Blademaster513 deserves a cookie for realizing the Half-Life reference. But I'm out of cookies, so you just get coolness points. Sorry!
I don't own Bleach or any of its cotnents, Resident Evil or any of its contents, and thank God I don't own The Hitcher.
Ichigo's eyes fluttered open. He had been having the strangest dream. His life had taken another downward spiral, with his dad thinking he and Rukia were dating and some guy named H was living in his closet. Luckily it was all a dream. Ichigo took a deep breath and snuggled into the warmth of his electric blanket. Then a sudden realization dawned upon him.
He didn't have an electric blanket.
Ichigo rolled over, confused as to where the warmth on his back was coming from. He was shocked at what he saw. Rukia was fast asleep against him, her eyes closed in peaceful slumber, and a small amount of drool running down the side of her face. Most people would have reacted calmly and done their best not to wake her up. But this was Ichigo.
"WOAH WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Ichigo screamed, flailing his arms andtry to put some space between him and the Soul Reaper.
Rukia opened her eyes sleepily, wondering what all the fuss was about. Her eyes widened to their limit when she realized Ichigo was in bed with her. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" she screamed, pushing him with all her strength.
KATHUD!!!
Over the side of the bed Ichigo sailed, dragging most of the sheet with him. "Urgh!" Ichigo grunted as he landed on his face.
Several loud thudding noises came from the closet. The door flew open, and H tumbled out screaming threats at random monsters. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?! IS IT A HOLLOW?! A ZOMBIE?! THE HITCHER?!" H brandished a large pistol. "LEMME AT 'EM!"
"AAAAAAH, PUT THAT AWAY!!!" Ichigo screamed as H held the gun much too close to his face.
"WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?!" Ichigo's door suddenly flew open. H screamed and dove back into the closet, crushing Kon as he poked his head out to see what was happening. Ichigo screamed and started denying whatever it looked like he had done. Rukia just sat there, curious about what was going on as well. Isshin looked at Rukia, and then at Ichigo sprawled out on the floor, tangled in blankets. Suprisingly, he spoke in a soft tone. "I guess Rukia likes her space..."
"Huh?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow. 'I noticed that...'
"I guess I shouldn't have tossed you on the bed with her..." Isshin mused.
"You did what?!" Ichigo growled.
"Well I came in last night to see if you were all doing okay, and I saw you had fallen on the floor. Not wanting you to get cold, I stuck you back in the bed!" Isshin clapped his hands together, "YOU LOOKED SO CUTE ASLEEP TOGETHER!!!"
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!??" Ichigo tried to get up and kick his dad in the face, but the tangled blankets around his feet caused him to trip.
"WHAT KIND OF ATTACK IS THAT?!" Isshin started stomping Ichigo on the head. Ichigo reached up and hurled his dad against the nearest wall.
"Are they always like this?" H whispered inside the closet.
"Yeah..." Kon replied.
"By the way... why are you a talking plushie?" H had forgotten to ask that question the night before.
"I'm magical," Kon lied.
"Okay..."
"Who are you?"
"I'm H. I do odd jobs."
"Like what?"
"Killing things and doing laundry."
"That's quite a resume."
"Yeah, I know..."
"What's with the gun?" Kon whispered, pointing at the pistol H was holding.
"This," H smirked as he held up the large pistol, "Can blow a Hollow's head clean off its shoulders."
"That is really disturbing and yet totally awsome!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Can I see it?" Kon reached for the gun.
"Wait, I don't th-"
KERBLAM!!!!
-----
Ichigo's eyes shot open. He was sprawled out on the floor, and he had a serious crick in his neck. 'A dream? It was all just a dream? Wait... was everything yesterday a dream too?' he wondered. The sound of heavy snooring echoing in the closet dashed his hopes. 'I guess not...' he frowned. Ichigo sat up and yawned, stretching his stiff arms.
"Good morning, Ichigo!" Rukia's voice made him jump. He spun about and found her sitting in his bed, a manga clutched in her hands. "I was wondering when you were going to wake up."
