up. Hold on tight, alright?"
"Ain't a… weak…"
Before he could continue, Jack and Ennis hauled him up and started leading him slowly to the house.
The door was opened by a worried looking Mrs.Twist.
"What happened, Jack?"
"He fainted, momma… he's very short of breath."
She nodded, led the way to the bedroom. They settled him down on the bed, Mrs. Twist fluffing pillows and placing a blanket over him.
"I tell you, I don't care what he says… I'm gonna call a doctor."
Mrs. Twist came out of the bedroom at that moment, softly closing the door behind her.
"Don't Jack. Your dad doesn't want one, and there ain't a thing on this earth that will make him accept medicine or any visits from a doctor."
"But momma, he ain't well…"
"I know, son." and indeed, the pain of knowledge was reflected in her eyes. "But it's what he wants."
With that, she went into the kitchen to prepare some tea for her husband, leaving Jack and Ennis looking at each other with apprehension.
TBC
Author's note: well, here's chapter 11, a quick update like I promised! I hope you guys like it, and please do leave a comment, it means the world to me. : )