Decisions

Ryan nursed his drink, while in his mind he went over and over his conversation with Marissa. Had there been some other way to tell her what had gone on? If there was he couldn't think of it. The fact was that what he had done was … obviously unforgivable. She had tried to call him a short time ago but he hadn't answered. He was having his own internal struggle and he couldn't deal with her condemnation at the moment. He was condemning himself more than enough for the both of them. It was a period of his life that he had tried to put behind him and not think about. Not only because of his behaviour at the time but also because it was the most painful time of his life. When Marissa had admitted to contemplating suicide during that time he hadn't had the heart to tell her that it had crossed his mind as well. What a fine pair they were. But were they still a pair? If she really wanted him to fuck Charlotte just so that they could get custody of Emily then he didn't think so. He knew that she wanted to help Emily … hell so did he. But he thought that what they had between them was more precious than anything else on earth. Marissa obviously didn't agree.

His insecurities about Marissa stared to grow. He had always thought that she was too good for him and he felt that it was obvious – and it became more obvious to him the longer he sat there – that she didn't love him as much as he loved her. He had been having a few doubts before this when she wouldn't commit to moving with him. He felt like he was prepared to sacrifice more than she was, just so they could stay together. He knew that he would rather die than have her sleep with another man but obviously she didn't feel that way at all. But trying to drown his sorrows didn't work. He knew that from experience. As he realised that he wasn't going to find the answers in the bottom of the glass, he called over the bartender and got a glass of water and started to question just where could they go from here?

---

Some time later, when Ryan had finally come to terms with what he was going to do, he made his way back to the room. He stood at the door not knowing what to expect. Taking a deep breathe he opened it slowly to be confronted by … nothing. The room was almost dark. A soft glow, which was coming from the still turned on television, all that stopped him from being in complete darkness. He moved forward thankful for the light that emanated from it which cast strange patterns over the room, but at least stopped him from walking into the furniture.

He moved passed the empty sitting area and noticed Marissa's form in the bed, her back turned towards him. He considered waking her but decided that there was nothing to be gained. This may very well be the last time they would share a bed so he thought tomorrow would do. They could deal with it all in the morning. He started to strip off his clothes.

Marissa heard him come into the room and panicked. She didn't know what to do or say. So she stayed exactly where she was … waiting to see what he would do. She heard him move towards the bed and then stop in front of the chair that she knew he would put his clothes on and an invisible pull that she could not deny forced her to roll on to her back so that she could watch him. He had his back to her and was facing the chair. Her eyes followed his outline as he took off his shoes and socks. She couldn't help but smile at the fact that ever since their "dance" in Miami that had resulted in them making probably the sweetest love ever, he had always taken his socks off first. He proceeded to shed his shirt and then undid his belt. She heard the zipper on his jeans as he pulled it down and then they too joined the rest of his clothes. He went to pull off his wife beater and she held her breathe knowing that the boxers would be the last to go only to watch him hesitate. He pulled the beater back down in place and turned towards the bed. Marissa was stunned. If she had any doubts about how he was feeling then he had just answered them without words. They hadn't worn clothes to bed since they had got back together. He moved to pull the cover back on his side of the bed and she quietly said. "Ryan, I'm sorry."

Ryan was surprised. He had thought that she was asleep and had let down his guard, thinking that he had a reprieve from dealing with all this until the morning but it looked like he wasn't going to be so lucky. "You don't have to be. I was the one who did it." He replied.

"I just …" Marissa searched for a way to explain her behaviour but came up short.

"It's all right." He said and turned and sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head between his hands. "I understand. I'll go and sleep on the couch and we'll talk in the morning." He said.

"No. We need to sort this out now." Marissa said.

"It's okay." Ryan said resignedly. "I'll do as you want ... But there are a few conditions." He stated running his hands through his hair.

"Conditions?" Marissa queried.

"Yeah. Just let me get them out and this will be over once and for all." He added.

"What?" Marissa started to panic. What was he talking about?