"Oh... sleep peacefully?" Ichigo asked nicely, trying to hide the frustration in his voice.
"Oh yes, quite well," she smiled. "You slept like a log. Your dad came in here earlier..."
"Oh really?" Ichigo's eye twitched. "What did he say?"
"He said something along the lines of..." Rukia clapped her hands together and tilted her head back, "OH YOUR SUCH A CUTE COUPLE! MY WIVE MUST BE SO PROUD UP IN HEAVEN!" she immitated Isshin perfectly.
"No kidding..." the twitch worsened.
"Yep... He told us to enjoy our weekend, too..." Rukia added.
"Oh right, it's Saturday..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head.
"SATURDAY?!" the closet door flew open, and H stumbled out. "I've got to go to work!"
"But you're off work today..." Ichigo growled.
"I mean for that Urahara guy!" H straightened his suit and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "Ah, screw it... He can see me anyway," H grunted, ripping off the suit and revealing his kevlar and leather uniform. "Now where did I leave my suitcase...?"
"I think I saw it downstairs in the living room yesterday," Ichigo growled.
"Great, thanks!" H ran out of the room. A few seconds later he returned with his suitcase and threw it on the floor. "Lets see..." he popped it open.
"Woah..." was all Ichigo could say. He was astounded that a man could fit that many guns in a suitcase. "What did you say you did for a living?"
"Odd jobs," H shrugged as he pulled his gas mask and helmet from the suitcase.
"Such as?" Ichigo eyed a rather large knife stuck in the corner of the suitcase.
"You know... Odd jobs! Painting fences, sweeping floors, exterminating monsters..." H adjusted the strap on his helmet after he put it on.
"Oh... okay..." Ichigo was now certain this guy was psycho. "What's this?" Ichigo pointed at a large revolver.
"Don't touch," H quickly plucked the gun from the suitcase.
"Hm?" Ichigo drew his hand back defensively.
"It's called the Broken Butterfly, and it can drop a Hollow with one shot," H bragged.
"Hah... I bet it isn't as effective as my Zanpakto," H boasted.
"Oh? Is that a challenge?" H tilted his head to the side.
"No!" Rukia jumped between them. "No Hollow killing challenges! We don't do those!" Clearly the whole fiasco with Ishida was still burnt into her memory.
"Hmph... It's alright... I've got to get to work at Urahara's place, anyway," H stuffed the Broken Butterfly into his belt, and then clipped a few grenades to his bullet-proof vest.
"For Hat-and-Clogs? Why?" Ichigo wondered how that had worked out.
"I owe him for a crowbar..." H held up the dented and twisted remains of the tool. "And a wall..."
"Oh..." Ichigo stared at him. "Have fun with that!"
"See ya!" H tossed the suitcase into the closet, and then walked over to the window. "If your dad asks, tell him I went to go see some relatives or something..."
"Don't worry, I'll take care of it..." Ichigo smiled. 'I'll tell him he ran off and quit...'
"Bye!" H opened the window and dove out.
"Glad that's over with..." Ichigo muttered.
"You don't seem to like him that much..." Rukia commented.
"No way? What gave you that idea?"
"I can see the hatred burning in your eyes... from 10 feet away!"
"Hmph. So... what do you want to do today?"
"I dunno, you wanna-" Rukia was interupted by the door flying open.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO!!!" Isshin barged into the room.
"DO YOU ENJOY SPYING ON ME?!" Ichigo screamed.
"Good morning to you, too!" Isshin smirked. "I GOT YOU TICKETS TO A MOVIE!!!" Isshin thrust his hand into Ichigo's face, revealing 2 movie tickets.
"Eh?" Ichigo's eye twitched. His eye muscles seemed to be getting a serious work-out lately.
"I figured you'd both enjoy it!" Isshin stuffed the tickets into Ichigo's pockets. "YOU KIDS HAVE FUN!!!" And with that, he was gone out the door again.
After a few minutes, Rukia finally said something. "What's a movie?"
Okay, time to get them out of the house. Isshin is getting old... I'm running out of things for him to say and do. Hah... review, please!