"Just let me finish please." He said softly, his heart breaking with each word. "It's going to be hard enough to get this out once; I can't keep going over it." He looked back at her and then turned back to the chair again knowing that looking at her would only make it even harder. "I will do as you wish and …" he searched for the right word but only one came to mind "fuck Charlotte so that you can get Emily. I guess I owe you that much. But then that's it. It will be my parting gift to you. You will have to move out of the apartment. I can't be around you anymore. It's too hard and it hurts too much. The two of you can use the house at Newport and I'll stay in the apartment until Cheryl's recovered and Emily can go home. Then you can return to Europe." He explained, feeling more and more gutted as each word left his mouth.

---

"No." Marissa cried.

Ryan turned to look at her. Wondering what else he could do for her. He thought that he was giving her everything she wanted. "Ris. I can't live with you knowing that you don't feel for me the way I feel about you. It's too hard." He stated his voice catching in his throat.

"Ryan. I love you." She replied simply. She knew there were a thousand other things that she should say to him but right now she wanted to keep it simple. So there could be no misunderstandings.

Ryan turned to look at her. "Yeah but not enough. Not the way that I love you." He replied softly.

As she moved towards him the light from the television reflected off the moisture glistening in his eyes and she realised that he had tears that were slowly starting to escape and fall down his cheeks. She realised in that moment just how much she had hurt him. "More." She said and then continued, knowing that she had to try to get him to understand why she had even suggested it to him. "I guess I just wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry. The thought of you with anyone but me … it was more than I could bear. Please … forgive me for what I said. I love you." She said again looking at him and hoping that her words were getting through. "Sure, I'd like to think that we could help Emily. But not if that's the price."

Ryan listened to her words but wasn't sure if he could dare to hope. "What do you want from me?" he asked.

"I want what I've always wanted … You." She stated simply. "You … we … us" she said. "That's the most important thing in this world to me."

He looked into her eyes wondering if he could believe her. He wanted to so badly and yet …

Marissa reached out to him and as she moved to pull him into her arms the sheet fell down to reveal her nakedness.

It was the final straw for Ryan. There was no way he could resist her and he moved into her arms as they hugged one another trying with all their might to repair the damage that had been done; both blaming themselves for where they were.

They held one another as Marissa started to cry, the emotions that she had been holding in finally escaping. It was strange that as she started, Ryan stopped, now more concerned about Marissa than himself.

He held her tightly to him, as she released the floodwaters and after she finally started to gain some control he pulled back to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Hey. I think you're supposed to be happy now. It seems like maybe we are going to get through this after all." He said a small smile making its way on to his face as he tried to elicit one from her as well.

She did her best to mimic his. "So … we're good?" she asked.

He smiled again. "Well you're good. As for me … I don't know how you will ever be able to forgive me?"

"What's that old saying … Let he who is without sin cast the first stone? I figure I have a few things in my past that I would change if I could." She gave him a small smile. "But just let me tell you my conditions - you are definitely not ever sleeping with anyone ever again but me." Marissa stated.

"Sounds good to me." he replied. "Can I start now?" he asked pushing the sheet lower to expose more of her naked body.

"No." Marissa replied and Ryan looked up disappointed. She continued, the smile widening on her face as she did. "Because what I have planned for you doesn't include sleeping." She added as she pulled the wife beater over his head and then smiled.

As he realised the meaning of her words he smiled too.

"Now get those boxers off and get in here with me. But no funny business just yet. We have plans to make. Somehow we have to find a way to deal with Charlotte once and for all that doesn't include you rocking her socks off." Marissa said.

"I don't think she was wearing socks." Ryan stated as he pulled off his boxers and joined her in the bed; moving to take her in his arms again. "And nor am I you might have noticed?" he asked.

Marissa hit him playfully. "I don't care about her socks but as for yours … I did notice that they were missing so maybe we should work off a bit of our excess energy first and we'll figure out what to do about Charlotte later." She suggested.

"Mmmm. I like the way you think." Ryan replied running his hands over her body and feeling her respond to his touch. "Actually there are a few other things I like about you as well." He added as he drew her to him and kissed her deeply. He pulled back and said "You know I love you more than life itself? I promise I will never sleep with another woman as long as I live."

Marissa felt her heart swell at his words. "That's an awful long time." She replied.

"Yeah. But see I'm an authority on the matter. As you know, I've done a lot of research and I know that you're the best there is. At least for me. We fit together … perfectly." He said as he rolled on top of her.

"We do don't we?" she smiled as he lowered his head and their mouths reconnected.

---

The next morning, Ryan and Marissa lay in bed, limbs entwined. They hadn't gotten much sleep between plotting, planning and make-up sex but neither was complaining. They both knew that they had managed to overcome a hurdle, and a large one at that, and they were still together. That would have been unheard of in their teenage years where every bump seemed to derail them. But they were older and wiser now and they knew that they could overcome anything as long as they stuck together.

"So do you think that we can pull this off?" Marissa asked.

"I hope you're talking about our plan and not what you currently have in your hand?" Ryan asked his eyes bulging as Marissa began to work her hand along his length.

She laughed realising the ambiguity of her question. "Don't worry. I'll never pull this off. I like it just where it is." She said slowing her strokes as she watched the play of emotions on his face.

"That's a pity. I like it more when it's somewhere else." Ryan replied as he slipped his fingers into her moist core testing to see if perhaps she might like it somewhere else as well.

"And where would that be?" Marissa asked teasingly as she felt the need for him build in her yet again.

"How about I show you?" Ryan replied and rolled over on top of her, their plan forgotten for the moment as life outside their room ceased to exist for a short time.

---

Keith met them in the car park to escort them into the hospital. The media still hadn't given up and several seemed to have set up camp in the hospital entrance but thanks to the hospital security they weren't getting any further.

Ryan put his arm around Marissa's shoulders as they walked towards the lifts ignoring all the questions that were being thrown at them. They entered the lift with Keith and since they were the only occupants, Ryan turned to Keith and asked. "Are we all set?"

Keith glanced at Marissa not sure whether to say anything or not.

Ryan realised his hesitation. "It's okay. Marissa knows everything." He stated and pulled her close and smiled. "We don't have secrets."

Marissa couldn't help but return his smile. "No we don't." she assured Keith. "And that woman is going down if I have my way. There is no way she is getting her slimy paws on Ryan." She added.

Keith laughed. He had come to enjoy the time he spent with these two. "Maybe I should be feeling sorry for her?" Keith suggested.

"By the time we've finished with her, maybe you should." Marissa smiled and gave Ryan a quick kiss.

"So when do you want to do this?" Keith asked.

"No time like the present." Ryan replied. He looked at Marissa. "I think we'll both feel better when we know it is all over." He squeezed her hand that was now linked with his.

"Okay. Well everything is set to go." Keith said as they arrived at Emily's floor.

"We'll just go and say good morning to Emily and then we'll do it. Give us 10 minutes." Ryan said.

---

A short time later Ryan sat in an interview room on the sixth floor. Keith had set everything up and he and Marissa were waiting next door. Ryan had called Charlotte and she was on her way. He tried to run over everything again in his mind. He didn't want there to be any possibility of errors. He wished that he had never put himself in this position but he intended to clean up this mess once and for all. His breathing quickened as he heard the short tap on the door and it opened to reveal a smiling Charlotte. She was wearing a short skirt and a tailored jacket with a zipper front.

"Good morning Ryan." She smiled at him suggestively. "Why in God's name did you have me come up here? I'm sure I could have found somewhere more convenient for us." She stated.

"I needed to be away from the Children's ward." Ryan stated thinking quickly.

Charlotte smiled. "Yes. We couldn't have Marissa coming in and interrupting us now could we." She said as she turned and looked at the door. "Still as long as it's got a lock on the door … which it has" she said as she turned the lock and then looked back at him. "I'm sure we'll be fine." She smiled at him. "Why don't we get started?" she asked as she hooked a finger in the loop on the zipper and pulled it down revealing nothing but a black lacy bra.

"Before we start. I just want you to tell me exactly what we are doing here?" Ryan asked.

Charlotte smiled. "I don't think you need directions Ryan. If I remember correctly you could give lessons in what we're about to do."

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